The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Guest2 · 6 Aug 2017 at 08:35

Here's the response I gave to the woman who I've been dating since May and the replies I received.

Hi *****, I think we're both looking for different things in a relationship and why we should call it a day.
I'm personally looking for more that one date a week (5 dates in 12 weeks) with someone and certainly more emotionally and physically - someone to share activities i enjoy with such as climbing, swimming, outdoors, music tastes and having a few relaxing drinks and chilled night in on the sofa.
For me, yesterday that initial spark had been lost - my thoughts confirmed by the end of evening kiss goodbye.
Hope you enjoyed the meals though and good luck finding someone more suitable

Hey *****, I will message u later if that's ok, want to speak to you! Xxx

Hey *****, sorry for the late reply, my sister came back from her travels so she needed a few outfits for the wedding and had a fitting service. I just want to say I'm sorry that I put my work stuff first and I found it difficult to balance things up in my life. I understand where you are coming from, I wanted to do stuff with you. Thanks so much for your patience you have been understanding. I still wanted to pursue things with u, but I did feel maybe for a moment just to put things on hold! I think I owe you a meal, hope if anything we could still be friends. Thanks xxx ❤

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Is there any point in going on another date when I have lost all feeling? Is there any point in even staying friends?
One thing I have learned from increased dating recently is that there is no such things as female friends for guys unless they are either - family, friends of family, friends of your own friends i.e they have to be. Staying friends with the opposite sex (or same sex if you a gay) usually results in more than friends and/or a fallout and not see each other again. I have been asked to stay friends by people on dates that that didnt work out and have seen or heard nothing of them - In that sense then, is it just a nice thing to say to someone? (rather than actually meaning it - pointless gesture IMO)

fredwi · 6 Aug 2017 at 09:13

You can only gain what have you lost if the same happens again and if it does then move on.

The friends thing can work unless you're saying you find every girl attractive

fredwi · 6 Aug 2017 at 09:15

Some do just say it to be nice but have no intention

Guest2 · 6 Aug 2017 at 09:32

fredwi said:
The friends thing can work unless you're saying you find every girl attractive

No, but I (and probably most men I expect) would generally not start talking to a random stranger of the opposite sex that they did not find attractive.

edit, by all means correct me guys. There are points where I have done but this is things like people you sit next to on a plane / train or generally just being a nice person and talking to someone say if you gave up your seat on a busy train for a pregnant woman / old lady.

Surfer · 6 Aug 2017 at 09:50

Guest2 said:
Here's the response I gave to the woman who I've been dating since May and the replies I received.

Is there any point in going on another date when I have lost all feeling? Is there any point in even staying friends?
One thing I have learned from increased dating recently is that there is no such things as female friends for guys unless they are either - family, friends of family, friends of your own friends i.e they have to be. Staying friends with the opposite sex (or same sex if you a gay) usually results in more than friends and/or a fallout and not see each other again. I have been asked to stay friends by people on dates that that didnt work out and have seen or heard nothing of them - In that sense then, is it just a nice thing to say to someone? (rather than actually meaning it - pointless gesture IMO)

If it benefits you and she is decent company sure stay friends but do absolutely no running or favours for her. And your sure the spark has gone then no harm/risk of getting pulled back in.

Surfer · 6 Aug 2017 at 10:01

Tone1979 said:
My fiancé is someone I have been friends for 14 years. WE have been an item for 5.5 years. She has very big lows and very extreme highs. Ive been to counseling to understand her at each end and I get it. I don't ever doubt she is the one but when she is like she is now for long periods it is hard. She is bordering on suicidal but I know it will pass as long as I am with her. I am venting here. She is the most caring person I have ever known and she also puts up with me.I have never proposed to anyone before and since last year she has grown and grown. Sure I have reservations to be with someone easy and dare, I say, normal. but she is the one to me. It's hard to explain, especially to my family who I have told about her.

I may be starting the marriage from a low point. I think I can deal with that. I just need to vent sometimes.

Sounds like a carbon copy of my ex. Wonderful caring person but extreme BPD.

If you are determined to battle on... Here is a tip...always challenge her. You have to keep her in check. I was far far too laid-back and let my ex run amok..which caused huge amount of stress for me. Keep a strong hold of the reins of the relationship and you might have a chance. Her flipping out now is another test of you btw. My ex did this all the time. I hope in the relationship you are the one with the trousers so to speak. Do you find yourselves talking a lot about her problems? With yourself in the role of counsellor?

malachi · 6 Aug 2017 at 12:02

Guest2 said:
Here's the response I gave to the woman who I've been dating since May and the replies I received.

Is there any point in going on another date when I have lost all feeling? Is there any point in even staying friends?
One thing I have learned from increased dating recently is that there is no such things as female friends for guys unless they are either - family, friends of family, friends of your own friends i.e they have to be. Staying friends with the opposite sex (or same sex if you a gay) usually results in more than friends and/or a fallout and not see each other again. I have been asked to stay friends by people on dates that that didnt work out and have seen or heard nothing of them - In that sense then, is it just a nice thing to say to someone? (rather than actually meaning it - pointless gesture IMO)

I wouldnt bother be friends and take my business elsewhere. She had her chance, if she feels she owes you a meal then she can go out the way to make arrangements with you. Let her set the time and place, dont go running around for her.

Guest2 · 6 Aug 2017 at 12:17

Surfer said:
If it benefits you and she is decent company sure stay friends but do absolutely no running or favours for her. And your sure the spark has gone then no harm/risk of getting pulled back in.

Company wise we can hold conversation but its not exactly decent company. Sure she's pretty to look at but unfortunately quite boring. I don't think i will meet her again, even if she chooses the place and pays

Tone1979 · 6 Aug 2017 at 12:22

Surfer said:
Sounds like a carbon copy of my ex. Wonderful caring person but extreme BPD.

If you are determined to battle on... Here is a tip...always challenge her. You have to keep her in check. I was far far too laid-back and let my ex run amok..which caused huge amount of stress for me. Keep a strong hold of the reins of the relationship and you might have a chance. Her flipping out now is another test of you btw. My ex did this all the time. I hope in the relationship you are the one with the trousers so to speak. Do you find yourselves talking a lot about her problems? With yourself in the role of counsellor?

yeah, I find myself as the sounding board and councillor. Like I said she is much better these days but man, it is not easy!!

Ayahuasca · 6 Aug 2017 at 12:23

Get a meal out of her, home run then no contact.

Captain · 6 Aug 2017 at 13:03

Guest2 said:
No, but I (and probably most men I expect) would generally not start talking to a random stranger of the opposite sex that they did not find attractive.

This is true, you don't chat up the fat bird at the bar because you want to be friends.

Tosno · 6 Aug 2017 at 13:20

Guest2 said:
Is there any point in going on another date when I have lost all feeling? Is there any point in even staying friends?
One thing I have learned from increased dating recently is that there is no such things as female friends for guys unless they are either - family, friends of family, friends of your own friends i.e they have to be. Staying friends with the opposite sex (or same sex if you a gay) usually results in more than friends and/or a fallout and not see each other again. I have been asked to stay friends by people on dates that that didnt work out and have seen or heard nothing of them - In that sense then, is it just a nice thing to say to someone? (rather than actually meaning it - pointless gesture IMO)

No! As I told you before she will always just spin your plate just enough to keep the free meals coming and you orbiting her! She is not busy with work, she is busy getting smashed by Chad. Get some pride! Stop being an orbiter and become a Death star!

Steampunk · 6 Aug 2017 at 13:25

Guest2 said:
Is there any point in going on another date when I have lost all feeling? Is there any point in even staying friends?
One thing I have learned from increased dating recently is that there is no such things as female friends for guys unless they are either - family, friends of family, friends of your own friends i.e they have to be. Staying friends with the opposite sex (or same sex if you a gay) usually results in more than friends and/or a fallout and not see each other again. I have been asked to stay friends by people on dates that that didnt work out and have seen or heard nothing of them - In that sense then, is it just a nice thing to say to someone? (rather than actually meaning it - pointless gesture IMO)

What's the point if you don't care for her, and she's not bothering to make time for you? You might as well put that time and energy into someone else. It's not like you're throwing away years of a relationship or anything, she's just another woman that you spent a little time on, and it didn't work out.

Tosno · 6 Aug 2017 at 13:25

Tone1979 said:
My fiancé is someone I have been friends for 14 years. WE have been an item for 5.5 years. She has very big lows and very extreme highs. Ive been to counseling to understand her at each end and I get it. I don't ever doubt she is the one but when she is like she is now for long periods it is hard. She is bordering on suicidal but I know it will pass as long as I am with her. I am venting here. She is the most caring person I have ever known and she also puts up with me.I have never proposed to anyone before and since last year she has grown and grown. Sure I have reservations to be with someone easy and dare, I say, normal. but she is the one to me. It's hard to explain, especially to my family who I have told about her.

I may be starting the marriage from a low point. I think I can deal with that. I just need to vent sometimes.

No and no! With crazy at most you should just ride it until the wheels come off and hard next it. I dated a manic depressive once and the highs and lows literally made me sick after a short while, I was glad to get off that ride and never again. Find a girl that is always medium stable to marry, yes you don't get the highs but you have a good life when you supply and control her drama instead, nothing worse than a girl that makes her own crazy drama you have no control off.

Trusty · 6 Aug 2017 at 14:19

Guest2 said:
Is there any point in going on another date when I have lost all feeling? Is there any point in even staying friends?
One thing I have learned from increased dating recently is that there is no such things as female friends for guys unless they are either - family, friends of family, friends of your own friends i.e they have to be. Staying friends with the opposite sex (or same sex if you a gay) usually results in more than friends and/or a fallout and not see each other again. I have been asked to stay friends by people on dates that that didnt work out and have seen or heard nothing of them - In that sense then, is it just a nice thing to say to someone? (rather than actually meaning it - pointless gesture IMO)

No harm in going for a meal again, don't put any work in though, if she want's another meal with you, let her graft.

Surfer · 6 Aug 2017 at 18:02

Tone1979 said:
yeah, I find myself as the sounding board and councillor. Like I said she is much better these days but man, it is not easy!!

Does she take out her mood swings on you? If she does you need to put a stop to it straight away. I'm sure she will have a strategy for when she is in the high and low zones of extreme BPD. For both dont let her run the show.

I still miss my ex but we should've stayed as friends....she was smoking hot though

I thought i could handle the crazy but i overestimated my powers.

Guest2 · 6 Aug 2017 at 20:59

Trusty said:
No harm in going for a meal again, don't put any work in though, if she want's another meal with you, let her graft.

I was just straight up honest...

If you want to treat me to a meal then I won't say no but as far as staying friends I don't really see the point (unless it was a generic nice gesture)
Friends are always able to make time for each other around work & family life - relationships even more so if there is enough interest in each other. In our case the interest was obviously not there. Told you I was honest!
Thanks

Yeah I will treat you to a meal of course. When shall we arrange for? x

Tefal · 6 Aug 2017 at 22:02

congrats you're the woman in that relationship

deusexlumina · 6 Aug 2017 at 22:32

Guest2 said:
I was just straight up honest...

To be honest you sound a bit butthurt in that message. Even if she was rude, if you want another shot it may be best to just act like you don't really care and are just interested in having a nice evening and a laugh. If you go to dinner expecting a kiss or something more then it won't be conducive to a nice atmosphere and it won't happen.

Ayahuasca · 6 Aug 2017 at 22:48

That message is all sorts of cringe, she clearly doesn't mean as little to you as you were trying to portray to us earlier.