The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[Bexx]

1) He probably is rebelling.
2) At 25 I'm not surprised he's experimenting, especially if friends do drugs.
3) Personally, I wouldn't be telling the person I love not to do things, even if I don't approve. I'd explain my view and leave it to them to choose. I'd only make an issue out of it if it was a serious problem (i.e. health/finances being impacted).
4) I get a sense you look down at people who do drugs. You other half may either sense this, or be fully aware.

I wouldn't say I look down exactly, it's everyones choice, but I suppose I do really wonder why someone would do that to themselves. Now I know that he does it too and is open to trying the harder stuff it's just really, really shocked me.

Maybe that's where I've gone wrong then is telling him to stop, I guess I just figured I'd be more important and if it was actually only a few times a year he could easily go without. I know he's one of the most important things in my life which is why I want the best for him and our future.

I just don't know how to go about it from now on. These nights after work we're just sitting in silence away from eachother and it's actually awkward. We could happily sit in silence before and we'd pipe up like "hey I saw this thing today...." or he's on his ipad and he sees something funny and hands it to me saying "watch this" and it was never awkward but now it is. He doesn't really speak, I text first because I know if I didn't I wouldn't hear off him. I know if I didn't turn up there today he wouldn't text me saying "hey where are you" because he's not bothered if I go or not. I try and make conversation but it's all one word replies

 

[MrZippo]

Bexx you haven't done anything wrong at all. It's not you with the problem, it's him.

You can't make him change for the better unless he wants to change himself.
You have expressed your feelings on the matter and it's up to him now.

You have to play the waiting game to see if he does keep his promises, but the real question you got to ask yourself is how long are you prepared to wait?

 

[Rich_L]

Everything sounds very mundane and tedious. Ditch him and move on, he's been with you since he's 19 and probably thinks he's missed out on a load of fun in his early 20s and wants to enjoy himself but doesn't want to lose the safety net, you seem to want someone who knows themselves and is ready to settle down. Also you didn't mention any friends, do you have any to go out with? You'll probably find when single that you were missing out on a lot of fun also.

 

[Steampunk]

I have definitely seen a change in him he's not the guy I used to know, though when I say that 'that guy' was hiding the weed from me for 5+ years too! He says he never said anything because I never asked. I said that doesn't count you're supposed to be honest with me especially when you know my stance on it.

You both met quite young, and now he's with his mates and enjoying the single life he's missed since he's been with you. I get the impression you're not properly living together, so he's got his own secret life without you, and it makes it easy for him to hide things from you (like the dope he was smoking all through uni).

You obviously want different things in life, and it's a question of how much compromise you are both willing to make. It doesn't seem to be a lot from either side. I'd certainly delay the wedding and see if you can sort things out and come to come kind of middle ground.

If not, and trust is gone and he wants a life that you can't live with, then you have to go your separate ways. You can love someone and not be able to live with them, but it sounds like he's not ready to settle down to the life you've got envisioned for the pair of you. You certainly don't seem to be the top of his priorities at the moment. Even if he was to give up the things you don't like, he's likely to resent you for it and do it behind your back, because he's had no problem lying to you for years about the dope smoking.

Whatever you do, don't go getting married thinking things will magically fix themselves. Just like having a baby to "fix things", marriage will simply increase the stress and problems to breaking point. If you're not right for each other before the wedding, you won't be right for each other afterwards just because you had one big day and signed a piece of paper.

 

[Vidar]

It sounds to me that falling in with this old friend has revived some very bad habits... we all have them but for a lot of us that doesn't involve the taking of illegal substances. The thing is he probably has done harder drugs that weed already and is just keeping it from you as well.

Here's the thing, if it is so much of an issue for you as it would be for me can you honestly see yourself being happy with a drug user? I couldn't and I would be looking to get out unless they changed their ways.

Personally I think it's ultimatum time, you or the drugs but you actually need to strength to cut him loose should he make the wrong choice!

 

[Bexx]

Everything sounds very mundane and tedious. Ditch him and move on, he's been with you since he's 19 and probably thinks he's missed out on a load of fun in his early 20s and wants to enjoy himself but doesn't want to lose the safety net, you seem to want someone who knows themselves and is ready to settle down. Also you didn't mention any friends, do you have any to go out with? You'll probably find when single that you were missing out on a lot of fun also.

I had plenty of friends in my old job which I left a year ago, we liked to go out every 3 months maybe nothing often. I don't see them anymore obviously but I keep in touch with some. My new friends in work are slightly older but we've never been out drinking or anything and it doesn't bother me I don't really feel like I've missed out

You both met quite young, and now he's with his mates and enjoying the single life he's missed since he's been with you. I get the impression you're not properly living together, so he's got his own secret life without you, and it makes it easy for him to hide things from you (like the dope he was smoking all through uni).

You obviously want different things in life, and it's a question of how much compromise you are both willing to make. It doesn't seem to be a lot from either side. I'd certainly delay the wedding and see if you can sort things out and come to come kind of middle ground.

If not, and trust is gone and he wants a life that you can't live with, then you have to go your separate ways. You can love someone and not be able to live with them, but it sounds like he's not ready to settle down to the life you've got envisioned for the pair of you. You certainly don't seem to be the top of his priorities at the moment. Even if he was to give up the things you don't like, he's likely to resent you for it and do it behind your back, because he's had no problem lying to you for years about the dope smoking.

Whatever you do, don't go getting married thinking things will magically fix themselves. Just like having a baby to "fix things", marriage will simply increase the stress and problems to breaking point. If you're not right for each other before the wedding, you won't be right for each other afterwards just because you had one big day and signed a piece of paper.

I can see what you mean yeah. No obviously there'll be no wedding until something is sorted and a baby is not on our cards, that's actually something else he kept from me but luckily (or not) I wasn't fussed about having one anyway

I do feel like the trust has gone, but I want to give him the chance to earn it back. He has 2 really good friends, the navy guy and this guy he met at uni really nice lad. Now I know he talks to them both about our situation but I don't think he's telling his uni friend the WHOLE story if you get me. I think a lot of people would be just as surprised as I was to find out what he's done

It sounds to me that falling in with this old friend has revived some very bad habits... we all have them but for a lot of us that doesn't involve the taking of illegal substances. The thing is he probably has done harder drugs that weed already and is just keeping it from you as well.

Here's the thing, if it is so much of an issue for you as it would be for me can you honestly see yourself being happy with a drug user? I couldn't and I would be looking to get out unless they changed their ways.

Personally I think it's ultimatum time, you or the drugs but you actually need to strength to cut him loose should he make the wrong choice!

I've always thought he was a bad influence on him purely from the going out a lot days. The navy guy has it so cushty he gets paid tons of money but can't spend it because he's on a boat. When he gets to land he just buys a ton of alcohol and gets hammered it really wouldn't suprise me if his liver gave up tonight.

But you can't say anything bad about navy guy to my fiancee he'd defend him to the death I know he would he's know him a lot longer than me. But it makes me wonder would he defend me if they said anything about me, I'm sure they must have by now.

I've given him an ultimatum which might not have been the best idea but there was no real decision apart from that day when he cried into my shoulder then that weekend just changed back instantly.

I don't think I do have the strength no. I just wonder what my Mum would have said she thought the world of him as do all my family. Maybe my Dad not so much now but my dog still loves him.

 

[mid_gen]

If you're one of those conservative self-righteous anti-drug types, and he's a bit more of a level headed liberal who might have the odd smoke, then just give it up now. It'll always be a bone of contention and as you're not of that opinion through logic or reason he's not going to change your mind. Save both of you the grief.

 

[Bexx]

If you're one of those conservative self-righteous anti-drug types, and he's a bit more of a level headed liberal who might have the odd smoke, then just give it up now. It'll always be a bone of contention and as you're not of that opinion through logic or reason he's not going to change your mind. Save both of you the grief.

I wouldn't say I'm self-righteous no but as I said I don't agree with taking drugs. I work in a pharmacy and see people everyday who are addicted and you can become addicted to anything and everything. Plus I'd rather see if we can work something out and save our relationship first.

 

[413x]

Definitely try and work things out.
Mine going was the worst thing in my life. It's something that I may never get over

If you want it to work I'd try everything.

 

[mid_gen]

If you stay together there are two options. You'll be forever having arguments about it, or you'll lie to each other.

I assume you don't drink or smoke btw as these are terribly damaging and addictive drugs.

 

[RDM]

I wouldn't say I'm self-righteous no but as I said I don't agree with taking drugs. I work in a pharmacy and see people everyday who are addicted and you can become addicted to anything and everything. Plus I'd rather see if we can work something out and save our relationship first.

My concern would be the hiding it from you rather than the drug use itself. That isn't healthy.

 

[Bexx]

Definitely try and work things out.
Mine going was the worst thing in my life. It's something that I may never get over

If you want it to work I'd try everything.

I always thought I'd never be with anyone who takes drugs. Obviously now I'm almost 6 years in and I love the bones of him so I'm willing to adjust my feelings to compromise with him. I just feel like he's not willing to do it in return, he wants to be able to take whatever he wants whenever he wants.

I'm just hoping tomorrow he doesn't tell me he doesn't love me anymore and wants to end it

 

[Bexx]

If you stay together there are two options. You'll be forever having arguments about it, or you'll lie to each other.

I assume you don't drink or smoke btw as these are terribly damaging and addictive drugs.

I'd never lie to him though that's the difference. No I don't smoke and only drink occasionally but that's legal and at least you know what's in it

My concern would be the hiding it from you rather than the drug use itself. That isn't healthy.

I suppose in his head it's logical, I never asked. I've told him I never asked because I never thought it was something you'd do, which he agrees with.

 

[Pudney]

I always thought I'd never be with anyone who takes drugs. Obviously now I'm almost 6 years in and I love the bones of him so I'm willing to adjust my feelings to compromise with him. I just feel like he's not willing to do it in return, he wants to be able to take whatever he wants whenever he wants.

I'm just hoping tomorrow he doesn't tell me he doesn't love me anymore and wants to end it

The issue you have right now is that you may be willing to compromise now, but when you first found out you weren't. You were willing to make a minor (in his eyes) thing into a "me or the drug" choice. Inevitably that makes people feel backed into a corner, and if they don't view what they're doing as particularly destructive it's likely to cause resentment. This is where I think he's at now and quite frankly his navy mate is probably making it worse.

Right now I'd be focusing less on the use of drugs, and more on the handling of the situation by you both.

 

[Bexx]

The issue you have right now is that you may be willing to compromise now, but when you first found out you weren't. You were willing to make a minor (in his eyes) thing into a "me or the drug" choice. Inevitably that makes people feel backed into a corner, and if they don't view what they're doing as particularly destructive it's likely to cause resentment. This is where I think he's at now and quite frankly his navy mate is probably making it worse.

Right now I'd be focusing less on the use of drugs, and more on the handling of the situation by you both.

I can see that I've probably made it worse but it's a knee-jerk reaction that I'm sure plenty of others have made.

I'm hoping we can hang on until his mate goes back to the navy, see what it's like when it's just us

 

[Pudney]

I can see that I've probably made it worse but it's a knee-jerk reaction that I'm sure plenty of others have made.

I'm hoping we can hang on until his mate goes back to the navy, see what it's like when it's just us

It definitely will be a reaction others have made, and is completely normal. Unfortunately it tends not to be the most efficient way of handling things.

Honestly I think you shouldn't pin your hopes on the navy mate leaving and making things better. You have to consider whether you're happy with your partner experimenting with drugs (as it sounds like that's where he is now) and also be prepared to take a stand if things go too far.

I would point out drug taking doesn't necessarily have to have a bad impact on a persons life, and is kinda common in people in the mid twenties as they experience additional freedom and disposable income. Unfortunately, if things go wrong with drugs it's never small.

 

[Rich1988]

You're views, whether they are right or wrong are obviously fixed, some drugs are arguably not very damaging such as weed and MDMA, but others can be incredibly harmful if you have an addictive personality or are easily persuaded to do things.

It sounds like his 'navy friend' is a bad influence to be honest but at the end of the day hes doing it of his own volition. It sounds like he is deliberatley acting in some ways to rile you up or get a rise but either way doing pretty much any substance that you don't know its exact origin has risks. The fact he couldn't promise you he wouldn't do coke or heroin sets off alarm bells to me, heroin especially can and does totally destroy peoples lives and I have personally witnessed this.

You need to sit down and have a serious discussion with him about it, because it seems like you are both drifting apart, if you cant come to some kind of compromise that you are both happy with, (and you can trust him to keep to, honestly trust him not fool yourself into trusting him). If you can't do this it might be time to think about having some time apart.

You got together when you were still both developing as people and as sad as it can be, people do change and drift apart. be it personality or lifestyle choices such as who you choose to spend time with or what activities you do.

Whatever you do just be honest with yourself as wasting your life with someone you are not happy with really is a waste of time and you will really regret it!

 

[Bexx]

It definitely will be a reaction others have made, and is completely normal. Unfortunately it tends not to be the most efficient way of handling things.

Honestly I think you shouldn't pin your hopes on the navy mate leaving and making things better. You have to consider whether you're happy with your partner experimenting with drugs (as it sounds like that's where he is now) and also be prepared to take a stand if things go too far.

I would point out drug taking doesn't necessarily have to have a bad impact on a persons life, and is kinda common in people in the mid twenties as they experience additional freedom and disposable income. Unfortunately, if things go wrong with drugs it's never small.

My hope for him going back to work is more so that it's just us and we can work on things, he's not home to be a distraction. The last 3 weeks he's not helped with shopping, given a rude remark about it, spent the last 2 fridays at navy guys house, both saturdays with him too, not to mention the occasional visit to help him pack and go to alton towers. I feel that if he wasn't here we'd have more of a chance

You're views, whether they are right or wrong are obviously fixed, some drugs are arguably not very damaging such as weed and MDMA, but others can be incredibly harmful if you have an addictive personality or are easily persuaded to do things.

It sounds like his 'navy friend' is a bad influence to be honest but at the end of the day hes doing it of his own volition. It sounds like he is deliberatley acting in some ways to rile you up or get a rise but either way doing pretty much any substance that you don't know its exact origin has risks. The fact he couldn't promise you he wouldn't do coke or heroin sets off alarm bells to me, heroin especially can and does totally destroy peoples lives and I have personally witnessed this.

You need to sit down and have a serious discussion with him about it, because it seems like you are both drifting apart, if you cant come to some kind of compromise that you are both happy with, (and you can trust him to keep to, honestly trust him not fool yourself into trusting him). If you can't do this it might be time to think about having some time apart.

You got together when you were still both developing as people and as sad as it can be, people do change and drift apart. be it personality or lifestyle choices such as who you choose to spend time with or what activities you do.

Whatever you do just be honest with yourself as wasting your life with someone you are not happy with really is a waste of time and you will really regret it!

His words when I asked him if he'd ever do heroin were "no because I don't like needles" I said there are other ways to take it ad he nodded and said "true"

I know it's all a waste of time currently but obviously 6 years is a long time and I'm not prepared to just give up. Will hopefully bring him home tonight and talk about it in the morning. Right now I'm waiting for him to tell me when it's alright to get a taxi to the house, even though I've asked can I be one of the first there as I don't want to walk in and have everyone looking at me.

 

[Rich1988]

I know it's all a waste of time currently but obviously 6 years is a long time and I'm not prepared to just give up. Will hopefully bring him home tonight and talk about it in the morning. Right now I'm waiting for him to tell me when it's alright to get a taxi to the house, even though I've asked can I be one of the first there as I don't want to walk in and have everyone looking at me.

What I will say is that you shouldnt think of the 6 years as wasted, even if you were to split up right now, (not that you are obviously just as an example) you would still have had 6 probably mostly great years to look back on, gained loads of experienced and probably grown into a better person because of it. Much better to know when to leave than allow to the relationship to become sour/stale and resent the person you're with, (again first hand experience of this happening).

 

[Steampunk]

I know it's all a waste of time currently but obviously 6 years is a long time and I'm not prepared to just give up. Will hopefully bring him home tonight and talk about it in the morning. Right now I'm waiting for him to tell me when it's alright to get a taxi to the house, even though I've asked can I be one of the first there as I don't want to walk in and have everyone looking at me.

Six years is a long time, but that period between your teens and mid/late twenties is when people go from being children to being adults. These are big changes, and why couples who meet young often break apart at this point, because they realise that they have grown apart, often because they have become different from who they were in their teens. Couples often become incompatible as each party grows up.

Yes his friend is a bad influence and things will get better when he goes away, but can you live with this whole episode repeating every time navy mate is home and wants to party with his best friend? At best, your bloke is going to hide if from you, or at worst do it in your face and make you be the bad guy if you make any issue about it.

If it is a question of navy bloke being a bad influence and leading your boyfriend into things he wants to do anyway, short of cutting navy mate out of his life, he is always going to do things you don't like.