The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Well when you put it like that it sounds a lot better.

It still comes across like you aren't really interested in being with her though, simply taking someone else next time isn't a good way to go about a relationship.
 
Rids said:
?????



In my mind I was trying to do something nice for her, invite her to the kind of party she wouldn't usually get to go to - I thought it would be a nice experience for her to get doled up and have a good time. These things are not an every week occurrence for me either, this was a once in a year thing for me at best!
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This seems off to me. Inviting your girlfriend to a party should not be "something nice for her" like you're doing her a big favour. As others have said, you don't seem very invested in her otherwise you'd just want her there with you.

Anyway, I mirror what some others have said, the insecurities would bother me but it was one night and she was drunk. I'd say my piece, forget about it and carry on as normal (if I felt for her).

If it's a casual thing just break up with her.
 
Rids said:
So I've been "sort-of" seeing somebody for the past year. I'm nearly 34, she has just turned 26, I say sort-of as although we are exclusively seeing each other we are both pretty much playing it by ear, keeping things very informal, no wanting to rush anything.
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It's been a year and....you don't want to rush things? Yea ok.

Clearly you are just not that into her. Let her go now so she can find someone who wants more than just a bit of fun, as she clearly feels more for you than you do for her, as you said yourself.
 
I'd say let her go. You're aren't totally invested and one year can be a long time. How well do you really know her? Is this her typical drunk behaviour or was she genuinely just misreading things?

I can understand why she might be annoyed at being sat at a table full of women and you, especially if she is in anyway a jealous type.

Regardless, if you can't be bothered to message her back then I'd say that's saying enough.

Personally, I'd get rid but then again, I'm terrible at taking my own advice also. Good luck!
 
Sounds like you are not into her and have been "sort-of" seeing her because its better to have someone than no one.

"sort-of" seeing someone for a year clearly explains it all......a year.....really!?!?!?! You are either together or not after 12 months.
 
Right, home from work now so figured I'll respond to what I can. I appreciate the responses received, while I don't agree with some of what has been said I do appreciate the time taken to post the replies, and I think the whole points of this was to get differing views on the situation.

I suppose a bit more background about me, I'm recently divorced, although I have been seperated from the ex-wife for over 3 years. It was, until 9 months ago a very amicable arrangement, it is now anything but amicable. I was foolish, too trusting, and it resulted in me being completely and utterly financially bent over. I think this is part of the reason I've been taking things incredibly slowly, the truth is I do think there could be a long term future here but I'm not rushing into anything because I've been badly burnt. I've always been clear with H (from now on I'll refer to her as H) over what has been going on.

Do I love her? I certainly have strong feelings for, I care about her a great deal, but then if I can't say deep down that I love her then I guess I probably don't - thats how it gos, right? Before saturdays disaster I think I was a lot more invested in things that I'm feeling right now, I was starting to think seriously that there could be a future here, and this has given me some severe doubts.

H used to be a big girl, when we met she had a whole heap of confidence issues, she has been cheated on by multiple guys before so its left her a bit jaded. When we first started seeing eachother these issues were very apparent, but over the last 6 months she has really grown. We go to the gym together at weekends when we see one another, she has lost 4 stone in weight and looks fantastic, I'm punching well above my weight here. Thats what confused me about the flirting accusation, she was the best looking girl on the table by a country mile, I told her this. I have also never given her any reason to think that I would ever be unfaithful, I wouldn't want to hurt her. I think the influence of alcohol brought back some of the confidence issues that she has, she just doesn't seem to fully grasp what a catch she is.

Since Saturday there has been some messaging back and forth, not at its usual levels, I've not been ignoring her. What I meant by 'not being bothered' is that I've seen the messages come through and for the first time its felt like a chore to reply, like I didn't really know what to say to her. It could well be an overreaction on my part to that one drunken incident, it probably is, I'm not perfect.

I see the general consensus is that I should end it and let her find somebody who can be more invested in a relationship with her, its not bad advice. I'm going to see her at the weekend, we'll have a sit down chat about where things are going and see where we end up.
 
Rids said:
Since Saturday there has been some messaging back and forth, not at its usual levels, I've not been ignoring her. What I meant by 'not being bothered' is that I've seen the messages come through and for the first time its felt like a chore to reply, like I didn't really know what to say to her. It could well be an overreaction on my part to that one drunken incident, it probably is, I'm not perfect.

I see the general consensus is that I should end it and let her find somebody who can be more invested in a relationship with her, its not bad advice. I'm going to see her at the weekend, we'll have a sit down chat about where things are going and see where we end up.
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If you feel there's something worthwhile long-term, if you have feelings that you think will develop into something more, then you are over-reacting to one bad night. Put it all behind you, spend some quality time together, try to remember why you got together in the first place and how much fun you have together. Having a sulk and throwing a strop is not ideal when you should be resolving things and moving forwards together.

She may have issues with confidence and trust, but you sound like you've got some issues with trust and committing too. You have to admit that it's not just her that needs to compromise or needs kid gloves occasionally. Don't throw away someone you want to be with for trivial reasons and a bad night out.

If however, you really don't have any deep feelings (even if that's because you've been keeping your distance for a year so that you don't get stung again), then finish things and move on.
 
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I think sitting down and talking is the right approach. She's probably scared of you finding other people attractive because she's been cheated on, and the argument is likely have made you wonder about getting into another relationship after your marriage. You should both try to be open about this to each other.
 
Rids said:
H used to be a big girl, when we met she had a whole heap of confidence issues, she has been cheated on by multiple guys before so its left her a bit jaded. When we first started seeing eachother these issues were very apparent, but over the last 6 months she has really grown. We go to the gym together at weekends when we see one another, she has lost 4 stone in weight and looks fantastic, I'm punching well above my weight here. Thats what confused me about the flirting accusation, she was the best looking girl on the table by a country mile, I told her this. I have also never given her any reason to think that I would ever be unfaithful, I wouldn't want to hurt her. I think the influence of alcohol brought back some of the confidence issues that she has, she just doesn't seem to fully grasp what a catch she is.
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To her she'll probably always be that big girl and have the hangups that go with it. That goes a long way to explain her reaction, especially considering she was already nervous about it.

I know exactly where she's coming from on that one, it can be very hard to no longer see yourself as something that had such a massive impact on your life and self confidence nevermind what anyone else says.
 
I guess you need to balance taking care on your part and not losing her because you never made it into more. Only you will know when you are ready for that step. Good luck mate!
 
Well guys it's been a few weeks and I'm back but things have played out differently today. It's been a good few weeks and I'm quite happy with the way things are going in life at the moment and that the previous chapter with her has been closed but tonight the girl returned and started having a go at me not sending any messages (Not sure why after our last chat). Anyway I left no uncertainty and said I'm done with it all and I'm not at anyone's beckon call
 
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slow down fella, lots of people "change" when drunk, some are luvvy duvvies, others want to nut every **** that looks at them funny.
Do not throw away a relationship over one nights drunk issues from what was a stable relationship before hand.
Work at the problems and come to a solution together, rather than just throwing in the towel.

(Hmm I should have taken my own advice here a few years ago lol) :o
 
TechMinerUK said:
Because I have mutual friends who know her so I will continue to be amicable but I'm not being kept on standby
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Just because you have mutual friends that know her, does not mean you have to keep in contact WITH her.

Delete - Block

Can still be amicable face to face when required.
 
TechMinerUK said:
Because I have mutual friends who know her so I will continue to be amicable but I'm not being kept on standby
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Don't take this the wrong way, but I think you're in denial. You're maybe still very in to her and are posting on here repeatedly about her and trying to convince everyone you're not actually in to her anymore. You need to convince yourself, not us, though.
 
malachi said:
Count yourself very lucky compared to some of us mere mortals in this thread who struggle to get any attention from the opposite sex. :p
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I don't understand this, in the space of 24 hours I got over 100 Tinder matches using the below as my first pic and profile description.

http://i.imgur.com/aqRiQOD.png

So last night, I was in London as I've had some surgery today, posted the above and managed to have an awesome night out with an absolute stunner, just from a direct and honest approach. Naturally she had reservations thinking that I could be a bit of a weirdo, but we met, enjoyed a cocktail together, went to Honest Burger for dinner and then on to the cinema, she even covered the meal! Today we've been messaging still. As mentioned before I have a horrible habit of making girls fall for me, she said earlier "Jonny, I feel like we're married and we've just fast forwarded 6 years". She's planning to visit me in the hospital tomorrow after work even!
 
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It worked because you're 6ft 3, likely in good shape and have a sense of humour, you're already way ahead of the curve, if I've learned one thing from tinder it's that women on there love tall men who don't take it super seriously with ridiculous selfies and a paragraph on why their career is more prestigious than anyone else's.
 
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