The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

MissChief said:
Avoid until she is single. Sounds like she's over it and you're not. Also I'm surprised her BF puts up with it.
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I am, I wouldn't want to ruin it, I'm not that kind of guy.. Tbh.. I just needed to say it to people that wouldn't go and say stuff and start ****. People round here are great at it!!

She sends me such mixed signals, yet she is like a super committed relationship person.

I'm pretty relaxed about my girlfriend (if I were to have one) seeing guys, because I trust them and I'm not a jealous person at all, well apart from the last one, I knew she was a bit of a ... And I'm not sure why I went there.
 
savagesam117 said:
This is probably going to sound silly but I have this thing for a girl I dated like 4 years ago and we stopped talking for about 2 years and started again, now and again, nothing to it but I've always had a thing for her. We are now really close, don't see each other that often but tell each other everything and she's one of my best friends. I think about her all the time, she makes me really happy blah blah blah..

Today we went for a drive to a pub and then went for a meal and I slipped up. She was joking about me never texting her/thinking about her that kind of thing and I said I do all the time and all of a sudden it got really awkward and I didn't finish the conversation, now she keeps bugging me about telling her, but I don't want to ruin what we've got.

Here's the catch, she's got a boyfriend.

I don't know what to do :(
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Nothing.....that's what you do as she's in a relationship.
 
Well today is the day......

Car packed with all I own (sad right) and I've said bye to my son, wife, mother-in-law and brother-in-law. I'm looking forward to having some time to myself but they've been part of my life for 8 years (bar my son) so it's going to be hard. I'm not seeing him this weekend as I'm settling into my new place but will see him next week.

It's going to be a very long day considering I have to work :(
 
snips86x said:
Well today is the day......

Car packed with all I own (sad right) and I've said bye to my son, wife, mother-in-law and brother-in-law. I'm looking forward to having some time to myself but they've been part of my life for 8 years (bar my son) so it's going to be hard. I'm not seeing him this weekend as I'm settling into my new place but will see him next week.

It's going to be a very long day considering I have to work :(
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Try your best not to think to much on the past, in time you'll find that happiness you once had again. Your son will always be apart of your future and will love you the same.

In the mean time keep busy, surround yourself with friends, play some video games or whatever it is you enjoy doing and try to have a bit of fun.
 
.Lethal said:
Try your best not to think to much on the past, in time you'll find that happiness you once had again. Your son will always be apart of your future and will love you the same.

In the mean time keep busy, surround yourself with friends, play some video games or whatever it is you enjoy doing and try to have a bit of fun.
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Thanks :)

I have plans to do nothing this weekend but indulge myself in BF4. I'm moving in with a work colleague who is after a lodger so I've got some company which will be nice. She's got 3 dogs, which are cute, so a nice distraction :)
 
snips86x said:
Thanks :)

I have plans to do nothing this weekend but indulge myself in BF4. I'm moving in with a work colleague who is after a lodger so I've got some company which will be nice. She's got 3 dogs, which are cute, so a nice distraction :)
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I'm sure she will be a nice distraction too :p
 
After debating whether I should move on and get myself out there I've decided against it.
I know it sounds irrational but I really don't think (particularly at 30)I'll find better than my ex.

Big problems being
I really don't want kids - that's probably 90pc of people gone in one swoop
I'm pretty fussy on hobbies. I'm not a people person - but I'm very much a partner person. That means I need a girl who at least likes some of the things I like
I don't want a troll

So I'm looking for a tiny percentage of people in a world where that tiny percentage are spoilt for choice.

Found also that the only thing that makes me happy is gym.
I don't like my job
And I don't like the area I live
No friends here and really I don't have the desire to make any

I'll keep at the job as long as I can for the money. But I'm at a loss as to what to do with my life
I'm going hard core at the gym. May look at personal training (mainly as I can potentially live in any city, it would be a pay cut no doubt but consider no family and it's more than livable)

I think I am coming to terms that my life could quite likely be a lonely one. As I won't settle for someone (I don't think you should)
We all die sometime and are effectively reset and as horrid add it sounds that is a comfort!

Part of me actually wants to loose my job to force me to do something crazy. But I'm not brave enough to Jack it in without a plan.
All this sounds really depressing.. It is. But I'm thinking clearer than I have done since the split. Almost that I'm accepting I'm done. And this is me.

Might not turn out like that.. But just as likely it could.
I'd love to want kids, I'd love to have had a rubbish ex. And have low standards.
I've even tried to tell myself kids wouldn't be the end of the world.. But they would. I connect to animals like most connect to kids.

Kind of nice to pen this down
Sad, very, but nice too.
 
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Despite the fact I'm seeing some real positives in my life for the first time in a very long time I'm feeling pretty low at the moment.

I'm due to start college in September, an access course that should (if I do well) springboard me onto a law degree the following year. Though I haven't seen my kids since boxing day my court case couldn't really be going any better. I'm working the doors, okay it's only weekends but I've got a great team of guys, fantastic landlords who are backing us 100% and have made some pretty decent new friends as of late. I've lost a bit of weight (I need to lose a hell of a lot more) and have started back at the gym and slowly improving though am not finding it easy.

So what's wrong, I guess I'm feeling lonely... :( Pathetic I know!
 
al4x said:
I know, It's not good, healthy etc, but it's definitely an honest feeling
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Yes it is an honest feeling, but don't start crying about it and say your whole life sucks and there's nothing you can do about it, that is just weak.

When I finished with my ex I also thought I wouldn't be able to find someone better. But I did, miles better. And a new better job, after getting released while still in probation.

Set out a plan of what you want to achieve/do in life and start doing it yourself, nobody will do it for you.
 
al4x said:
After debating whether I should move on and get myself out there I've decided against it.
I know it sounds irrational but I really don't think (particularly at 30)I'll find better than my ex.
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You will.

al4x said:
Found also that the only thing that makes me happy is gym.
I don't like my job
And I don't like the area I live
No friends here and really I don't have the desire to make any
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So change your job and change where you live. Life is short. Don't waste it. Realise that everything is out there for you to take if you want it.

al4x said:
I think I am coming to terms that my life could quite likely be a lonely one. As I won't settle for someone (I don't think you should)
We all die sometime and are effectively reset and as horrid add it sounds that is a comfort!
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Then don't settle for someone. Walk through life confidently and it will attract others. One of those people will be special enough for you. But be confident in yourself and go out and enjoy life. everything else will come to you.

al4x said:
Part of me actually wants to loose my job to force me to do something crazy. But I'm not brave enough to Jack it in without a plan.
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It's far better to leave on your own terms and find the perfect job than be forced out and have no option but to take another job you don't like.
 
You won't find someone if you don't look. Life goes on, it sucks and it hurts. You will find someone, but before that you need to find at least some happiness on your own. I was in an almost identical position a couple of years ago. Although inside I felt like destroying my life, I was determined to get out there and meet people - eventually I did. Did I find better or worse than my ex - well, no two people are the same and in every relationship there are good things and not so good things. Just remember that there are a lot of people out there, some lovely (plenty crazy!) and some in your exact position...who knows what the future brings, but it will be worth it when you find this person.
 
al4x said:
I know it sounds irrational but I really don't think (particularly at 30)I'll find better than my ex.
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lol you're 30 not 90. Geez, you should maybe consider seeing your GP and ask to be referred for some professional counselling because you lack self confidence and motivation and these people can help restore that.

Your young you've got your whole life ahead of you.

Vidar said:
So what's wrong, I guess I'm feeling lonely... :( Pathetic I know!
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So you've made some fantastic changes in your work life with an access course coming this fall (congrats I did this myself years ago) and other related things you've said.

But you're sad because you haven't done anything fun with your life besides concentrating on your work life. It sounds like you need to spend some time with your new friends or join some fun activities to meet more people or try some new interesting things in your area. Life isn't all about work dude, enjoy it more :)
 
I just can't get over thoughts in my head about children. I've looked. On pof just as an example to myself about how many people don't want kids. The list is very sparse!
I don't consider myself old I know. It's definitely the kids thing that's against me.

As before I just don't seem to enjoy anything. Even the good feeling I get after swimming/gym I still have to push myself to get out.
I used to enjoy doing things with my ex.
Best bit about gym is I enjoy it and it boosts future chances with relationship appearance hurdle

I'm thinking about help, but I can't seem to shake the logical 'it doesn't matter'
It all seems so clear.
I'm concerned in myself I've accepted nothing matters, and worse, that it's logical.
(logical in that when I'm dead I won't remember anyway etc)

Seriously.. How do people cope with this at 60 etc. I know I would just shutdown at that point!
 
I suppose sum up of what I see are my main problems

I don't want kids (unlikely to change but not something you can force)
I don't seem to want/need friends - I don't know why
I very much want a partner
I find it difficult to find people who are compatible due to emphasis I put on a partner as a best friend/main friend/lover
I only 'enjoy' things that take my concentration (gym, driving, odd game)

I don't want what my parents have for example. Don't really do much together, no real spark, no real common interests. Just loyal and companionship.
 
al4x said:
I suppose sum up of what I see are my main problems

I don't want kids (unlikely to change but not something you can force)
I don't seem to want/need friends - I don't know why
I very much want a partner
I find it difficult to find people who are compatible due to emphasis I put on a partner as a best friend/main friend/lover
I only 'enjoy' things that take my concentration (gym, driving, odd game)

I don't want what my parents have for example. Don't really do much together, no real spark, no real common interests. Just loyal and companionship.
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So you don't want kids?!?! I don't see what the problem is. I am 31 and I don't want kids either. I've started seeing someone new and I haven't told her I don't want kids. And I am?!?!....nope!! Unless I have to if we are still together years down the line. For now I am enjoying my time with her and keeping my mouth shut:)

You need to get off your backside and find new friends or keep in touch with current friends. These are the people who keep you happy and mind off your ex, if you have no friends then you will continue feeling this way.

You need a new partner, yes someone who is better than your ex and will not bring you down to their level. Once you have a good session at the gym, like over the weekend, get yourself ready for night out socialising. The fact you have been to the gym earlier that day will boot your confidence.

There are plenty of people out their will suit you perfectly, you just need to find them. They will NOT come to you!

You are 30 years old. YOU ARE IN YOUR PRIME FOR NEW RELATIONSHIPS. You are at the mature age where you know what you want women wise. A man in their 30’s with no kids is a god send to many women, as you don’t come with baggage and the decent women will take dating you seriously. So you will attract women with no kids either, from my experience those are the ones you need to get with. But if you are walking around with emotional baggage such as your ex then many will see this and you would have blown your chances finding someone new without you knowing it.

So you really need to move on and stop being tied down to the past, as for the job. Get searching and search HARD for a new one, get yourself into a job you can bare, not necessary like then move on up from there. Start creating opportunities for yourself.
 
krisboats said:
I've never been one to seriously question her loyality, sure in the beginning i'd get drunk and insecure but i dont actually think she would cheat on me. The STD at the beginning isnt even in question, i know she wasnt seeing anyone else back then as she was head over heels for me and we spent all of our time together.

I have to say though, her wanting her own space and being so radically different in her attitude towards me and us being close has only really been in the last two weeks. And it was 2.5 weeks ago that she turned up home at 8.30M drunk and with some guys jacket. i'd woken up at 5.30 and she wasnt home so sent her a text and tried calling a few times. She was hanging up the phone on my calls and text me back rather annoyed that she was fine and to stop worrying. I still want to give her the benefit of the doubt but it does look pretty bad.
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She's coming in at 8:30 in the morning with another guys leather jacket and hanging up on your calls at 5:30am because you're "bothering" her. I'm disgusted that you actually call yourself a male, if my girlfriend did that she'd come home to her things in the front garden
 
malachi said:
So you don't want kids?!?! I don't see what the problem is. I am 31 and I don't want kids either. I've started seeing someone new and I haven't told her I don't want kids. And I am?!?!....nope!! Unless I have to if we are still together years down the line. For now I am enjoying my time with her and keeping my mouth shut:)
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That's incredibly selfish unless you think you may change your mind. Even then isn't it easier to be honest and find someone who shares your views on kids?
 
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