The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[jumpy]

FFM, Ah, having a child complicates things somewhat.

Question: how drunk were you?

Call it a relapse then, (booze does that to me too sometimes) and that's ok, just don't wallow in it.

I still think you need to have more focus on you for the foreseeable future, rise above your low confidence and you'll see things differently in the long term. Remember this is a work in progress, not a fixed goal you can work towards to say, "yes, by this date and time everything will be fixed."

Little steps and all of that, find what you need from life in you and not in the reflections of others.

 

[FatFishMonster]

Thanks for the thoughts and comments, I don't think she's coming back though. Eight years of memories to block out....

Wow ten months later and still have the feels? I'm in for a looong rollercoaster ride. It's only been three weeks for me, I still have that heavy heart feeling in my chest everyday. She's still in my dreams every night.

It's strange reading other people who are struggling over another human being. I mean, you don't care about my ex and I don't care for your ex but we both feel sadness over them. It's like once you've made a connection with someone it's hard to let go and bond again with someone else, or to even just live on alone.

What's worse is our exs don't care for us

I don't know what's worse bumping into your ex in your city or not been able to go to a place you once associated with your ex. Mine lived 260 miles away and I miss her but I miss her entire life around her too, the town, her family, their accents. I'll never get to see her again or her life. When I go for a walk at night I look up at the dark sky and I think how far away she is and I get this really hallow lonely feeling that I've lost my soul mate.

I feel weak right now I hope it gets better. There's a full bottle of vodka in the kitchen that's been there since she dumped me and I haven't touched it once so I'm proud of that.

you loose the heavy heart feeling so dont worry, its just adjusting to life.
Jumpy said probably one of the truest things in regards to relationships a while back that ive ever read (IMO anyways)

...you've already passed the point where they are so much a part of you it feels like you are only half there anymore.

and it is true, you adapt your life to co-exist with theirs, and once its removed, you are only half the person you were (that was a big thing for me to admit to myself, and i still struggle to admit it), its kind of like, trying to have a cup of tea, without the tea bag (rubbish example i know) i find it hard because i have to see my ex because of my daughter, and my daughter is always a reminder of the time i spent with my ex.

 

[FatFishMonster]

FFM, Ah, having a child complicates things somewhat.

Question: how drunk were you?

Call it a relapse then, (booze does that to me too sometimes) and that's ok, just don't wallow in it.

I still think you need to have more focus on you for the foreseeable future, rise above your low confidence and you'll see things differently in the long term. Remember this is a work in progress, not a fixed goal you can work towards to say, "yes, by this date and time everything will be fixed."

Little steps and all of that, find what you need from life in you and not in the reflections of others.

i wasnt steaming or anything, i wouldnt even say i was drunk, probably borderline tipsy/drunk.
ive been trying to do more things for myself, ive been off up to wembley, silverstone and off to brandshatch this sunday.

to be brutally honest, im more ashamed of myself that i let myself get that way, even after all that shes done to me, i still opened my self up like that for more hurt.

 

[jumpy]

Alcohol, even in small quantities can greatly alter your reaction to emotion. Any weekend aggro in town will show that haha

Looking on the plus side, that you recognise behaviour in yourself (be it good or bad, from your point of view) is already half way to seeing through to appreciate or do something about it. Being self aware can be more painful, but you will grow and learn from it.
Pity those who never ever change and remain the same dumb creatures they always have been.

 

[Doraku]

i wasnt steaming or anything, i wouldnt even say i was drunk, probably borderline tipsy/drunk.
ive been trying to do more things for myself, ive been off up to wembley, silverstone and off to brandshatch this sunday.

to be brutally honest, im more ashamed of myself that i let myself get that way, even after all that shes done to me, i still opened my self up like that for more hurt.

Never feel ashamed of yourself, we all go through negative experiences and it is part of appreciating life. You will always make silly mistakes, but it is more important to think about being proactive about doing something about it.

If I am in already a foul mood I like to avoid drinking, unless my friends cheer me up and I completely forget about what was on my mind. Drink just tends to exaggerate your mood.

 

[grudas]

Thanks for the thoughts and comments, I don't think she's coming back though. Part of me is angry that she offloaded me onto her friend, like she doesn't even want to deal with me. Her friend is the backseat driver and she will won't come back now after all the things her friend would have be saying. She might even feel silly now going against everything. I dunno maybe she just needs to sort her head out and then she might want to work things out. Not holding onto that though. I think I pushed her even further away by contacting her but I don't regret it, that's just how I feel. Eight years of memories to block out....

Wow ten months later and still have the feels? I'm in for a looong rollercoaster ride. It's only been three weeks for me, I still have that heavy heart feeling in my chest everyday. She's still in my dreams every night.

It's strange reading other people who are struggling over another human being. I mean, you don't care about my ex and I don't care for your ex but we both feel sadness over them. It's like once you've made a connection with someone it's hard to let go and bond again with someone else, or to even just live on alone.

What's worse is our exs don't care for us

I don't know what's worse bumping into your ex in your city or not been able to go to a place you once associated with your ex. Mine lived 260 miles away and I miss her but I miss her entire life around her too, the town, her family, their accents. I'll never get to see her again or her life. When I go for a walk at night I look up at the dark sky and I think how far away she is and I get this really hallow lonely feeling that I've lost my soul mate.

I feel weak right now I hope it gets better. There's a full bottle of vodka in the kitchen that's been there since she dumped me and I haven't touched it once so I'm proud of that.

WAT?! man up jesus.. the amount of guys I see crying about relationships is crazy.. so what she left, you loved her bobobababa.. end of story move on and find something else to do.. this tosh will get you nowhere..

 

[Nate Silvers]

You've clearly never been in love. Your comment only makes you look like a child.

 

[regulus]

Thanks for the thoughts and comments, I don't think she's coming back though. Part of me is angry that she offloaded me onto her friend, like she doesn't even want to deal with me. Her friend is the backseat driver and she will won't come back now after all the things her friend would have be saying. She might even feel silly now going against everything. I dunno maybe she just needs to sort her head out and then she might want to work things out. Not holding onto that though. I think I pushed her even further away by contacting her but I don't regret it, that's just how I feel. Eight years of memories to block out....

Wow ten months later and still have the feels? I'm in for a looong rollercoaster ride. It's only been three weeks for me, I still have that heavy heart feeling in my chest everyday. She's still in my dreams every night.

It's strange reading other people who are struggling over another human being. I mean, you don't care about my ex and I don't care for your ex but we both feel sadness over them. It's like once you've made a connection with someone it's hard to let go and bond again with someone else, or to even just live on alone.

What's worse is our exs don't care for us

I don't know what's worse bumping into your ex in your city or not been able to go to a place you once associated with your ex. Mine lived 260 miles away and I miss her but I miss her entire life around her too, the town, her family, their accents. I'll never get to see her again or her life. When I go for a walk at night I look up at the dark sky and I think how far away she is and I get this really hallow lonely feeling that I've lost my soul mate.

I feel weak right now I hope it gets better. There's a full bottle of vodka in the kitchen that's been there since she dumped me and I haven't touched it once so I'm proud of that.

In a way I'm envious of you having all these feelings. FEELING for someone. Enjoying the feelings of love and live. Albeit terrible ones right now. I can't ever do that or feel that way as I never put my heart up for the taking. If I get dumped today I might feel a bit shocked at the betrayal but I won't be down in the dumps. I'll be straight onto Match and start the roller coaster again.

 

[The__Malteser]

NO. The correct thing to do would have been to have got on with your night out.

I have an old ex (not the one I referred to earlier) and every time I'm out and we see eachother she tries to talk to me like we're best friends or something - she makes a point of it. Each time I tell her I'm not interested in being her friend. Water under the bridge and all of that, but there's just no room in my life for her kind of person. I'll say Hi or whatever, but there's just no need for there to be anything else.

You need to look at your ex in the same way.

I'd guess as well that you don't bump into her that much now, so it comes as a shock when you do? I can understand that, but you need to learn to ride right over stuff like that when it happens. Each time you do that your resolve will harden.

Your confidence struggles over that relationship because the decision about it ending was not one you freely made - she decided and you had to put up with the consequences. That is always much harder to come to terms with. Nevertheless, you must.

Stop trying so hard to 'make it happen' like it's some kind of box that needs ticking. Just get on and do your own thing and time will do the rest, 10 months is not that long and you need to get comfortable with your own company for a while before you think about anyone else (unless it's no strings attached sexytime).

I agree with this! It would not be correct to go home. Why should you ruin your night (and if I remember well, you said birthday) because you saw your ex? F that. Continue with your night and pull a nicer bird!

 

[FatFishMonster]

I agree with this! It would not be correct to go home. Why should you ruin your night (and if I remember well, you said birthday) because you saw your ex? F that. Continue with your night and pull a nicer bird!

yup was my birthday.
i kept telling myself to just ignore her and have a good time, but it didnt seem to work, which makes me more annoyed at myself as i let it get hold of me, even though i knew i was going wrong! and i knew it shouldnt be affecting me because its been 10 months! but now its going to take me days to get her and what happened out of my head! but i guess thats the consequences of what happened.

 

[Nate Silvers]

Cringe

 

[FatFishMonster]

It was the best eight years of my life and when it ended it was heartbreaking. I cried, mourned, soaked up all the feelings from it. But I'll do it again. I might get hurt another time but I have this experience as a tool now to help me.

She was my first girlfriend, my first relationship so I never had one before it for me to appreciate how beautiful a relationship is with someone you love. That's why we broke up, I was going through a bad time and I took it for granted. But this one is going to make me stronger. Same as lifting weights, no pain no gain.

Everyone should put their heart up for the taking, always open your heart up. I don't want my heart to become callous from this, I can't fall into depression from it. I want to be the happy person I was when I was single.

I just need to move on and block her out as best as I can or I'll never get out of this mess. She's going to move on from me so I don't want to be beating myself up forever when I can't be with her.

Even if she did get back with me, she'll resent me as who I am now. So I need to change and become stronger. I just have to get past this challenge.

I'm really grateful for experiencing a meaningful relationship, being in love. I truly never thought we'd part ways, I thought we would have been an old couple. In time, if I ever get over her I just have to find someone better. Right now I don't think that's possible but maybe I'll have to meet more women to find out, and do things differently. Then I can handle that one better and not take it for granted again.

I couldn't jump around on a dating website though, I truly cared for this girl and we had such a strong connection. I'm still in love with her and the thought of being with someone else saddens me because they will be nothing like her.

I'm feeling better today, it's amazing the difference hanging out with friends can make VS being alone in a four walled white room. Today I was pretty happy with myself, just me alone.

Though I know it's going to be one long roller coaster ride ahead. I know my ex isn't finding it easy too, I wish I could be there for her but that would be a paradox, she is the one that broke up with me.

Feel you buddy. my ex was my first true love, and i never thought it would it end, no one is able to prepare you for what happens when it ends, kinda like being thrown in to the deep end, and ive been with other girls, your right its never the same and is scary at first, but its a good scary as it builds your character.

but your ticking all the right boxes on knowing how to handle it and where to go with the situation, i wish i could say i was the same when my relationship ended, i remember battling for weeks/months over text messages etc... trying to reclaim what i lost, and if i look back now, i made it ten times harder for myself, because when all this was happening, i wasn't eating, i wasn't sleeping properly and everyone who i thought i could trust abandoned me without a second thought.

i think it was only through people on this forum and my family that i managed to restore some sanity to my life.

but its a shame for me to see that i managed to undo things that i struggled to achieve over weeks, in the matter of a couple of hours....

 

[grudas]

You've clearly never been in love. Your comment only makes you look like a child.

not a child, just a bit cold when it comes to these things

In a way I'm envious of you having all these feelings. FEELING for someone. Enjoying the feelings of love and live. Albeit terrible ones right now. I can't ever do that or feel that way as I never put my heart up for the taking. If I get dumped today I might feel a bit shocked at the betrayal but I won't be down in the dumps. I'll be straight onto Match and start the roller coaster again.

this describes me quite well.. I just don't FEEL that much to give a tosh when it ends? hard to explain.. and probably not a good thing either

 

[secretspy]

I split with an ex of 4 years about 9 years ago and I still have some feelings there. I don't think it will ever go and there are days where I miss him but then I remember all of the bad things that happened.

Maybe if he hadn't of behaved the way he did then we could've grown up a bit and given things another try but there's no point looking back. It won't help.

I definitely prefer to cut all contact straight away with an ex. Things will nearly always end up being said/done that you regret once you've had time to calm down. That is the time to also be selfish.
Previously I was "too nice" as some people call me, and stayed in contact because I still cared for someone and wanted to be around to support them with a problem they were having. All it did was pull me further down and it took months for me to get back up again.

You can never forget the past but you can learn from it. Move forward, focus on yourself. Ask yourself what do you want from life? What do you want to achieve?

Relationships scare the heck out of me now lol. I feel stronger than I did a while ago but just the thought of it all makes me run for the hills lol. For now though I'm concentrating on myself, working towards improving my health so that I can get out there and really enjoy the world

 

[grudas]

I split with an ex of 4 years about 9 years ago and I still have some feelings there. I don't think it will ever go and there are days where I miss him but then I remember all of the bad things that happened.

Maybe if he hadn't of behaved the way he did then we could've grown up a bit and given things another try but there's no point looking back. It won't help.

I definitely prefer to cut all contact straight away with an ex. Things will nearly always end up being said/done that you regret once you've had time to calm down. That is the time to also be selfish.
Previously I was "too nice" as some people call me, and stayed in contact because I still cared for someone and wanted to be around to support them with a problem they were having. All it did was pull me further down and it took months for me to get back up again.

You can never forget the past but you can learn from it. Move forward, focus on yourself. Ask yourself what do you want from life? What do you want to achieve?

Relationships scare the heck out of me now lol. I feel stronger than I did a while ago but just the thought of it all makes me run for the hills lol. For now though I'm concentrating on myself, working towards improving my health so that I can get out there and really enjoy the world

yeah thats what my ex did, she cut all the contact like 1+ years ago and tbh I don't mind it all I wanted to stay friends even tho I knew it would never work but she went ahead and blocked me in every possible way(mind you I never tried to contact her) best way to go IMO.

 

[Nate Silvers]

Removed.

 

[grudas]

jimmy savile?

yeah my last GF was quite special we went through a lot together but at the end we both decided to end it as the last 6months of our 2 year relationship were quite bad and that was that.. she changed her mind tho and wanted to get back together like most chicks do but I simply don't change my mind.. I have decided and agreed with her that it was turd and there was nothing we could do and trust me we've tried! so instead of being a sad looser I closed that door and moved on! and tbh this past year(since ending it with her) has been epic for me! mind you she wasn't the problem(or at least I think she wasn't) so IMO man up and crack on with other things.. girls come and go being a saddo online will get you nowhere.. you love her etc you have feelings blah blah.. get you turd together and start living wouldn't be surprised if she was to turn around and try and get back with you.. but hey its up to you where you keep your balls.. her purse or your trousers.

 

[Nate Silvers]

Removed.

 

[FatFishMonster]

Fair play, our last six months sucked too but we didn't get to spend them together otherwise it would have been different. Why was it turd, did you just not get on in the end? How long did it take her to change her mind, I don't think my ex is, she planned it all without me.


She just posted this on Twitter

"All I need is someone to talk too. But its been so long since I've talked to anyone about ny feelings properly that I just can't anymore"

It kills me that I can't listen to her She said she felt sad a few times to me this year but I never knew she was this sad. It's hard online you can't tell.

Over the cause of my relationship we had rubbish times, but i think rubbish times come with most relationships at some point, and we broke up a couple of times (silly argument break ups, not big scale) and we both had things that we thought needed to change. Things were getting better until, November last year, she started speaking to some lad up in Liverpool, basically flirting and saying she didn't know if she wanted to be with me to him, and back then i didn't know how to handle it, so i just ignored it and tried to carry on, until it all blew up in to a massive argument, anyways i tried to forget it and move on, but i think in the long run that made it worse and then 2 months later the relationship ended.

if i were you id block her twitter feed, Facebook, instagram or any other form of social networking, it might sound harsh, but reading those things tears you apart, it took me a long time to block my ex's Facebook, and i wish i had done it sooner and i would check it everyday and it just made it worse. the longer you leave it, the harder it becomes, its not a case of you not caring what they post or how they feel, its about protecting your own sanity, something i neglected, and am still neglecting now given what happened on Saturday.

so i can tell today is going to be one of those days, yesterday i was unable to get my ex out of my head, and its the same for today, its not a case of wanting to think about her, its just its all there in the back of my head, and its stressing me out as i cant seem to shift it.

 

[grudas]

LOL not that kind of touch...

Fair play, our last six months sucked too but we didn't get to spend them together otherwise it would have been different. Why was it turd, did you just not get on in the end? How long did it take her to change her mind, I don't think my ex is, she planned it all without me.

Girls do come and go, maybe if I had your ex girlfriend I would be saying the same thing you are. Maybe if you had my ex girlfriend you'd be thinking a whole lot differently. If I were to write a 100 things I loved about her it would only take me 20 minutes.

I don't think you was in love with that girl, but that's cool you'll find the one eventually then you can tell me about how

we did spend our last 6 months trying to sort things out.. it was her mum that kept on saying that I'm not good enough etc etc that I should buy her tones of stuff etc etc even tho she clearly knew I wasn't in the position to waste any money at that time its her parents that made a hell out of it without realizing..

nope don't think so simply over the 6 months of arguments etc I got used to the fact that it won't work and waited for the final "that's it" once she screamed at me to dump her again I did it and that was it.

I loved her to bits but as above it wasn't a thing that went from everything to nothing.. it gradually wen't from an awesome relationship to a turd.