The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[sihartley25]

Nah.
no domestic didn't have to star out anything or go into messy details!
Compared to a domestic in my last relationship no knives where driven into tables by my ex so we all good.
Hope you bag yourself a new hot 23 year old!
My advise, bad as it is: if your co-workers tell you to stay away she is crazy.
No matter how fit she is! they may actually have a point.
Good luck with your search for a new girl

 

[[FnG]magnolia]

Grah....

Was seeing a girl within my social cirlce for a few months having 'a bit of fun' both agreed to just enjoy it, I've had a massive crush on her (yes, like schoolboy) since we met and thought I'd finally had a bit of luck and something might come out of it, both kept agreeing it was just some fun etc, she doesn't want a relationship, now I've been put on medication for stress, anxiety and depression (not helped by our backing and forthing but mostly unrelated) so while I'm trying to sort my head out and stop bottling things up, I told her how I really feel about her. Things end.

Roughly a month's silence and we talk again, turns out she's seeing some new guy and pretty much in a relationship, gone from not wanting one, to being in one.

Doesn't help my head in any way, shape or form....

Not entirely looking for advice as I should have seen it coming from the start, and have already had the platitudes from friends who knew about us or i've spoken to in general, and am sick of the "you're such a great guy" speech, and while she's not worth doing anything stupid over, she's posted pics of her and this new guy on FB, I can't block/remove her without seeming petty and involving the people who didn't know about us, while all I want to do is cave this chaps skull in with the heel of my boot and it bothers me that he's 30 and she's only 23, I know there are worse age gaps and when I'm 30 if I can bag a hot 23 year old I'll be pretty pleased with myself.

Just god damn sucks and needed to vent, no-one else around for me at the moment, either all asleep, paired off or just not around, so thanks GD for being my venting wall.

TL;DR - Girl and I had some fun, I wanted relationship, she didn't, she now has relationship with guy I hate having never met and have no reason to other than he got everything I ever wanted in a partner

Managing Your Life During the Five Stages of Loss
Here is where maybe 100% of you are right now. Getting your life together when your emotions wreak havoc on your rational side can be nightmarish. Reduce your time stuck in circular logic, cut that useless, wishful thinking and curb destructive behavior with these remaining simple rules!

Rule 1: The Relationship Is Over
Rule 2: Sever Contact With Your Ex
Rule 3: Go Do Something Normal With Yourself and Friends
Rule 4: Be Healthy
Rule 5: Don’t Be an asshat

Taken, as always, from The Breakup Megathread over at Something Awful. Go do some reading champ

 

[sihartley25]

Thank you again [FnG]magnolia

I have never heard of the The Breakup Megathread over at Something Awful.

I will look it up

THANKYOU

 

[kokuten]

anyone got advice for generally just being sad? had to endure my daughter talking about mummies new friend who has been staying and how great he is etc and since then ive just been overcome with gloom, i know the advice will be "get over it" "pull yourself together" but when you hear your daughter go on about it and you have to feign interest

obviously it is something i know was going to happen but never prepared for when it does, it is no doubt tied in to my own situation of being on my own still but who knows :S

 

[malachi]

Not entirely looking for advice as I should have seen it coming from the start, and have already had the platitudes from friends who knew about us or i've spoken to in general, and am sick of the "you're such a great guy" speech, and while she's not worth doing anything stupid over, she's posted pics of her and this new guy on FB, I can't block/remove her without seeming petty and involving the people who didn't know about us, while all I want to do is cave this chaps skull in with the heel of my boot and it bothers me that he's 30 and she's only 23, I know there are worse age gaps and when I'm 30 if I can bag a hot 23 year old I'll be pretty pleased with myself.

I really hate it when people say pointless things like that,

You're such a great guy
Don't worry, you will find someone
There is someone out there for you
It will happen when you are not looking...etc

Funny it always comes from the same people who already are in a relationship, never been single or don't have problems finding someone. As they don't have a clear understanding of what its like, you feel crap about yourself and they throw such obvious/pointless comments at you which you have heard so many times before to try and make you feel better....but they don't.

 

[mac1st3]

Managing Your Life During the Five Stages of Loss
Here is where maybe 100% of you are right now. Getting your life together when your emotions wreak havoc on your rational side can be nightmarish. Reduce your time stuck in circular logic, cut that useless, wishful thinking and curb destructive behavior with these remaining simple rules!

Rule 1: The Relationship Is Over
Rule 2: Sever Contact With Your Ex
Rule 3: Go Do Something Normal With Yourself and Friends
Rule 4: Be Healthy
Rule 5: Don’t Be an asshat

Taken, as always, from The Breakup Megathread over at Something Awful. Go do some reading champ

Normally I'd be fine, I knew it was just some fun and have had similar issues in the past, but at the moment with my altered mental state, it's doing a major number on me, but I'll give it a check.

I really hate it when people say pointless things like that,

You're such a great guy
Don't worry, you will find someone
There is someone out there for you
It will happen when you are not looking...etc

Funny it always comes from the same people who already are in a relationship, never been single or don't have problems finding someone. As they don't have a clear understanding of what its like, you feel crap about yourself and they throw such obvious/pointless comments at you which you have heard so many times before to try and make you feel better....but they don't.

Yea, even worse when it's female friends, or a guy saying "if I were a woman I'd have you", all just feels incredibly meaningless. Best friend has been in a relationship for the last 6/7 years, at least he had the decency to say "Sorry dude, no idea what to say that's not cliché as I've been out of the dating scene for way too long" probably the only words that have made any difference lol

 

[TrojanWhore]

Yea, even worse when it's female friends, or a guy saying "if I were a woman I'd have you", all just feels incredibly meaningless.

yeah, that or "if you weren't such a good friend I'd jump you", which is almost never true, as there was in most cases a time when they didn't know you that well, and could have done (except when you/them were seeing a friend of yours/theirs at the time). in some cases these have been girls who would often end up kissing me when drunk, but the next day I'm back in the friendzone :-/

 

[malachi]

yeah, that or "if you weren't such a good friend I'd jump you", which is almost never true, as there was in most cases a time when they didn't know you that well, and could have done (except when you/them were seeing a friend of yours/theirs at the time). in some cases these have been girls who would often end up kissing me when drunk, but the next day I'm back in the friendzone :-/

Never kiss a female friend when they are drunk. Always leads to problems and you never move from that friend zone. That's why I never do it.

 

[Diesel]

Never kiss a female friend when they are drunk. Always leads to problems.

This isn't true.

 

[TrojanWhore]

Never kiss a female friend when they are drunk. Always leads to problems

This isn't true.

I agree Diesel, although it depends what you would identify as being a problem I suppose. Certainly never caused any issues with the friendship for me, but I wasn't really after anything more, so being in the friendzone wasn't a problem.

....sleeping with Ex's...now that can cause problems

 

[mac1st3]

yeah, that or "if you weren't such a good friend I'd jump you", which is almost never true, as there was in most cases a time when they didn't know you that well, and could have done (except when you/them were seeing a friend of yours/theirs at the time). in some cases these have been girls who would often end up kissing me when drunk, but the next day I'm back in the friendzone :-/

Never kiss a female friend when they are drunk. Always leads to problems and you never move from that friend zone. That's why I never do it.

This is part of it, she made that argument at the beginning of "ruining our friendship", didn't help when she followed it up by telling me she had a massive crush on me, really wanted to do something about it and had heard about my "exploits" from previous partners.

I don't regret going through it all, I just regret it had to end in this way, definitely glad I didn't get stuck in the Friend zone.

 

[Captain]

anyone got advice for generally just being sad? had to endure my daughter talking about mummies new friend who has been staying and how great he is etc and since then ive just been overcome with gloom, i know the advice will be "get over it" "pull yourself together" but when you hear your daughter go on about it and you have to feign interest

obviously it is something i know was going to happen but never prepared for when it does, it is no doubt tied in to my own situation of being on my own still but who knows :S

That can always be a tough position to be in, my best friend had more than 5 step fathers before the age of 16, it changed him as a person, became hostile towards his mother and real father as he was just so confused.

I know it's hard to accept, and something you never really want to happen, but it's one of those things in life which is unavoidable. The best thing you can do is just be there for your daughter as much as possible.

You never know, it might not be serious and you could be worrying over nothing, just take it easy and try put your mind as ease.

 

[TrojanWhore]

she made that argument at the beginning of "ruining our friendship", didn't help when she followed it up by telling me she had a massive crush on me, really wanted to do something about it and had heard about my "exploits" from previous partners.

now that really isn't fair, by 'exploits' do you mean she's heard you're a bit of a man-whore?


edit: just read back through the last page, I'm in a similar boat at the moment: GF cut me loose in Jan, citing not wanting to be in a relationship (after ~18 months...ok!), she'd been very down for a while, never wanted to come out anywhere with me, said she felt too run down etc. fine, I can respect that, but about 2-3 weeks later she's now seeing someone who I consider(ed) a friend, and suddenly she's fine, going out, and they've been and done a lot of things me and her had talked about doing together, which obviously got me pretty bent out of shape.

right or wrong, the only way I can deal with it at the moment is to get my 'alpha' mindset on: her loss, I don't need that ****, and can AND will do better, soon
no real attention from anyone so far, but no point getting down about something I can't change, raging at her/him won't put me in a better place.

I think in your situation maybe some separation between lust and emotional feelings may be involved, either way, just concentrate on your own happiness, and don't define that by her feelings toward you.

I'm quite a maths/science nerd, and it occured to me recently, that even if she's one in a million, there are still over 3 million women on earth who would be just as suitable a match gotta love statistics

have an e-hug

 

[mac1st3]

now that really isn't fair, by 'exploits' do you mean she's heard you're a bit of a man-whore?


edit: just read back through the last page, I'm in a similar boat at the moment: GF cut me loose in Jan, citing not wanting to be in a relationship (after ~18 months...ok!), she'd been very down for a while, never wanted to come out anywhere with me, said she felt too run down etc. fine, I can respect that, but about 2-3 weeks later she's now seeing someone who I consider(ed) a friend, and suddenly she's fine, going out, and they've been and done a lot of things me and her had talked about doing together, which obviously got me pretty bent out of shape.

right or wrong, the only way I can deal with it at the moment is to get my 'alpha' mindset on: her loss, I don't need that ****, and can AND will do better, soon
no real attention from anyone so far, but no point getting down about something I can't change, raging at her/him won't put me in a better place.

I think in your situation maybe some separation between lust and emotional feelings maybe involved, either way, just concentrate on your own happiness, and don't define that by her feelings toward you.

I'm quite a maths/science nerd, and it occured to me recently, that even if she's one in a million, there are still over 3 million women on earth who would be just as suitable a match gotta love statistics

have an e-hug

Haha thanks, and while some probably would consider my history to be a bit whorish, that was partially a good thing in this instance as it was kind of assumed I wouldn't be getting too attached to her either given I hadn't gotten attached in the past, sadly she was a different case and I ended up getting more than attached. but by "exploits" I meant someone else I'd been seeing a few years back casually (again not helping the man-whore rep) who I met through friends of the group, ended up telling the other girls in the group what I was like in bed, so this most recent one had heard the stories and was very intrigued

 

[eddyc]

Thank you again [FnG]magnolia

I have never heard of the The Breakup Megathread over at Something Awful.

I will look it up

THANKYOU

For some reason I've not been able to get onto the Breakup Megathread for the last few days. It looks like Something Awful want you to pay $10 to register...

If you want to access the thread without using their bandwidth and costing them money you can go the roundabout route via the Internet Archive.

I can't link directly to the thread because of swearing but if you find the link to the thread and then paste it into The WayBackMachine you can read the OP (the most important bit).

 

[TrojanWhore]

by "exploits" I meant someone else I'd been seeing a few years back casually (again not helping the man-whore rep) who I met through friends of the group, ended up telling the other girls in the group what I was like in bed, so this most recent one had heard the stories and was very intrigued

if only I had that 'problem'!
mate referrals have helped me once or twice over the years, but I'm terrible in that I always end up more attached than I intended, the only girl I've hooked up with at all 'casually', is actually the one I think would be perfect for me, but she lives 6+ hours drive away

 

[AndyCroft1982]

anyone got advice for generally just being sad? had to endure my daughter talking about mummies new friend who has been staying and how great he is etc and since then ive just been overcome with gloom, i know the advice will be "get over it" "pull yourself together" but when you hear your daughter go on about it and you have to feign interest

obviously it is something i know was going to happen but never prepared for when it does, it is no doubt tied in to my own situation of being on my own still but who knows :S

I started an eve online account and never looked back, now i live with a new gf and now play arma 3. It does get better with time, though at the moment you think it wont and why does everyone tell me that, been there myself and took a few years to truely get over it but it will. You just need to find a hobbie, mine happend to be MMo's lol (i did go out with my old friends a lot more as well who accepted me back with open arms)

 

[mac1st3]

Strangely, the people I've actually dated from meeting in person or through friends have usually been the better relationships over people I've met online (some minor exceptions) but generally I do better with friends referring me to their friends more often.
The one I had been seeing ages ago, could have had potential, but I ended it cause the "what if" ex came back into my life, so I had to take the chance, always regretted how things tapered off with the other, but have been talking more again recently, but again, lives in Wales and I think is a little cautious over the last time etc.

 

[Droolinggimp]

So.. I am feeling a little bored right now. I have been up since 4 am and cleaned the house, done the washing and ironing. Now just waiting to get some motivation to hop into the shower and then take the dog out. This afternoon will be a few drinks with some people from work as one is leaving to work elsewhere, still with same company though

However, I will be attending with a young lady that not many people from work know about. This afternoon could get interesting indeed.

Not really one to post about relationships or that sort of thing although I have in the past but that was more a jokey type thread, anyway.... I thought I would see what you guys and gals make of this. I am not after help or anything but having to keep this quiet at work is doing our heads in so just venting really.

So. About a year ago I started seeing the Admin manager from work. She got a job travelling the country training people for the company we work for. She did Monday to Friday and stayed in hotels all week and back home at weekend. She lived with her ex husband as they where selling the house they owned and they are friends still. She used to stop over at mine weekends if she was away all week, if she was local she would stay at her home on weekdays.

After a month or two we decided she could use my house as a base as it seemed pointless her renting anywhere as she would not be staying there much, she moved a few bit and bobs to mine and so we basically lived together. It all went well and had a good time. The relationship was going well.

I did mention to her I have female friends as she knew anyway from working with me but for some reason had a bit of a problem with one person in particular.

Oh I forgot to mention, I had a lodger at mine from January last year, he moved out 3 weeks ago. He works at our place too. He kept himself to himself and is (read: WAS) a nice lad. 21 years old.

Anyway, she was ok with staying at mine during her 12 month training position even if I had a lodger, she knows him and got on with him at work anyway.

This person she had an issue with:

I smoke and so does my missus at the time (Admin manager) also the other person in question. We all got on and chatted in the smoking area at work. I started to chat to this person more as she had a tough life and had issues which I could help by being a ear to lend. We got chatting on Facebook, I never deleted chats and was always logged in and my missus could see them. She is ok at this time. Fast forward to Christmas. At work we always go to the pub on xmas eve, normally 20 of us pile in around 5:30 pm and have some good times as you do. that day I asked this girl why not join us at the pub. She didn't want to as she never gets asked out on work night out etc. She took my number so she could let me know if she would attend the drinks.

So we was all at the pub having drinks and I get a message from her. She said she wont come. I sent one back and a few more from her, nothing in it and 100% safe I even showed my missus as she asked who I was texting. I had no problem with that.

Early new year myself and the girl at work carried on chatting at work, facebook and phone, nothing in it at all and I can honestly say that with my hand on my heart. I was happy with my missus.

One night she was being a bit off. So I asked her whats up. She replied asking me is there anything going on between me and this girl at work. I said no. Because there actually wasn't at all. I told her I would stop chatting to her if it upset my missus, she said no. Keep doing what you are as I need to learn to trust you. All was well. I did however cut out chatting to this girl but still chatted at work as it's rude to ignore someone for no reason.

things were going fine at home. My missus out most weeks away my house mate doing his stuff and me just being me. One night I got a message from the girl at work. She was upset about something. After a good hour or two I managed to get it out of her. There is a this lad at work who likes her but he isn't right for her. I chatted about it with her and she got round to the fact she will have to tell him the bad news. This lad is a nice genuine lad too. Best not lead him on I said.

I asked her where she is and thought about treating her a to a drink to calm her down a bit before meeting this lad to tell him. She was at her mums, (she lives with a few house mates from work but stops at her mums a few nights a week if she is on early start at work in the morning). I asked here where her mums lives. She said X street. Oh.. thats round the corner from me . I invited her round for a drink. My house mate was in watching TV with me at the time. 10 mins later she pops round. We all sat round chatting and whatever. My house mate went to bed around 11pm and she remained with me downstairs. We chatted till 4am. I had work at 6am I didn't mind as we chatted about everything and anything. It took her mind off all the bad things she has going around her head. I walked her home and came back and went to work. I was a little tired at work that day.

From then on we carried on chatting and she occasionally popped round for coffee and a chat. Nothing in it what so ever. These chats lasted to early hours. I'm talking 5am type hours. I didn't mind one bit as we enjoyed it all.

UNTIL......... One morning we stopped up all night downstairs and the door was shut as we didn't want to disturb my house mate asleep. We heard his alarm go off as he was in early at work. We was very quiet and didn't say anything while he got ready. We may have whispered something to each other that's it. He went out the house and off to work. At that point I walked her home and I went to bed.

Fast forward a few weeks. I have a few issues with money and my living situation. I will not go into it but it needs sorting. I cant' sort it if I have distractions and other things to think about. Call me harsh or selfish but I had to end it with my missus.. We are fine. Happy and nothing to worry about but I need to be living on my own to sort it all out as I could move out very quickly and needed to be on my own whilst I was sorting it all out by myself. Its the way I am right now.

My missus was very upset as you can imagine. I explained it to her the best I could but she didn't understand how I can be happy on day and end it the next. I told her. I have to look after number one. Me. She moved her bits back to her house as the sale didn't go through a month before.

I kept in touch with her. And also the girl from work. A few days after ending it with her my house mate said he's moving out. Fair enough, I knew he got a place with his missus, His move in date was a Friday. On the Wednesday before I was on day off and so was this girl from work. She wanted to meet up to chat and take her dog out to the park. So we met up. Nothing in it. Nothing in my mind about her apart from helping her with her problems etc.

Then at 10am I get a call from my missus. She sent a barrage of abuse at me saying I was cheating on her with this girl from work, how long it was going on for and she has proof that we was heard having sex a few weeks ago.. Im like WTF... I asked her who told her etc.. after a few more calls and abuse she told me........ My house mate told his boss and he went to tell my ex's best mate (who all work at same place) her mate called her and told her..

Now this girl I am chatting with is really upset about all this as she can hear the phone calls I am having. I am peeved off big time and apparently my ex house mate is going to tell all to my ex once he moves out in 2 days. We (me and girl) are trying to think what the hell has he got ??? what can he say, nothing went on nothing at all.

I questioned my ex house mate about this and he point blank denied saying anything to anyone. His boss told me he told him.. how can he deny it all. ??

So after a few days backing and forth over this matter me and this girl decided to play on this rumour. Some people at work knew about this rumour the rest didn't and also not many knew about me splitting up with my ex. So things could get very messy. We had a plan. TO TELL THE TRUTH.. how hard is it.. VERY.. No one believes us.. Sod 'em I said. Let them talk about us if their empty lives need gossip to fill them up.

Anyway... Last week me and this girl decided we was actually getting closer together through all of this and lo and behold we ended up together. This may not have happened if the rumour didnt go around. That rumour got us together, she has never been happier and I have been enjoying myself again this last week. things are good and today is our first public appearance with work colleagues. Tongues will wag but we don't care.

really looking forward to it.

Cast:

Me 38 yo
Ex 45 yo
Girl 20 yo
Ex house mate ****

So what do you guys make of this. fate? Luck? I am very close to sorting out my life now and having this girl helping me even though I didn't want help has made things really good right now. Now, I wonder what the future holds. I want to say more about this whole thing but I feel I can't because some things are meant to be kept to oneself.

Discalimer:: No one cheated on anyone during all this. It didn't even cross my mind at all.

 

[The__Malteser]

Just like out of a film lol.

Guy dates girl 1 from work.
Guy leaves girl 1.
Guy dates girl 2 from work.
Guy leaves girl 2.
House mate tells girl 1 that he is cheating on girl 2 with girl 3, and girl 2 gets to know.
So guy just goes with girl 3.

I don't know dude. Its complicated. I think you are being too friendly with colleges. Also, you dodged your now ex to sort out your life, but a few weeks later, you find another girl? Seems like you didn't leave your now ex for the real thing.

Whatever you do, good luck.