The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[Vidar]

I need a hug! Back in the hospital due to chemo side effects. Hopefully just overnight for obs.

Note, I need my headphones more than a hug

I'm sorry pal, that sounds very rough. I hated being stuck in hospital and trying to keep yourself entertained!

 

[ShadowMan]

Well onwards we go. She finally filed for divorce. Clarity obtained. Emailed the solicitor tonight to get him lined up. Some very specific short term stuff to do and then a waiting game.

Limbo has gone. Still upset I’m in this place but at least I know what is happening now. Likely going to sell the house too as I just don’t think I want it anymore. Will see how I feel in 6 months.

 

[[FnG]magnolia]

Well onwards we go. She finally filed for divorce. Clarity obtained. Emailed the solicitor tonight to get him lined up. Some very specific short term stuff to do and then a waiting game.

Limbo has gone.

One foot in front of the other champ. Limbo has gone.

Still upset I’m in this place but at least I know what is happening now. Likely going to sell the house too as I just don’t think I want it anymore. Will see how I feel in 6 months.

Some time to think about very major life choices seems wise.

As always, chin up.

 

[413x]

Well onwards we go. She finally filed for divorce. Clarity obtained. Emailed the solicitor tonight to get him lined up. Some very specific short term stuff to do and then a waiting game.

Limbo has gone. Still upset I’m in this place but at least I know what is happening now. Likely going to sell the house too as I just don’t think I want it anymore. Will see how I feel in 6 months.

Don't blame you. I can't see how anyone who is the dumpee can keep the old house with all the memories if it wasn't mutual.

 

[ShadowMan]

Divorce email arrived today. Little bit early but at least I have it now. Tick box reason. Hoping to get through the short term stuff and be on my own very soon. Feeling surprisingly upbeat about the future. Counselling is done for now and has helped loads. Just need to get on with it now and hope she doesn't bankrupt me in the interim.

 

[GR63]

@firstborn your username reminded me of the Charles Dance TV show in the 80s... Giving away my age now. Hope you're not really some human/gorilla hybrid for real but sending hugs from a safe distance if you are.

 

[[FnG]magnolia]

Divorce email arrived today. Little bit early but at least I have it now. Tick box reason. Hoping to get through the short term stuff and be on my own very soon. Feeling surprisingly upbeat about the future. Counselling is done for now and has helped loads. Just need to get on with it now and hope she doesn't bankrupt me in the interim.

You don't need one but have a hug anyway, just in case.

Chin up.

 

[ShadowMan]

Appreciate it. Countdown for divorce is on and I am actually feeling good about both it and the future.

She isn’t who I remember and I have become comfortable with that.

 

[ShadowMan]

Update

She is moving out next week and renting a house. Finally getting my space back and not having to share the house.

On a practical sense it means finances are tight until I can buy her out and get off tracker mortgage but can manage. She is contributing a bit to help with the interest whilst this plays out but her original thought was to let it be repossessed as needed as she couldn’t afford both. She has no idea of the consequences or impact of her choices.

Her overall selfishness and narcissism has come to the fore with some really cruel acts designed to hurt me as much as possible emotionally based on assumptions she had these were all false. She assumes the worst of me and then treats me like crap. I’m done taking it.

I’m glad it’s moving forward. Had a couple of clarity moments where I finally realised I deserve so much better and she isn’t who she used to be. If I met her now I wouldn’t have stayed long.

Registered for some apps to meet people and just see what is out there. Not ready for a full blown next step but want to build some confidence. Not a lot of activity yet but it’s new and tbh I need better pics and to do the profile properly.

 

[Vidar]

Update

She is moving out next week and renting a house. Finally getting my space back and not having to share the house.

On a practical sense it means finances are tight until I can buy her out and get off tracker mortgage but can manage. She is contributing a bit to help with the interest whilst this plays out but her original thought was to let it be repossessed as needed as she couldn’t afford both. She has no idea of the consequences or impact of her choices.

Her overall selfishness and narcissism has come to the fore with some really cruel acts designed to hurt me as much as possible emotionally based on assumptions she had these were all false. She assumes the worst of me and then treats me like crap. I’m done taking it.

I’m glad it’s moving forward. Had a couple of clarity moments where I finally realised I deserve so much better and she isn’t who she used to be. If I met her now I wouldn’t have stayed long.

Registered for some apps to meet people and just see what is out there. Not ready for a full blown next step but want to build some confidence. Not a lot of activity yet but it’s new and tbh I need better pics and to do the profile properly.

I'm glad things are moving forward for you pal, and you're doing alright all things considered. I will say though that she really hasn't changed at all. This is who she really was all along, she just either hid it or you chose to ignore the red flags. We all do that at some point.

As for the dating apps, it's been about 8 years since I had to use them but if I remember correctly they're a piece of **** to do right. Keep your bio light and try to Foster questions (most won't read it anyway) and get yourself 3 or 4 good pictures, no selfies. One doing an activity, one with friends, and a decent pic of just you or two.

Even if you look like an absolute giga Chad it will be rare you get messaged first. For us blokes, it's a numbers game. Try to tailor your messages to something on their profile and not just hi, how are you? And remember to send messages to multiple different profiles each day.

 

[ivrytwr3]

I'm glad things are moving forward for you pal, and you're doing alright all things considered. I will say though that she really hasn't changed at all. This is who she really was all along, she just either hid it or you chose to ignore the red flags. We all do that at some point.

As for the dating apps, it's been about 8 years since I had to use them but if I remember correctly they're a piece of **** to do right. Keep your bio light and try to Foster questions (most won't read it anyway) and get yourself 3 or 4 good pictures, no selfies. One doing an activity, one with friends, and a decent pic of just you or two.

Even if you look like an absolute giga Chad it will be rare you get messaged first. For us blokes, it's a numbers game. Try to tailor your messages to something on their profile and not just hi, how are you? And remember to send messages to multiple different profiles each day.

Sounds like a lot of hard work. What happened to going to the local disco and getting sticky fingers on the way to pick up a kebab?

 

[ivrytwr3]

Update

She is moving out next week and renting a house. Finally getting my space back and not having to share the house.

On a practical sense it means finances are tight until I can buy her out and get off tracker mortgage but can manage. She is contributing a bit to help with the interest whilst this plays out but her original thought was to let it be repossessed as needed as she couldn’t afford both. She has no idea of the consequences or impact of her choices.

Her overall selfishness and narcissism has come to the fore with some really cruel acts designed to hurt me as much as possible emotionally based on assumptions she had these were all false. She assumes the worst of me and then treats me like crap. I’m done taking it.

I’m glad it’s moving forward. Had a couple of clarity moments where I finally realised I deserve so much better and she isn’t who she used to be. If I met her now I wouldn’t have stayed long.

Registered for some apps to meet people and just see what is out there. Not ready for a full blown next step but want to build some confidence. Not a lot of activity yet but it’s new and tbh I need better pics and to do the profile properly.

Let the house get repossessed?! There's short term thinking - i take it you sorted all the bills, insurances, cars etc? Same in my house, my Mrs wouldn't have a clue about that type of stuff if we split.

Just keep yourself emotionally detahced from her (easier said than done), no doubt you can see mistakes she is making with her life choices, but not your problem anymore. Priority is you and the kids.

Rough times ahead no doubt, but once the dust settles, it sounds like you will be better off.

 

[Vidar]

Sounds like a lot of hard work. What happened to going to the local disco and getting sticky fingers on the way to pick up a kebab?

That's just the world of modern online dating unfortunately where even a stand in for miss piggy's used tampon thinks she can get herself a 6 figure earning hunky celebrity look alike. It's sadly how most people choose to date now.

 

[ShadowMan]

Yes short term thinking on her part. She says it because she hates being pushed into a corner so pushed back. She was quite happy to just lose everything to be spiteful as life was getting tough.

In the house for the duration of our relationship I did all the admin. I even sorted the house purchases and all she had to do was sign form. We had a single bank account and she only had to spend on it. I sorted all bills, insurance, renewals etc. One of her reasons for leaving is to gain independence and sort stuff like that...

I have now moved everything for the house to my account and she will pay me directly for interest on the mortgage. I have taken her off all split bills like car insurance and made her sort her own. I have also applied for my single persons council tax discount and reduced gas/elec/water to account for less people. From a practical point I have everything done I need to keep the house. I just need to agree the house valuation in the future and sort out a mortgage closer to the time of divorce completing.

The emotional distance is getting easier. I am having more good days than bad now which is great. Almost looking forward to being on my own at times and seeing what is next for me.

 

[randomshenans]

Yes short term thinking on her part. She says it because she hates being pushed into a corner so pushed back. She was quite happy to just lose everything to be spiteful as life was getting tough.

It's a defense mechanism without any knowledge of how to get out of it. It's the fight or flight but just wanting to run away from the problem.

The emotional distance is getting easier. I am having more good days than bad now which is great. Almost looking forward to being on my own at times and seeing what is next for me.

Take the time, feel the pain, it's needed. The grieving of a loss is exactly that. You mourn the past, but know that it had both ups and downs. You'd never change the journey or you'd not have had the memories. You're still here, with your life to live and so many more memories to make. You are good enough. You are enough and you learn to love yourself more each day with practice.

(may have been speaking for myself and exactly what I went through!)

 

[ShadowMan]

Well the toughest week is over. She moved out and has gone. Came home this week to an empty house.

Whilst I appreciate the end and the anxiety is down, I now just have a huge sense of loss. The finality of this moment and not having my kids in the house is so painful. Woke up for the first time in my own home on my own. The kids will be 50/50 so they will be here but it’s not the same.

I know it will get better. I know I will be ok. But for now I am trying to feel the pain to process it. This is my new life and I need to get used to it. In a few months I can begin the legal bits and try and buy her out so it will really be mine then. That is a fight for another day.

 

[Vidar]

Well the toughest week is over. She moved out and has gone. Came home this week to an empty house.

Whilst I appreciate the end and the anxiety is down, I now just have a huge sense of loss. The finality of this moment and not having my kids in the house is so painful. Woke up for the first time in my own home on my own. The kids will be 50/50 so they will be here but it’s not the same.

I know it will get better. I know I will be ok. But for now I am trying to feel the pain to process it. This is my new life and I need to get used to it. In a few months I can begin the legal bits and try and buy her out so it will really be mine then. That is a fight for another day.

As God awful as you no doubt feel right now, I promise your new reality will become the new normal and one day you'll realise you actually really enjoy the peace and quiet. If you like animals I would suggest getting maybe a house cat or something. It will help the place feel a bit more lived in.

 

[ShadowMan]

Thanks. I’m sure I will feel better. It’s a journey and I’m doing ok.

Already got the animals. She took the new puppy but left the 2 cats and our aged dog who just needs to be without change til the end. Snoring next to me now actually.