The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

grumpysculler said:
All that's about you - what does she put in?
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Now this is the hard part, I literally made a list of things I accept and deal with and then tried to make a list for her for me....

I couldn't come up with anything really, anything she doesn't like or accept about me she tells me I have to change to make her happy so i do :S.
 
ci_newman said:
Does she have a job, and when will you stop living with your parents? I get the feeling that she feels trapped in your current living arrangements. FYI, it isn't normal for an engaged couple to be living with their parents /in-laws for an extended amount of time without good cause.
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She is a full time NHS nurse.

She wanted to move in and we are staying here for about another 4 months
 
If you have imagine I have completed gutted our house and refurbed it so it's all been done with my savings which I have saved over the last 10years. She didn't have any savings so I have paid and done it all. Hence now we need to save to finish it off.
 
Have you spoken to her about how you're feeling with her constant emotional demands? Was she like this before you moved in with your parents? How old is she? Has she ever had any hobbies or interests?

Sorry for all the questions.
 
Yes and she says she knows she is in the wrong and it will change but it just doesn't.

Yes she was like this before hence why she wanted to move in and I thought that would help things but again that wasn't enough.

She is 26.

No problems with questions :).
 
Yes before me she used to meet with friends and stuff but she slowly stopped it all since me even though I have always encouraged her to do so.
 
I have ended up dating a friend of many years, well by dating I mean we live together...

Starting to really question if it was a good decision at all.

Women are crazy.
 
Matutu said:
Yes thats what I thought.....

The thing is I literally have put everything into this, I have tried the hardest I could to sort things, try to be whats she wants etc etc Spent every penny I have earnt on our house etc etc.

Just can't deal with the thought that it would be over :S
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Some people don't realise that happiness comes from within. It's not something you can get from other people or from having things. I've seen so many women that think a husband/house/kids/money, etc will somehow magically make them happy with their lives, and it just doesn't work that way.

There's far too many women brought up to believe in the Disney fairytale. They see fictional relationships in books and TV, and wonder why their lives aren't like that, why they don't feel ecstatically happy all the time. They don't seem to realise that life and a relationship is sometimes work, effort and compromise so that you can enjoy the good times with the people that you love.

For instance, I haven't seen my wife much this week because she's been working late. I've told her that I've missed her, and I've made sure the little time she's spent with me has made her happy, and that we'll make an extra effort to do things and spend time together this weekend.

I'm not going to spend the little time we've had this week complaining and moaning that I've haven't seen her, that she hasn't made me happy, that she's not doing well enough on her side of the relationship like some people would. It's just self-defeating to take the little time we've had and spoil it by complaining we've not had enough time together. But I've seen people who do that all the time.

A woman once gave me good advice by saying that if she wanted to get any man, all she needed to do was make sure he had a good time with her. She made it so that he was happy, that he wanted to be with her all the time. If you want someone to be with you, then make them want to be with you. If you make the time spent unpleasant, then you'll just drive them away or make them miserable, just as your GF is doing.

If you put all your happiness on someone else, then you set them up for failure. Just like jealousy, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.
 
Matutu said:
Yes before me she used to meet with friends and stuff but she slowly stopped it all since me even though I have always encouraged her to do so.
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I wouldn't class meeting up with friends as a hobby or interest, unless they obviously did something specific together.

Did you live with each other before you moved back in with your parents? I only ask that because you said she was like that before and that's why she wanted to move in.

I don't know the exact ins and outs of your living arrangements or how comfortable it is for her, but from my perspective then I would find it difficult for a prolonged period of time. I'm guessing that you perhaps lived there before moving out so at some point it's been your 'home', and if that's the case then you probably feel more comfortable there than she does. Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable coming and going in the same way that you do, or even truly relaxing, because ultimately it's not her family home and she is, to some extent, a guest.

On the other hand you're saying she was like this before, which raises the question of why has this only become an issue now? Have you always given in to her demands? Do you ever stop and say no?

The problem is that you give people an inch and they'll take a mile, so if she demands something from you and you give it to her without any discussion or thought then it's likely she's going to keep wanting more because she knows she has a good chance of getting it.

How much time have you had where you've had prolonged time to yourselves since you moved back in with your parents? Sometimes when you're together but around other people it doesn't really feel like you're having much time for your relationship.

Maybe ask her what it is exactly that she wants and expects from you? I'm not meaning that you then give in to her demands, but perhaps it will make her come to the realisation herself that she's expecting too much.
 
Steampunk said:
Some people don't realise that happiness comes from within. It's not something you can get from other people or from having things. I've seen so many women that think a husband/house/kids/money, etc will somehow magically make them happy with their lives, and it just doesn't work that way.

There's far too many women brought up to believe in the Disney fairytale. They see fictional relationships in books and TV, and wonder why their lives aren't like that, why they don't feel ecstatically happy all the time. They don't seem to realise that life and a relationship is sometimes work, effort and compromise so that you can enjoy the good times with the people that you love.
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Think this is the nail on the head :(.

malolo said:
I wouldn't class meeting up with friends as a hobby or interest, unless they obviously did something specific together.

Did you live with each other before you moved back in with your parents? I only ask that because you said she was like that before and that's why she wanted to move in.
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No she was just basically staying here the whole week then going home 2 days a week, hence made sense to move in.


malolo said:
On the other hand you're saying she was like this before, which raises the question of why has this only become an issue now? Have you always given in to her demands? Do you ever stop and say no?
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Yes she was like this before moving in, it got a lot worst when I engaged.... Some things I say no but mostly I have always tried as I want to keep her happy well at least try I mean :S.
 
Matutu said:
Some things I say no but mostly I have always tried as I want to keep her happy well at least try I mean :S.
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Does she try to keep you happy?

It all sounds very one sided and from reading what you've written I don't think that's necessarily all her fault. You talk about how you've used all your savings on the house, how you try and keep her happy, but you don't say anything about what she's contributed. It comes back to what I said previously about giving an inch and taking a mile, but you seem to be enabling her to do that.

Did you even want to get engaged, or was that merely to keep her happy too? How long have you been together?

If the situation hasn't really been any different but has now become a problem something must have changed within you for it to be that way now. Are you scared that if you actually put your foot down and point out that she's being unreasonable and stop giving in to all her demands that she'll leave you? Do you actually love her, or do you love the idea of not being alone?
 
Why is it men always do the chasing?

I text her, she takes ages to text back, i text back in a few seconds, she leaves it ages to text back, now repeat over a few weeks :(

Think it's time i don't reply when she does and leave it for good. :(
 
Clov!s said:
Why is it men always do the chasing?

I text her, she takes ages to text back, i text back in a few seconds, she leaves it ages to text back, now repeat over a few weeks :(

Think it's time i don't reply when she does and leave it for good. :(
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Sounds like she's not interested. Just move on.
 
Monkeynut said:
It just sounds like she's keeping you on a hook whilst she waits for a better offer.
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Well she got out of a 2 year relationship 2 months ago. Thinking about it, i reckon she is wanting to be single while she gets over her ex, but keeping me there as a rebound :(

I asked her a few days ago if what we have is going any further, she said it would but not at the rate i want it to.
 
malolo said:
Does she try to keep you happy?

It all sounds very one sided and from reading what you've written I don't think that's necessarily all her fault. You talk about how you've used all your savings on the house, how you try and keep her happy, but you don't say anything about what she's contributed. It comes back to what I said previously about giving an inch and taking a mile, but you seem to be enabling her to do that.

Did you even want to get engaged, or was that merely to keep her happy too? How long have you been together?
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I think that has been the problem I am almost feeding her to do this. She has always been slightly insecure but now this is very OTT, to the point I was really hot one night (feeling ill), both sat on the sofa and she sits always like in my skin "As she likes closeness....", I ask can you please move I just need to some space..... Wow she was not happy huge thing about "Now you always want space you never want to be with me!" I WAS HOT lol, and a single night. She cant understand why I would ever want space from her, if I think that even when im ill or hot etc I am in the wrong.

Yes I did want to get engaged, we had been together for a year when I asked, I wanted to as I saw that as where I wanted to go for our lives, move on, get a house, engaged, move in, wedding etc etc however since that day, things which where slightly upsetting or OTT have just gone off the scale.
Yes I have spent everything I have earnt on our house, I am in deep about 50+k, she has put in around 5kish, yet she will still turn around to me and complain and moan to me about its taking to long or the words that kill me "Do you know how much I have spent on this place!" lol, 5k compared to my 50k!

Steampunk said:
woman once gave me good advice by saying that if she wanted to get any man, all she needed to do was make sure he had a good time with her. She made it so that he was happy, that he wanted to be with her all the time. If you want someone to be with you, then make them want to be with you. If you make the time spent unpleasant, then you'll just drive them away or make them miserable, just as your GF is doing.
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This I think is also a point... this is the problem as I am just expecting when I see her the next complaint, the next problem, the next I am not meeting what she wants..... I almost dont want to see her because of this, sometimes I walk in from the gym and I can tell in her glance, that very moment I just want to turn around and walk out.

Really a tough one
 
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