The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Thanks for the replies so far guys. I freely admit that I'm not looking for any kind of relationship for the foreseeable future, but I would like to 'get under' a few females in the meantime, especially given the lack of physicality of my relationship in the past 6 months.

On the subject of self-improvement, I am ramping up my gym sessions and I'm in the process of moving out from shared house-dom and buyng my own place.

The things I struggle with are actually meeting females (for the above purpose or otherwise), and actually putting myself across well so they actually find me attractive, as I really struggle with self-confidence. I know that leaves me open to the 'be more alpha' type comments, but that is an alien concept to me.
 
I don't think much of what is in the game is 'being alpha', I think that's a term that people use that don't get it or don't want to try different things. If anything it's a funny as hell read.

I used to lack confidence, now I speak to anyone, be it in a bar or at Tesco doing the shop!
 
You don't have to be a chest beating alpha **** to be self confident or indeed to fake self confidence which is just as useful to begin with.
 
Been in a relationship for 7 years, she hasn't worked for 5, getting pretty frustrated but she's got depression and anxiety and keeps telling me that's why she's not got another job. Even on a decent wage its tough supporting 2 on 1 income.
 
Ayahuasca said:
If you're not good looking you're relying on other traits to form attraction like intelligence, status, humour or wealth. None of them outweigh being a 6ft 4 chiselled Chad though as right from the off you're attractive without the need to prove anything. It's life on easy mode and has been proven by various studies to help you in other areas than the opposite sex.
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I do pity the small guys :D

tom_e said:
You don't have to be a chest beating alpha **** to be self confident or indeed to fake self confidence which is just as useful to begin with.
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This.

Roar and Co in here would suggest otherwise. Alpha means much more though.
 
RaiderX said:
Been in a relationship for 7 years, she hasn't worked for 5, getting pretty frustrated but she's got depression and anxiety and keeps telling me that's why she's not got another job. Even on a decent wage its tough supporting 2 on 1 income.
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Are you married?
Do you have kids?
Do you have a mortgage together?

If not then it sounds like you are being used as a wallet to support her. Sorry if that sounds harsh. Everyone is different, but getting out into the workplace to mix with people may be the best thing for her depression.
 
Hades said:
Are you married?
Do you have kids?
Do you have a mortgage together?

If not then it sounds like you are being used as a wallet to support her. Sorry if that sounds harsh. Everyone is different, but getting out into the workplace to mix with people may be the best thing for her depression.
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Not married, no kids, living together but renting. What frustrates me most is her constant complaining that she can't buy things cause she has no money. Tried talking to her about getting a job and that ended in tears and a panic attack
 
She's trapping you into a life of supporting her financially. Whatever you do, until she sorts herself out, do not get married, have children or buy a house together. Personally I'd be looking to split up and find someone who you can build a life with. You won't be able to change or 'fix' her. She's had five years to sort herself out and hasn't.

I also guess she's using depression as a reason she's not in the mood very often in the bedroom.

What are you getting out of this relationship to commit so much of your life and money to her?

Again, sorry to be harsh, but I hate to see people being taken advantage of. Maybe I've got the situation wrong, in which case I apologise.
 
You need to get out RaiderX, that will not end well.

Stop telling yourself you need to support her year in, year out, she's a grown woman and you need to be cruel to be kind here or she'll never change. It's like a kid who's given everything, they'll never have that desire to earn it.
 
I agree, get out. It sounds like you're in a relationship because it's easier to stay in one than get out of it.

You'll be happier on your own.
 
It'll be a cycle, not having a job can cause depression and anxiety, but that anxiety will prevent them from trying to get a job. Is it based on a fear of people or commitment? Does she see friends or other people regularly? Out of the house much or tends to hide away? Pushing her to get a job can be a massive step if she's not outgoing.
 
Steeps said:
It'll be a cycle, not having a job can cause depression and anxiety, but that anxiety will prevent them from trying to get a job. Is it based on a fear of people or commitment? Does she see friends or other people regularly? Out of the house much or tends to hide away? Pushing her to get a job can be a massive step if she's not outgoing.
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She doesn't like being around people, she doesn't have any friends and spends most days just with her Mum.
 
My sister in law was like that. When I met my wife her sister had a job and was trying to buy a flat. For various reasons she got depressed, cut her job down to part time and moved back with her mum instead of buying the flat. She also said she hated being around people. We tried to get her to see her doctor about it but she wouldn't. Ten years later she's now completely quit her job, has fallen out with her mum but can't afford to move out of the house, so she hardly leaves her bedroom unless she needs the bathroom or the kitchen. I could see it happen as it spiraled into oblivion. I even predicted it at the time.

This is the same situation. Except your girlfriend is using you instead of her mum to support her. You are in a great position that the only commitment to her is jointly renting a property. You've given her seven years of your life and tried to help her for five. If she hasn't tried to improve her situation in those five years then will she ever? Probably not.

You have a decision to make - are you happy with this situation and are you OK with taking on a life long commitment of supporting a depressed adult? Or do you want a life too? You only get one life. You are only young once. Your time being young enough to build a life with someone else fades every day. Before you know it the years will have flashed by, she'll be wanting kids (and then you're doomed, and you'll be much older which makes it harder to meet someone else. You need to make a decision. You deserve a life too. Don't stay with her because of misplaced loyalty or simple habit.
 
I personally find it really difficult to meet people through online dating. I have 3 or 4 FWBs at the moment and they are all through real life meetings.
 
Online dating can be a pain in the backside unless you are one of the Chads people were talking about earlier, it's conditioned even average boring as dishwater people to think they're better than they really are by quite a margin.

I know one girl, lovely girl but the pictures she posts online have been crafted through years of experience to hide her flaws and she looks stunning.
In real life lets just say she'd be lucky if you gave her a second glance, it's such a warped version of reality it's at times quite surreal.
 
Yep it's pretty much an 80/20 rule on Tinder and PoF, 20% of Men get 80% of the Women, if you're not naturally photogenic and don't have the ability to manufacture a better image of yourself you're screwed. For Women of course there's makeup on top of clever camera skills so 5/10's end up with the ego of 10/10's as they're still sleeping with Chads.
 
Been single for 18months after 15years.

Went on holiday with a bunch of strangers. Came to the conclusion I just can't be arsed with people in general anymore. Everybody annoys the hell out of me especially dizzy woman in there 40s. I am not the most chatty person in the world at the best of times but it's like pulling teeth with most woman at my age :) Far too much trouble than its worth.

Sorry love I have a good job, nice house, motorbikes, **** car I am not really interested in your last card making frenzy.
 
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