The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Lil update from me...

I've had an exhausting weekend, emotionally and physically. I went to collect my belongings on Saturday and got it all done, but when I had to say to goodbye I felt like I was right back at square one again just like I was the night we originally split :(

It was difficult, she insisted that if we can both handle it, to stay in touch and be friends from it all...one thing I can't take away is that we do get along ridiculously well.

But I kept a stiff upper lip, had a few silent tears and walked tall to the van and drove back to Essex, fully intent on not visiting Herne Bay for a long, long time. I need to get my head straight before going there again.

I got it all indoors and then when I sat down felt good, initially. My place was full of stuff, admittedly piled up and looking like a squatters place but hey, I had my stuff back.

2-3hours later after I was done working, I completely freaked out. Everywhere I looked I saw boxes, boxes and more boxes. It reminded me of the whole thing. Despite what I had already done that day I unpacked for a full 3 hours to get rid of every box and it felt amazing. Books on the shelves, glasses in the cupboards...felt like home again very very quickly.

That took me up to 2am, so after 20 hours of physical abuse I went to bed.

Sunday some friends came over and helped me finish unpacking and sorting out, by the afternoon it was very much looking exactly how I want it and now all I need to do is sort out my clothes out of bags, but I'm buying temporary storage tonight and then will do that which won't take long :)
 
PMKeates said:
I guess it depends what you want for your child. Giving them a great education (very rare in the state sector), cultural enrichment, a healthy lifestyle and not curtailing your own life to zero are not possible on £25k unless as parents you have the skills and time to provide all of that.
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What is cultural enrichment?
 
PMKeates said:
I think if you want a fairly empty adult life and a fairly basic life for your child, being a parent on £25k is fine. My parents were far from well off, but then they had no lives at all and I had very little in the way of cultural exposure because they couldn't afford it.
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What exactly are you getting at with cultural exposure/cultural enrichment?

Surely at the very early years all a child needs is love and to be cared for.
 
PMKeates said:
I think if you want a fairly empty adult life and a fairly basic life for your child, being a parent on £25k is fine. My parents were far from well off, but then they had no lives at all and I had very little in the way of cultural exposure because they couldn't afford it.
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i was raised by parents who both had high incomes but there is no price one can put on time spent raising a child. surely when you become a parent, the child becomes your life to a greater extent? it's the balancing act that's the test.
 
Cultural enrichment is just a fancy word for expensive holidays and restaurants isn't it. Never had any of that from my parents, holidays were mostly in the UK and we never went to expensive restaurants or anything like that. I'm doing okay for myself without it.

Spending time with your child is more beneficial than earning £70k a year and working 70 hour weeks with hardly any time to see them, no matter how many holidays or fancy stuff you buy them
 
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Surfer said:
What is cultural enrichment?
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anticonscience said:
What exactly are you getting at with cultural exposure/cultural enrichment?

Surely at the very early years all a child needs is love and to be cared for.
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A child can get by with very little. As a species we roamed the wilderness in modern day Africa, surrounded by predators and with only scraps of food to survive. "Need" is fine, it's the bare minimum - but it's surely not what anyone wants?

Today we all enjoy things that make life easier, more comfortable, more enjoyable and make it worth living. If your life's ambition is to reproduce and watch TV, then £25k will enable you do to that. If you want to experience more than that, and you want your child to experience more than that, then £25k probably isn't going to be enough.

Take something basic - piano lessons. From a quick Google they cost £15-30/hr. Hopefully you'll have the time to introduce your child to music, and maybe they'll want to learn an instrument. That is expensive, and you will be unlikely to find something useful at school unless you go to a good one. Most good schools are in good (and expensive) catchment areas.
Ayahuasca said:
Cultural enrichment is just a fancy word for expensive holidays and restaurants isn't it. Never had any of that from my parents, holidays were mostly in the UK and we never went to expensive restaurants or anything like that. I'm doing okay for myself without it.
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The fact you imagine it to be expensive holidays and restaurants is telling. Great your holidays were mostly in the UK. I had slightly poorer parents - we didn't have a holiday from when I was 10 until I could pay for my own. My parents couldn't afford it. Other people who have poorer parents may have none whatsoever. You don't need interesting holidays, but they would be good.
 
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PMKeates said:
I guess it depends what you want for your child. Giving them a great education (very rare in the state sector), cultural enrichment, a healthy lifestyle and not curtailing your own life to zero are not possible on £25k unless as parents you have the skills and time to provide all of that.
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cm1179 said:
i agree it depends on what you want for your child. a private education is out of reach for most parents but £25k is enough to give a child a very good urbinging aslong as the parents make sacrifices in their own life which surely is what being a parent is all about.
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PMKeates said:
I think if you want a fairly empty adult life and a fairly basic life for your child, being a parent on £25k is fine. My parents were far from well off, but then they had no lives at all and I had very little in the way of cultural exposure because they couldn't afford it.
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£25k, about £1600 after tax /pension. £550 on rent. any decent apartment in Swansea is above £500. Bills come to £250 for the flat. Then there is is the my phone which is £25, my car insurance at £50 per month and the biggest bill my personal loan for a private medical operation because the NHS believed I didn't need the operation. £275 per month. And £160 per month on diesel...

I think I need to give up this job and go with the dull job with more money. I want to give this kid everything I didn't have as a kid.
 
Abraxaz1 said:
£25k, about £1600 after tax /pension. £550 on rent. any decent apartment in Swansea is above £500. Bills come to £250 for the flat. Then there is is the my phone which is £25, my car insurance at £50 per month and the biggest bill my personal loan for a private medical operation because the NHS believed I didn't need the operation. £275 per month. And £160 per month on diesel...

I think I need to give up this job and go with the dull job with more money. I want to give this kid everything I didn't have as a kid.
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It seems you have £300/month spare to raise a child, assuming you have nothing whatsoever for yourself.

I'd personally spend the time convincing her to get rid of it.
 
PMKeates said:
It seems you have £300/month spare to raise a child, assuming you have nothing whatsoever for yourself.

I'd personally spend the time convincing her to get rid of it.
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this is a bizarre statement.

he should be looking at what he can cut back on and what benefits/tax credits etc he and his partner are eligible for.
 
cm1179 said:
this is a bizarre statement.

he should be looking at what he can cut back on and what benefits/tax credits etc he and his partner are eligible for.
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To set himself up to have no personal existence and be dependent on the state, so that he can have a child he didn't want? Sounds wonderful!
 
Maybe we should stop talking about what he shouldve done and actually help with the issue.

All comes down to your feelings. If you want it, you'll find a way, that's my philosophy.
All depends how long you have left in uni, i imagine you could scrape by while you finish uni and then get a better paid job after that.

Neither of you should talk the other one into what they want, whatever you decide should be of mutual consent.

And remember, there is no should or shouldn't. Base it off your circumstances and your feelings
 
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cm1179 said:
well maybe he should've thought about that before and now needs to up his game.
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I think there are probably a few ways to trick his partner in to aborting.

Maybe take out a loan and go on sabbatical, then pretend you've lost your job. Shed a few crocodile tears about how hard it will be and emotionally blackmail her in to it?
 
Oh and my advice would be you need to sit down (if you haven't already) and have a serious discussion about it. Have you had it confirmed via test/doctors that she is pregnant? Yes the odds are small she isn't but it's best to be 100% sure.

Next I'd be thinking about what you are going to do if she decides to keep it, sadly you aren't just going to walk away from it (if it's yours), so even if you are not together some of your wages are going to go towards looking after your child, so start making a list of essential items with cost per month breakdown to see what (if needed) could be cancelled/reduced in cost.

Babies do not cost THAT much (let's just hope you have the one) :p

Have a look here http://www.entitledto.co.uk/ to see what benefits you might be able to claim.

Does she currently work? If so, what's the plan for after the baby is born and maternity leave?

That's just a few things to think about for the short term. Yes it's a rude awakening, but don't think of it as you are screwed because you aren't, you have a job that pays a good amount of money and there are people out there (family?) who will help you.

Good luck.

PMKeates said:
To set himself up to have no personal existence and be dependent on the state, so that he can have a child he didn't want? Sounds wonderful!
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Another bizarre statement to make.

There's a difference between being dependent on the state and claiming what you are entitled to, but I see the coalition has done their job in vilifying any benefit claimant.

As stated, it's about sacrifice in those early years when your income is lower due to the mother staying at home to raise the child, I mean it's 4/5 years until they go to school and the mother (in this scenario, assuming nursery at the correct age etc) can go to part time work again, I don't see what cultural enrichment/exposure a child will have in those years that would be meaningful for future life.

And both my children are very much into music thank you (my eldest plays the drums at his school and my youngest is going to learn to play the guitar when he is old enough to do it at school).
 
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PMKeates said:
I think there are probably a few ways to trick his partner in to aborting.

Maybe take out a loan and go on sabbatical, then pretend you've lost your job. Shed a few crocodile tears about how hard it will be and emotionally blackmail her in to it?
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What did i just read............

No
Just

NO!

Thats just borderline cruel
 
anticonscience said:
Another bizarre statement to make.

There's a difference between being dependent on the state and claiming what you are entitled to, but I see the coalition has done their job in vilifying any benefit claimant.
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Claiming what you are entitled to and dependence are two different things. Knowingly putting yourself in a difficult financial situation and claiming benefits that are required to survive is dependence.
anticonscience said:
As stated, it's about sacrifice in those early years when your income is lower due to the mother staying at home to raise the child, I mean it's 4/5 years until they go to school and the mother (in this scenario, assuming nursery at the correct age etc) can go to part time work again, I don't see what cultural enrichment/exposure a child will have in those years that would be meaningful for future life.

And both my children are very much into music thank you (my eldest plays the drums at his school and my youngest is going to learn to play the guitar when he is old enough to do it at school).
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Sacrifice for what.. having a child he didn't want with a girl he's been with 8 months?

I'm sure your children are amazing to you.
 
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