Exactly my thinking.
The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
- Thread starter mattyprice4004
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O well 20 years down the toilet me and my wife have separated. Moved out and now living by myself in a tiny flat. According to her I'm not good enough for her.
Wow! Sorry to hear this that is brutal! Was it completely out of the blue. Vent in hear as much as you want.
Hope you're managing!
Associate
- Joined
- 1 Mar 2008
- Posts
- 2,382
- Location
- York
Cheers dude the worst part never living by myself before and not seeing my child everyday .
The only thing I can say is view it as an opportunity to do the things you never have and do as you please to mainly keep busy
I've seen a lot of friends go through similar situations. It's always been tough to start with but they've all come through the other side of it.
Having a child obviously makes it tougher so sending my best to you mate.
Already been on one
Yeh, im not going to reply for a couple of days but won't go on the meal anyway. Seems rather pointless and would be awkward too. I was only tempted by advise here and to see what she would say - I wasnt expecting he to say she woud
Clearly she's not good enough for you, she's giving up the prize! Blow her mind (and heal yours) and pick up a younger and lighter model.
Just gauging opinion on an issue that has come up with my relationship.
I'm a single father with 2 children having lost my partner to cancer in 2012. I've been with my current GF for 2 years or so.
I've got a good relationship with the grandparents and the outlying family. They want to come down to see my kids and visit their family down here.
My kids auntie asked if her and 2 of her children could stay with me. Her husband and son will be staying home as they don't want to come down. I said fine, I have a spare room for them.
When I told my GF she said it will be a squeeze in my house with her and her child as well as the auntie and her two (we don't live together) - basically saying that she had every intention of staying at mine at the same time. I said nothing at the time as we had our kids with us and I wasn't sure the reaction if I tried to put her off. I could see it was probably a bit of a test to see what I would say and probably an attempt to exert her authority over me - women be possessive.
So, last night I went to hers and we didn't have the kids so I tried to gently suggest she didn't stay. At this point she implodes saying that why should we hide our relationship from them and she felt it was inappropriate for the auntie to stay at mine without her husband. I could quite easily take great offence to this but I just let it go as the implication is a bit silly.
I can see her point of view. She wants to make sure the family know that we are together and I've moved on - the family have always been fine with her and my kids grandmother always asks after her (something I actually respect as it must be hard for her to see me with someone else - they even insisted my GF and her child join us one for a new years meal a year or so ago - I mention this and my GF says she wasn't made welcome which is rubbish other than one of the relatives was a bit off but this particular relative was extremely close to my children's mother so to be expected to a point)
I just thought it saved everyone's blushes if she didn't stay as it would be awkward for everyone. This prompts accusation that it's me that hasn't moved on and that it's me trying to pretend my children's mum is still around. I went on to say that me and my children are the only link to the grandmother's dead daughter and I didn't think she deserved having that link broken. This just made it all worse as my GF said it's me trying to keep the link. I was just trying to be respectful. As far as my GF is concerned I'm choosing them over her.
I try to avoid arguments with my GF as she can be quite unreasonable. Once she has a thought in her head it's almost impossible to dissuade her. We have this endless back and for during arguments where she wants me to see things from her point of view - which I do and says as much. I don't have too much of an ego to bruise by saying I'm in the wrong if I feel I am. But then when I try to explain my actions and offer what I think is genuine reasoning she says she accepts it but then goes back to her and how I've made her feel. It's difficult to argue with her as she picks my words apart and then throws them back at me.
Given the circumstances, it's quite easy to paint my GF in a poor light. However, I do try to see things from the other persons view. So I get why she feels like her nose has been pushed out but it's just impossible to try and convince her that it's not my intention to cause her offence.
I'm a single father with 2 children having lost my partner to cancer in 2012. I've been with my current GF for 2 years or so.
I've got a good relationship with the grandparents and the outlying family. They want to come down to see my kids and visit their family down here.
My kids auntie asked if her and 2 of her children could stay with me. Her husband and son will be staying home as they don't want to come down. I said fine, I have a spare room for them.
When I told my GF she said it will be a squeeze in my house with her and her child as well as the auntie and her two (we don't live together) - basically saying that she had every intention of staying at mine at the same time. I said nothing at the time as we had our kids with us and I wasn't sure the reaction if I tried to put her off. I could see it was probably a bit of a test to see what I would say and probably an attempt to exert her authority over me - women be possessive.
So, last night I went to hers and we didn't have the kids so I tried to gently suggest she didn't stay. At this point she implodes saying that why should we hide our relationship from them and she felt it was inappropriate for the auntie to stay at mine without her husband. I could quite easily take great offence to this but I just let it go as the implication is a bit silly.
I can see her point of view. She wants to make sure the family know that we are together and I've moved on - the family have always been fine with her and my kids grandmother always asks after her (something I actually respect as it must be hard for her to see me with someone else - they even insisted my GF and her child join us one for a new years meal a year or so ago - I mention this and my GF says she wasn't made welcome which is rubbish other than one of the relatives was a bit off but this particular relative was extremely close to my children's mother so to be expected to a point)
I just thought it saved everyone's blushes if she didn't stay as it would be awkward for everyone. This prompts accusation that it's me that hasn't moved on and that it's me trying to pretend my children's mum is still around. I went on to say that me and my children are the only link to the grandmother's dead daughter and I didn't think she deserved having that link broken. This just made it all worse as my GF said it's me trying to keep the link. I was just trying to be respectful. As far as my GF is concerned I'm choosing them over her.
I try to avoid arguments with my GF as she can be quite unreasonable. Once she has a thought in her head it's almost impossible to dissuade her. We have this endless back and for during arguments where she wants me to see things from her point of view - which I do and says as much. I don't have too much of an ego to bruise by saying I'm in the wrong if I feel I am. But then when I try to explain my actions and offer what I think is genuine reasoning she says she accepts it but then goes back to her and how I've made her feel. It's difficult to argue with her as she picks my words apart and then throws them back at me.
Given the circumstances, it's quite easy to paint my GF in a poor light. However, I do try to see things from the other persons view. So I get why she feels like her nose has been pushed out but it's just impossible to try and convince her that it's not my intention to cause her offence.
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Sounds to me like she'll always have an issue feeling inferior to your late wife/partner, and because of this doesn't enjoy time around that side of the family due to not feeling good enough or feeling judged by them despite them being very accomodating of her.
Your GF is being unreasonable and insecure because she's marking out her territory. The simple response is that your kids deserve to have some kind of relationship with their grandparents, and given that they live far away and don't see each other much, it's in the kids best interests to spend a little time with them when they can. It's not reasonable for your GF to deny your kids time with their grandparents because she wants to have a ******* match over ownership of you and your home.
I can understand the inferiority complex she has walking in your late wife's shoes, but, she sounds immature suggesting funny business between you and your late wife's sister. How often do you see your late wife's family? i'm guessing not very much. Put your foot down.
Well I'm quite surprised. I've just received an apology.
The 2nd actual apology in 2 years. 2nd time she's actually backed down.
I suspect she may have run this past a friend and realised she's over reacted.
All very well kicking off and then rescinding but it's now got me thinking about the relationship.
The 2nd actual apology in 2 years. 2nd time she's actually backed down.
I suspect she may have run this past a friend and realised she's over reacted.
All very well kicking off and then rescinding but it's now got me thinking about the relationship.
Whilst an apology is nice it's better to base it around actions in coming months to see whether she really has learnt anything from it, I wouldn't make any rash decisions now but if something like this crops up again then it's definitely a red flag for trust/insecurity issues. Relationships very rarely work out with either at play.
I can't say I blame her though, it's a perfectly normal human emotion to feel that way if you believe the person you're with still has feelings for someone else other than you or possibly loved another more than yourself even if they've done everything to hide it or not do/say anything to make you feel that way. I don't think any of us want to feel 2nd best and rationality goes out the window often when emotions are involved.
I can't say I blame her though, it's a perfectly normal human emotion to feel that way if you believe the person you're with still has feelings for someone else other than you or possibly loved another more than yourself even if they've done everything to hide it or not do/say anything to make you feel that way. I don't think any of us want to feel 2nd best and rationality goes out the window often when emotions are involved.
She does sound very domineering from a place of insecurity, which maybe isn't helped by the fact you sound like you back down a lot for an easy life. She may find that you're too agreeable, so she pushes everything a bit further to get a proper emotional reaction out of you so she really believes what you're saying. She gets all emotional and excited over everything, and the fact that you're calm and back down makes her feel like you just don't care and aren't that invested, which probably feeds into her insecurity alongside competing with the ghost of your wife.
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That sounds very much like my girlfriend and it's a ******* nightmare, lol. I used to give her the reactions she wanted and it ended up in some pretty horrible arguments, usually with me being thrown out for a week or so until she'd calmed down.
I've now learnt how she works and when things get heated, I stay calm and rational. She tries to push me but as I know what she's like, I find it quite easy to stay calm.
Probably the only thing that's stopping us moving on and living together. I'm not prepared to move her into my house only for her to chuck me out whenever it suits her.
Several people have said she sounds insecure but she's very attractive and very confident so maybe I'm not completely understanding what her insecurities are? Is she trying to push me away so that she can say "told you you didn't love me"?
It's quite common for people to appear confident to the outside world (it's a mask they put on), but in private their insecurity comes out. It's common for those people who don't think they deserve to be loved and have a relationship to sabotage it. The other person ends the relationship, and the insecure person can say it wasn't them that ended it. It just confirms that they were right and cannot be loved, and stops them waiting for the other shoe to drop and gives them an element of control over when the relationship ends (ie it was going to happen anyway, I was proved right, it might as well happen sooner rather than later, etc).
If someone chucked me out for a week instead of talking to me, they'd find themselves dumped pretty sharpish. Some people just can't be fixed because they can never believe that you truly love them no matter what you do or say. They can't love themselves, so can't believe anyone else can love them either. You'll be constantly struggling to try and make them believe that you really do love them and want to be with them.
Talk to her, find out what she really wants from you, make her understand that just because you don't shout and scream, it doesn't mean you don't have feelings or that you don't care.
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It's taken me a while to work it out too. I do wonder whether the backing down so quick isn't partly due to me not losing it last night.
It's like they become irrational and goad you into losing it and when you do, you've lost. Whatever point you were trying to make can be completely ignored and they play the injured party because you shouted, slammed a door, kicked the cat etc.
My GF isn't unattractive and has kept her figure well (we're both over 40) but I don't think how someone looks has anything to do with being insecure - would think the more attractive the more likely they are to be insecure.
I get the last bit too mate. It's like they drive it right to the end and then blame the fella because he finished it as he couldn't cope anymore - insert "if you miss me, you left me first" meme on Facebook.
Steampunk - I think both of your replies have it nailed. You're very good at this
Staying calm is very important, my wife tells me it's my worst trait, because it makes it impossible to have a proper shouting argument with me. On the few occasions I feel the need to go for volume, she knows she's overstepped the mark. It stops a woman claiming the moral high ground because you lost your temper, despite the fact you were right and she was wrong. That doesn't mean you shouldn't compromise or see things from her point of view, but that has to run both ways. In fact, when you stay calm and give thought to what she is saying, and give a considered reply in response, it shows that what she says/feels/wants is important to you. You might have to explain this to her so she understands that is what it going through your head. Getting wound up and shouty means you're being emotional instead of taking the time to really think about what she's saying.
Steampunk - I think both of your replies have it nailed. You're very good at this
It's my experience that the old maxim of "people are more alike than they are different" is very true indeed. If I can figure out what's going through your girlfriend's head, then so can you, and so can she. Just ask her to explain it to you if you're not sure what she really means and what she's trying to achieve. She'll appreciate it if she's having trouble getting her thoughts and feelings across because you're shouting at each other.
So been split from the ex about 6 months, feeling in a good place, been on plenty of dates, bobbed a few aswell which is a nice confidence boost but could never be bothered with furthering the relationship so sacked them all off. Decided to go to Thailand and Oz with some friends at the end of next month for a hol then to do the whole working holiday thing for a year or two with them.
Then, randomly, ended up getting off with a good friend who also has just recently split from her fella. Been very good mates with her for a long time and it kinda just happened after a night out the other week. Slightly tricky sitch as I know and am friends with her ex but we've both kinda just said we'll keep it between ourselves but at the end of the day we're both adults and are single so not thinking too much about it! Anyhows, we've been talking a lot and weve met up for a drink again and gone back to mine etc. She knows Im going travelling and this has happened at a truly crud time because i'm going to be going away soon for a year or two and its obvious we both like each other and have done for a while but just never acted on anything because we've been in our own relationships! In terms of GF material as well I find her hugely attractive, we have LOADS in common, same group of friends, our families already know each other a bit too and we know each other really well so it wasnt awkward or weird and just felt right!
Funny how things turn out - I know its not gonna get serious and so does she but just telling this I guess for those who think they will never stumble across someone again or get with another girl after breaking up that you never know whats round the corner! Just gonna roll with it for now and enjoy her company, its nice to be close to someone.
Peace out. x
Then, randomly, ended up getting off with a good friend who also has just recently split from her fella. Been very good mates with her for a long time and it kinda just happened after a night out the other week. Slightly tricky sitch as I know and am friends with her ex but we've both kinda just said we'll keep it between ourselves but at the end of the day we're both adults and are single so not thinking too much about it! Anyhows, we've been talking a lot and weve met up for a drink again and gone back to mine etc. She knows Im going travelling and this has happened at a truly crud time because i'm going to be going away soon for a year or two and its obvious we both like each other and have done for a while but just never acted on anything because we've been in our own relationships! In terms of GF material as well I find her hugely attractive, we have LOADS in common, same group of friends, our families already know each other a bit too and we know each other really well so it wasnt awkward or weird and just felt right!
Funny how things turn out - I know its not gonna get serious and so does she but just telling this I guess for those who think they will never stumble across someone again or get with another girl after breaking up that you never know whats round the corner! Just gonna roll with it for now and enjoy her company, its nice to be close to someone.
Peace out. x