That's okay, I can touch-type, so it's not too bad. If I don't think I can contribute something constructive, I don't post, but.... wall of text incoming!
Thing is, that's window-dressing. It's easy to pat someone on the shoulder and say "there there". It's meaningless and costs her nothing, makes both her and you feel a little better, but it resolves nothing. It's activity without accomplishment.
What she won't do for you is anything that inconveniences herself at all. She won't even put her phone down for a meal or turn up on time. How's she going to fix what she's doing wrong when she prefers to go out and party with her friends than spend time with you? How's she going to take her meds regularly when she'd rather do drink and drugs? How's she going to go to CBT when she thinks there's nothing wrong with what she's doing? She doesn't even come home to you at night. She would rather be with other people in other places.
Yes, she'll tell you she feels bad, because that's what she thinks she should say/feel, but she keeps doing what she's doing anyway. People who love you (as opposed to people who say they love you) don't behave that way. Even if she does try to do the very least to make you feel better, that's the guilt talking, not love. That's why she carries on doing what she wants regardless, and now you're the source of her feeling guilty. That's why she doesn't want to be around you and pushes you away.
It is to do with you, because you are part of her life. You are part of everything she can't handle, and why she goes partying with her friends and won't spend time with you. She's with you out of habit, but you're part of her life, and that life is something she can't deal with, so she self-medicates with drink, drugs, parties, and (possible) random sex when she's not coming home all night.
Depression isn't something that you just kick. Suffering from depression means that she is fundamentally thinking about things in a very different way from you. Behaviour that may not make any sense to you at all may seem perfectly reasonable to her. She may even think she's doing you a big favour by splitting up with you, because she's hurting you. It won't even occur to her that she could stop doing the behaviour that hurts you in the first place.
Depression is something you get treated for, and may have to change your life to get better. If you're lucky, she may eventually be able to get herself onto a more even keel, but that isn't something that can happen until she wants to make the effort. To hope she will do this and everything will be magically fixed.... that's a fantasy I'm afraid. She's not trying, she's not asking for your help or support, she's pushing you away because she wants a new life that doesn't include you. I know you feel loyal and want to help, but she's already left the relationship. You have to live with that reality, not keep hoping the past comes back. She will never be that person again. Even if she fixes herself and comes back to you, she will be a different version of that woman from the past. That's how relationships evolve, or fizzle out to nothing.
Men do tend to want to stay and try to fix people. This is white knight syndrome. Also in your position, a man tends to find it harder to talk about, understand, or even acknowledge his feelings. This means his emotional support network tends to be focussed on his partner. A woman talks to friends, her mother, sisters, etc, so is more emotionally supported in the event of a break-up. What this means is that you may be trying to stay and fix her because you're wired to be stubborn about this, and men are wired to be emotionally more invested into the relationship.
In reality, you need to take a step back and try to be objective. If you just met this woman and spent a week dating her, would you stay with her? Instead you are fantasising about this good relationship that you had for a time in the past, but she's not that person any more.
This is why the recommended response to a break up is "severing". This is especially important for a man who puts his emotional well being into a woman he's just broken up with. You still see your ex though glasses tinted by the times and emotions you shared when things were good. This will not just hold you back in the past, it will actively stop you moving forwards with anyone else, or even other parts of your life. The emotional space that might be filled by another woman in the future is still filled with your ex. This ensures that you can't fill that space with someone else and move on.
If you do meet someone else, how is that new woman going to feel about you "always being there" for your ex? How are you going to manage that? Tell your new girlfriend that your old girlfriend is more important? Or are you going to hamstring any new relationship because you think your ex might come back to you? Do you think you can stay in limbo yourself in the hope your ex fixes herself? Do you think she will want a static version of you once she has moved on and changed as a person? How long will you intend to wait in your ivory tower whilst your ex magically fixes herself with drink, drugs and sex? Life is not a Hollywood movie where broken people fix each other.
Severing all past ties allows you to move forwards, without being constantly dragged down by the emotional baggage this relationship has left you with. There's nothing wrong with acknowledging that you had this relationship and that you loved this woman. It's part of the life you lived and has changed you. However, clinging to it when it's over will stunt your ability to move forwards with your life. You need to learn to carry that emotional baggage in a way that doesn't keep dragging you back down into this woman's life, and for most people distance is the key.
She wants out, and you need to give her that time, but instead of waiting in limbo to see if she fixes herself (which she won't, because she hasn't hit rock bottom yet), you need to move forwards yourself. Leave that woman and relationship behind in the past, and concentrate on making yourself happy, and maybe finding someone else who actually wants to be with you and wants to make you happy, instead of doing things that hurt you.
Every relationship is different, and every relationship goes through a life cycle, a beginning, middle and end. People start out as strangers, and things evolve and change. Sometimes you have marriage, kids house, live a life. Sometimes things fizzle out or misfire, the relationship ends and you both go on to find other people to make you far happier than you thought possible with the old person. Sometimes relationships and people are not fixable, and things come to a natural end, and you have to accept that as a possibility, and take your life forwards anyway.
You need to stop trying to fix your ex and give her time to sort herself out and see if she comes back to you of her own accord or if the fixed version of her may not even want to be with you. At the same time, you need to move forwards and grow yourself, see if you meet someone else that is more compatible and shows you a different life you could have.
If she does lose her job, then whatever you do, do not take her in to live with you in your new place. This will just put you both back, and you will end up falling into the same old patterns, and things will end up being worse than ever.
I don't really know what further advice I can give you. Myself and others have posted here that you can't fix people, that despite your intentions to try and stay and help her, all you're doing is making things worse. Sometimes the best thing to do is step away and stop being part of each other's lives. This would be better for the both of you, because right now she makes you feel bad, which in turn makes her feel bad, so she self-medicates, which makes you feel bad, etc. It becomes a downwards spiral where the relationship becomes toxic to the both of you. If you want to help her and yourself, you need to both step away and move forwards with your lives separately, at least for the immediate future. That means moving forward as if the relationship is done, and with no expectations of it coming back in the future. Even if it does, it will not be the same, which in your case would be a good thing.
![[FnG]magnolia](/styles/overclockers/avatars/9.png){kind=avatar}
an hour after she left she text me we need to talk...again. Basically she saying she has a lot of issues which I know about. And she aint ready for a relationship and we want different things. I told her that I want her and the things that I want maybe one day aint so important as having her.
