The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[86JR]

^ this

It now sounds to me that she wants to make you out as the bad guy and become all apologetic etc...

I think she has 'Princess Syndrome'

She wants you to only be with her, always. She doesn't want to share you and she wants you to put her on a pedestal and basically worship her. She wants you to reassure her everyday of her beauty, of your love for her, and of the beautiful future you are going to have together...

e: So no rocking the boat, no being un-happy and just being a puppy/dog which will love her unconditionally *spew*

Is she an only child? Or is she the youngest sibling by a big age gap? Or the only girl with brothers?

And, after years of doing that, she will drop you like a stone when she takes an interest in a better looking / younger model. Because she is self obsessed and does not care about your feelings.

When she cheats, and she will I am afraid, that will be your fault too in her eyes.

 

[Vidar]

And, after years of doing that, she will drop you like a stone when she takes an interest in a better looking / younger model. Because she is self obsessed and does not care about your feelings.

When she cheats, and she will I am afraid, that will be your fault too in her eyes.

Amen brother.... that's almost exactly what happened to me, only before she cheated and after years of emotional and psychological abuse that got worse over time she started being violent.

Now I'm a big guy, 6ft8 and heavy set (albeit too much round the waist line) but refuse to raise my hands to a woman... I was kicked, punched, slapped, spat at, bitten, kneed in the nuts, scratched and on one occasion hit over the head with a step ladder (not just a small metal one, but a solid wooden one) and that was all my fault too! Even when she went into the kitchen to get a knife and threatened to stab me in front of our children because I'd made her a cup of tea and asked her how her day was, which was considered me spying on her? And yes that was my fault too....

Not to mention when she admitted to cheating, yeah you guessed it... I caused that too!

Honestly mate I know better than most, its easier said than done but start planning your escape now!

 

[TrixiBuG]

Can I suggest a trial separation?

Minimum of 2 weeks...no contact, no seeing each other, no nothing until the 15th day

On the 15th day you can then contact each other (or not) to arrange a meeting (or not)

it is hard...very very hard. But if one of you sticks to it - IE you, ignore her texts calls etc - then at the end of the 2 weeks you *should* have both had head space enough to work out what you both want

 

[Mr Badger]

Can I suggest a trial separation?

Minimum of 2 weeks...no contact, no seeing each other, no nothing until the 15th day

On the 15th day you can then contact each other (or not) to arrange a meeting (or not)

it is hard...very very hard. But if one of you sticks to it - IE you, ignore her texts calls etc - then at the end of the 2 weeks you *should* have both had head space enough to work out what you both want

Could be worth a try. However even if she does agree to it, from what's already been shared I'm guessing she will be in touch pretty soon with some sort of "emergency".

 

[Matutu]

I am considering a trial separation thing, I have mentioned this before and all she says "your makings take a step backwards!". Without even thinking we are in this position due to her choices and actions.....

We just had another 2 hour chat.... I know now basically everything is my fault...... an example:

Her "So what I am just supposed to accept that for an entire day I get 2 kisses only!!!" (This to her is not normal and people do not kiss less than obviously a higher figure than this)

Me " But you know why that was it was due to you being a nightmare and just blaming me for something so insane " (The sausage roll instance for example or something similar which led to a huge debate)

Her "Yes I know it was my fault but its still wrong, no couple does that"

So basically twisting her doing back onto me :S.

The problem is we have an issue as well with the house.... .

I paid the deposit, mortgage etc etc so the deeds are in my name.... the mortgage is in my name...... She has 20k inheritance which it was agreed she would pay back to me and I could pay back to my parents as they loaned this to me when she was put on.

It was agreed that she would go on in October last year, however things were very bad and I got her brother and sister in law to sit down with us to discuss these things, and it was agreed (not by her) that it was insane to put her on the mortgage in this position with things so on the edge. Then we said we would look again in January as long as things were better etc etc. Now December came and was no different exactly the same and she was still "Trying" and she "I can fix this", so we said March......

Now all of this and this has gone on for so long noting that we go no longer than 2/3 DAYS!!! without something and thats a maybe and a stretch! so I have had a think and decided its not a good idea to do the mortgage..... Simply because I don't believe even by some stroke of lightening that she did fix this for 2 weeks or even 2months that it couldn't come back. I would like to see something like 6 months! of actually showing she appreciates me and actually cares/loves me.....

OMG that was it I explained this and she went off the rails . She wants to be put on end of and blames me for not putting her on! even though she will admit she is the reason for not going on......

I have to talk to you guys on here as basically I don't have a lot of friends which I can talk to for advice lol.

 

[Steampunk]

For goodness sake, don't put her on the mortgage or house deeds when you paid for it all. If you do split, she will demand half of everything she has her name on, and legally she will be entitled. She might even end up holding that over your head if you want to split.

Let's face it, you need to get some space to get your head together and the trial separation is a good idea. If not, you either get some couple's therapy, or push the big red button and split up. Sell the house, give her back her five grand and you take the rest and start a new life, or just buy her out.

It sounds like you don't love this woman any more - she's ruined the relationship. I don't think she can fix it, because what you've done is found out who she really is, not who she pretended to be when you first met her.

 

[Captain]

As above, absolutely do not put her on your mortgage.

If the worst happens and you split, at least you won't be forced back home or into some place grotty.

 

[[FnG]magnolia]

More armchair advice: don't put her on the deeds, don't marry her, do break up with her, do meet someone else.

 

[Vidar]

Matutu.... honestly my friend I can understand how you're feeling and I know it's hard, as I keep saying my circumstances where/are different but still...

Things are not going to magically change I'm afraid and you can keep trying till you're blue in the face but unless she is willing to take steps too, you're going to keep flogging a dead horse...

I'll say it again, start planning your withdrawal from this relationship... if you can afford to start putting money away etc, give it to your parents or something if you're worried about her finding out but generally just get things in order...

 

[Fuzz]

Dude, dude...
Putting her on a mortgage is the most insane idea you could possibly do right now and I'm glad you see this.
As far as I can see she is just trying to get her claws into it.
DO NOT LET HER DO THAT and don't let her get her claws into you either.
You sound miserable and you will be forever miserable if you carry on with this woman.
I'd rather be single than married to crazy.
As Vidar says, get your affairs in order and move on.

 

[Captain]

It sucks liking someone in a relationship, she's soooo hot aswell!

 

[FatFishMonster]

It sucks liking someone in a relationship, she's soooo hot aswell!

sucks liking someone fullstop for me!
two girls in the space of week, talking to them, great convo, not chasing them, then just not contact or no reply all of sudden.

who knows, maybe they got a better look at me

 

[Captain]

sucks liking someone fullstop for me!
two girls in the space of week, talking to them, great convo, not chasing them, then just not contact or no reply all of sudden.

who knows, maybe they got a better look at me

Hey man don't put yourself down I have changed a lot in the past year, I could normally meet a girl and not let myself fall for her quickly, but now, a week or so of texting and I'm smitten I wish I wasn't like it tbf, because when they inevitably move on with someone else, it Sucks

 

[Nix]

Hey man don't put yourself down I have changed a lot in the past year, I could normally meet a girl and not let myself fall for her quickly, but now, a week or so of texting and I'm smitten I wish I wasn't like it tbf, because when they inevitably move on with someone else, it Sucks

Stop projecting.

 

[Vidar]

Guys if you're talking about meeting these girls on the likes of PoF without any real world contact don't take it to heart...

No offence intended but we all know women can be fickle creatures at the best of times, but as disheartening as it is without real world involvement with each other (like a date) its even easier to detach..

 

[Captain]

Nah this is someone I work with, same area so I have to see her daily lol

 

[FatFishMonster]

Guys if you're talking about meeting these girls on the likes of PoF without any real world contact don't take it to heart...

No offence intended but we all know women can be fickle creatures at the best of times, but as disheartening as it is without real world involvement with each other (like a date) its even easier to detach..

one of the two girls i was speaking to, i knew from a while back, we used to work together and kind of made plans to meet up but she just stopped replying.

the other one was off POF so i don't take that one to heart.

 

[TrixiBuG]

I am considering a trial separation thing, I have mentioned this before and all she says "your makings take a step backwards!". Without even thinking we are in this position due to her choices and actions.....

We just had another 2 hour chat.... I know now basically everything is my fault...... an example:

Her "So what I am just supposed to accept that for an entire day I get 2 kisses only!!!" (This to her is not normal and people do not kiss less than obviously a higher figure than this)

Me " But you know why that was it was due to you being a nightmare and just blaming me for something so insane " (The sausage roll instance for example or something similar which led to a huge debate)

Her "Yes I know it was my fault but its still wrong, no couple does that"

So basically twisting her doing back onto me :S.

The problem is we have an issue as well with the house.... .

I paid the deposit, mortgage etc etc so the deeds are in my name.... the mortgage is in my name...... She has 20k inheritance which it was agreed she would pay back to me and I could pay back to my parents as they loaned this to me when she was put on.

It was agreed that she would go on in October last year, however things were very bad and I got her brother and sister in law to sit down with us to discuss these things, and it was agreed (not by her) that it was insane to put her on the mortgage in this position with things so on the edge. Then we said we would look again in January as long as things were better etc etc. Now December came and was no different exactly the same and she was still "Trying" and she "I can fix this", so we said March......

Now all of this and this has gone on for so long noting that we go no longer than 2/3 DAYS!!! without something and thats a maybe and a stretch! so I have had a think and decided its not a good idea to do the mortgage..... Simply because I don't believe even by some stroke of lightening that she did fix this for 2 weeks or even 2months that it couldn't come back. I would like to see something like 6 months! of actually showing she appreciates me and actually cares/loves me.....

OMG that was it I explained this and she went off the rails . She wants to be put on end of and blames me for not putting her on! even though she will admit she is the reason for not going on......

I have to talk to you guys on here as basically I don't have a lot of friends which I can talk to for advice lol.

Awww man I feel for you

But you cant stay together for the sake of the house/kids/family etc. Money can be sorted out - through solicitors or even through her brother and sister in law as intermediaries - but her attitude the the relationship will only change if she wants it to. But for her to change then she needs to realise that there is a problem and that she is a major part of the problem...

It sounds to me like you might as well be talking to a brick wall! Every relationship is different, and that's a good thing but the relationship also has to work for both people and your relationship is not working for you so its at a dead end

There *might* be a little bit of hope for you both, but you need to have a substantial break 3-6 months and then see how things are from there. The fact is that if you have a 3 month break with little or no contact then you will both be in a better place at the end of it and will likely not get back together anyway but could be friends (but don't mention this to her)

Have you raised the issue regarding how she makes everything your fault? TBH if my partner was doing what she is to you I would have said by now. Something along the lines of the following:

Her "So what I am just supposed to accept that for an entire day I get 2 kisses only!!!"

Me " But you know why that was it was due to you being a nightmare and just blaming me for something so insane "

Her "Yes I know it was my fault but its still wrong, no couple does that"

You: "But why should I effectively 'reward you' for causing an argument regarding something so dumb? And don't say its all my fault that you got the wrong end of the stick cause it was YOU not me who went weird over a god damn sausage roll"

Or something similar

This has to stop. This can not go on. And yes it will be hard, and yes you will have weak moments when you might think that you have done the wrong thing but ultimately you need to get out now for the good of both of you

If you want to chat any more, message me in trust It might help to have a woman's point of view

 

[Matutu]

Thanks ever so much Trixi, I might take you up on that chat!

The idea of a break is just such a downer as I have worked my ass off to give her EVERYTHING she has ever said to me she wanted, all this has left is her having this and now demanding more.

There is nothing left lol.

I hate failing at anything and the thought of putting everything on hold for 3months is awful :S.

Really dunno how to move, on its just a constant "I will fix this" "I can do this" a few lovely texts from her promising not to. Then 3 days later a repeat and this has gone this way now for months!

I think her expectations of "Closeness" are just insanity or OTT, this never used to be a problem as always at the start of the relationship you are abit like that "Honeymoon etc", but she wants that constant everyday!

Everyday in her mind should be showering with kisses, never apart, compliments constantly, loving holding each other etc etc. Well I said earlier to her the thought of waking up kissing someone good morning, then going through the day doing stuff and kissing goodnight in the evening is INSANITY! and no relationship is like that!

 

[sports_brah]

Matutu, don't underestimate the fact that you do not have many friends. This will definitely create an over reliance on her.