The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
- Thread starter mattyprice4004
- Start date
Soldato
- Joined
- 24 Apr 2011
- Posts
- 5,455
Why do you still have your ex on facebook?!
Get out there and meet new people. Do meetups like other posters told you. You don't need to be with the perfect person tbh. You can spend 6 months with a not so perfect person, they change (it sounds stupid, but thats what we all do no?).
You'll probably end up being with the perfect person forever, and people like that are hard to find.
Or find an OCUK-er. You already know a few of them, no?
Get out there and meet new people. Do meetups like other posters told you. You don't need to be with the perfect person tbh. You can spend 6 months with a not so perfect person, they change (it sounds stupid, but thats what we all do no?).
You'll probably end up being with the perfect person forever, and people like that are hard to find.
Or find an OCUK-er. You already know a few of them, no?
Soldato
- Joined
- 16 Jan 2003
- Posts
- 10,981
- Location
- Nottingham
It's not about lowering your standards, it's about not having these unrealistic expectations of a perfect person.
Relationships are mostly about being with someone whose flaws you can deal with to be honest, if you're hunting for that perfect person who fits every single criteria you have for a partner then yes you will probably end up old and alone because simply put that person very likely doesn't exist.
I've been single for ages but sometimes really appreciate it. I've got up off my bum and started doing the things I always dreamed of. I've met loads of new people which is great seeing as most of my old circle are now up to their necks in baby poo and nappies and don't go out much anymore!
Not wanting the whole marriage and kids thing has probably doomed me to being foreveralone.jpg but there's no way I'm compromising my sanity just to make someone else happy.
Not wanting the whole marriage and kids thing has probably doomed me to being foreveralone.jpg but there's no way I'm compromising my sanity just to make someone else happy.
Last edited:
It took me about a year to get over the break up of my 7.5yr relationship
I still have him on Facebook because his existence doesn't bother me. I see photos of him with his girlfriend and updates about his life, but it doesn't affect me at all. Only thing it does do is make me think "Oh **** I better get a move on and find a man, I'm not getting any younger.." Also, I'm good friends with his sister and cousin, so if my friends comment on his posts then it'll appear on the news feed as well.
You're right. I'm know I'm not perfect myself and I do need to be more realistic. But what is reality? Do I be with someone who is less than perfect in my mind, then what if the almost-perfect person comes along.. but by that time it's too late and I've gone too far down the line to break it off? Yes, what if's are pretty naff.. What if I wait but I end up never meeting the perfect man etc.
Perhaps I'll set myself a deadline... If I'm still single by the time I reach 35, I'll just have to settle for someone who is less than perfect
Soldato
- Joined
- 24 Apr 2011
- Posts
- 5,455
I agree with this.
Nobody is perfect. You need to find the people who come closest to perfect.
But then again, you can never know if you never try.
Hmm.. Don't really know how I'm feeling at the moment. Looking on Facebook now, I can see:
- friends posting photos of their babies
- updates and photos from an ex about his his new house purchase with his girlfriend
- photos of friends and their engagement rings
- photos of weddings
- check ins of friends and their other halves when they're out and about
Knew I shouldn't have re-activated my account...
I'm not jealous of my friends, but maybe a bit envious. I'm not desperate, I don't feel lonely, I don't feel sad. However, I do feel a little lost. Like I'm plodding along in life and will quite possibly end up growing old alone.
I've been single for 5 and a half years now. I don't really get the chance to meet anyone new because I hardly go out these days (friends are all busy). I've tried the whole online dating thing but I gave up on it. I don't have to be single but I choose to - because I refuse to be with someone who I'm not 100% happy with just so I won't be alone. I'm too picky. Too confident. Too proud. Too independent.
It feels wrong for me to 'lower' my standards and just get with a not-so-perfect guy just for the sake of not being single. It would be unfair on the other person and will most definitely not be true happiness.
What to do.
Same here lol 80% of my friends are in relationships etc etc.. and I'm just here doing my own thing and I'm way too picky with girls(need to fix this).. genuinely nothing interests me lol.
mind you I'm not as old or grumpy as you are.. just fallow the stereotype.. find a bf, buy a house, get pregnant, grow old and die
@ MisChief
As others have already said: there are no perfect people
Expecting to meet 'mister (or miss) right' is a self fulfilling fallacy, one that ensures that anyone you meet will fail to live up to your expectations.
I'd say that this is up to you to work out; mainly by letting yourself just accept people for who they are, not for who you want them to be. In terms of a relationship, not doing this will kill it for you (or them) very quickly.
I also think you're making it over-complicated with all of the what if's (what happens if it gets too far and I don't like it etc).
Forget making a deadline too.
My experience is that things happen when you are least expecting them to, when you are not looking for them they just happen.
Obviously you can broaden your social circle a bit, meet new people, but not necessarily with forming a 'relationship' in mind.
I'm 37 and came out of a long-term relationship over 3 years ago that ended rather badly (for me anyways); I've seen a couple of people since then, but nothing lasted. Not that I had any preconceived expectations, but I did find that some of my motivation had changed, partly to do with the people I was now with, but mostly due to who I became following the breakup of the long term relationship.
Learning to trust my own instinct and other people again is still part of the process - one that changes with time and experience I guess.
As others have already said: there are no perfect people
Expecting to meet 'mister (or miss) right' is a self fulfilling fallacy, one that ensures that anyone you meet will fail to live up to your expectations.
I'd say that this is up to you to work out; mainly by letting yourself just accept people for who they are, not for who you want them to be. In terms of a relationship, not doing this will kill it for you (or them) very quickly.
I also think you're making it over-complicated with all of the what if's (what happens if it gets too far and I don't like it etc).
Forget making a deadline too.
My experience is that things happen when you are least expecting them to, when you are not looking for them they just happen.
Obviously you can broaden your social circle a bit, meet new people, but not necessarily with forming a 'relationship' in mind.
I'm 37 and came out of a long-term relationship over 3 years ago that ended rather badly (for me anyways); I've seen a couple of people since then, but nothing lasted. Not that I had any preconceived expectations, but I did find that some of my motivation had changed, partly to do with the people I was now with, but mostly due to who I became following the breakup of the long term relationship.
Learning to trust my own instinct and other people again is still part of the process - one that changes with time and experience I guess.
You're right. I'm know I'm not perfect myself and I do need to be more realistic. But what is reality? Do I be with someone who is less than perfect in my mind, then what if the almost-perfect person comes along.. but by that time it's too late and I've gone too far down the line to break it off? Yes, what if's are pretty naff.. What if I wait but I end up never meeting the perfect man etc.
Perhaps I'll set myself a deadline... If I'm still single by the time I reach 35, I'll just have to settle for someone who is less than perfect
Nobody is "perfect", everybody has flaws. That's life. I've been with my missus for more than 10 years now (still dodging the marriage bullet
) and she has her little quirks that bug me. I still wouldn't change her for the world if I could "make her perfect". She may not be "perfect" but she's the right one for me but I only know that after spending these years with her.If you spend your life waiting for somebody who is "perfect" then you'll still be waiting when you're 70 and full of regrets/missed opportunities. You only get to know your real partner by spending time with them in a relationship.
Put aside the ideal picture of your partner and take some risks. Sure it may not work out, but you won't really know unless you try!
Ive been single for over 10 years, I can get down about this from time to time but very rarely. A few things I learnt from still being single which helps me get on.
1. Don't put a number on it, get with someone when YOU feel the time is right. Don't be a Lemming and follow what all your friends are doing.
2. Don't pay attention to the friends who say "oh, there is someone out there for you" , "oh, when you are not looking someone will come along" To me this is all BS and they don't understand. Not every has the ability to sit on their backsides, have people just walk upto them and fall into a fantastic relationship.
3. Just like a job, if you want a job then go out and find one. Get out and do more sociable activities and make others around you aware you are single and willing to date.
4. Have a more realistic idea of what you look for in a person relationship-wise. People say to me I'm took picky, I dont think I am. All I want to be with a with a women who has independence, not too old or young, doesn't smoke, take drugs or excessively drink, doesn't have any emotional or physical baggage and not fat. But according to some, I am asking for too much
The main reason I don't think it's worth waiting for the 'perfect man' or 'perfect women' is that deep down, very few us can predict exactly what will make us happy next week, let alone in a few years time.
What you deem to be perfect now, may irritate you beyond belief in time - relationships are all about exploration, you will never know if the person is right for you until you give them a try.
It's impossible to know if somebody is perfect before a relationship starts because until you have been in a relationship with them for a reasonable amount of time - you simply don't really know them that well. Most people look for similarity in a partner, when for many complimentary attributes work better in the long term (another example as to that most of us really don't how we feel about something until we are experiencing it).
Personally, I'd suggest going for somebody you know you have chemistry with (this is critical), isn't a massive jerk & you find attractive.
The rest isn't really knowable until much later on, but those aspects you can determine pretty quickly (before a relationship).
What you deem to be perfect now, may irritate you beyond belief in time - relationships are all about exploration, you will never know if the person is right for you until you give them a try.
It's impossible to know if somebody is perfect before a relationship starts because until you have been in a relationship with them for a reasonable amount of time - you simply don't really know them that well. Most people look for similarity in a partner, when for many complimentary attributes work better in the long term (another example as to that most of us really don't how we feel about something until we are experiencing it).
Personally, I'd suggest going for somebody you know you have chemistry with (this is critical), isn't a massive jerk & you find attractive.
The rest isn't really knowable until much later on, but those aspects you can determine pretty quickly (before a relationship).
Last edited:
Associate
- Joined
- 23 Mar 2011
- Posts
- 1,731
- Location
- Devon
^^
A woman without emotional baggage? Do they even exist?
Not on this planet!
and they all have physical baggage, some consider those bags on their chest baggage! however some are bigger than others!
^^
A woman without emotional baggage? Do they even exist?
Let me explain abit more
Women who still keep in touch with their ex's. Unless you have a financial tie such as an mortgage etc. You have no reason to be friends with an ex.
Soldato
- Joined
- 2 Feb 2010
- Posts
- 11,636
- Location
- Crowmarsh
Recently split with my gf of over 9 years, didn't mope about, just got out there and found someone else Now been seeing someone who I really enjoy spending time with for over two months
Now been seeing someone who I really enjoy spending time with for over two months
Associate
- Joined
- 23 Mar 2011
- Posts
- 1,731
- Location
- Devon
be wary of your feelings jumping back and biting you in the A** at a later date, this happened to me when i split from my ex of 4 years!Recently split with my gf of over 9 years, didn't mope about, just got out there and found someone else
Recently split with my gf of over 9 years, didn't mope about, just got out there and found someone else
Rebound honeymoon is always going to be nicer than the last few years of an unhappy long term relationship.
Soldato
- Joined
- 2 Feb 2010
- Posts
- 11,636
- Location
- Crowmarsh
Yeh very true, but things are going well at the moment so I'm happy to see where they go
Plus I'm actually getting to smash some pasty
Associate
- Joined
- 23 Mar 2011
- Posts
- 1,731
- Location
- Devon
One thing ive noticed and learned is, you have to become happy on your own before you can become happy with someone else.
im currently not really happy on own so im kind of failing my own advice
but im working on it, been single for just under a year now.
im currently not really happy on own so im kind of failing my own advice
but im working on it, been single for just under a year now.
One thing ive noticed and learned is, you have to become happy on your own before you can become happy with someone else.
im currently not really happy on own so im kind of failing my own advice
but im working on it, been single for just under a year now.
For if you don't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you!