The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Abraxaz1 said:
Ok guys and girls, been with this girl now for nearly a year and I have a few issues.


2) Shes texting another guy... she has lots of male friends due to the industry that she is currently in and I truly don't mind this but this one guy has openly said he wants to have sex with her and break us up. Am I being unreasonable to expect her to block this guy not take the opportunity to pick up hours in his pub?


sigh, why are relationships hard work..
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No you are not unreasonable. As soon as he said that, she should have told him it is out of order and stopped speaking to him.

Of course, you can't say that to her without her accusing you of mistrusting her.

Tough situation, sorry I wouldn't know what to do. I'd probably kick off though.....but I'm an idiot haha.
 
Abraxaz1 said:
Ok guys and girls, been with this girl now for nearly a year and I have a few issues.


sigh, why are relationships hard work..
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sounds to me like she's got you wrapped around her pinkie... well, a bit anyway. Mooching off you and not setting clear boundaries with this other guy.

You're worth more than that, yes? :)
 
Abraxaz1 said:
Ok guys and girls, been with this girl now for nearly a year and I have a few issues.

1) She refuses to get a proper job, we live together I earn £27k + and she only works 3 days a week taking home £8k a year, she keeps talking of getting a house etc but I can't see it with the current amount of savings/earnings coming in/being generated. She has a degree and would make a excellent teacher but because her mum agrees with me shes refusing to do it. Is there any way of telling her to get a better bloody job nicely as it's not fair that I have to spend all my money supporting the both of us.

2) Shes texting another guy... she has lots of male friends due to the industry that she is currently in and I truly don't mind this but this one guy has openly said he wants to have sex with her and break us up. Am I being unreasonable to expect her to block this guy not take the opportunity to pick up hours in his pub?


sigh, why are relationships hard work..
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2) I be more concerned that she still texting someone that openly wants to have sex with her and break you guys up. If roles were reversed you would stop texting him, maybe tell him to **** off.
 
Abraxaz1 said:
Ok guys and girls, been with this girl now for nearly a year and I have a few issues.

1) She refuses to get a proper job, we live together I earn £27k + and she only works 3 days a week taking home £8k a year, she keeps talking of getting a house etc but I can't see it with the current amount of savings/earnings coming in/being generated. She has a degree and would make a excellent teacher but because her mum agrees with me shes refusing to do it. Is there any way of telling her to get a better bloody job nicely as it's not fair that I have to spend all my money supporting the both of us.

2) Shes texting another guy... she has lots of male friends due to the industry that she is currently in and I truly don't mind this but this one guy has openly said he wants to have sex with her and break us up. Am I being unreasonable to expect her to block this guy not take the opportunity to pick up hours in his pub?


sigh, why are relationships hard work..
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Time to put on your big boy pants and talk to her about these two key issues. My spider sense tells me: sever.
 
Will21st said:
sounds to me like she's got you wrapped around her pinkie... well, a bit anyway. Mooching off you and not setting clear boundaries with this other guy.

You're worth more than that, yes? :)
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I know but shes actually treated me decently unlike the last one who totally ruined my self confidence. Maybe I should go have a word with him in person?
 
Abraxaz1 said:
Ok guys and girls, been with this girl now for nearly a year and I have a few issues.

1) She refuses to get a proper job, we live together I earn £27k + and she only works 3 days a week taking home £8k a year, she keeps talking of getting a house etc but I can't see it with the current amount of savings/earnings coming in/being generated. She has a degree and would make a excellent teacher but because her mum agrees with me shes refusing to do it. Is there any way of telling her to get a better bloody job nicely as it's not fair that I have to spend all my money supporting the both of us.

2) Shes texting another guy... she has lots of male friends due to the industry that she is currently in and I truly don't mind this but this one guy has openly said he wants to have sex with her and break us up. Am I being unreasonable to expect her to block this guy not take the opportunity to pick up hours in his pub?


sigh, why are relationships hard work..
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Thought id comment on 2 and have my own rant as well

2: she is a wrongun, the fact that she is still txting this bloke means she is either going to go through with it, is happy to lead him on or just loves the attention, either one of those 3 are bad news. my opinion is to get it to stop now or move on.

I commented on here a while ago about the lack of replys ect from a girl ive been txting, i got told to not be as "available" i have done this and i still dont understand, if i dont txt her she dont like it, if i do the replys are either all night long or one word answers, very strange. it will change like the weather from one min to the next.
 
elh_2009 said:
Thought id comment on 2 and have my own rant as well

2: she is a wrongun, the fact that she is still txting this bloke means she is either going to go through with it, is happy to lead him on or just loves the attention, either one of those 3 are bad news. my opinion is to get it to stop now or move on.

I commented on here a while ago about the lack of replys ect from a girl ive been txting, i got told to not be as "available" i have done this and i still dont understand, if i dont txt her she dont like it, if i do the replys are either all night long or one word answers, very strange. it will change like the weather from one min to the next.
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There's a whole scene around 'techniques' and 'plays' and all of that good stuff and whilst it might be meant in a positive way it generally reads as terrible PUA stuff.

I think you owe it to yourself to be you and act how you choose to. Now that might get flavoured a bit by some advice you read or hear but the best bit is that you are your own filter so take the stuff that works and put to the side the stuff that doesn't.

Final thought for today is this: do you want to spend some or even most of your time thinking and worrying about what he/she might have meant or did mean or could be interpreted to mean or was trying to say or meant to say ... or do you just want to meet new people who make these things less likely to happen?
 
Abraxaz1 said:
Ok guys and girls, been with this girl now for nearly a year and I have a few issues.

1) She refuses to get a proper job, we live together I earn £27k + and she only works 3 days a week taking home £8k a year, she keeps talking of getting a house etc but I can't see it with the current amount of savings/earnings coming in/being generated. She has a degree and would make a excellent teacher but because her mum agrees with me shes refusing to do it. Is there any way of telling her to get a better bloody job nicely as it's not fair that I have to spend all my money supporting the both of us.

2) Shes texting another guy... she has lots of male friends due to the industry that she is currently in and I truly don't mind this but this one guy has openly said he wants to have sex with her and break us up. Am I being unreasonable to expect her to block this guy not take the opportunity to pick up hours in his pub?


sigh, why are relationships hard work..
Click to expand...

1. Tell her that you want to build a future with her, and she needs to start contributing, because you can't do it alone and she's got the talent and the skills to be more than she's doing.

2. Tell her this is out of order and it upsets you. It's not about whether you trust her or not, it's about how it makes you feel bad, and if she's got any consideration for your feelings, she'll cut this guy off. How would she feel if you were texting a woman who made it clear she wanted to have sex with you and break up your relationship?

How she responds to this tell you how important you are to her, or whether you're just a convenient stop-off to someone better. Just because she doesn't treat you badly (and that's arguable as she's sexting some other bloke), that doesn't mean you should put up with this kind of ****.
 
Can someone point out that post or link about how to deal with a breakup, the one about cutting all contact and basically getting over yourself. Magnolias I think??
Got someone who needs a reality check :D
 
Fuzz said:
Can someone point out that post or link about how to deal with a breakup, the one about cutting all contact and basically getting over yourself. Magnolias I think??
Got someone who needs a reality check :D
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I can't copy/paste the thread because it contains swearies but it is probably the one thread I would hold up as being a really good counter argument to sensibilities and why they matter.

Anyway, if one had a search engine and typed the following into it:

http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3386887

then one might find the thread you describe.

Hope this helps.
 
Steampunk said:
How she responds to this tell you how important you are to her, or whether you're just a convenient stop-off to someone better. Just because she doesn't treat you badly (and that's arguable as she's sexting some other bloke), that doesn't mean you should put up with this kind of ****.
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This is exactly how I played it with my ex, she chose the wrong things to say so that was that. Yea we all make bad judgements from time to time but when pulled up on it, having had time to think You are either thinking about the feelings of the other person or you couldn't give a ****.
If the obvious is the latter, then it should be bye bye love, it was nice while it lasted.
 
Fuzz said:
Can someone point out that post or link about how to deal with a breakup, the one about cutting all contact and basically getting over yourself. Magnolias I think??
Got someone who needs a reality check :D
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I don't know which of my two responses might get viewed but if my other post doesn't come up then a google search on the following will probably work:

To the dumped and dumpers alike, welcome to the Breakup Megathread. If you’re starting to suspect an end to your romantic world as you know it, it just ended, or you’re five months down the road and it’s all coming back to haunt you, hopefully this thread and the people in it can give you some useful advice to avoid those pesky restraining orders. But before we get too far along:
 
I'm not wanting to go into the full story here, but here goes:

My ex is 5 months pregnant - due in June. I've recently returned to the country (Canada) after some time at home after a particularly nasty break up - when I returned I was staying with her, during which time we fought. A lot. This has been a repeat of the time we spent together, nasty arguments, getting angry, the whole shebang.

I'm ashamed to admit that I did push her away from me, I have done on a couple of occasions. No intention to hurt her, but firmly enough to make her have to sit down suddenly on the edge of a bed (the direction was intentional). I have had to stop myself from going further. The upsetting thing is that I was holding back, she's 6 inches shorter and 2 and a half stone lighter than me, it was very scary with which the ease that I moved her.

I'm afraid that one day I'm going to hurt her, not be able to hold back and do some real damage. I'm incredibly aware that she is pregnant, (yes it's mine). I have now removed myself from the situation and am staying away until I have seeked counselling to deal with my anger issues.

Please tell me that I've done the right thing, I'm incredibly ashamed of myself. :(
 
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Fuzz said:
Can someone point out that post or link about how to deal with a breakup, the one about cutting all contact and basically getting over yourself. Magnolias I think??
Got someone who needs a reality check :D
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I think I already replied to this but I'm on moderated posting so perhaps it didn't get through.

lushka16 is the google search you need which will take you to the archived thread, albeit on a different host forum. You can also use Something Awful lushka16 as a a search but this will provide you with a website which uses swear words as placeholders so, you know, be careful out there kids.
 
Definitely the right thing. You should in no way assault a woman. You've made this mistake several times,it wasn't just a one off and next time you could lose control further and do something you regret more. Counselling definitely sounds like a must. You need to control your machismo aggression. Maybe take it out on the gym?

Best of luck.
 
Captain Planet said:
Definitely the right thing. You should in no way assault a woman. You've made this mistake several times,it wasn't just a one off and next time you could lose control further and do something you regret more. Counselling definitely sounds like a must. You need to control your machismo aggression. Maybe take it out on the gym?

Best of luck.
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I completely agree - I stayed too long the first time around; we definitely know how to push each other's buttons. I regret what I've done already massively, it's no way to treat someone, pregnant or not. I'm very scared that I could lose it completely and do some real damage.

My current outlet is playing hockey (field, not ice), it definitely calms me down. However I shouldn't need something like that to calm me down, I should be able to control this on my own. The most scary part is there will be a baby around soon enough, what if I lose my temper then? What if it won't stop crying? It doesn't bear thinking about, I simply don't trust myself.

I'm planning to head back to the UK and seek counselling, whatever I need to do. I'm simply not a responsible person to have around right now.

Thanks for the advice.
 
Not really advice, I'm not much use lol, and it would appear you don't need any anyway, you already know the right things to do. You're not a bad person, you've just made mistakes and you're going to take the steps to address that.

We all have aggression in us. Funnily enough I also lash out when pushed the wrong way. It doesn't happen often but when I do it's just turbo nasty, and I'm ashamed of myself after (I've launched a guy by his throat through a window before, amongst other horrid things). It's not at all big or cool. My GF, out of everyone, can push me over the edge the most. I've never laid a finger on her though, it's just not right. Look at it this way instead, you are so close and know each other so well, you both know the buttons that make you tick.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself, be the man, you will do what you know is right.

/pep talk :p
 
[FnG]magnolia;27632849 said:
I think I already replied to this but I'm on moderated posting so perhaps it didn't get through.

lushka16 is the google search you need which will take you to the archived thread, albeit on a different host forum. You can also use Something Awful lushka16 as a a search but this will provide you with a website which uses swear words as placeholders so, you know, be careful out there kids.
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Ahh all your posts show up now, they didn't yesterday.

This is the info I need Ta muchly. I tried something awful but it wanted $10 to join... wasn't going to do that but with the above info I have found it fine.
muchas gracias. :D
 
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