The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

I didnt specifically mean forbidden love as such but it sounds like you are deluding yourself, but you realise this might be the case deep down.

IF, and that is a BIG IF, she really was put off by the money, then it STILL means she wasnt in to you, even for the most shallow of reasons.

And this is a person to be "devastated" about and move your life to another Island for?

Its ridiculous, and you will see it for what it is given time, I am sure.
 
TrafficMaster said:
IF, and that is a BIG IF, she really was put off by the money, then it STILL means she wasnt in to you, even for the most shallow of reasons.

And this is a person to be "devastated" about and move your life to another Island for?

Its ridiculous, and you will see it for what it is given time, I am sure.
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I fully understand this part of it, and that's why I opened with the part saying I hate how we can't choose who we fall in love with ;)

Half of the devastation comes from the fact that I did move my whole life over for us, what a waste of time it turned out to be! Everyone who hears the story says the same thing though, that she's a dumb, shallow female dog.
 
PermaChanged said:
Half of the devastation comes from the fact that I did move my whole life over for us, what a waste of time it turned out to be! Everyone who hears the story says the same thing though, that she's a dumb, shallow female dog.
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If you didn't try it then you would have not known. You know the out come now, so you can move on.
 
TrafficMaster said:
Again, women pick up on this nonsense. She will be thinking "oh jeesus, whats wrong with this needy, clingy, insecure guy..." and her attraction WILL drop.

Whats wrong with, "hey baby, miss you, message me when you are back and we will have a great time" and leave it there....

This walking on eggshells act incase you do something stupid to upset her is ludicrous, shes not a special princess, and the more you tread on eggshells and the more you elevate her as being so super special, sorry, but the more she will lose respect for you and attraction for you.

PLEASE for the love of GOD visit Coach Corey Wayne on Youtube and fix this before its too late!!!

PS Having "chats" about things is for the gay friend, not for the lover/boyfriend. JesusW. Is there estrogen in the water now?!

The fact you are "not coping well" with a change in communication shows you are becoming totally unglued and needy.
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I agree. But anyway, she left me a long message last night (unprompted) saying how excited she is to see me next week and that she can't wait to spend a few days together, so I guess I was just jumping the gun in being concerned.

Your advice is good; I agree that I need to stop being so needy/concerned/whatever else. I've been on the other side of it, where girls have been way too interested, and it's a massive turn-off.

Finally, on your point about travelling, I've done it. I've done Scandinavia, the Balkans (including Hungary, Croatia, Bosnia, Kosovo, Serbia, and Albania), Morocco (proper Morocco, not just Marrakech), India and Sri Lanka, and Central America travelling alone. I'm a normal guy, good job, decent looking, athletic, sociable, reasonably well dressed, very well travelled, etc. I'm not a wet behind the ears 18 year old. And I agree, I need to sort myself out with this girl and man up. Not to the extent that you're proposing - this is a proper relationship, not just someone to have a fling with when she's home - but in terms of knowing that she should want to be with me as much as I do with her, and that if she doesn't it's not worth it anyway.

Long story short, you're mostly right, and I'm working towards being more relaxed about this.
 
TrafficMaster said:
Sorry, but if a girl is not like "cant wait to see you etc etc" then its done.

Doesnt matter on the "circumstances" or whatever "justifications" people may use... listen to this....

"im tired", "im working so hard" blah blah... its just excuses. If she is not as excited to see you as you are to see her, only one thing is ever going to happen here :(
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I dunno i think this is ********.

There's loads of times when im knackered after night shift i have zero enthusiasm for meeting somone even those i hold dear.

Heck ive walked through a room of 3 topless girls and gone to bed with hardly a word
 
Haly said:
And on the other side of the world of relationships ;)
Just been dumped by a guy I'd been seeing for a while.
He'd been a bit distant a few weeks back (mixture of work stress and moving house) so I was sort of expecting it then, even though he kept apologising for being busy.
Instead, he reappeared and was better than ever. We were texting tons for the past couple of weeks. Had two great and very romantic dates in the past week. Never ran out of things to talk about. The last date was on Sunday. Continued texting each day with seemingly no problems.

Texted him last night to see if he wanted to do something tonight as he said he might be around. Got a long text back explaining he's not 'feeling' it but that he really enjoys my company and still wants to meet up with me. Just not romantically.

We hadn't slept together yet so he's not being a player (and he's fairly insecure anyway) but still bleh.
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Sorry to hear that :( The only thing I took away from your post though is:

Haly said:
Just been dumped by a guy I'd been seeing for a while.
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Haly said:
We hadn't slept together yet so he's not being a player
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How long have you been dating? Were things moving too slowly maybe? I'm not judging, but if I had been dating someone for a while and we still hadn't gotten to that stage after a couple of months I would be seriously worried about the long-term prospects of the relationship too.
 
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ci_newman said:
Sorry to hear that :( The only thing I took away from your post though is:





How long have you been dating? Were things moving too slowly maybe? I'm not judging, but if I had been dating someone for a while and we still hadn't gotten to that stage after a couple of months I would be seriously worried about the long-term prospects of the relationship too.
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It's a possibility but he knew I was keen to move forward. I'm terrible at making a move and he wasn't exactly forthcoming either. Yet it still seemed like there was a lot of chemistry.
Of course, if that was the case, simply talking about it (even just via text if he felt awkward) would have solved so much.

Obviously, with hindsight, I wish I'd tried a little harder on that front! Am debating trying to talk about it with him. The lack of warning signs are baffling me.
 
Haly said:
It's a possibility but he knew I was keen to move forward. I'm terrible at making a move and he wasn't exactly forthcoming either. Yet it still seemed like there was a lot of chemistry.
Of course, if that was the case, simply talking about it (even just via text if he felt awkward) would have solved so much.

Obviously, with hindsight, I wish I'd tried a little harder on that front! Am debating trying to talk about it with him. The lack of warning signs are baffling me.
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Guys MUST always make a move. Thats the position of power... so what if shes not into it? You just brush it off and try with someone else...

Its the people that turn to jelly over expressing their desires for someone that ends up in tears.

You have to sound things out in a playful manner and watch the responses.

I.e you are at dinner or a date or whatever... If she is looking hot then "wow, you look so great how am I going to keep my hands off you?!" blah blah

Depending on the reaction you know what to do, even without having "done" anything.

This stuff aint rocket science. Why you think cocky arrogant morons have no problem with women? On the surface it looks like they do not care either way if she wants him or not. This is a turn on for women.
 
TrafficMaster said:
Guys MUST always make a move. Thats the position of power... so what if shes not into it? You just brush it off and try with someone else...

Its the people that turn to jelly over expressing their desires for someone that ends up in tears.

You have to sound things out in a playful manner and watch the responses.

I.e you are at dinner or a date or whatever... If she is looking hot then "wow, you look so great how am I going to keep my hands off you?!" blah blah

Depending on the reaction you know what to do, even without having "done" anything.

This stuff aint rocket science. Why you think cocky arrogant morons have no problem with women? On the surface it looks like they do not care either way if she wants him or not. This is a turn on for women.
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Notice my forum title ;) :) I'm a woman, and I was fine with him making the move if he had!
 
Haly said:
Notice my forum title ;) :) I'm a woman, and I was fine with him making the move if he had!
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Oh I didnt even notice.....

So he didnt do anything and it fizzled out? Point made then really.

Id rather make it obvious, see what happens, if it doesnt, no big deal, onwards and upwards. Thats life!

Things are changing though... Last girl I nearly married, on the 3rd date, she was like, so wtf? Whats happening here are you into me or not? We were together for 4 years after that.
 
TrafficMaster said:
Oh I didnt even notice.....

So he didnt do anything and it fizzled out? Point made then really.

Id rather make it obvious, see what happens, if it doesnt, no big deal, onwards and upwards. Thats life!

Things are changing though... Last girl I nearly married, on the 3rd date, she was like, so wtf? Whats happening here are you into me or not? We were together for 4 years after that.
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I probably should have done that in hindsight. He's fairly insecure about a lot of things while also keen to be the 'gentleman' so I was worried I'd be stepping on his toes. I stuck with providing him with numerous compliments where possible.
It didn't feel like it had fizzled out though. What with two dates in less than a week. One (only last Tuesday) involved him serenading me with romantic songs and a guitar.
 
Haly said:
I probably should have done that in hindsight. He's fairly insecure about a lot of things while also keen to be the 'gentleman' so I was worried I'd be stepping on his toes. I stuck with providing him with numerous compliments where possible.
It didn't feel like it had fizzled out though. What with two dates in less than a week. One (only last Tuesday) involved him serenading me with romantic songs and a guitar.
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I think you had a lucky escape :D
 
Ayahuasca said:
What insecurities were they if you don't mind me asking, seems strange for someone willing to serenade a lady after 2 dates!
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We'd been out for more than 2 dates :) Those were just the 2 dates we've had this past week before he changed his mind out of the blue.
Main insecurities seemed to be about his attractiveness (he's got nothing to worry about) and also some lifelong health issues he's got (which I was understanding of).
 
Yeah well everyone has insecurities, doesnt make it attractive though.

The old adage of fake it until you make it always rings true. Even I have an issue with my scars from colitis surgery, but you learn to mask it and just get the hell on with life. Its too short.
 
Well health issues depending on what they are can crush someone's self confidence.

I'm a firm believer of stoicism though as very few people actually care about your own struggles.
 
TrafficMaster said:
Yeah well everyone has insecurities, doesnt make it attractive though.

The old adage of fake it until you make it always rings true. Even I have an issue with my scars from colitis surgery, but you learn to mask it and just get the hell on with life. Its too short.
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Pretty much the adage I live my life by now. Except for when it comes to being more dominant in a relatively new relationship it seems :p

Ayahuasca said:
Well health issues depending on what they are can crush someone's self confidence.

I'm a firm believer of stoicism though as very few people actually care about your own struggles.
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From what I can tell, not many people seemed to be as understanding about it as I did. He was always grateful when I took it into consideration. Got the impression some woman before me really wrecked his confidence.
Women, eh? :o:D
 
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