Ha, yeah know about your love life Tefal. Quite the adventure!never done it myself.
I guess it happens to a lot of people. Eventually they settle down.
Similar question.
Was the fwb etc etc a sudden thing that you did or gradual progression?
And how long has it been a thing for (if you know!)
And how old are you?
You probably know women quite well, and can probably make a decision as to if any of the fwb type you know are trouble or potential gf material.
It's interesting for me as I don't really understand the fabric mentality. It's just never been a thing for me. Which is probably a bad thing.. Few partners!
Could do with a sounding board for a delicate situation which has developed within my friendship circle. Bare with me as I need to set a tiny bit of back story and may be a bit confusing.
Jim and Jen had been together for 8 years, not married, but split up earlier this year.
Beth and Ben had been together for 6 years, not married, but again, split up a couple months back.
Jim, Jen, Beth, Ben etc were all part of the same circle of friends. Since the split Jen is no longer really seen by any of the group as she has reverted back to her other friends who she had prior to getting with Jim, all good. Ben however is still part of the group and comes out from time to time, to the behest of Beth as she feels he is impeding on her group of friends.
Finally, Beth and Jim have been very good friends, near enough best mates for about 10 years but have both been in relationships for much of their time knowing each other and Jim is going to Australia for 9 months until next Summer in a few weeks.
Right that is the back story done. To cut a long story short Beth and Jim got close a few weeks ago and ended up seeing each other discreetly for a couple of weeks (as they didn't want Ben to find out, and Ben was Jim's friend). Now Beth, Jim, and Ben and about 12 other people were all due to go on holiday together and prior to this Beth and Jim both ended up developing very strong feelings for each other in a very short space of time, however their little bout of seeing each other was found out by one of Beth's friends, who subsequently told 2 of her best friends (who were also 2 of Jim's supposed best friends too) and have basically gave Beth absolute hell about seeing Jim.
They've said the usual stuff about why would you throw away a friendship with your ex over a "fling" with Jim and its not right and it shouldnt be happening and how Beth and Jim have both betrayed people and so on and so forth - basically treating Beth and Jim like children (baring in mind they are both over 30) and reacting in a way that you wouldnt particularly expect your supposed best friends to react. It all came to a head when everyone got back from the hols and one friend sent a very lengthy WhatsApp message to both Jim and Beth saying the above about betraying friends and how they couldnt stand to look at them whilst on hols as they were always together, and going for lunch and buying each other drinks (all of which isn't true).
Now.........whilst not being an ideal situation that Jim and Ben are both friends a little (but dont see each other that often) what business is it of anyone else what Jim and Beth get up to? My view is that Ben will slowly fade from the main group of friends as he was only friends with people through Beth anyway and he wont be around as much in the future anyway. Jim has been very close to telling them all to ******** mind their own business too but for the sake of their friendships he hasn't done. It has also put a sour point over what was a very positive relationship for both Beth and Jim and something that may potentially have gone somewhere had Jim not been going to Australia and had a couple of specific friends not thrown their 2p in when it wasnt asked for and put a splinter in the relationship.
Im of the opinion that everyone should mind their own business and concentrate on their own lives and pretty much most of the people who i've explained this sitch too think the same but 2 of Jim and Beths very close friends seem to have taken exception to it massively and have basically caused so much stress for Beth that she's put the breaks on seeing Jim even though they still wanted to see each other before Jim went to Oz.
What does everyone else think? Have Jim and Beths friends overreacted? Its causing some friction between others in our group and its like they are constantly watching Jim and Beth all the time now I know Jim and Beth seeing each other probably wasnt the right thing for that time but people get over it and get on with life anyway as they are both adults and both single.
There may or may not be a thinly veiled attempt to mask my identity in this situation
im sure by now most of you know i have a fairly unconventional love life so im usually pretty distant from people but latley feeling all broody and wanting a relationship.
but on the otherwise I'm now feeling morre affected by the actions of others which is irritating.
I'm quite the antisocial person (rave casualty) and don't really hold much trust in humanity these days.
I have a few friends with benefits going and if i have no one on call for when i need i suddenly feel extremely lonely, this is the after effect of a very intense and abusive relationship that went on for 7 years but ended 3 years back.
Anyhoo, like you i also feel kind of broody and want a relationship. BUT then i remember that i hate everyone and will not tolerate people who annoy me.
Like I can only handle being around my 'dates' for a few days then i wont want to see them for a week or two, which is no way to have a relationship.
Being 30 and reading through this post, it's also helped me decide not to get a house with anyone as divorce and asset splitting is a chore. I'd rather get my houses myself and maybe move someone in if i can stand them. If they mess up then they lose everything. Prenup is essential too.
Could do with a sounding board for a delicate situation which has developed within my friendship circle. Bare with me as I need to set a tiny bit of back story and may be a bit confusing.
Jim and Jen had been together for 8 years, not married, but split up earlier this year.
Beth and Ben had been together for 6 years, not married, but again, split up a couple months back.
Jim, Jen, Beth, Ben etc were all part of the same circle of friends. Since the split Jen is no longer really seen by any of the group as she has reverted back to her other friends who she had prior to getting with Jim, all good. Ben however is still part of the group and comes out from time to time, to the behest of Beth as she feels he is impeding on her group of friends.
Finally, Beth and Jim have been very good friends, near enough best mates for about 10 years but have both been in relationships for much of their time knowing each other and Jim is going to Australia for 9 months until next Summer in a few weeks.
Right that is the back story done. To cut a long story short Beth and Jim got close a few weeks ago and ended up seeing each other discreetly for a couple of weeks (as they didn't want Ben to find out, and Ben was Jim's friend). Now Beth, Jim, and Ben and about 12 other people were all due to go on holiday together and prior to this Beth and Jim both ended up developing very strong feelings for each other in a very short space of time, however their little bout of seeing each other was found out by one of Beth's friends, who subsequently told 2 of her best friends (who were also 2 of Jim's supposed best friends too) and have basically gave Beth absolute hell about seeing Jim.
They've said the usual stuff about why would you throw away a friendship with your ex over a "fling" with Jim and its not right and it shouldnt be happening and how Beth and Jim have both betrayed people and so on and so forth - basically treating Beth and Jim like children (baring in mind they are both over 30) and reacting in a way that you wouldnt particularly expect your supposed best friends to react. It all came to a head when everyone got back from the hols and one friend sent a very lengthy WhatsApp message to both Jim and Beth saying the above about betraying friends and how they couldnt stand to look at them whilst on hols as they were always together, and going for lunch and buying each other drinks (all of which isn't true).
Now.........whilst not being an ideal situation that Jim and Ben are both friends a little (but dont see each other that often) what business is it of anyone else what Jim and Beth get up to? My view is that Ben will slowly fade from the main group of friends as he was only friends with people through Beth anyway and he wont be around as much in the future anyway. Jim has been very close to telling them all to ******** mind their own business too but for the sake of their friendships he hasn't done. It has also put a sour point over what was a very positive relationship for both Beth and Jim and something that may potentially have gone somewhere had Jim not been going to Australia and had a couple of specific friends not thrown their 2p in when it wasnt asked for and put a splinter in the relationship.
Im of the opinion that everyone should mind their own business and concentrate on their own lives and pretty much most of the people who i've explained this sitch too think the same but 2 of Jim and Beths very close friends seem to have taken exception to it massively and have basically caused so much stress for Beth that she's put the breaks on seeing Jim even though they still wanted to see each other before Jim went to Oz.
What does everyone else think? Have Jim and Beths friends overreacted? Its causing some friction between others in our group and its like they are constantly watching Jim and Beth all the time now I know Jim and Beth seeing each other probably wasnt the right thing for that time but people get over it and get on with life anyway as they are both adults and both single.
There may or may not be a thinly veiled attempt to mask my identity in this situation
Out of all the men in this world, Beth chooses a friend in a close social circle with a recent awkward history. This will destroy friendships and make the situation even more awkward, maybe not now but it eventually will.
It happens all too often to be honest, in every group of friends there's always at least one person who has feelings towards another that are more than just friends even if they themselves or the friend in question is in a relationship or married.
It is a little of their business really as it could stop friends they like to socialise with from doing so if it gets awkward which it already has from what you've said.
I couldn't think of anything worse than dating someone who'd been out with a close friend but each to their own.
People are naturally selfish. If they want something, especially relationship desires, friends and keeping the peace almost always takes second place. Just human nature
But likewise, it's the friends that are causing the problem by saying two of the group can't get together. Those friends are the ones causing the issue, and maybe they care more about keeping their circle of friends intact and having their nights out than they are about a couple of the group that want to hook up or have an intimate relationship. If the friends hadn't found out, things would have run their course, no one would have been the wiser and nothing would have changed. Now the friends are kicking up a fuss, and making a big deal of something that has nothing to do with them, and that's where the resentment and possible breakup of the group will come from.
People often find partners in their group of friends, the group dynamic changes as people come and go and partners change. If people are going to get the hump about it on behalf of others, that's just being selfish and wanting to keep their Saturday nights the way they like them.
What's Ben's attitude? If I was him I would be ****** off and I certainly wouldn't be friends with Jim anymore. I wouldn't get involved with a friend's ex and I'd expect the same in return. If he's ok with being a **** though then I would agree it's not up to the other friends to say what should happen.
You have to be careful even just cohabiting. The partner can gain rights to the house depending how bills are split. Pre-nups are like used toilet paper, they have no value.
What's Ben's attitude? If I was him I would be ****** off and I certainly wouldn't be friends with Jim anymore. I wouldn't get involved with a friend's ex and I'd expect the same in return. If he's ok with being a **** though then I would agree it's not up to the other friends to say what should happen.
Ben doesnt know and wont ever find out about Jim and Beth seeing each other. Ben, naturally, will drift away from our group of friends now as he will revert back to his other friends and of course when he starts seeing someone new wont really be bringing them to gatherings/functions where Beth will be.
But likewise, it's the friends that are causing the problem by saying two of the group can't get together. Those friends are the ones causing the issue, and maybe they care more about keeping their circle of friends intact and having their nights out than they are about a couple of the group that want to hook up or have an intimate relationship. If the friends hadn't found out, things would have run their course, no one would have been the wiser and nothing would have changed. Now the friends are kicking up a fuss, and making a big deal of something that has nothing to do with them, and that's where the resentment and possible breakup of the group will come from.
People often find partners in their group of friends, the group dynamic changes as people come and go and partners change. If people are going to get the hump about it on behalf of others, that's just being selfish and wanting to keep their Saturday nights the way they like them.
It wouldnt be so bad but it isnt like we are all young twenty somethings who go out every weekend, we are a close group of friends but are now at the stage where everyone has gotten married/is getting married, bought houses and are thinking of settling down for the most part so the amount of times we collectively as a group "go out" is very few and far between these days so its not like its going to effect people's Saturday nights.
You may be right. Funny how most people who have been told the situation have been quite happy that Beth and Jim have found comfort in each other when going through a difficult time however and can see how that has happened with them being such good friends. It is a very small minority who have took issue to it.
As it stands anyway Beth and Jim decided not to take it any further as it wasn't the right time and with Ben still being around a bit. It may be a different story when Jim comes back from Australia if they are both still single however.
Out of all the men in this world, Beth chooses a friend in a close social circle with a recent awkward history. This will destroy friendships and make the situation even more awkward, maybe not now but it eventually will.
Not the first time it has happened. Two of my best friends in our social circle ended up seeing each other and got married this year after being together 7 years. Granted there was no ex in the picture but it does happen and can work well.
It happens all too often to be honest, in every group of friends there's always at least one person who has feelings towards another that are more than just friends even if they themselves or the friend in question is in a relationship or married.
It is a little of their business really as it could stop friends they like to socialise with from doing so if it gets awkward which it already has from what you've said.
I couldn't think of anything worse than dating someone who'd been out with a close friend but each to their own.
Dont think Jim or Beth expected anything to happen between them but it just did and dont think they would end up having feelings forthemselves. its a random situation but it happened and its not like either of them secretly had feelings for the other whilst they were in other relationships. they only discovered they had stronger than friend feelings for each other once they were both single and the opportunity presented itself!
People are naturally selfish. If they want something, especially relationship desires, friends and keeping the peace almost always takes second place. Just human nature
I don't think anyone will tell Ben. Not many people know and those that do have no reason to.
If it comes out in 6,9,12 months time then so be it. He should have moved on and tbh doesn't really seem like the break up has bothered him in the slightest anyway so I'd hazard a guess that whilst not being ideal, he wouldn't care much as he is getting on with his life too.
You may be right. Funny how most people who have been told the situation have been quite happy that Beth and Jim have found comfort in each other when going through a difficult time
No, never looked at her in a sexual kind of way whatsoever in the past. She's very attractive but then again quite a few of my girl mates are and I've never thought of them in that way before!
No, never looked at her in a sexual kind of way whatsoever in the past. She's very attractive but then again quite a few of my girl mates are and I've never thought of them in that way before!
Not at all. I'm seeking validation to my assumption that the 2-3 people who have overreacted to **** have done so wrongly.
You've got to be honest with yourself first and foremost, you don't just suddenly find someone sexually attractive now they're out of a relationship, it was there before you just didn't want to entertain those thoughts because you couldn't or should I say wouldn't act on them.
You've got to be honest with yourself first and foremost, you don't just suddenly find someone sexually attractive now they're out of a relationship, it was there before you just didn't want to entertain those thoughts because you couldn't or should I say wouldn't act on them.
R.O.S.S.I you really dont know the meaning of a friendship do you?, people bring their partners to the circle because of their trust in that circle, you and people like you are the reason why people dont involve their partners with their so called friends lol.
if you think this is ok then lets all have Jerry Springer style relationships all over the world, hell why not xD, just because you are on the receiving end you are ok with it, once you become Ben then please repeat your words that this is ok. Its just lame xD
People after long relationships specially womans go through emotional times and you took advantage of this. Bad very bad.
IMO rossi you have done nothing wrong, and it's nothing to do with the others what happens between 2 single people. Like you say you're not kids anymore and people/groups drift apart over time anyway.
Haha of course I know the meaning of friendship but how many relationships do you see that breakdown and how much the two who have broken up stay in touch and stay friends - an absolute miniscule percentage. Naturally the person who was introduced in to the group will drift away, it just happens.
No one has been taken advantage of, Beth was fully aware of feelings developing between each other as it was spoke about and as were both over our respective ex's it just happened
- so not sure what you are getting at with that comment. It
IMO rossi you have done nothing wrong, and it's nothing to do with the others what happens between 2 single people. Like you say you're not kids anymore and people/groups drift apart over time anyway.
You've got to be honest with yourself first and foremost, you don't just suddenly find someone sexually attractive now they're out of a relationship, it was there before you just didn't want to entertain those thoughts because you couldn't or should I say wouldn't act on them.
This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
