The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[malachi]

Online dating isn't amazing even if you are Brad Pitt, in person is *MUCH* better, 95% of men are too anxious to approach a woman, so by doing it, you put yourself in the top 5% and can punch way above your weight
The women are going places on dating sites, they are getting lots of attention (most important thing for a woman) Alpha's that use them and free dinners from betas, while they text Chad 10 times asking why he is ignoring her.





Fake up, spotty chin and obese, you still did it... ew

Exactly and men wonder why the below average looking girls on dating sites think they model material and become picky.

Don't see why men can't treat them the same way they get treated in public....... ignored! Aim for better not lower.

 

[Adnams Drinker]

I'm joining you all in this thread now, having sworn it would never happen to me.

My wife and I have been together for 25 years and married for 17 of them. She told me around mid-July that she wasn't happy anymore and that her feelings for me had changed - she said she loved me more like she'd love a brother than how a wife should love her husband. She said she still fancied me something rotten (a bit bizarre when you consider the brother thing, but I understood what she was trying to say), but she didn't think that was anything to base a marriage on, compared to how passionate and loving we used to be.

We agreed to a separation for most of August to see if that would help, so at the end of July she moved in with a friend (female, I might add), taking our two dogs with her. We spoke honestly during our final weekend together and I said that if there was any chance of us salvaging things then I wanted to fight for it. She said the same and we agreed that we would phone each other every Wednesday, but otherwise not speak to each other outside of an emergency. I asked if I could take her out for a drink at some time while she was away and she said yes, she'd like that. The last thing I said to her on the day she moved out was "Please come home" and she said "I will, if it helps just think of this as me house-sitting for a few weeks". I remained in the marital home and as a result of these conversations was left with a feeling of optimism.

How gullible was I? She phoned me on the first Wednesday after moving out, but then at no time other than that. Messages I sent her via Facebook Messenger were being received, read and ignored. She became increasingly distant from both me and her own sister, to whom she'd previously been as close as two sisters could be. Her sister has said to me since that whenever they did speak she got the impression that my wife wasn't really paying attention to the conversation and was looking for any way to abort the discussion. She said "It's like I don't have a sister anymore". I actually did get to see her face-to-face on 20th August and wished I hadn't. The person standing across from me looked like my wife, sounded like my wife, but didn't talk like my wife, if you know what I mean. I detected no warmth or affection towards me whatsoever. It broke my heart to be honest, and at that point my head overruled my heart and I accepted that the woman I'd loved for 25 years was gone, replaced with someone I didn't know anymore.

Last week, I went away for a holiday on my own to our static caravan on the Norfolk Broads and came home last night. I messaged her to let her know I was home and actually got a response this time. I asked her to ring me, which she did. It was then she told me again how her feelings for me had changed and that she wanted us to part because I deserved better than she could give me. She reiterated that there isn't the proverbial 'anyone else' - she said "I know I've gone about this in a really crappy manner, but I stood in church and made those vows, and not only that I wouldn't and couldn't do that to you anyway - I've hurt you enough as it is". And that's how a 25 year relationship and 17 year marriage ended ... with an hour-long phone call.

I've cried a lot in the last 24 hours - I feel rejected, worthless and hurt. I've never known pain like this, not a physical pain, but a raw, visceral emotional pain the like of which no previous life event, like the breakup of my own parents marriage and my father's death ten years ago, has prepared me for. Being with her gave my life meaning, she loved me for who I am and I adored her. I feel like I've lost my best friend, my soulmate and my lover in one go.

 

[Vidar]

Adnams not that it makes any difference to you but I'm truly sorry that this is happening to you, really I am. This all must be very confusing on top of all the pain that your now ex partner has caused you, especially as there seems to be no rhyme nor reason as to why this should happen or why the sudden change in her behaviour. That said ending a relationship, especially one that has lasted 25 years, is a very difficult thing and I'm sure that she wouldn't have come to this decision lightly. The relationship I had with my ex was utterly abhorrent, abusive and toxic and I found that incredibly difficult to end so something that has been good, well I can only begin to imagine.

Whether you understand the reasoning or not there has obviously been a problem in your relationship with your wife, she may or may not know what the real reason is as to her it may just be a strong feeling she cannot continue. I would say though that her giving you grounds for hope and snatching that away without so much as an explanation is pretty crappy though and does sound odd. If I was to hazard a guess as to whats gone on I would think its probably her friends pouring poison in her ear. Not necessarily saying anything negative against you but likely telling her it can't be saved if she feels this way etc etc or that you should have noticed she wasn't happy and should have changed.

Normally at this point I would suggest you may offer couples counselling or something to your wife but she seems pretty clear on her intentions.

The problem you have obviously is that the only person who can really tell you what's going on is your wife and it sounds like she doesn't have much interest in doing that. I also would advise not relying on her sister for any explanations or theories as inevitably she will side with her sister.

What I will stress to you is that no matter how you are feeling right now you are not worthless. You are grieving your relationship and you will go through the stages of grief just like with a bereavement, this is something that is going to take a long time to heal from but I promise you will get through it. Try to stay active but give yourself time to grieve, if you need help go and see your GP and arrange for counselling to help you work through your thoughts and feelings but do not bottle things up, try and deal with them day by day.


This is most likely the last thing you want to think about right now and it may come across as insensitive of me but if you haven't already I would seriously start looking into finding a decent solicitor to deal with the practicalities that are now likely to come up as its a minefield and you do not want to be unprepared for something that could potentially turn very ugly. I'm not sure who said it but I've found it to be true is that you never truly know someone until after you've broken up and that when the relationship ends so does the facades.

You are in for a rough time mate, but if it helps this community is here for you in some small part, there are some truly epic people here. You are not alone.

 

[Tefal]

Before there was Tinder, there was Grindr, which was a gay hookup app, used as directed. When Tinder came out as the version for straight hookups, women turned it into a dating app to look for relationships. We know this by comparing it to Grindr.

The world would shut down if tinder worked like grindr

if there was an app where the average guy could sign up and have women 5 women a day offer a "cum an go" BJ service nothing would ever get done

 

[Skillmister]

Tinder is definitely the place if you want to get your numbers up. Unfortunately the downside is it doesn't come with high value or high status females.

Maybe it's just my area but ive met several "high value" females on tinder recently. I've been on a few dates with a doctor although she works so many odd hours I'm not sure how much further it's going. Got dates lined up this week with a teacher and a vet also.

You can weed out the trash very easily based on pictures or profile alone. Anyone who lists vodka as a like/interest for example...

I know people who use it as a hookup app fairly successfully but I don't seem to have the game for that

 

[Skillmister]

Only face pics with filters on her profile!.

There's your mistake I don't entertain anyone that doesn't have a full body picture, not worth the risk! Girls who wear tons of makeup aren't my type either so it's fairly easy to assume they'll look pretty much like their pictures. It's also handy that it links instagram profiles so you can see more recent pictures.

I've only had one experience of someone not living up to expectations and she was a little heavier than her pictures, must have been old ones Not unattractive by any means and we got on great but ended up that despite being extremely flirtatious over text and in person, when I ended up her in bed she didn't want to do the deed...

 

[Steampunk]

The world would shut down if tinder worked like grindr

if there was an app where the average guy could sign up and have women 5 women a day offer a "cum an go" BJ service nothing would ever get done

The western world would be a lot more chilled out place though!

 

[Adnams Drinker]

Whether you understand the reasoning or not there has obviously been a problem in your relationship with your wife, she may or may not know what the real reason is as to her it may just be a strong feeling she cannot continue. I would say though that her giving you grounds for hope and snatching that away without so much as an explanation is pretty crappy though and does sound odd. If I was to hazard a guess as to whats gone on I would think its probably her friends pouring poison in her ear. Not necessarily saying anything negative against you but likely telling her it can't be saved if she feels this way etc etc or that you should have noticed she wasn't happy and should have changed.

Thanks Vidar, I truly appreciate you taking the time to reply.

Funny you should mention the involvement of the friend she's staying with - I had already had that same thought myself and so had pretty much everybody that I've discussed this with in depth. This friend is herself divorced - in the last couple of years I think (I don't actually know the woman personally, she's one of my wife's friends from the local horsey set) - and those that have flagged her up as a factor have all used exactly the same phrase you did: "pouring poison in her ear".

There have been issues in our marriage for the last 18 months - we accept that, but at the time we chose to ignore them, hoping they'd go away or somehow sort themselves out, rather than confront them ... big mistake.

I appreciate what you're saying about my wife's sister - I can't rely on her now because as you say sooner or later sisterly loyalty will take over. The fact remains though that in the last few weeks, she has been an absolute rock for me. I've often said that I appreciated her help and understood what an awkward position it put her in. She told me not to worry about that - she loves us both and wanted to see us work it out. My wife was being equally distant and cold with her as well, so any family loyalty was being stretched to breaking point as it was. I actually saw my sister-in-law and my father- and mother-in-law last week, as they all have static caravans on the same site as ours. I love her Dad to bits - he's become a bit of a surrogate father figure to me since my own died - and he has always been one of my best drinking buddies.

My sister-in-law has known me long enough to be able to read me like a book and at one point last week she sent my wife a very blunt message along the lines of "Will you FFS take your head out of whatever fantasy land you're currently living in and speak to your husband? He's absolutely in bits and we're having to hold him together here". Her family have been wonderful, having known me for so long - her Dad said to me last week that he'd considered me his son-in-law for the entirety of the time we'd been together, not just for the years we'd been married and "whatever happens, that won't change". Her Mum described her last week as a "stupid bloody girl" - they're pretty old school in their views on marriage.

They're all still up there on holiday and there'll be an interesting confrontation today as my wife is going up there to see them - oh, and guess what? Our poison-dripping friend referred to earlier is driving her up there. She is likely to be told to make herself scarce in no uncertain terms - my in-laws are not the sort to discuss family matters in front of a complete stranger and they too have misgivings about the role she's played in this situation.

I'd like to be a fly on the wall if I'm honest, but it's all irrelevant now in any case. There is already a little voice in my head saying "It's done mate, sort yourself out now" and over the coming days and weeks, that voice will become the dominant one in my thoughts. Even if her family, through some miracle, persuaded her to give things another try, I don't think I could. My heart would say "Yes", but my head would be saying "She's done this to you once, when will it happen again?"

This has turned into another wall of text, so it's time to sign off for now and get ready to go to work - reality, as it has a habit of doing, is intruding!

 

[Musty Pie]

WALL OF TEXT

Given the circumstances you seem to have your head screwed on pretty straight. Try and keep it that way. Look at things logically (like you are. Should you need any further clarification for your thoughts, seek it from others. Emotions have a GREAT way of altering reality.

People often say "i dont know why" when confronted with a situation they do not want to deal with. But the reality is they usually do know, Shes just not ready to talk about it yet.

Your partners family may be a good support network for you currently, but its probably about time you also found one that was not directly affiliated with your wife. As when the time comes, they are more likely to support her more than you.

My advice (based on what you have told us so far):

Tell your wife, and be clear, that YOU want to make it work, but a relationship is a 2 person job - and you cant do it alone. If she wants to make it work and she is ready to talk about what needs to change or why its fallen to pieces, then she knows where to find you.

Then take some time for yourself and take good CARE of yourself. Eat well, rest as much as you can and do some things that make YOU happy. .

Don't pander to her. If she wants you back she will let you know. If she doesn't; then you need to be prepared for that also - no point in waiting around to prepare for these changes.


Try not to snap at others (easier said than done). Yes your dealing with a lot but the people around you need not suffer also. If anything they might be able to help you in the long run.

Good luck sir. you are going through something that is emotionally incomparably difficult to deal with, but regardless of the outcome you will be OK.

 

[Skillmister]

Your partners family may be a good support network for you currently, but its probably about time you also found one that was not directly affiliated with your wife. As when the time comes, they are more likely to support her more than you.

This is a very good point.

My ex's mum and stepdad repeatedly contacted me to make sure I was ok and offer their support. Her mum especially adored me and thought we would get married etc.. I kept contact to a minimum as I saw no point in dragging it out, but I did see her stepdad a couple of times afterwards as I knew him professionally before we got together anyway. All contact stopped around the time she must have introduced her new fella to them, and I was glad I'd tried to limit it before then.

 

[Rids]

I'm not having a good day, the worst part is that I know I'm being an absolute moron but I can't seem to conquer it.

Split up with the ex 6 weeks ago now, I miss her like crazy but that is to be expected. Last night, couldn't sleep, browsing instagram and boom picture of the ex pops up in the timeline. I do not follow her on insta / facebook, it just popped up because I guess we shared pictures together in the past.

All the feelings that I've been trying to bury rose straight to the surface, she is out enjoying herself, getting on with her life, she looks great and it made me feel like crap. Instantly I was back at square one, that same feeling of loss, lonliness, and even those thoughts of hopelessness like I'll never find somebody. Its pathetic, I'm angry at myself for letting myself feel this way. Our relationship was far from perfect, I try and focus on all the things that were wrong, I try and tell myself that I'm better off, but I'm sitting here now on my lunch break at work typing this, because my stupid brain won't listen to me.

All the progress it felt like I've made in the last 6 weeks just feels like it has been completely undone. I let myself go a bit in the relationship, we've all been known to do it, so I've been training like a demon trying to get back in fighting shape, as much for my confidence as for anybody else to tell me that I look good. Today though I just feel like its not enough, I'm not progressing fast enough, I am full of self-loathing - I've not felt this way in a long time, I've never felt this way coming out of a relationship, and I don't know how to change my thinking.

I'm aware that I'm probably being harsh on myself and its like I'm my own worst enemy. Logically I have no right to expect to be ok after just 6 weeks, but I thought I'd be closer to being ok than I am. I have the road trip in 8 weeks to look forward to, but at the moment I can't even get excited for that. I'd talk to the boys about it, but that sort of chat is always done over a pint or six, and then that sets my fitness goals back, and its not like anything they say or do can help.

What is going on with me? How do I get out of this funk?

Sorry for the emo rant. **** Instagram.

 

[Skillmister]

I'm not having a good day, the worst part is that I know I'm being an absolute moron but I can't seem to conquer it.

I felt the same last month, see above. But once I got back from my holiday where I was just sitting around dwelling on it, I dived into working 10-12 hour days, gym and bike when I could fit it in and got back on the dating scene. I had a couple of long rants to work colleagues/friends/family about it to get it off my chest and then stopped talking about her. Within a week those feelings that had come back had passed. I still get the occasional pang when I think about it but my mind has now got to the stage where it is defaulting to the "think of the bad times and how much better off you are now" state.

Oh yeah, and block her from social media so there is no chance of things popping up randomly again. I thought not being friends would be sufficient, it wasn't.

 

[Musty Pie]

**** Instagram.

You have answered your own question. Stop the social media stuff for a while, or blacklist or block her. Its am important start to recovering from something like this.

She does not matter now. what matters is you.

At the end of the day your a human, and you have had a set back. Emotions can be a **** but they are necessary. Yes you feel terrible. Thats normal. Understand me? Totally normal.

You, yourself know that its a silly mindset to be stuck in. You can and will snap out of it.

Busy yourself with something else other than social media in your down time. Read a book, get another hobby.

You already train, that's good for your mind and your body - Now find something to fill in the small voids of downtime instead of checking our the ex's social media presence.

You'll be good. might not seem like it now, but you will be.

 

[Adnams Drinker]

Then take some time for yourself and take good CARE of yourself. Eat well, rest as much as you can and do some things that make YOU happy.

Oh, don't you worry about that - I only have to please myself now, so for the foreseeable future I'm going to be as self-indulgent as I bloody can be, without hurting anybody else!

I consider her now gone - for one thing, she is now so fundamentally changed from the girl/woman I've loved for very nearly half my life that I don't know if it would ever work and for another, as I hinted in my reply to Vidar, my trust in her (which as her husband was obviously both total and unquestioning) is now shot to pieces and I would constantly be expecting this to happen again.

Over the period of our separation I had started preparing myself for how I would play it if we finished and that is the plan I'm now at the early stages of. Until things like the house are sorted, I will still have my wife and her family on social media for ease of contact, but once things are finally settled, she will be gone - in fact, my intention (as far as is possible given the time we've been together and that any future relationship I may have will always be compared to it), is to cut her out of my life like she never existed. I've already removed photos of her from my phone and de-tagged myself from photos of us friends had uploaded to Facebook. We will not remain friends and I've told her this more than once. This is not nastiness on my part, it's pure self-protection/preservation - I do not at any point in the future wish to see her with another man. That will devastate me all over again and undo any healing I've undergone in the meantime.

I fully accept that my fondness for her family will need to change and that sooner or later they will rally round her - that may even begin today given that she's intending to visit them for the day. It is time for me to return to my own family and that is what I've spent most of yesterday doing. I hadn't told my Mum that we were separated - I didn't want her to worry about me - but I have done now that I know which way the wind is blowing and she's distraught that her 48-year-old son was crying down the phone in a way she hasn't heard since he was a teenager. Likewise with my Aunt, who is the sole surviving member of my Dad's side of the family - she adored my wife and I as a couple and she's equally upset.

My brother has come up trumps - I cried on his shoulder yesterday, which bless him he didn't know how to handle - but he said "I don't think you should view a 25-year relationship and 17-year marriage ending as a failure of any kind ... some marriages don't survive their first year" and that is very true.

I've also seen another quote recently: "Don't feel sorry that it's over - be glad that it happened in the first place" - I'll keep telling myself this as I work my way through it all.

I'll be so much better when I can get my emotions under control - at the moment, it doesn't take much to set me off again.

 

[Ayahuasca]

Most people can only dream of a 25yr relationship in this day and age, particularly if you want those years to be honest and free of adultery.

 

[Skillmister]

I've already removed photos of her from my phone and de-tagged myself from photos of us friends had uploaded to Facebook.

Easy way to do this is just block her. My facebook now looks like I've done literally nothing in the last 2.5 years because I rarely post and having blocked my ex, all the posts and photos of things we did have disappeared

 

[Adnams Drinker]

Most people can only dream of a 25yr relationship in this day and age, particularly if you want those years to be honest and free of adultery.

I totally get that and in those 25 years, for a good 23-and-a-half-of-them we were utterly devoted to and adored each other, which is why the situation has hit me so hard. I will come out the other side and I will be stronger as a result, but the light at the end of that tunnel seems a very long way off at the moment and I'm afraid my dealings with women from now on will automatically be tinged with a degree of cynicism and distrust.

 

[Ayahuasca]

Well two things have been made pretty apparent for you, love likely doesn't exist in the sense you thought and that words mean very little in the grand scheme of things.

 

[Musty Pie]

snip

I'm confident, from the way you carry yourself and speak about your situation on the forums, that you will be fine.

Its cliché but i HAVE to say it: Time is a great healer. Things are different now from what you are used to. This is the hardest part that people have to deal with - change.

However you have mentally set yourself in the right frame of mind. Its now just the execution part of it that will be toughest to deal with.

Also dont think that what we (I, or anyone) will say - things may not actually pan out the way we say it. Life has a funny way of changing the rules at any given time.

Your wife's family may actually continue to be a big support network in your life. You may still be friends outside of this situation. Only time will tell. Be willing to accept any outcome.

I advise getting your own support network, because its quite possible that they might not be there for you as you expect - and thus you are covered from an emotional support requirement.

Crying is OK. Its a natural way to deal with emotional events. Completely normal - let it out when you need to. No shame.

What might help is that anytime your feeling a bit down, or focusing too much on the events, force yourself to distract from it by doing something else.

Its something simple I do with my 2 year old daughter when she gets worked up over something. And I swear by it as an adult too.

Obviously don't do this ALL the time, some situations require facing head on like an adult. But when its a mental slip down "memory lane" etc. its quite healthy to distract from that negative mindset.

Chin up bud. It will all be Ok in the end.

 

[jumpy]

The person standing across from me looked like my wife, sounded like my wife, but didn't talk like my wife, if you know what I mean. I detected no warmth or affection towards me whatsoever. It broke my heart to be honest, and at that point my head overruled my heart and I accepted that the woman I'd loved for 25 years was gone, replaced with someone I didn't know anymore.

I think most people who have been in a serious relationship that comes to an end will know exactly what you mean. Best way I can describe it from my own experience is that it leaves you feeling hollow. Somehow less than you were, all in a single moment; up to that point you never quite see how intertwined two people can be until you take one of them away, and yet you always hope it's not done with..

It takes actually seeing the other person, right there in front of you to come to the realisation that you don't know who they are. You carry on feeling just like you used to because you don't know any other way to behave, but your rational mind can see it in the eyes, flat and lustreless with none of the old sparkle in them reserved for you.

The globe pub in leicester was the last time I experienced that. I don't even remember the when of it ,I'd have to work it out, hehe; it doesn't feel like yesterday any more and hasn't for a looong time now


I won't offer you any platitudes for your situation. You'll deal with it as you need to.

However, I'll give perspective on the life of a single bloke in his early 40's:

The other day I got home from work and chilled out with a cup of tea and flicked youtube on the tv to do some subscriber catch-ups. At some point the neighbours got home and began to argue. They are in their 30's Id guess. I could hear most of what they were saying; she was calling him stupid and useless over and over, whilst he was telling her to calm down, then I heard him telling her to stop it and take her fingers out of her ears.
I always feel bad about eavesdropping on other peoples arguments so I cranked the volume a bit.
Next day, she was on the phone to her dad ****** and blinding about how he ruined her life and that he helps out her sister every month and how she's just rotting away in leicester etc etc.

Do you know the only thing it made me feel hearing all of this? Thank christ I don't have to deal with any of that kind of ******** in my life. Pondering that thought over the bankholiday made me focus again on the fact that I'm completely comfortable with being an individual.

Sure I miss the company sometimes but I don't need it to be complete.

It might take you a while to rediscover this about yourself again. That's just how it goes.
But remember you are still who you are, your relationship was a compliment to that and it's loss is in no way shape or form diminishing the person you are.

As for future 'dealings'... it's early days yet mate, so don't be too hard on the world and yourself.

Chin up.