The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

TheBigCheese - yes, that's the correct Something Awful link. The thread should be viewable without paying for registration but the original thread (which that one follows on from) will require archives which is a 10 bucks charge.

Matutu - it probably doesn't feel like it but that is good news.
 
I realised today that the younger generation have the best relationship structure ever.

I now know that if you don't burn any bridges when relationships break down then you get to have sex with your ex while she is 'between' relationships. It has it drawbacks - like having to counsel the poor guy each time he gets dumped but all I have to do is remind him that she is a 'skank' and that it's him who is getting the better deal.... if he could just realise that she is in fact a 'skank' and he will be on his way to nirvana....
 
Matutu said:
Guys just so you know, should have listened a lot sooner, but between me and my other half it is finally finished :(. Thanks for all the advice
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From what I can remember reading of your posts mate.... this is the best thing for you, its going to hurt like hell for a good long while but believe me as someone coming through the other side of an awful break up now 15 months ago there is light at the end of the tunnel in that regard!
 
Actually guys, I could use a hug... when dropping my kids off today I noticed the ex looks like a damned crack whore more and more as time goes on....

I truly did the right thing :)
 
Having split up with my long term girlfriend back in January and the added complication of having a 2 year old son and a house together, I finally - in a moment of desperation and lonliness - I signed up for an online dating site.

Much to my surprise I was contacted by someone. After a lot of chatting via the website, she gave me her number and after a lot of texting we moved to whatsapp and have been chatting on there since.

After about 3 weeks or so of chatting we finally met up last Friday and had a really good evening, quiet drinks, playing pool, late night pizza, lots of chatting and laughing etc.

Anyway, since then we've continued to chat everyday and seem to be getting along well. We've spoken about meeting up again when we can (it's a bit tricky because she has kids and her ex has them 2 days a week but as he works shifts, it varies as to when he is having them so she can't be sure to far in advance when she'll be free).

I really like her and think we get on well but I just can't get my brain to stop being so damn paranoid and negative. Part of me has competely written it off because why would she be interested in me..and I just can't shake that feeling and that in turn fills me with despair and lonliness.

Don't really know what I'm hoping to achieve by posting in here, guess just wondering if other people experience this?
 
valve90210 said:
Having split up with my long term girlfriend back in January

I just can't get my brain to stop being so damn paranoid and negative. Part of me has competely written it off because why would she be interested in me..and I just can't shake that feeling and that in turn fills me with despair and lonliness.

Don't really know what I'm hoping to achieve by posting in here, guess just wondering if other people experience this?
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Given your first sentence, I'd say what you are feeling is perfectly normal.
Your confidence has taken a knock and you are bound to feel a bit sensitive about it.

However, you might want to stomp on these thoughts when you have them. They won't do you any good in the long run, so you need to start controlling them now, as they will undermine your sense of self - confidence, identity, direction etc.
If they are dominant enough, others will start to see them in your behavior and attitude too, which is the last thing you want when you're starting to do other things.

Concentrate on 'now'. Forget about the past, you cannot change it, nor should you allow it to change you in ways you dislike.

Introspection is all well and good but it has its place, so keep it where it belongs eh?

Chill out fella, relax and just do your thing with this new girl. Hey, it could be something, or it could be nothing.
 
Confidence....what's that, it certainly not something I have!

I wish I could just stomp on these thoughts but they cloud my mind and overtake everything I'm doing.

I'm slowly coming to terms with the past but at present the future seems so bleak it's hard to pick out anything as positive.

Doing my thing generally tends to involve me having a breakdown and ruining any chance of anything anyway!
 
Do you even lift, bro?!

Sorry, I jest :D

Either moving on with someone else is 'too soon' for you, or you just have to step up and get on with it.
Don't waste your time looking back, or wishing over the future. NOW is what matters.

I believe I've said this before in this topic, but in order to escape your past you need to alter your present circumstances - change up your life, see new people (you're doing that already - at least to some extent), get a new hobby/interest, start getting fit - no, really... start doing exercise, wight training etc. Something, anything to get you away from what you were before, something that has you moving forwards so you are not left standing still wondering wft just happened ;)
I cannot stress how important the need to keep moving and not have your life come to a standstill is.

When you step back from this sort of advice, you'll see that amongst being reasonably sound and common sense, it reflects a kind of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), in that you are altering patterns of thinking and learned behavior. The main difference between common sense advice and 'professional help' is that the first relies on your own sense of discipline to enforce your actions.

You need to stop expecting to fail. Because if that's what you expect to happen, than that's exactly what will happen, because you have made it so with your expectation.
Of course this doesn't mean that the most positive outlook in the world will prevent things from going south. But it does mean that your attitude to the events is able to overcome and keep moving, regardless of the perceived emotional strain you experience.

Now that all sounds complicated and stuff. But it really isn't. After all, you don't complete a marathon in one giant leap, it's a whole ****load of little steps with the most important factor being that no matter what, you keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Don't dwell on what you cannot change. I've been there before after braking up a long term thing (nearly 10 years? fyi I was on the receiving end of the breakup). It knocks you about but you have to keep moving and things like confidence and hope and all of that good happy stuff will sneak back in when you're not looking because you're too busy getting **** done to notice.

I'm sure there's plenty of others here who will say the same.
 
Half the trouble is that I can't escape the past or change up my situation really. I still live with my ex as neither of us can afford to do anything about that at the moment and neither has anywhere to go. Luckily we are still best friends so it's not as awful as it could be but it's a constant reminder of what has been lost to us both.

I don't have money to pay for a gym or anything and I would feel guilty taking the time to do anything like that anyway because my ex is at home looking after the little man all day so when I get home from work I don't feel I can not spend that time with him and taking the strain off my ex.

I know what you're saying but I feel my life has already come to a standstill and I don't know how to get it moving again, I thought I would try, hence the online dating but now I'm just feeling like there is no point, I just can't shake the feeling that nothing will be alright. I know it's stupid and in time things will work out but at the moment that feeling is so powerful it's taking over everything I do.
 
Ah, Living in the same house as your ex complicates things.

If you want my honest opinion?
You need to gtfo of there - make that your first priority. Even if you cannot just move out now, you need to start making arrangements for it, start planning.
Staying in the same house together, for all of its practicalities is not doing either of you any favors.

You need to take charge of yourself instead of following the path of least resistance - which I know you are doing.
You need to make it happen fella. Nothing is going to start looking better for you until you start making changes to your situation. Besides stating the bloody obvious, but how are either of you going to move on with new people if you're still living in the same house together and how are other people going to perceive that as something to avoid or become involved with?

Just to be clear, I don't mean abandon all responsibility for your lad or anything daft like that, but you have to do a better job of balancing what is right for you. In the end it will work out better for all of you.

I feel for your situation, but you have to start doing something about it.

What does your ex do socially/domestically, if you don't mind my asking?
 
I'm going to have to add myself to the list guys.

After a year of couples counselling, and with much sadness I have had to end our relationship as well. My own fault mainly for only realising in the last year that I categorically do not want any children, something I had been pretty ambivalent towards in my youngers years as it always seemed to be some far-future concept rather than reality.

I do care for her, but for all the compromises relationships can involve, I don't think having/not having kids isn't one of them. You both have to be on the same page for that to work. :(

We are dealing with it slowly. no need to rush anything as we haven't fallen out, but it's still a very sad time.
 
krooton said:
I'm going to have to add myself to the list guys.

After a year of couples counselling, and with much sadness I have had to end our relationship as well. My own fault mainly for only realising in the last year that I categorically do not want any children, something I had been pretty ambivalent towards in my youngers years as it always seemed to be some far-future concept rather than reality.

I do care for her, but for all the compromises relationships can involve, I don't think having/not having kids isn't one of them. You both have to be on the same page for that to work. :(

We are dealing with it slowly. no need to rush anything as we haven't fallen out, but it's still a very sad time.
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Sorry to hear that mate.

I've been in a similar situation myself in the past & as you say, it's not really something you can meet half way or compromise on. Hopefully you will be able to salvage a good friendship out of it & keep it all as nice & pleasant for the both of you as possible.
 
EddScott said:
<Bad friend not wanting to see you happy>
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I've just read through all this and there was one thing that seemed to shout at me throughout you posting about the behaviour of your "friend" that no-one mentioned. It seems to me that this "friend" is acting out of jealousy more than anything. Perhaps she had her eye on you and was waiting till what she perceived as the right time
 
krooton said:
I'm going to have to add myself to the list guys.

After a year of couples counselling, and with much sadness I have had to end our relationship as well. My own fault mainly for only realising in the last year that I categorically do not want any children, something I had been pretty ambivalent towards in my youngers years as it always seemed to be some far-future concept rather than reality.
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Been there before with my last long-term gf mate. She wouldn't budge and neither would I. I bet you had a load of peer pressure as well which doesn't help. The, "you'll change your mind one day" mob do my head in.

Good luck and chin up dude! Now enjoy gaming and eating pizza in your pants, and not having to answer to anyone for a while! :) :D
 
I'm going to throw my story in to fray anyway.

I met someone 2/3 years ago and things started off great, we became a couple and that lasted for a few months. But I have an issue where I get 'doubts' in the back of my head which just build up and actually make me quite ill. The doubt's always revolve around if I'm with the right person or doing the right thing as I'm quite a socially awkward guy so ending up with someone as perfect to me as I did just made me question it. So rather than talk like an adult we ended the relationship 'officially'.

However the following years we still remained very close (basically a couple) but without the title. We had some up's and down's but everyone does. However the past couple of months things hadn't been so great no arguments or anything just not properly talking. It turns out she had started to see someone else and is effectively over me. I can't blame her because I didn't man up and tell her how I really felt about her (which I had years to do so). But i'm also annoyed because she didn't speak to me (she used to have bad anorexia so struggle a lot with confidence and talking about things)

So the past week and a bit when it came to an 'end' so to speak I've been pretty hollow and not really eating and sleeping. I truly loved her but just couldn't communicate with her in the way we she deserved.

She seems to be in a happy place now but I think a lot of that is due to the fact it's 'new' attention from someone that isn't me. So it has all that excitement and mystery to it which is something I can't provide. I'm just very gutted and in a dark place at the minute. I don't think it helps that with her past mental issues (anorexia) she used to struggle to see me at times due to lack of energy and finding the confidence to leave the house but her new 'person' lives in Harrogate and we are in/near Newcastle so I think that will push her to actually do things where I could be fobbed off due to the convenience.

tl;dr Gutted that I haven't grown up enough to talk about my feelings to the people I love and end up pushing them away. So don't make the same mistake I have which I feel like I will regret for a long time and be brave.
 
Dont have feelings for my ex, but this kinda hits home slightly!
Dem feels.....
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