The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

I fancy boys said:
Time to throw my hat in the ring.

I broke up with my long term partner about 6 months ago. The breakup was amicable, and we still spoke every month or so as a general catchup and things were fine. I really felt like i was doing ok, getting things back on track and building confidence up again.

Then we met up the other day just to say goodbye before she moves out of the area, and she tells me that on her recent holiday she had a one night stand with some guy.

I just froze, i honestly just didn't know what to do with myself. I don't know where the feelings even came from - i had come to terms that it would eventually happen with some guy and thought I was ok with it, but now I really feel like I'm back to square one.

I feel an absolute wreck and perhaps even worse than when we first broke up.

I'm aware that a). We probably should have just cut ties. b). She can do what she wants now, and shouldn't feel guilty about it.

But i just needed to vent. I was doing fine until she told me, so I really wish i just never knew, and right now i just absolutely hate her guts.
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She also done it on purpose to test your reactions.

Don't think for even one second she meant otherwise. That's straight from the female playbook.

See it this way, you can't do anything about it. Nothing, nada, FA. Somehow I always find peace and comfort in that thought and it help me get over whatever I'm sulking about a bit quicker.

Move on, get on Tinder/whatever cool kids use this week and get your love life started again.
 
Dr House said:
Bit strange situation here. So I'm dating this girl. She is lovey, Eastern European, we have fun together, she is willing to travel with me, exeptuonally attractive even for the sort of girls I have normally dated, but she has something against my car. I know it's wired but she hates fancy cars and it really bothers her. I have no plans to sell it but it's one of the reasons she just wants to keep things causal between us.

She associates fancy cars with the wrong sort of guy
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I had a friend who had this problem at Uni, but it was more that his girlfriend didn't like the fact his parents had bought him a flash car and he really stood out because all of the other students had normal cars. It was also that she thought he was a bit of a **** because he didn't really know the value of money because he was handed everything on a plate.

Just tell her it's your hard earned money and she doesn't have to go out in it. Could you get something a bit more practical, maybe she doesn't like the attention or getting in/out?
 
elmarko said:
Yeah, the Portsmouth area isn't too bad, well Southsea but being by the coast there is a reduction in local population within say 20 miles (as for half the possible directions 20 miles is in the sea!)

I can imagine some cities are much worse mind & others better.
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Found no one of worth on the apps, my work mate hasn't either. His gf from tinder he said he just got bored of, another (girl) is pinning her hopes on one guy lol.
I found mine through a social group
 
Tbf, can you get a measure of a person in X seconds (and what exactly are you looking for, and for how long)?

If the answer is no, then all speed dating derivatives and apps, brewing on top of first impressions, pot luck and gut reactions, will fail you on average. Some are luckier than others of course, and you do stand a statistically higher chance of meeting 'someone/anyone' as opposed to when you are totally slothered and cruise like an unguided missile at a loud, steamy venue. So pick what fits your personality, experience and outlook.

The Pokemon Go app on the other hand -- what a great excuse to say hello, so many puns and innuendos -- that game is a real national treasure... :3
 
So I've actually noticed the pattern to all my "relationships"


Meet a few people for sex, some never see again, some get on well with and see again, some jist become a shag if we're both horny and in the same city but thats it.


The ones i get one with meet often start doing things that aren't just sex (dinner, events, cinema etc) and become good friends.

As this happens sex tends to drop off in frequency as its no ponger the reason we're meeting but the amount of time needed increases (soon becomes staying over for the weekend not just 2 hours for sex).

Which leads me to start meeting others for sex again which leads to me meeting someone i get on well with and furing that initial lots of sex and doing things cross over period tend to not have time for old friend who gets a bit annoyed/contacts me less and slowly drift apart.


Rinse and repeat.
 
Tefal said:
So I've actually noticed the pattern to all my "relationships"


Meet a few people for sex, some never see again, some get on well with and see again, some jist become a shag if we're both horny and in the same city but thats it.


The ones i get one with meet often start doing things that aren't just sex (dinner, events, cinema etc) and become good friends.

As this happens sex tends to drop off in frequency as its no ponger the reason we're meeting but the amount of time needed increases (soon becomes staying over for the weekend not just 2 hours for sex).

Which leads me to start meeting others for sex again which leads to me meeting someone i get on well with and furing that initial lots of sex and doing things cross over period tend to not have time for old friend who gets a bit annoyed/contacts me less and slowly drift apart.


Rinse and repeat.
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Sounds like you need to make sure you continue to bang after dinner, events, cinema etc :p
 
Tefal said:
So I've actually noticed the pattern to all my "relationships"


Meet a few people for sex, some never see again, some get on well with and see again, some jist become a shag if we're both horny and in the same city but thats it.


The ones i get one with meet often start doing things that aren't just sex (dinner, events, cinema etc) and become good friends.

As this happens sex tends to drop off in frequency as its no ponger the reason we're meeting but the amount of time needed increases (soon becomes staying over for the weekend not just 2 hours for sex).

Which leads me to start meeting others for sex again which leads to me meeting someone i get on well with and furing that initial lots of sex and doing things cross over period tend to not have time for old friend who gets a bit annoyed/contacts me less and slowly drift apart.


Rinse and repeat.
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I can see a problem with using sex as a sort of recreational drug: you can end up devaluing it completely. My point about saturation is still appropriate, as this sort of pattern will feed into other things you do and can sap away at your sense of place, time and value. Hence content not happy.

From what you've said so far, it appears to me that you may be much happier in a truly open relationship (you both must be happy with it) but are looking for something altogether conventional. Perhaps it's something worth considering.

As for hump days levelling off, erm, may I just state the obvious, and I don't mean any offence: have you tried asking for it? And there's nothing intrinsically wrong with this bit -- as you get to know each other, you'll want to build on something more concrete than your sex drives, and that'll take time away to do other things. Indeed, I bet there's more to you than your devilishly handsome bod, Tefal, why don't you think a woman may not be interested in the whole package? When you shed all pretence and appearances, what remain of Tefal the man?
 
datalol-jack said:
I can see a problem with using sex as a sort of recreational drug: you can end up devaluing it completely. My point about saturation is still appropriate, as this sort of pattern will feed into other things you do and can sap away at your sense of place, time and value. Hence content not happy.

From what you've said so far, it appears to me that you may be much happier in a truly open relationship (you both must be happy with it) but are looking for something altogether conventional. Perhaps it's something worth considering.

As for hump days levelling off, erm, may I just state the obvious, and I don't mean any offence: have you tried asking for it? And there's nothing intrinsically wrong with this bit -- as you get to know each other, you'll want to build on something more concrete than your sex drives, and that'll take time away to do other things. Indeed, I bet there's more to you than your devilishly handsome bod, Tefal, why don't you think a woman may not be interested in the whole package? When you shed all pretence and appearances, what remain of Tefal the man?
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I have asked for it it also becomes the more typical vanilla sex as asposed to the far more lassionate/eleborate sex it was at the begining.

Frequency does reduce as its meeting not just wehen horny if you get me.

As for relationships i dont like them as i dont build much of an emotional bond with anyone.

I usualy bail out at the point they start devloping real feelings.

From one/2 night stands a common phrase is "i can't understand why youre single I'd date you" etc.

I donlike my frends with benifits set up its just ots kore more complicated than **** buddy set up.

Atm there's about 4 that i hang out and do stuff with, they all live far.

1 manc, 1 cardif, 2 London.

Which means with me working nights that its usualy a weekend deal.
But if i see each one in turn thats onky seeing them once a month which causes problems too.

Tefal the man is simple, craves some kind of aproval and affection, doesn't trust anyone who shows him aproval and affection as he sees it as a lie and attempt at manipulation.


So tefal bounces around the world waiting to find somone he feels differnt about
 
Tefal said:
I usualy bail out at the point they start devloping real feelings.

Tefal the man is simple, craves some kind of aproval and affection, doesn't trust anyone who shows him aproval and affection as he sees it as a lie and attempt at manipulation.

So tefal bounces around the world waiting to find somone he feels differnt about
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You won't feel differently about anyone while you can't bring yourself to trust anyone fully. You have to be emotionally strong to open yourself up to someone (and potentially be hurt by them), but without that you won't experience a deep connection with another person.
 
Tefal said:
I have asked for it it also becomes the more typical vanilla sex as asposed to the far more lassionate/eleborate sex it was at the begining.

Frequency does reduce as its meeting not just wehen horny if you get me.

As for relationships i dont like them as i dont build much of an emotional bond with anyone.

I usualy bail out at the point they start devloping real feelings.

From one/2 night stands a common phrase is "i can't understand why youre single I'd date you" etc.

I donlike my frends with benifits set up its just ots kore more complicated than **** buddy set up.

Atm there's about 4 that i hang out and do stuff with, they all live far.

1 manc, 1 cardif, 2 London.

Which means with me working nights that its usualy a weekend deal.
But if i see each one in turn thats onky seeing them once a month which causes problems too.

Tefal the man is simple, craves some kind of aproval and affection, doesn't trust anyone who shows him aproval and affection as he sees it as a lie and attempt at manipulation.


So tefal bounces around the world waiting to find somone he feels differnt about
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I've been mulling this over dinner, as you do.

TL;DR: You can't hit your goal if the goalposts keep shifting. It's fine to change your mind, but mid-flight adjustments simply delay the inevitable: eventually you should make a choice and see it through to its consequences. Second-guessing yourself, women and the world won't be a productive pursuit for a chap in his prime, clearly still looking to make a connection. Statistically, if it's any help, most women out there aren't out to mess with you, get you or to lie to you. On the internet it's harder to believe than it should be. There may not be perfect, special someone out there (there are no perfect people) but your objective is far from unobtainable either. In short: sometimes Mohammed must go to the mountain. (Yes, I've been waiting to deploy that for a while.:D)


So let's break it down somewhat further:

Sex: how important is it, and how do you use it? Is it an affirmative, emotional activity or a substitute for a sex toy? Do you seek new experiences and thrills or stability? Can you turn it down? Can you turn it around, or do you feel that the other partner should be the imagination behind the spark of your tumbling activities?

Needless to say, no partner is perfect, always ready to go and can stimulate you like it's the first time, every time. It's biochemically impossible, for one, regardless of how creative both of you are. Ditto for humping your way to perfect love -- happens only in the movies. Lazy and boring days happen -- that's part of life. If you cannot channel this furstration on your own, try letting your partner take the lead and see where it takes you.

Women: just how low are we batting here? My uncle, with whom I disagree on plenty of things, has a maxim 'Young, sexy and not too bright', err, to put it in a family-friendly way -- it hasn't worked out that well for him. Indeed, a total mismatch of temperament, background, intelligence and experience can be the relational equivalent of slamming against a brick wall. It's hard to build a good relationship or emotions on the physical alone.

As a sidenote, pick any autobiography by a reasonably successful, vigourous bloke; what stands out in their memory of the women they were with, their wives, etc? It's actually seldom the kinky sex! Think about what you also find unappealing about your current arrangments: can't they keep up, not that interested or do they fall for the sex not the man? Would you be happier with a bloke? Can you really be friends, ie have the emotional attachment issues surfaced elsewhere in your network of friends? F-buddies versus friends with benefits, yes, is a less flexible configuration, with dare I say at least some 'friends' expecting more; choose and be open about it, otherwise it'll make both of you miserable.

Trust: it's not an autobahn and takes time to develop. Any other people in your life you have trouble with trusting? What is the source there: issues of surrendering control? Openess? Abandonment? Is it just the game part that's grating at you, as in: you see yourself in other people and not sure if you'll be equally played. And although putting yourself in someone else's shoes is helpful in understanding their motivations and behaviour, projecting yourself onto them is however not. Again, you'll be chasing shadows of yourself in other people ascribing something to them that they either don't have or are not doing.

Perhaps treating things as a less of a competition with yourself, gaming things, and setting yourself a goal of a long-term and more exclusive relationship through a mutual interest would push you over some of the worries that keep surfacing, or force you to deal with them head-on. The grass is always greener on the other side, as they say. But if you always chase it, chasing is the only thing you end up doing.

Work: You said you were content and the money/hobbies was alright, so how much of your pattern is down to working nights? A different sleep cycle, with events and time of day not blurring so much, has done a world of good to a lot of people. Depending on what stage you're in your career, it's an easy enough fix to investigate too. Do you feel also that it's (your job/profession/interest) something a partner could approve and respect, or do you feel somewhat guilty/embarrassed about what you do? No shame in admitting and working through that first.


Some thoughts there. I'm sure Steampunk has a few things to add too. I for now retire to digest said dinner as I feel a third of my blood being diverted to that very purpose as we speak, lol.:o
 
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datalol-jack said:
I can see a problem with using sex as a sort of recreational drug: you can end up devaluing it completely. My point about saturation is still appropriate, as this sort of pattern will feed into other things you do and can sap away at your sense of place, time and value. Hence content not happy.
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This is definitely becoming more and more common these days, along with some just not even being that bothered about it to start with.
 
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Ok **** it the 3 fit girls are back int he flat and have just been facebook video calling me all topless and the vollyball one wants me back

Screw morality and exitensial crisis,chicken **** and tequila
 
So just found out my fiancée is cheating on me...

Long story short I work away a lot at the moment, normally I'm either away for 2 weeks out of 4 and the other 2 I'm doing 14+ hours a day.

The reason why I do these hours is for the following reasons; too save for a deposit for a house and because I have just supported my missus through her PGCE. So for the last year I have been supporting us both on a single wage.

Came home last night and found the following around the house:

A condom wrapper of a brand I don't use down the back of the bed,
I used her laptop and it automatically logs into Skype showing me some interesting conversation.
Her web browser history has both pof and chat roulette on its history, I can only log onto the roulette one and it has again interesting conversations.

I have screen spotted them all and saved them to my memory stick.

Now the question is do I break up with her now or do I wait until I get the amount of deposit we need for a house (2-3months) and show her the amount take her to a few houses, then drop the bombshell on her cheating arse and kick her the **** out of my life?
 
Abraxaz1 said:
So just found out my fiancée is cheating on me...

Long story short I work away a lot at the moment, normally I'm either away for 2 weeks out of 4 and the other 2 I'm doing 14+ hours a day.

The reason why I do these hours is for the following reasons; too save for a deposit for a house and because I have just supported my missus through her PGCE. So for the last year I have been supporting us both on a single wage.

Came home last night and found the following around the house:

A condom wrapper of a brand I don't use down the back of the bed,
I used her laptop and it automatically logs into Skype showing me some interesting conversation.
Her web browser history has both pof and chat roulette on its history, I can only log onto the roulette one and it has again interesting conversations.

I have screen spotted them all and saved them to my memory stick.

Now the question is do I break up with her now or do I wait until I get the amount of deposit we need for a house (2-3months) and show her the amount take her to a few houses, then drop the bombshell on her cheating arse and kick her the **** out of my life?
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Get rid of her now IMO
 
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