The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[Tacitus]

Thanks for that

I'm in a very weird place (yep 2 months past)
The past is the past as much as it can be now, No more contact, but I still wonder

Now the future is here, but negative about it

Decided to try the pof dating thing as a move on thing
Unfortunately last night had a date with a girl I really liked, didn't expect to find someone I liked. All seemed great, even a second date, but then seemed to get friend zoned. Still with second date.
And it knocked me. It knocked me as I liked the girl. And I know how rare that is as I have weird taste.
Because I'm an all or nothing person this was an 'all' situation. Have never got on so well before. I'm going to ask when I do get officially told I'm in the friend zone, 'could you tell me why'. It's Either cause I was too nice, not good enough looking or hopefully, she just isn't looking for that. But I can't be bothered with friend zone.

So the above was great while it was good, didn't think of me ex at all, but maybe it's too much for my yoyo emotions
I probably should talk to people I don't actually like. Distraction without the hope. But because I am an all or nothing person. I kind of suck at this

So now..
I'll also now have too much time at weekends as life is static now everything is sorted
I also can feel I'm NOT going to get out there friends or relationship wise. I know I should get out and do stuff, make myself, but honestly, I don't think I can do it. I know I should/must, but can't. Ugh.

So I'm going to have to hope anti depressants work. I'm too weak to do it on my own.

Other option is to actually accept being alone. Friends and relationship won't happen.
I really don't care about friends, which is terrible, at least I wanted a relationship!
Can this ever work? Can you really be happy alone? Is anyone who is alone and old happy?

The one good thing about accepting being alone would be I'm not reliant on others. Probably a terrible thing to do. Might not be possible.

Are you already on anti-depressants? If not, don't go on them. If I did that I'd view it as an admission that I'm too weak to do it myself, and that's the totally wrong mindset to be in.

My emotions were yoyo like too, but when you break the cycle you'll feel all the better for it. You need to not sit at home doing nothing because an idle mind or body will merely dwell on what has happened in the past. Go for a walk, take a book you've always wanted to read, visit a friend you've not seen in a while or visit a place quite nearby that takes your fancy.

I'm an all-or-nothing type of person too - how do you know you're friendzoned? But if that ship has sailed then don't overthink it. I'm sure a new ship in need of a captain will come along by shortly

You need to look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you are strong and worthy of love, that you'll not give up, but you'll accept it won't happen overnight. A combination of time and effort will go a long way... I promise you.

 

[413x]

Are you already on anti-depressants? If not, don't go on them. If I did that I'd view it as an admission that I'm too weak to do it myself, and that's the totally wrong mindset to be in.

My emotions were yoyo like too, but when you break the cycle you'll feel all the better for it. You need to not sit at home doing nothing because an idle mind or body will merely dwell on what has happened in the past. Go for a walk, take a book you've always wanted to read, visit a friend you've not seen in a while or visit a place quite nearby that takes your fancy.

I'm an all-or-nothing type of person too - how do you know you're friendzoned? But if that ship has sailed then don't overthink it. I'm sure a new ship in need of a captain will come along by shortly

You need to look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you are strong and worthy of love, that you'll not give up, but you'll accept it won't happen overnight. A combination of time and effort will go a long way... I promise you.

No I'm not on them yet. I've not sought any pro help yet.

I'm rejoining the gym now I've moved with a goal to cringily become more attractive.
Hopefully it will help with confidence too.

I'm pretty good at picking up signals 'I don't really want a relationship' is the clearest one.
The second 'date' just confused me. (I won't be friends as I got too attached). It's either looks or being too nice/not dominant enough as conversation was good.
I won't overthink it for long one it has sailed, but the second meet means it's not over, even though it probably is.
Question for me is - is she genuinely not looking for long term.. Or was it me.

Ha, never been able to do that but.. The mirror stuff, more so with the relationship damage.
I'm wondering if I even want to be with people at all as I always let others down or get let down. Dogs never let you down, but my job stops me getting one.
Maybe my head is defending my emotional state against being let down or letting down people. And that's why I want to be alone

Maybe I should work on my job lack of motivation first. No friends, job I don't enjoy, single. Don't like where I live... Maybe I should focus on leaving UK

 

[Narj]

I really don't think it's healthy to invest so much, convincing yourself that you "need" someone to be complete. That's how it comes across.

You really need to get sorted with some "me time" and be happy in yourself first, otherwise any sense of desperation is going to be evident to potential partners and probably scare them off. Do stuff for yourself btw, not because you think it'll make others like you more. Start a hobby/hobbies where you'll meet new people as well.

Good luck, though. I'd love a dog too!

If it makes you feel better, we may have sex bots in the near future. Women will be redundant and the human race will be doomed.

 

[413x]

I really don't think it's healthy to invest so much, convincing yourself that you "need" someone to be complete. That's how it comes across.

You really need to get sorted with some "me time" and be happy in yourself first, otherwise any sense of desperation is going to be evident to potential partners and probably scare them off. Do stuff for yourself btw, not because you think it'll make others like you more.

Good luck, though. I'd love a dog too!

If it makes you feel better, we may have sex bots in the near future. Women will be redundant and the human race will be doomed.

I'm just well aware online dating is more and more a looks, game. I completely agree on principle, but I don't want to get on my high horse and end up with nothing (if I want that)

We had a dog, she was like a child to me. Literally. Only thing that really still gets to me losing her.

I was weirdly thinking today.. How long is it going to be before I can get some artificial love! Or where you can download into the Internet where looks really won't matter!

 

[Narj]

I'm just well aware online dating is more and more a looks, game. I completely agree on principle, but I don't want to get on my high horse and end up with nothing (if I want that)

We had a dog, she was like a child to me. Literally. Only thing that really still gets to me losing her.

I really think that internet dating is a horribly skewed way to meet people which is why I'd avoid it like the plague. Group social activities/hobbies are much better. Seriously, find a sport or other activity you fancy. Do you play any instruments?

Not everyone enjoys their job so you're not alone there. The important thing is that you have an income with which you can begin to change things.

 

[413x]

I really think that internet dating is a horribly skewed way to meet people which is why I'd avoid it like the plague. Group social activities/hobbies are much better. Seriously, find a sport or other activity you fancy. Do you play any instruments?

Not everyone enjoys their job so you're not alone there. The important thing is that you have an income with which you can begin to change things.

Main thing about my job is I work alone. But it's a good job (on paper)
If it was more social, it would be miles better

From the little trial I've done pof just so damned skewed
Anyone desirable (guys/girls) has so many options you end up waiting for perfection
Thus one mistake and you're out. This is what I think happened here.
I'm not going to settle for a second best.
I don't play instruments thus sport is best.
I do agree overall with online dating. The whole concept encourages shallowness and just adds pressure.
Then you have the attention seekers.

Basically a massive mine field

 

[Rids]

Soooo that could have gone better.

I posted a couple of months back about a girl from the office I was getting along with, was wondering if I should attempt to take things further etc etc. I didn't really do anything, we continued to chat, we're close, always have a laugh etc.

Out last night with work, we've both probably had a couple too many. Gets to about 12am and everybody else is leaving, we both decide to stay for another, think we both knew where things were heading. Had a bit of a kiss and a cuddle on the dancefloor... and then she bursts into tears. I've managed to make a girl by kissing her, fantastic.

Went outside, had a bit of a chat, I think I'm firmly in the friend zone. She is a lovely girl but if anything we are too alike, there is definitely attraction but I'm not sure either of us feel that spark. She is now terrified we have ruined our friendship and that things will never be the same again, etc etc.

Hopefully it'll all blow over in a few days, I'm pretty chilled about it all, but thats something that I can tick off my bucket list at least - make a girl cry by kissing her. **** sake.

 

[Hades]

Soooo that could have gone better.

I posted a couple of months back about a girl from the office I was getting along with, was wondering if I should attempt to take things further etc etc. I didn't really do anything, we continued to chat, we're close, always have a laugh etc.

Out last night with work, we've both probably had a couple too many. Gets to about 12am and everybody else is leaving, we both decide to stay for another, think we both knew where things were heading. Had a bit of a kiss and a cuddle on the dancefloor... and then she bursts into tears. I've managed to make a girl by kissing her, fantastic.

Went outside, had a bit of a chat, I think I'm firmly in the friend zone. She is a lovely girl but if anything we are too alike, there is definitely attraction but I'm not sure either of us feel that spark. She is now terrified we have ruined our friendship and that things will never be the same again, etc etc.

Hopefully it'll all blow over in a few days, I'm pretty chilled about it all, but thats something that I can tick off my bucket list at least - make a girl cry by kissing her. **** sake.

What reason did she give for bursting into tears?

 

[Nitefly]

Soooo that could have gone better.

I posted a couple of months back about a girl from the office I was getting along with, was wondering if I should attempt to take things further etc etc. I didn't really do anything, we continued to chat, we're close, always have a laugh etc.

Out last night with work, we've both probably had a couple too many. Gets to about 12am and everybody else is leaving, we both decide to stay for another, think we both knew where things were heading. Had a bit of a kiss and a cuddle on the dancefloor... and then she bursts into tears. I've managed to make a girl by kissing her, fantastic.

Went outside, had a bit of a chat, I think I'm firmly in the friend zone. She is a lovely girl but if anything we are too alike, there is definitely attraction but I'm not sure either of us feel that spark. She is now terrified we have ruined our friendship and that things will never be the same again, etc etc.

Hopefully it'll all blow over in a few days, I'm pretty chilled about it all, but thats something that I can tick off my bucket list at least - make a girl cry by kissing her. **** sake.

lol - I'd chalk that one up as a funny story to tell your friends.

 

[Rids]

What reason did she give for bursting into tears?

I'm the person at work she gets on with most, she feels she can tell everything, we have such a laugh, don't want to ruin it... Friend zone.

Think she was worried that she'd just ruined our friendship.

 

[Hades]

I'm the person at work she gets on with most, she feels she can tell everything, we have such a laugh, don't want to ruin it... Friend zone.

Think she was worried that she'd just ruined our friendship.

Yup, friendzoned

Well you have to work together so definitely don't want awkwardness at work. Be the bigger man and tell her it's a pity as you'd have been great together, but it's OK and you'll stay friends. Don't chase her. Actively seek other people and subtly let her know in conversation. If she has any doubts then it may change her mind when she know's you're moving on and looking for others. But if it doesn't change her mind then you've probably got a good drinking partner and access to her friends Perhaps not the relationship you wanted but there aren't any big negatives.

 

[malachi]

I'm the person at work she gets on with most, she feels she can tell everything, we have such a laugh, don't want to ruin it... Friend zone.

Think she was worried that she'd just ruined our friendship.

Sorry but that sounds like she has issues....why wouldn't you want to be with someone you get on with?!?!?!!friendship or not.

 

[Fuzz]

BIRD LOGIC!

 

[Fuzz]

 

[Narj]

<woman logic>

Oh my God, so, so true!

 

[Tacitus]

Main thing about my job is I work alone. But it's a good job (on paper)
If it was more social, it would be miles better

From the little trial I've done pof just so damned skewed
Anyone desirable (guys/girls) has so many options you end up waiting for perfection
Thus one mistake and you're out. This is what I think happened here.
I'm not going to settle for a second best.
I don't play instruments thus sport is best.
I do agree overall with online dating. The whole concept encourages shallowness and just adds pressure.
Then you have the attention seekers.

Basically a massive mine field

Seriously, don't do this to yourself.

Yes, internet dating is largely based on physical attraction, but trust me there are girls out there with some basic criteria which me might all share. For instance, my Tinder criteria for a right swipe includes a written profile, a shot on your own, and a shot which includes the entirety of oneself. Many girls I've spoke to share these simple requirements.

What I did was I paid (£3.10) for one month of Tinder premium, located myself in the nearest city and just spam clicked right to everyone, then sorted everyone I matched with, unmatching those who didn't meet my criteria/didn't find attractive. Then spoke to the rest who I found most attractive. Interestingly, the girl I'm meeting for a fourth date next week messaged me first, and we seem to get along really well.

You just never know with these things, but you can take steps to maximise your chances.

 

[413x]

Seriously, don't do this to yourself.

Yes, internet dating is largely based on physical attraction, but trust me there are girls out there with some basic criteria which me might all share. For instance, my Tinder criteria for a right swipe includes a written profile, a shot on your own, and a shot which includes the entirety of oneself. Many girls I've spoke to share these simple requirements.

What I did was I paid (£3.10) for one month of Tinder premium, located myself in the nearest city and just spam clicked right to everyone, then sorted everyone I matched with, unmatching those who didn't meet my criteria/didn't find attractive. Then spoke to the rest who I found most attractive. Interestingly, the girl I'm meeting for a fourth date next week messaged me first, and we seem to get along really well.

You just never know with these things, but you can take steps to maximise your chances.

Will worth the money and only has to work once.

Well I'm seriously considering visiting gp with the strong possibility of tablets
I just am not making any progress. The house share isn't really social which is a Shame
I just can't beat my thoughts (really hate that I can't and don't know why). Maybe it's because I don't really want to?

Think the loneliness and lack of belief in my job doesn't help
I'm looking at changing my job which would lead to a huge pay cut. But think it has to happen. It's one of those jobs which should probably be abandoned anyway (by the company)

 

[Tacitus]

Will worth the money and only has to work once.

Well I'm seriously considering visiting gp with the strong possibility of tablets
I just am not making any progress. The house share isn't really social which is a Shame
I just can't beat my thoughts (really hate that I can't and don't know why). Maybe it's because I don't really want to?

Think the loneliness and lack of belief in my job doesn't help
I'm looking at changing my job which would lead to a huge pay cut. But think it has to happen. It's one of those jobs which should probably be abandoned anyway (by the company)

You don't need the tablets, they'll only damage your confidence and sense of self-motivation. You, not the tablets, need to overcome how you're feeling.

It's a difficult time, but in time you will feel better about stuff. These things take time and you need to do what you can to keep your mind busy.

 

[413x]

You don't need the tablets, they'll only damage your confidence and sense of self-motivation. You, not the tablets, need to overcome how you're feeling.

It's a difficult time, but in time you will feel better about stuff. These things take time and you need to do what you can to keep your mind busy.

It's just I don't know if I can. It's almost like part of me wants to be like this and other part doesn't
My mum needed them.
The relationship breakdown has brought everything I felt before relationship to the top. It's literally like stepping back in time 6 years.
I think the relationship was like a shield from it. I had a purpose and goal within it. Thus It was probably masking the underlying problem.. But not well enough. Looking back I should have been a much more motivated person. Probably helped damage the way she felt.

Without that goal I don't think I can get out of this.
With work being bad for me (lonely and seems pointless) and not great in isolation (don't think it's a viable project) I haven't got much in my life.
If work does go, (big part wants it to) I'll either collapse totally or just do something crazy like complete life change. - can't call which way this will go!
As said, wage will be desimated, and haven't a clue what I'll do.

Hmm

 

[Tacitus]

It's just I don't know if I can. It's almost like part of me wants to be like this and other part doesn't
My mum needed them.
The relationship breakdown has brought everything I felt before relationship to the top. It's literally like stepping back in time 6 years.
I think the relationship was like a shield from it. I had a purpose and goal within it. Thus It was probably masking the underlying problem.. But not well enough. Looking back I should have been a much more motivated person. Probably helped damage the way she felt.

Without that goal I don't think I can get out of this.
With work being bad for me (lonely and seems pointless) and not great in isolation (don't think it's a viable project) I haven't got much in my life.
If work does go, (big part wants it to) I'll either collapse totally or just do something crazy like complete life change. - can't call which way this will go!
As said, wage will be desimated, and haven't a clue what I'll do.

Hmm

You just need to find ways of distracting your mind, and you need new goals. Coming out of a relationship is hard, my life goal one year ago was to graduate from uni, move to Switzerland with my ex (where she's from, she moved back there March last year) and start my life there. That fell through entirely and now I'm without any long-term goals or plans other than to be successful... a target I don't even know what looks like.

You just need to fill the void left by the absence of these aspirations with a plethora of smaller goals that depend upon you and only you. I've been back to the gym this week for the first time in months and although I'm feeling the burn, I feel good about it, might make a gym target. This is prime you time, you need to work on the aspects or characteristics of yourself you are dissatisfied with in order to become the person you ideally want to be, a better you. You need to address the underlying problems, not eradicate any remaining self confidence by convincing yourself you need a pill. I've got family members who chug anti depressants like they're skittles and it'll do you no long-term good.