The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
- Thread starter mattyprice4004
- Start date
I will, I have to. Can't handle this forever.
I have a tough weekend ahead.
Old house final clear - this isn't going to be fun
Ex anniversary (which Google kindly reminded me of)
Move into house share
Then I'll sort out doctor. - I'm not scared or too stubborn to go. Just a bit fearful if it doesn't work
Talk about over thinking things, you got your heart broken and now you're lonely and depressed. The only thing that's going to help is keeping yourself busy with hobbies, try and get out with friends, make positive steps towards improving yourself as a person like going to the gym or some other form of exercise you enjoy; and then as the weeks and months pass you'll gradually notice improvements. It might take 6 months or 2 years but eventually you'll better. I felt awful after my first break up and it lasted for what felt like ages, eventually though I got over on it just like everyone does.
It's much more than that. The relationship was a temporary shield masking it.
Way I am now is like how I was 7 years ago. Only now it's much more apparent
It does run in both my sisters and parents
First night in shared accommodation since University. Feels like just come out of it too.
So old place is fully gone now,
No need to contact the ex at all. (bar any financial problems with deposit return etc)
Very strange feeling.
Still feeling 'flat' and then regretful.
Still very much miss my dog.
Next step is getting back to routine - gym, job sleep, gym job sleep
Weekends are going to suck
Can't help but wonder how happy she is, trying not to, and haven't looked at her fb in a couple of weeks. Only as I know I'll see her happy!
So obviously still not over her.
After routine, I need to sort my job disappointment out
Decide if I need pro help (probably)
This flat feeling isn't worse than before, but it's more worrying as I feel less - no laughter, regret, sad but not teary
So old place is fully gone now,
No need to contact the ex at all. (bar any financial problems with deposit return etc)
Very strange feeling.
Still feeling 'flat' and then regretful.
Still very much miss my dog.
Next step is getting back to routine - gym, job sleep, gym job sleep
Weekends are going to suck
Can't help but wonder how happy she is, trying not to, and haven't looked at her fb in a couple of weeks. Only as I know I'll see her happy!
So obviously still not over her.
After routine, I need to sort my job disappointment out
Decide if I need pro help (probably)
This flat feeling isn't worse than before, but it's more worrying as I feel less - no laughter, regret, sad but not teary
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- Joined
- 9 Dec 2012
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go out and pump girls it will make you forget and feel much better.
Never been able to
Its because although I want to.. I don't really want to
Also that is my worst social anxiety problem
A girl I think looks good, I know I'll have nothing in common with
No experience doing it, no self confidence and over thinking.. Disaster!
You would think it wouldn't be a problem with my "nothing in life matters" view, but my stupid head still makes me worried about it!
- Joined
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You don't need anything in common, its just sex and giving you the idea that there will always be someone else out there.
I was depressed and this has help me, the pump and dump. Just get online sign up to pof and start chatting,. its summer trust me sign up to POF tonight.
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Soldato
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Think we all need to chip in to get Alex a flesh-light?
Soldato
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Or some testosterone supplements.
Associate
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Apologies for the long post in advance, just in a real predicament.
Hi, Well then, I've been meeting up with a girl since February, the most amazing times have been spent together. I learned that she was abused by her ex, and he's the type to come around hers a little aggressive etc... I'm the complete opposite, not a bum, have a solid job etc....
I have met her mum, sisters, as she has like wise with me. We are very serious on an emotional level, we used to have intercourse / foreplay daily, but about 1.5 month ago stopped as she had hurt her hip (sciatica). It is now fixed and I have brought it up in convo as to why we aren't and she says just, there's no reason but she will start soon but she hasn't. I know she was very sexually active with all her other partners from what she says, and she admitted this.
I have a real feeling she isn't with me not only as I am a little weighty (but as she said, this didn't stop her at first at all)... but maybe I have been 'too' nice to her, in the sense I have treated her like an angel I'd say, took her everywhere and anywhere, etc.. this is definitely not the case with other partners she has had, she admits this openly... maybe she is just on this this emotional high with me, and sex hasn't had to be a requirement she feels, which of course it isn't, I am not a pushy guy in that sense.
I have realised whilst she's been with me a random phone number texting her a lot which she hasn't saved his name but a quick glance confirmed it is her ex. I am pretty much afraid she has either been meeting him / in touch even though when I mentioned when drunk "forget the rest" ... Either she has to talk to him because of his abusive ways or because she still has a link with him and maybe she is doing sexual things with him, as he was quite good looking (I'm a bit fat I'll be honest but lost 10kg whilst being with her)...
Now I know she loves me she rings me every morning without fail and see's me daily... She speaks all the time how she thinks I will fit in with her family and she wants marriage etc it's obvious even her sisters have said this quietly to me. I'm just not sure how to approach this.
The thing is, I meet her daily, for a good solid 4-5 hours. Speak throughout the day otherwise, so to be fair, its not possible she is meeting him. It could be the case I thought that she is 'letting him down' lightly, and maybe I should wait and this may die down (Her contacting him).
Another thing, I am sure she wants me, she has me around her sister's children, they adore me (wrote me a card etc) and I am around hers in evenings, (Just not in bed always, well not in a while haha).
My graduation is in two weeks, and she has hinted that she would like to be there (she suggested it, not me). She mentions about meeting her dad etc, when we are ready to make an absolute commitment (Engage) or something, i just don't see these types of conversations being discussed without intent, especially when I have met her entire family on more than one occasion (Daily near enough here and there).
First of, we went tennis (her suggestion) yesterday, with my mother and sister, herself, and her older sister, who for the first time met my mum. She had an amazing time, but it seemed my girlfriend was a bit quiet. After the night, her older sister said she had an amazing time, considered us family etc, and said that her sister (my gf) will have a loving long life with us etc....
Right, well I said, as a independent person, I have been getting mixed signals as of late, and she said there is no doubt she loves me to an exceptional level...as well as my family she gets a long with great and knows I will be perfect for her, and no one else has got along with her and I the way we do when we are together. The little things annoy me as in, she has woke me up every morning, but today she didn't text me morning, I rang her, she was okay on the phone, but not special....
Would it be wrong of me, when her sister said I am here for you two no matter what to suggest that I feel I have a little concern in regards to her ex? ... I don't want my girlfriend to flip if I asked her in person, and maybe her sister knows a bit more than me and can explain to me the scenario.
Another thing, if I was to mention to my girl that I feel she is talking to her ex, well she is going to ask how do I know, as it is one long number (she hasn't saved his name on her phone / changed it).... The reason I know is one day we was drunk and her phone buzzed and the text read something which pretty much confirmed it, and as a weirdo I rang the number (on my phone, with no caller ID) and as I guessed, was a guy...
Again, I am going to be honest, I'm pretty torn right now. She just messaged saying would my mum and sister want to go for a slushy together later, as we couldn't last night...these mixed signals are crazy. It seems though that she wants to integrate heavily with my family though, and this hasn't been the case with any of her previous relationships, I know that for sure. We aren't getting enough us time....but when I said that, she said its not all about sex.
Would really like some advice. Thanks
Conclusion:
Hi, Well then, I've been meeting up with a girl since February, the most amazing times have been spent together. I learned that she was abused by her ex, and he's the type to come around hers a little aggressive etc... I'm the complete opposite, not a bum, have a solid job etc....
I have met her mum, sisters, as she has like wise with me. We are very serious on an emotional level, we used to have intercourse / foreplay daily, but about 1.5 month ago stopped as she had hurt her hip (sciatica). It is now fixed and I have brought it up in convo as to why we aren't and she says just, there's no reason but she will start soon but she hasn't. I know she was very sexually active with all her other partners from what she says, and she admitted this.
I have a real feeling she isn't with me not only as I am a little weighty (but as she said, this didn't stop her at first at all)... but maybe I have been 'too' nice to her, in the sense I have treated her like an angel I'd say, took her everywhere and anywhere, etc.. this is definitely not the case with other partners she has had, she admits this openly... maybe she is just on this this emotional high with me, and sex hasn't had to be a requirement she feels, which of course it isn't, I am not a pushy guy in that sense.
I have realised whilst she's been with me a random phone number texting her a lot which she hasn't saved his name but a quick glance confirmed it is her ex. I am pretty much afraid she has either been meeting him / in touch even though when I mentioned when drunk "forget the rest" ... Either she has to talk to him because of his abusive ways or because she still has a link with him and maybe she is doing sexual things with him, as he was quite good looking (I'm a bit fat I'll be honest but lost 10kg whilst being with her)...
Now I know she loves me she rings me every morning without fail and see's me daily... She speaks all the time how she thinks I will fit in with her family and she wants marriage etc it's obvious even her sisters have said this quietly to me. I'm just not sure how to approach this.
The thing is, I meet her daily, for a good solid 4-5 hours. Speak throughout the day otherwise, so to be fair, its not possible she is meeting him. It could be the case I thought that she is 'letting him down' lightly, and maybe I should wait and this may die down (Her contacting him).
Another thing, I am sure she wants me, she has me around her sister's children, they adore me (wrote me a card etc) and I am around hers in evenings, (Just not in bed always, well not in a while haha).
My graduation is in two weeks, and she has hinted that she would like to be there (she suggested it, not me). She mentions about meeting her dad etc, when we are ready to make an absolute commitment (Engage) or something, i just don't see these types of conversations being discussed without intent, especially when I have met her entire family on more than one occasion (Daily near enough here and there).
First of, we went tennis (her suggestion) yesterday, with my mother and sister, herself, and her older sister, who for the first time met my mum. She had an amazing time, but it seemed my girlfriend was a bit quiet. After the night, her older sister said she had an amazing time, considered us family etc, and said that her sister (my gf) will have a loving long life with us etc....
Right, well I said, as a independent person, I have been getting mixed signals as of late, and she said there is no doubt she loves me to an exceptional level...as well as my family she gets a long with great and knows I will be perfect for her, and no one else has got along with her and I the way we do when we are together. The little things annoy me as in, she has woke me up every morning, but today she didn't text me morning, I rang her, she was okay on the phone, but not special....
Would it be wrong of me, when her sister said I am here for you two no matter what to suggest that I feel I have a little concern in regards to her ex? ... I don't want my girlfriend to flip if I asked her in person, and maybe her sister knows a bit more than me and can explain to me the scenario.
Another thing, if I was to mention to my girl that I feel she is talking to her ex, well she is going to ask how do I know, as it is one long number (she hasn't saved his name on her phone / changed it).... The reason I know is one day we was drunk and her phone buzzed and the text read something which pretty much confirmed it, and as a weirdo I rang the number (on my phone, with no caller ID) and as I guessed, was a guy...
Again, I am going to be honest, I'm pretty torn right now. She just messaged saying would my mum and sister want to go for a slushy together later, as we couldn't last night...these mixed signals are crazy. It seems though that she wants to integrate heavily with my family though, and this hasn't been the case with any of her previous relationships, I know that for sure. We aren't getting enough us time....but when I said that, she said its not all about sex.
Would really like some advice. Thanks
Conclusion:
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So to give you guys an update... (I'm giving an update anyway, even if you don't want one)
I met up with the ex last night and we just chatted like normal friends. Talked about work, family, friends, what's new/happened in the last year etc. It was all fine up until we were about to leave - I gave him a hug goodbye (like I do with most friends) and he acted a bit awkwardly like he didn't know what to do. I said "why are you looking so awkward?" as a joke, which I now feel bad for saying because I probably made him feel even more awkward/embarrassed. He said speak to you later and I said bye. Not heard from him since.
I feel fine after meeting him and I think the attraction is no longer there anymore.. Probably because of his new beard.
Oh dear
In the case of breakups - generally Women get over breakups quicker than men. Not to say they feel less just that they feel it over a shorter time. (ie more intense) Whereas guys tend to take longer and mope about the lost relationship.
At least thats been my experience and women and male friends ive spoken too
Soldato
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1. Don't check her phone again and don't admit to having done so. If she was abused by her ex partner, she'll probably see an echo of his behaviour in what you've done.
2. You can however ask her straight up if she's in contact with him. As long as you're not overly aggressive about it, it shouldn't be a big deal. If she gets very defensive, then you can worry a little.
3. Regarding the intimacy issues, well do something about it. Do something special to get her in the mood and initiate! Its not rocket science.
Associate
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I'm totally not that kind of guy I've been extremely passive and quiet about the issue, it just took its toll. So I shouldn't at all when I mention to her if there is anyone or something on your mind, that who is the number you're texting when you're with me? - or just ask who it is next time she is replying?
Would it be wise to make a last ditch attempt and go grab some really nice flowers and see her reaction to them, then if it is not the greatest ill ask what's the issue?
Soldato
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I mostly worried bout the fact that you have been dating since February and you are already speaking about engagement/marriage. That is not even 6 months. On top of this, she's been speaking to her (abusive) ex while speaking about marriage with you.
My opinion? While you should consider her past, you can't just take all her past in with you. It does seem that you treat her to good. Speak to HER, face to face. Confront her about her ex/whatever else you want to speak to her about, and get answers.
My opinion? While you should consider her past, you can't just take all her past in with you. It does seem that you treat her to good. Speak to HER, face to face. Confront her about her ex/whatever else you want to speak to her about, and get answers.
Associate
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And hope she comes back kind of thing, she realises what she has been doing is wrong etc?
NB: the following are based on my opinion only and shouldn't be taken as proper relationship advice.
She's already taken precautions to hide her ex's contact details from you, it sounds like she has quite some baggage she's taken into this relationship and is using your family to create the appearance of a secure and functional relationship between the two of you, despite there being trust & physical contact issues between the two of you now, 6 months into a relationship that she seems keen to develop into a marriage/family.
I'd be very sceptical about this situation and many people will jump to the conclusion that she is having her cake and eating it (secure & family based relationship with you, and her ex as a bit on the side for thrills).
You can either confront her now and discuss the issue and risk hurting her feelings if it turns out to be an unfounded concern, or you can play the waiting game and try and gather some more information, either through investigation, or just by asking the right questions without giving your intentions away.
Ultimately if the trust has already gone and you feel unable / out of your depth communicating with the woman you love / want to marry and share a family with, it's already a very shaky foundation on which to develop a life-long relationship on. Depends on how desperate you are to be with this woman and how much you are willing to compromise your own piece of mind for a slice of romantic happiness. She probably knows you are unlikely to confront her and if you do, it won't be anything severe enough for her to worry about, giving her a lot of power in the relationship to do as she pleases.
Echo those saying try to be more forward in initiating and see if you can pick up some more signals that maybe will prompt you as to her true feelings, give you something less confrontational than reading her texts to base your "chat" with her on.