No it isn't. Now is the time for him and her to sit down and see if they can come to an amicable agreement.
The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
- Thread starter mattyprice4004
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I've got representation if I need it, but it will be an absolute last resort. I'm hoping I wont need to bother going as far as having them negotiate terms on my behalf etc, but ive had a chat with my colleague at work and she explained what would need to happen if we weren't able to reach an agreement amicably.
She isnt the type of person who i can see making things difficult so im hoping we can come to some agreement we're both OK with.
I'm meeting with the ex tomorrow night after work to talk about all of this. I did ask if we could do it tonight but she suggested Friday so that we arent in work the next day etc.
She isnt the type of person who i can see making things difficult so im hoping we can come to some agreement we're both OK with.
I'm meeting with the ex tomorrow night after work to talk about all of this. I did ask if we could do it tonight but she suggested Friday so that we arent in work the next day etc.
First off ROSSI really sad to hear what you are going through. Relationships are tough and more often then not most relationships get to the point yours seems to have. Its at points like this in relationships where, if you really want them to work, you really have to start making them work.
To much advice around here seems to be supporting giving up to easily and just letting it go. Without going in to details (situation was similar but worse then yours sounds), from my own personal situation me and my wife did the polar opposite of the advice being given to you on here and we worked on it, and our relationship/marriage/family was taken to a next level. We worked hard on it and learned from the tough times that we went through and we re-found one another.
It took time, it took hard work, but boy was it worth it.
As for everyone telling you not to write a letter, my advice would be do write a letter. Don't put in ultimatums or demands/implied point of no return elements, but get your feelings and thoughts down on paper, even if you don't give the letter to her, it may just help you out as a mental release.
While for some this approach my not work, I just wanted to provide you with an example where it does, to much negativity for my liking around these parts.
Finally if it doesn't all work out and you do end up going your separate ways my thoughts on how you would buy out your partner from the house would be that you have to take difference between the current market value and outstanding mortgage, takeaway any deposit from equity and then half it and that's the amount of money you would need to buy her out of her commitment. (eg CMV 200k Mortgage £100k, equity £100k, deposit £50k, buy out cost £25k).
To much advice around here seems to be supporting giving up to easily and just letting it go. Without going in to details (situation was similar but worse then yours sounds), from my own personal situation me and my wife did the polar opposite of the advice being given to you on here and we worked on it, and our relationship/marriage/family was taken to a next level. We worked hard on it and learned from the tough times that we went through and we re-found one another.
It took time, it took hard work, but boy was it worth it.
As for everyone telling you not to write a letter, my advice would be do write a letter. Don't put in ultimatums or demands/implied point of no return elements, but get your feelings and thoughts down on paper, even if you don't give the letter to her, it may just help you out as a mental release.
While for some this approach my not work, I just wanted to provide you with an example where it does, to much negativity for my liking around these parts.
Finally if it doesn't all work out and you do end up going your separate ways my thoughts on how you would buy out your partner from the house would be that you have to take difference between the current market value and outstanding mortgage, takeaway any deposit from equity and then half it and that's the amount of money you would need to buy her out of her commitment. (eg CMV 200k Mortgage £100k, equity £100k, deposit £50k, buy out cost £25k).
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Hi mate, thanks for these encouraging words, its great to hear things worked out for you. I'm still in limbo about what to do about a lot of things. I am seeing her tomorrow night to talk about "stuff" so just have to see where discussions take us.
Thanks for confirming what I thought about buying her out of her commitment too.
I hope it goes well for you with the meeting. Be prepared, however, for it to be her platform for telling you how things will transpire.
She must be reasonably detached emotionally in the first place to initiate a separration...
So don't have any expectations about being able to talk it over or think about salvaging your relationship at this point in time.
Can't say any of it is going to be easy for the forseeable future. So the sooner you start organising life around you as an individual the better off you will be with a head start in rebuilding your life.
Hardest thing for me was having to continue with everything when I felt like half of me was missing. Feels awful, I know; kind of sucks the wind out of you, but you have to keep your eye on the future - because you are the only one it matters to, ultimately.
Dem feels, bro.
She must be reasonably detached emotionally in the first place to initiate a separration...
So don't have any expectations about being able to talk it over or think about salvaging your relationship at this point in time.
Can't say any of it is going to be easy for the forseeable future. So the sooner you start organising life around you as an individual the better off you will be with a head start in rebuilding your life.
Hardest thing for me was having to continue with everything when I felt like half of me was missing. Feels awful, I know; kind of sucks the wind out of you, but you have to keep your eye on the future - because you are the only one it matters to, ultimately.
Dem feels, bro.
Oh don't get me wrong I'm under no illusions tomorrow we will just be discussing practicalities of the house, finances, banking and money etc.
I don't have any expectations of talking things through regarding our relationship.
I think that is going to be the hardest. Adjusting to an empty house. Not having someone to talk to when I get in from work.
If I do end up staying in the house the cat will probably have to go really as keeping her is only going to lead to issues as she will no doubt want to see her at times etc as she was our "baby". There's loads were going to have to sort out. Jesus Christ.
The problem I always had with "working it out" (having been there myself): Could you ever go back to normal after this? Knowing that she might do this again after you "worked out" whatever issues. Tough one...but I know for me personally not a chance. Initially I did exactly the same as you - I would have done anything to try and salvage something. She made made it incredibly clear though very quickly (in my case) there there was nothing left at all and it did not take long for me to realise this in the few conversations we had. Really feel for you as its an awful situation - one I certainly do not want to ever repeat. Just remember to think about yourself and only yourself from this point on wards - you owe no favours!. Good luck!
An inherent risk with ANY relationship, best not bother getting in to any just in case.
Same, think I'd have always had doubts too and would have gotten toxic. Glad my ex also never hinted at it working out. And it's only after you are long 'better' that you'll probably realise it was better this way.
Right now your emotions will probably overall rational thoughts. And that's understandable
Only thing I still miss is my dog, she always said I could go see my dog, but decided it would just make it harder to let go. So I agree with the cat situation. I wpu have taken her, but no share
It really is a shame that more and more relationships now seem to end this way. Not long ago i split with my ex of only just over a year and that was hard enough, we stayed in contact for a short while but this really isnt the way to go and i would never do it again. I am now "seeing" someone else but its all very casual and to be honest i just dont know if i want anything more than that as its just not worth the pain in the long run
ROSSI i totally get your idea about the letter, if it was me id be thinking the exact same thing but from the outside i would say dont do it, as mentioned above if shes done this once can you really get over this and get back to normal? right now you may think you can but in reality it will most likely always be on your mind. My advice is talk tomorrow on how you go about sorting things out, try to do it as smooth as possible then as hard as it will be avoid all contact and try to move on as best you can, see mates, enjoy your hobbies ect and with time things will get better
ROSSI i totally get your idea about the letter, if it was me id be thinking the exact same thing but from the outside i would say dont do it, as mentioned above if shes done this once can you really get over this and get back to normal? right now you may think you can but in reality it will most likely always be on your mind. My advice is talk tomorrow on how you go about sorting things out, try to do it as smooth as possible then as hard as it will be avoid all contact and try to move on as best you can, see mates, enjoy your hobbies ect and with time things will get better
Because rebound relationships work so well...
I said nothing about starting a relationship. He needs plates, no one girl seems so special when you have plates.
Stay strong mate. Tell her she's on the meter as you're going out and have made plans. White lies and all
Done. Think we've come to an amicable agreement on money and the house.
Surprisingly, I feel better than I thought I would for some reason. She is going to come round one day next week and collect the rest of her things. No doubt it will hit me properly when she's got rid of most of her things.
It is done. Just need to see about getting the name on mortgage changed and change a couple of DD's.
Surprisingly, I feel better than I thought I would for some reason. She is going to come round one day next week and collect the rest of her things. No doubt it will hit me properly when she's got rid of most of her things.
It is done. Just need to see about getting the name on mortgage changed and change a couple of DD's.
Glad there was no further drama for you mate.
I know how it is when all of the familiar things in a house have half of them removed. Can't say which is worse; coming home to find all their stuff gone, or being there when they come round to do it.
Whatever. Time for you to take ownership of the space. I'm sort of a creature of habit and familiarity (I guess quite a lot of us are) so it might feel odd at first, but have a go at re-arranging some of your furniture and stuff like that; decorations, pictures, even the curtains if you've mind to... Moving stuff about will give you time not to think too much (sofa's and **** are heavy) and it will give you a change to your living space. A break from the old and familiar associations. Instead of empty spaces where things used to be, there's a new alignment to your environment.
Sounds odd, but have at it if you've nothing better to do.
I know how it is when all of the familiar things in a house have half of them removed. Can't say which is worse; coming home to find all their stuff gone, or being there when they come round to do it.
Whatever. Time for you to take ownership of the space. I'm sort of a creature of habit and familiarity (I guess quite a lot of us are) so it might feel odd at first, but have a go at re-arranging some of your furniture and stuff like that; decorations, pictures, even the curtains if you've mind to... Moving stuff about will give you time not to think too much (sofa's and **** are heavy) and it will give you a change to your living space. A break from the old and familiar associations. Instead of empty spaces where things used to be, there's a new alignment to your environment.
Sounds odd, but have at it if you've nothing better to do.
Glad things have been so amicable for you R.O.S.S.I, who knows maybe the way you're feeling is a sign that you also knew there was something not quite right or maybe its just shock.
What Jumpy said is a good idea, don't wallow though mate, if you can afford too get yourself and doing things again it will help.
What Jumpy said is a good idea, don't wallow though mate, if you can afford too get yourself and doing things again it will help.