The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[The__Malteser]

Well I've been single for a few years, I'd been seeing a guy for the last 2 and a half months. I'd forgotten what it's like to spend my weekends alone. My friends are all busy and I have to arrange things with them like a few days or weeks in advance. So this weekend I'm screwed. I had to force myself to go out shopping today otherwise I would probably have spent the whole day in bed just crying.

Watch a movie, TV program, play a few PC games, skype a friend, go out to the pub and meet random people, go for a walk, start a small project (learn some programming, video editing, photoshop etc.), cooking, etc.

Idk, so many things to do.

Much woe in this thread. Though I'd add a very brief and random anecdote from a few weeks ago.

Was in France at my Aunty's surprise 50th, also happened to be my cousins birthday, so he had a female friend fly out. His supposed 'girlfriend', although I knew this not to be the case, as she stated so.

Long story cut short, after much champagne he caught us in bed on the second night and was pretty annoyed. Woops! I then met up with her in London for a few days, and am seeing her for 6 days next week. My cousin has now calmed down and given us his blessing (or sorts).

Basically, relationships can come out of anywhere, just keep your head up and battle through the crap!

Bit harsh on your cousin but if they weren't dating, I guess its ok.

 

[MikeTheNative]

Watch a movie, TV program, play a few PC games, skype a friend, go out to the pub and meet random people, go for a walk, start a small project (learn some programming, video editing, photoshop etc.), cooking, etc.

Idk, so many things to do.


Bit harsh on your cousin but if they weren't dating, I guess its ok.

I agree with you, they weren't going out but he was clearly interested. Kind of a dick move.

 

[Arsonist]

it harsh on your cousin but if they weren't dating, I guess its ok.

I'd actually met the girl once, exactly a year to the day before, as again it was his birthday, however I'd broken up with my long term girlfriend a few days before and was in a weird place. I told him I thought she was good looking, and she told him exactly the same thing about me, which he candidly passed on to us. I think that's fate, exactly one year in the making.

 

[MisChief]

Do you normally develop feelings quite quickly? As that is the thing that gets me the most, build my hopes up and then end up feeling crap when it doesn't work out, it Sucks!

I don't know, I guess so.. But I've always had doubts to begin with, and I guess I can't really lose what I never had, so there's no reason why I should be so upset. I think it's loneliness that gets to me more than anything. Must keep myself busy...

 

[DJMK4]

Well I've been single for a few years, I'd been seeing a guy for the last 2 and a half months. I'd forgotten what it's like to spend my weekends alone. My friends are all busy and I have to arrange things with them like a few days or weeks in advance. So this weekend I'm screwed. I had to force myself to go out shopping today otherwise I would probably have spent the whole day in bed just crying.

As said you will probably feel deflated but that's a given, don't let it corner you inside, go and see friends, spoil yourself (which I know you are very good at ), things will become easier, as people said at least it didn't drag out with the same outcome,

*hugs*

 

[The__Malteser]

I agree with you, they weren't going out but he was clearly interested. Kind of a dick move.

This I think. Could have waited more than 2 days before sleeping with her. And maybe hinted to your cousin that there was something, and not let him catch you in the act/after (you know what I mean )

I'd actually met the girl once, exactly a year to the day before, as again it was his birthday, however I'd broken up with my long term girlfriend a few days before and was in a weird place. I told him I thought she was good looking, and she told him exactly the same thing about me, which he candidly passed on to us. I think that's fate, exactly one year in the making.

Fair does. I agree that he shouldn't have blocked the way between you (can't really explain it) but maybe a bit more subtle would have been better.

 

[Captain]

I don't know, I guess so.. But I've always had doubts to begin with, and I guess I can't really lose what I never had, so there's no reason why I should be so upset. I think it's loneliness that gets to me more than anything. Must keep myself busy...

That's completely normal though, I bet you felt the same last time and said to yourself I won't find anyone etc, like we all do, but look, you did find someone else so you will again!

I understand about the lonely side of it, when you're seeing someone you're never lonely, you always have them to fall back on if you find you have nothing to do, you just have to replace that time with friends, family and stuff you like doing

 

[Shotgun_ned]

Never thought I'd actually venture into here..

I came out of a 4 year relationship last November and whilst yes, I have enjoyed being single, I'm definitely the sort of person that does better when I'm with someone. I'm at the point now where I'm ready to move on, and whilst there have been a couple of possibilities they've petered out into nothing. I definitely fall into the "develop feelings too quickly" camp, so my confidence has been knocked already early on and I'm struggling a bit now due to that. I know I need to just take things slow and casual, and that 6 months is nothing in the grand scheme of things, but after 4 years in a relationship I miss that feeling!

 

[MrJohnSherry]

Just thinking about relationships and stuff today, decided to stop by and ask the good people of OCUK for a bit of advice! Basically, 2 months or so ago me and fiancée broke up - here is the main story of that for anyone interested.

Spoiler

For the past 3 years or so, she has been living away from home for University (she lives in Liverpool, I live in Northern Ireland). Due to me trying to pay off the wedding and working more or less every hour god sent, time off for me was few and far between. So about 2 months or so ago, I got a text saying she hadn't sleep and I asked was she worried about the wedding - to which she replied, something like that. Alarm bells go off, I ring her, and she is completely hysterical, so I tell her to decide whether if it was worth it to her or not.

She decided no, citing that she had struggled with it for a few months, and wasn't sure if she even loved me anymore. It cut like a fricking knife, but you know what, I respect her for it. I couldn't have done it. We swore we would still be friends (hasn't happened, does it ever really?), but I still think about her and wish her nothing but luck. She changed my life, when we first met I was in a dark place (alcohol and drug abuse, literally spent all my wages on these two every month), and she got me through that and give me something to strive for.

Like I say, it will take someone special to make me want to do it all again lol

Here is what I want advice with; about 2 years ago, I went deaf in my left ear (Viral infection that was never treated properly by the doctor). Now, to me, that seems like a put off to potential partners in the future. I don't feel like it is a disability for me personally, I have learnt to live with it, but I fear women will be put off by it.

Do I tell them straight away? Do I wait?

 

[Dis86]

Here is what I want advice with; about 2 years ago, I went deaf in my left ear (Viral infection that was never treated properly by the doctor). Now, to me, that seems like a put off to potential partners in the future. I don't feel like it is a disability for me personally, I have learnt to live with it, but I fear women will be put off by it.

Do I tell them straight away? Do I wait?

Don't be daft!

A good friend of mine is deaf in one ear.
He's a professional musician and is a complete chick magnet! If they're put off by the fact that you have a slight disability then they aren't worth bothering with anyway!
Just bring it up casually, it normally happens with him as they'll be yapping and he wont hear it so he'll say "you have to stand on this side, i'm deaf in that ear" and nobody bats an eyelid.

 

[MrJohnSherry]

Don't be daft!

A good friend of mine is deaf in one ear.
He's a professional musician and is a complete chick magnet! If they're put off by the fact that you have a slight disability then they aren't worth bothering with anyway!
Just bring it up casually, it normally happens with him as they'll be yapping and he wont hear it so he'll say "you have to stand on this side, i'm deaf in that ear" and nobody bats an eyelid.

Cheers mate, I thought I was being irrational with that train of thought - but you never know with some people! I have yet to have to do that to be honest, I am quite good at strategically placing myself in situations, and people who I let talk into that ear are normally pole axed and I am more than willing to let them talk to a literal deaf ear

 

[A2Z]

Never thought I'd actually venture into here..

I came out of a 4 year relationship last November and whilst yes, I have enjoyed being single, I'm definitely the sort of person that does better when I'm with someone. I'm at the point now where I'm ready to move on, and whilst there have been a couple of possibilities they've petered out into nothing. I definitely fall into the "develop feelings too quickly" camp, so my confidence has been knocked already early on and I'm struggling a bit now due to that. I know I need to just take things slow and casual, and that 6 months is nothing in the grand scheme of things, but after 4 years in a relationship I miss that feeling!

I could have wrote that word for word...I am in exactly the same position!

Although been nearly 2 years now I have been single...during that time I have been with a few girls but none that have made me want to become official. I have also enjoyed being single but yep I would much rather be with someone... just seems like every girl who I actually like and want to persue is not interested and yep I develop feelings too quickly which definately knocks the confidence...

There was one girl who I had a FWB thing going on for over a year and a half but in the end she fell in love with me and I didn't feel the same and broke her heart... just feels like I am going nowhere and I will never be able to experience the feeling I had when I got with my ex (my first proper 'love').

 

[[FnG]magnolia]

I am finding it so difficult to get back to my normal life and just enjoy my time being alone

Went shopping today to kill some time. But now I'm sat at home wondering what to do next. It's a bank holiday weekend as well. I wish the weekend ended sooner

Without wanting to state the obvious, wishing your life away is rarely a good fix to a problem. By all means take some time to stabilise yourself with being single again but don't go into stasis. What were the things you liked doing 10 weeks ago? Do more of those things. Enjoy your time instead of enduring it, do stuff that makes you happy, that makes you smile, that makes your own time really worth savouring.

So, deal with the not so great stuff right now but look forward to the really great stuff shortly

Just thinking about relationships and stuff today, decided to stop by and ask the good people of OCUK for a bit of advice! Basically, 2 months or so ago me and fiancée broke up - here is the main story of that for anyone interested.

Here is what I want advice with; about 2 years ago, I went deaf in my left ear (Viral infection that was never treated properly by the doctor). Now, to me, that seems like a put off to potential partners in the future. I don't feel like it is a disability for me personally, I have learnt to live with it, but I fear women will be put off by it.

Do I tell them straight away? Do I wait?

You are who you are and people who deserve to be with you will take you as such

 

[MisChief]

Without wanting to state the obvious, wishing your life away is rarely a good fix to a problem. By all means take some time to stabilise yourself with being single again but don't go into stasis. What were the things you liked doing 10 weeks ago? Do more of those things. Enjoy your time instead of enduring it, do stuff that makes you happy, that makes you smile, that makes your own time really worth savouring.

So, deal with the not so great stuff right now but look forward to the really great stuff shortly

What I did 10 weeks ago was no different to what I do now. I still go out with friends and do my own thing, it's just that the guy is on my mind all the time now.

He text me this evening and said "That's a walk away then".... So what am I supposed to think now... Does that mean he doesn't want me to walk away? Otherwise why wouldn't he just leave it at that and never speak to me again

 

[Steampunk]

What I did 10 weeks ago was no different to what I do now. I still go out with friends and do my own thing, it's just that the guy is on my mind all the time now.

He text me this evening and said "That's a walk away then".... So what am I supposed to think now... Does that mean he doesn't want me to walk away? Otherwise why wouldn't he just leave it at that and never speak to me again

Some people like playing games. He's not that interested or committed, but he'll send you an email to string you along, because he's likely doing the same to other women too. If one of his other women don't pan out, he'll reel you back in for a while, and then (mostly) drop you again when someone else turns up. In the end, don't you want to be with someone who wants to be with you?

I worked with one woman where her ex-boyfriend (who she still loved) was very good at stringing her along. Whenever she showed any interest in anyone else, she'd mention it to her "best friend" ex-boyfriend, and he'd get all attentive for a while to effectively stop her from moving on. He'd do this, but without any kind of commitment so that he could be dating some one else the next week.

There's a reason everyone recommends severing when a relationship is over.

 

[[FnG]magnolia]

What I did 10 weeks ago was no different to what I do now. I still go out with friends and do my own thing, it's just that the guy is on my mind all the time now.

He text me this evening and said "That's a walk away then".... So what am I supposed to think now... Does that mean he doesn't want me to walk away? Otherwise why wouldn't he just leave it at that and never speak to me again

He's not worth your time. The "so what if ..?" game only works on one side so just cut him off and move on. There are loads of great people out there who won't string you along and have you as a back up. Delete his texts, get him of facebook or similar, and put it down as something which didn't work out.

Don't encourage him, reply to him, endorse his view that he can play with you. It's over. Rip the band aid off and go be awesome.

e: also ^ that.

e2 : this may also be helpful:

http://i.imgur.com/FdiKyl8.jpg

If the image is larger than 1280 pixels wide then please resize, link only or put in spoiler tags. Thank you.

 

[Fuzz]

Drop the dude like a hot stone, men like that aren't worth putting out for.
Just look how he makes you feel, remember the reason why you broke it off... The bloke's a jerkoff

 

[jumpy]

The forum has spoken, MisChief.

I'd expect rather more than a vaguely rhetorical question; a little more 'fight' if he was properly bothered about it.
Add to that what you said about meeting up/not meeting up at the last minute, sounds like too much effort for a lukewarm interest to me. I know people can be busy and have other commitments, but if the guy bails on you at the last minute when you've arranged something... well, three strikes and you're out, sunshine.

You know what's right or not for you if you think about it - don't let your emotional indecision decide for you.

 

[The__Malteser]

The forum has spoken, MisChief.

And from past experience,ce the forum is always right

 

[Fuzz]

Just don't go thinking we are all like that, go back to being too picky and not go out with anyone.

It's quite amazing how a lot of short relationships allow you to see a clearer picture of when they become jerkoffs, then you find severing much easier..... As long as you haven't "fallen" first
Although I thought I found "the one", which broke me a little bit actually, when she turned out to be bat**** too.
Damn red heads, I should have known better.