The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[NewGamer11]

Is there something in the water at the moment? All these dreadful stories in the last few days.

well after nearly 3 years we have just split up, turns out she was cheating on me with her brother in law, not sure how to feel atm,
all future plans stopped in there tracks,

any advice how to stop the stupid feeling i have atm?

Holy ****. So she wanted to nuke more than one relationship at the same time. I've not got anything useful to add but don't blame yourself for her infidelity. It was her choice to go that way. As always come back and vent if it helps you.

...snip...

You could see where this story was going from the bit about getting a job at the pub. Without wanting to be rude about it has she ever been diagnosed with psychiatric problems before the breakdown? Again, nothing really useful to add on this one but I hope things work out for you and if you need other views come back and ask this thread. Stay strong fella.

 

[Beans on toast Dave]

Is there something in the water at the moment? All these dreadful stories in the last few days.



Holy ****. So she wanted to nuke more than one relationship at the same time. I've not got anything useful to add but don't blame yourself for her infidelity. It was her choice to go that way. As always come back and vent if it helps you.

tbf i saw it coming, i was a carer for my dad, and quit work about a year ago with a view to moving over the other side of the country with her after my dad went into care
i listened to the professionals or so called professionals about my dad and where he needed to be and it took over a year to sort that out , i guess i was struggling getting him into care as i tbf my parents have been my life with caring for them for a very long time and did not want to let go of that routine, anyway i got a place for him sorted at the local care home and 3 days before he went in she says she no longer wanted to be with me,
went over to see her and we got past that one and agreed to move on together as planned

she had been very off with me for a while and i put up with it, then this weekend it was just too much and i checked her Facebook messages and saw she was seeing him
she met up with him about 4 weeks ago for a birthday weekend after not seeing him for about 30 years or so, i guess from there the cards were marked

tbf i probably had a lucky escape as i thought she was up to something with someone else a year or so ago but there was no proof, and i guess shes just that type of girl straight into another relationship without a care, we got together 2 weeks after she finished with an ex so the signs were there

i had so much more to lose than her, i have property and savings which she would have benefited from once we probably have got married whist she had nothing as she always spent all her wages and kept nothing aside

now i am sitting here wondering what to do, i think i need to move into one of my property's but that means i have to evict my tenants which i dont really want to do, its in a better town where there is more going on and i have a couple of good friends there, luckily i have money so i have options i just feel so empty and alone, struggling with wanting to drink but i have been tea total for 10 years or so, and still have to sort my dads house out as its needs clearing and to be sold, i really just want to give up but must not let it get the better of me!

 

[NewGamer11]

...snip...

Sounds like a tough situation all round. Maybe she felt that she wasn't getting the attention she wanted from you. You would think people would understand in the context of your father's care but they often don't.

Getting another relationship straight away (or even with overlap) is standard practice for many women (and some men). It's called "monkey branching", i.e. they don't let go of one branch until they've got hold of the next one.

It would be rubbish for your tenants but if you feel it would be better for you to move then sometimes you have to look after yourself first.

Definitely stay off the booze. I would say that to anyone whether they've been teetotal or not.

Good luck chap.

 

[Beans on toast Dave]

Sounds like a tough situation all round. Maybe she felt that she wasn't getting the attention she wanted from you. You would think people would understand in the context of your father's care but they often don't.

i think that was really it, she wanted more than i could give at the start then when i had nearly had it sorted it was too late, but tbf if she could do the dirty now it would have only been a matter of time and it would have been worse as i would have been across the other side of the country wanting to get back with no help at all

It would be rubbish for your tenants but if you feel it would be better for you to move then sometimes you have to look after yourself first

the plan was always to move to shrewsbury but she came along just as i was buying the house i own there, yes i would feel for the tennants but thats the risk you take renting i suppose, tbf if i do it its going to feel crap for me too.

Definitely stay off the booze. I would say that to anyone whether they've been teetotal or not.

yes, about 10 years ago i was very drunk every night and stoned, not a great time, i dont really want to go back there and if i did i think i would end it, i nearly did before so i MUST stay strong

 

[ci_newman]

well after nearly 3 years we have just split up, turns out she was cheating on me with her brother in law, not sure how to feel atm,
all future plans stopped in there tracks,

any advice how to stop the stupid feeling i have atm?

3 years seems like a long time, but consider the relationship with her sister that she has just totally destroyed. It is a lucky escape for you, her sister has the really hard part to deal with.

It's time to make new plans without her

 

[Beans on toast Dave]

3 years seems like a long time, but consider the relationship with her sister that she has just totally destroyed. It is a lucky escape for you, her sister has the really hard part to deal with.

It's time to make new plans without her

its her adopted mothers ex husbands son, not sure what that makes him to her, i though brother in law but maybe not, but still the boy she grew up with, seems wrong to me

yes a lucky escape, i just have soooo much time on my hands and i dont know how to fill it, i need to sort my dads house out and sell it but i cannot go anywhere near it as its too upsetting atm

im sitting here writing this and watching tv and i dont really want to be here on my own

 

[ci_newman]

its her adopted mothers ex husbands son, not sure what that makes him to her, i though brother in law but maybe not, but still the boy she grew up with, seems wrong to me

yes a lucky escape, i just have soooo much time on my hands and i dont know how to fill it, i need to sort my dads house out and sell it but i cannot go anywhere near it as its too upsetting atm

im sitting here writing this and watching tv and i dont really want to be here on my own

It will sound cliché, but fill your spare time up with hobbies & exercise - anything that stops you from sitting around and moping. Once you've found some activities you like, find some local groups in the area that you can do those activities with

 

[SteveOBHave]

I'd have to say that I'm fairly heartend to see this thread here among all the chaff.

Rather than sharing just my own sorry situation, I thought I'd (hopefully) add a little light to the end of the proverbial tunnel.

June 12th 2010 I got married to who, at the time, was the love of my life. We'd been together for 10 years since we were 20-21. I met her in NZ and moved to the UK with her (I'm also a Kiwi). Whilst not without it's bumps and hiccups life was largely good although in hindsight, not great. We had a relatively small wedding with just family and some close friends in Italy for the poultry sum of around £30k and dragged family and friends from all over the world to celebrate with us.

Roll on 6 months and she heads overseas for work for a few weeks over which we don't really keep in touch all that much. She comes back and we end up going to a house party and the aftermath was a few arguments. It escalates and she goes to stay with her sister (usually we manage to figure it out). From there the details are a little blurry but the long and the short of it is that after 10 years together and 6 months of marriage we separate.

It plays out amicably enough and with my Visa being reliant on her she offers to help me get my indefinite leave to remain which after a year would have me my British passport. We go to counseling a few times but it really feels like it's a game of me saying "I could've done this better, I could do this more etc" whilst she sits there and basically says, yep, uh-huh, yep. The lady taking our counseling just seems to let this keep going until the wife eventually comes out with the cracking line "You just don't earn enough money to keep me in the way that I've become accustomed if 'I' decide to get pregnant" to which the counselor doesn't bat an eyelid.

To be clear, I had always paid my share and before we came over to the UK I had won a couple of cars, sold them and used the money to pay our way including supporting us till we both got on our feet. Never did I play the "I paid for this, you have to pay your share". I believe that when you're in a relationship you work as a team, you contribute how you can and money shouldn't be a scoring mechanism.

From here things rapidly descend into nastiness, she starts telling me that's she's been having great fun dating and there's no chance that we're ever getting back together, oh and BTW, I'm not helping you with your visa anymore because it's too much of a personal risk. Meanwhile she's also takes all of our savings leaving me with around £2k in the bank. Long story short, because I can't get my visa I have to hand in my resignation to a job that I'd been in for 5-6 years, pack all my crap up and leave the UK. Work offered to try sponsorship but that would require me leaving the country for 3 months and there's no guarantee that I'd get it.

During all of this I find out that she didn't actually want to marry me but had gone through all the hard work to set up her dream wedding so decided to go through with it - How to kick a guy in the guts 101. Personally it destroyed me. I regularly cried myself to sleep, broke down in pubs talking to mates, felt like everyone in our shared group were judging me and frankly didn't give a damn about the fact that she was totally screwing me over.

1 week before I jump on a plane for Australia (got parents here) I get my indefinite leave to remain, turns out that the lawyers for her company said yeah not a problem so they got me it. For me though it was too late, I'd sent all my personal belongings on a ship, said my goodbyes and bought a one way ticket to Aus.

It took years to get over it, I considered legal assistance to get my half our our assets but British law doesn't count whatever happens before you're married so all my contributions are largely ignored. So I had to move on. There were a number of run ins with her over the year or so trying to sort out the divorce which I said that she had to pay for. We had a storage unit back in NZ which she said she'd removed all her stuff from - turns out she hadn't and I'd been paying for it the whole time. I said she wasn't getting her stuff till she pays for the half she owes and accusations of blackmail come out. Suffice to say it ended messy but there were no kids for which I'm eternally grateful.

Roll on 6-7 years and I'm living in Aus, I have a great job, live in a beautiful country and recently married a woman who in every way is the opposite of my first wife. There are things that I didn't take note of in my first relationship that in hindsight were both massive indicators that things were wrong and that marriage should've been out of the question. Things like her telling me that she was embarrassed to introduce me to her workmates, her telling me to not walk with her in the street, constantly telling me that I wasn't doing enough monetarily. Looking back I realise how broken and flawed that relationship was and how blind I was to ignore all the bad stuff. Even down to the level of never being told that she loves me without prompting.

My take aways from 10-12 years of relationship and having it turn to ash, life is too short to settle for meh. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and if your significant other doesn't - GTFO. When things go south and it feels like the world has ended for you, realise that there is more to life than what is going on now. The world is a big place and your house, your broken relationship, your hurt, your town, all these things are moments and just around the corner is better, just around the corner is someone that will genuinely love you for you.

I struggled through dating via Tinder and a number of other sites and as awful as the experience was it gave me enough bravery to ask out my beautiful wife... of course she said no initially hah! Stick at it, ride out the anger and grief and do your best to not do anything either stupid or beneath yourself. I now have a woman that tells me she loves me every day, that smiles when she comes home and sees me and is genuinely proud to introduce me to family and friends and I have never been happier. It took till being 37 to get there but if I had to go through all the crap again to get to where I am now, hell yes I would!

Good luck all - there is more to life than now.

 

[Musty Pie]

="SteveOBHave, post: 31122854, her telling me to not walk with her in the street.

Wow - just wow.

Glad to see you are back on you feet now though. And its good that you have decided to share this with fellow members. Sometimes even one success story amongst all the bad stuff can be enough to show others that its not all doom and gloom.

 

[Ayahuasca]

Great post Steve, it's easy with hindsight to look back and realise the signs were there but in the moment sometimes you like to convince yourself otherwise, I don't think I would ever allow that behaviour from a partner but I have friends I know who likely would, one of them at the moment is planning on proposing to a woman who kicks off with him pretty much every evening when she gets in from work, it's a strange world.

 

[SteveOBHave]

Great post Steve, it's easy with hindsight to look back and realise the signs were there but in the moment sometimes you like to convince yourself otherwise, I don't think I would ever allow that behaviour from a partner but I have friends I know who likely would, one of them at the moment is planning on proposing to a woman who kicks off with him pretty much every evening when she gets in from work, it's a strange world.

That's the thing, when you're in a relationship and it seems like you've poured your heart and soul into it, you so easily let poor treatment slide, and you shouldn't. And somehow they make you feel like it's your fault with little barbs of "I don't like myself when I'm with you" of course omitting the fact that they're in control of their behavior, not you. Sometimes letting it go is the healthiest thing you can do - rely on those that genuinely care. A true relationship is a partnership where you meet in the middle and support each other through the rough times - took me years to learn what that looked like, we're so good at fooling ourselves in the cause of what seems to be love.

 

[413x]

Wow - just wow.

Glad to see you are back on you feet now though. And its good that you have decided to share this with fellow members. Sometimes even one success story amongst all the bad stuff can be enough to show others that its not all doom and gloom.

This is exactly the same bit I noticed... Wouldn't walk with you down street?!

That woman sounds completely materialistic. Probably end up miserable when realise money doesn't make you happy.

Good to hear a bad to good story. And often feels like it takes a mistake to get there. Glad managed to turn your life around. And as the OP said, without the bad, no matter how bad it was.. You have to have it to appreciate the good times.
Massively helps without kids in the ways. One of many reasons I don't want any!

Been living with my gf 1 year this week and still all good here too. Crazy to think just two years ago I was still a mess. Feels like a 5!

 

[Steampunk]

That's the thing, when you're in a relationship and it seems like you've poured your heart and soul into it, you so easily let poor treatment slide, and you shouldn't. And somehow they make you feel like it's your fault with little barbs of "I don't like myself when I'm with you" of course omitting the fact that they're in control of their behavior, not you. Sometimes letting it go is the healthiest thing you can do - rely on those that genuinely care. A true relationship is a partnership where you meet in the middle and support each other through the rough times - took me years to learn what that looked like, we're so good at fooling ourselves in the cause of what seems to be love.

You were no different than most people who don't really understand the emotions and dynamics of a relationship, and were in denial about the issues and problems you had. It's human nature to ignore things when you don't know how to deal with them. That knowledge comes with age and experience, and it's difficult to shortcut your way to that understanding unless you've lived through it.

 

[413x]

You were no different than most people who don't really understand the emotions and dynamics of a relationship, and were in denial about the issues and problems you had. It's human nature to ignore things when you don't know how to deal with them. That knowledge comes with age and experience, and it's difficult to shortcut your way to that understanding unless you've lived through it.

It's hard to see the signs and actions especially in first real relationship (it was for me). And even if you're told /know your mind doesn't let you process them.

Either partner may.. carry on either trying to fix it (eg. bend over backwards) , ignore it (eg. believe it will get better eventually or it's just a phase) , or sabotage it (eg. meet other people). So often people are on different pages. Unable to communicate or do the right thing.

It's easier in the short term to carry on in the relationship, and people (generally) take the easy option and the problems build and aren't fixed. Until something breaks it.. A better option walks into your life that you don't want to miss out on perhaps.

Happens in jobs, relationships, and other aspects of our lives.


You can make a few of these mistakes, but you do have that horrible aspect of 'time' to consider. And I wonder if time/kids is a reason that many women are the one to actually make the break even though the relationship is the cause. Or perhaps I anecdotally know more woman break it off. Not saying it's woman's fault, but I'd say 80pc of time in my social circle the woman makes the actual decision. (it's often the right decision mind you)

 

[Orcish-Horde]

edit....

 

[Beans on toast Dave]

It will sound cliché, but fill your spare time up with hobbies & exercise - anything that stops you from sitting around and moping. Once you've found some activities you like, find some local groups in the area that you can do those activities with

it makes total sense and i know thats what i should do, but i keep breaking down i guess i am not emotionally stable atm, i have arranged a few meet ups and things to do but i still keep thinking of her and the great times we had, blurggg i know its all in my head it just does not help that i have socially isolated myself and i feel like i am annoying my old friends by being i suppose needy

i really i wish i had not met her, i kept myself single for well over 10 years from the fear of being hurt and feeling not worthy of a relationship

i guess i will look back in 6 months and laugh at how i felt, well i hope i will

 

[SteveOBHave]

it makes total sense and i know thats what i should do, but i keep breaking down i guess i am not emotionally stable atm, i have arranged a few meet ups and things to do but i still keep thinking of her and the great times we had, blurggg i know its all in my head it just does not help that i have socially isolated myself and i feel like i am annoying my old friends by being i suppose needy

i really i wish i had not met her, i kept myself single for well over 10 years from the fear of being hurt and feeling not worthy of a relationship

i guess i will look back in 6 months and laugh at how i felt, well i hope i will

You know it's ok to have a crap time of it, to feel like you've lost something. It's a process of dealing with it. When you are feeling that way though, try to take a moment to look forward. One of many things that I found cathartic was expunging everything about her from my life, photos, gifts social media. The whole lot.

And yeah you do feel like you're socially isolating yourself, been there too and you've really got to get yourself through that, mates are there for you the same way that you'd be there for them.

Trust me, you'll gradually get past it, and start making great memories without her. It doesn't happen immediately but life has a damn site more to offer than what is going on right now and it's up to you to make it happen.

Get out and do some stuff on your own, rebuild your sense of self. Jump on a train or get in the car and go somewhere where you can get out of your head! At the very least it'll clue you in on some topics of conversation when you start dating again.

 

[Jono]

They say horse ladies should be high on the avoid list, just below nurses.

Who is "They", and where/why do they say it? Why wasn't I warned?

 

[SteveOBHave]

[QUOTE="NewGamer11, post: 31115176, member: 193907"

They say horse ladies should be high on the avoid list, just below nurses.

Who is "They", and where/why do they say it? Why wasn't I warned?[/QUOTE]

Lol my ex was a horse lady too... There were more issues there though not the least a psycho mother-in-law, a father who was entirely money driven and a long history of parents and grandparents having multiple failed marriages.

Ended up sitting on the sofa with her mother one night and she comes out with "You know Steve, in some ways I blame my children for my failed marriage..." yikes, and you wonder why some people are so messed up. In hindsight I was doomed from the start.

 

[Hades]

@SteveOBHave Very good story. Thanks.