The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[Narj]

It's sort of like my brain is trying to sabotage things for me to keep me safe from potential hurt.

When you've had a few painful breakups already it's pretty natural to not want to go through it again. Head ruling heart if you will at the expense of potentially missing out.

Must admit I'm guilty of giving in to that natural defence mechanism. My brain tends to extrapolate things a lot and often concludes that it won't end well. It doesn't help that I tend to meet or get "set up" with the wrong sort of people - mainly those who want marriage/children who don't understand that it's non-negotiable.

 

[413x]

That might be the case but also just that feeling of "why would this person like me anyway?" etc, It's sort of like my brain is trying to sabotage things for me to keep me safe from potential hurt.


I end up feeling a bit of a mess and having to fight the urge to be constantly messaging and making contact to reassure myself, I try to keep as busy as possible and get on with life stuff to stop it so I appear to other person be a normal person! lol

Yeah many a time I could have sabotaged my current relationship in its early stages. I would want to send a 'needy' text. Or wonder why she hasn't replied etc. What I always did was write what I was planning to send and then look at it again a few hours later (or even better after the gym). See it looked needy/weak whatever and not send it.
Pretty sure if I hadn't I would have died.

 

[413x]

When you've had a few painful breakups already it's pretty natural to not want to go through it again. Head ruling heart if you will at the expense of potentially missing out.

Must admit I'm guilty of giving in to that natural defence mechanism. My brain tends to extrapolate things a lot and often concludes that it won't end well. It doesn't help that I tend to meet or get "set up" with the wrong sort of people - mainly those who want marriage/children who don't understand that it's non-negotiable.

Makes me wonder how many women are generally happy not wanting kid's. Is it 10pc or 1pc.
And of those, how many are nice people and not just cold money driven or bad crazy?

 

[valve90210]

Yeah many a time I could have sabotaged my current relationship in its early stages. I would want to send a 'needy' text. Or wonder why she hasn't replied etc. What I always did was write what I was planning to send and then look at it again a few hours later (or even better after the gym). See it looked needy/weak whatever and not send it.
Pretty sure if I hadn't I would have died.

So glad it's not just me!! Keeping busy at work and home seems to help a bit but it's still nagging in the back of my mind to want to be in contact! lol

 

[413x]

So glad it's not just me!! Keeping busy at work and home seems to help a bit but it's still nagging in the back of my mind to want to be in contact! lol

Yeah I know why I was like that, fallout from ex, protecting myself, anxiety etc etc. But thankfully method worked to not send that text. And that's good positive reinforcement that it was never a good idea.

My heart leads my emotionsand therefore actions , but I use my logical side to evaluate it. Seems to be best I can do, and taken me a lot of mental effort to 'check' cavalier emotional actions!

 

[413x]

Double post stupid slow new forum

 

[valve90210]

Yeah I know why I was like that, fallout from ex, protecting myself, anxiety etc etc. But thankfully method worked to not send that text. And that's good positive reinforcement that it was never a good idea.

My heart leads my emotionsand therefore actions , but I use my logical side to evaluate it. Seems to be best I can do, and taken me a lot of mental effort to 'check' cavalier emotional actions!

I guess that's probably why I'm feeling like it, I've had a crappy last 4 years or so and here's a possibility of something good and the emotional side of me wants to grab it with both hands...which will potentially strangle the life out of it. Getting my logical side to evaluate things is a good idea on the whole but it need working on and a real conscious effort to overcome that emotion-based response.

 

[Narj]

I guess that's probably why I'm feeling like it, I've had a crappy last 4 years or so and here's a possibility of something good and the emotional side of me wants to grab it with both hands...which will potentially strangle the life out of it. Getting my logical side to evaluate things is a good idea on the whole but it need working on and a real conscious effort to overcome that emotion-based response.

You just need to ensure that your expectations are realistic ("hey this might not work out but I may as well have fun doing cool stuff with someone different"). Some people pin all their hopes on something new and then feel even lower than before when the fairies and unicorns fail to materialise. Try to not let your emotions/anxieties run riot.

Makes me wonder how many women are generally happy not wanting kid's. Is it 10pc or 1pc.
And of those, how many are nice people and not just cold money driven or bad crazy?

It's definitely pretty rare. I think the qualities that make a good mother are very attractive personality traits in all honesty so I'm screwed (or not, as the case may be).

 

[valve90210]

You just need to ensure that your expectations are realistic ("hey this might not work out but I may as well have fun doing cool stuff with someone different").

Very good advice there, enjoy the moment and don't build things up in your head and pin all your hopes on it!

Some people pin all their hopes on something new and then feel even lower than before when the fairies and unicorns fail to materialise.

Yep, very much been there and done that!!

Try to not let your emotions/anxieties run riot.

It sounds so easy when you put it into words...

 

[Skillmister]

Reading the chain of posts above hits home with exactly how I was with my ex and previous girls I was dating. I used to get anxious if someone had read a message and not replied for an hour Since my break up in May I've been much more clear headed and "alpha" for want of a better word. I've been on dates with quite a number of girls now, some once or twice and some more.

Met up with one about 5 times but she was a doctor who mainly worked nights which meant we never met up at a time where it would naturally progress to anything more.. There was a bit of a spark there but to be honest she was too busy so when she didn't reply to a message one time even though it was mid conversation and seemed to be going well I just left it at that. Oddly for me, I didn't feel much urge to get back in contact whereas before I couldn't bear to leave something open ended like that.

Next one after her we went out twice, first date was probably the best first date spark ever (think I mentioned it in posts previously) but second was less so and afterwards she fessed up to wanting to be exclusive with someone else. Again, while it was a shame I just accepted it and moved on.

Then the current one which has ended in a fwb situation for the last 6 weeks or so, first date was good, bit of a spark but thought it was a slow burner. Second date went out for a drink and ended up back at my place. After that I got the impression she was looking for something more serious than I so I quizzed her and she said she wasn't, so we've ended up just meeting up once a week or so since 5* for bedroom antics the girl's insatiable

 

[Narj]

It sounds so easy when you put it into words...

Haha yep. I've passed up on a few opportunities in the past and really regretted it afterwards thanks to worrying too much. Also other various reasons - some stupid and some pretty sensible. I sometimes wish I had less integrity because I could have had a lot more fun.

 

[413x]

You just need to ensure that your expectations are realistic ("hey this might not work out but I may as well have fun doing cool stuff with someone different"). Some people pin all their hopes on something new and then feel even lower than before when the fairies and unicorns fail to materialise. Try to not let your emotions/anxieties run riot.


It's definitely pretty rare. I think the qualities that make a good mother are very attractive personality traits in all honesty so I'm screwed (or not, as the case may be).

Agreed. I think I go for the type who wants kids (in general). Caring, emotive, fun. I don't want corporate, cold, boring. Luckily I love animals so happy to find someone who prefers dogs!

 

[413x]

Yeah trick is making sure you don't put all your mental eggs into one basket. Easy to say, hard to do. This mindset is self destructive.

The more you like someone, the more you value it, but in this case more you force it. It plays on your mind, you wonder why she's read it but not replied. But have to make yourself step back from heat of the moment.

I like to think about and know..
If this doesn't work out there are others-Fact
Would I want to be harassed by someone-Unlikely.
Does this behaviour seem needy?-yes
Etc
It's annoying as you know the above is right, but, your emotions are raging. But they do need control. You here do much 'he was too needy'.

Pushing people rarely works. I know myself I hate being pressured.
But with a message (it's not a live conversation) you have opportunity to think and put yourself in the other person's shoes, read it back. You don't have to send it that second. I rewrote many messages after reading through an hour later.

Sometimes that damn alpha hard to get, rare is valuable, not being 100pc available is right in the dating phase

 

[valve90210]

Yeah trick is making sure you don't put all your mental eggs into one basket. Easy to say, hard to do. This mindset is self destructive.

The more you like someone, the more you value it, but in this case more you force it. It plays on your mind, you wonder why she's read it but not replied. But have to make yourself step back from heat of the moment.

I like to think about and know..
If this doesn't work out there are others-Fact
Would I want to be harassed by someone-Unlikely.
Does this behaviour seem needy?-yes
Etc
It's annoying as you know the above is right, but, your emotions are raging. But they do need control. You here do much 'he was too needy'.

Pushing people rarely works. I know myself I hate being pressured.
But with a message (it's not a live conversation) you have opportunity to think and put yourself in the other person's shoes, read it back. You don't have to send it that second. I rewrote many messages after reading through an hour later.

Sometimes that damn alpha hard to get, rare is valuable, not being 100pc available is right in the dating phase

Absolutely exactly right on all counts! Now if I can just get my brain working in this way I'll be a darn sight better feeling.

 

[Guest2]

Very similar to Skillmister myself with recent dating.
Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending how you look at it) i'm thinking with my head instead of my heart now. It got a bit stomped earlier on in the year so can't open up as much as I did.
It's hard not to think about the person who made me feel like that but guess that's life. At least i've adapted to not opening myself up to that again - yet anyway

 

[Skillmister]

Very similar to Skillmister myself with recent dating.
Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending how you look at it) i'm thinking with my head instead of my heart now. It got a bit stomped earlier on in the year so can't open up as much as I did.
It's hard not to think about the person who made me feel like that but guess that's life. At least i've adapted to not opening myself up to that again - yet anyway

I guess deep down I'm just not ready to commit to someone in the same way so that's making it easier. But i'm also not yearning too. I'm busy with work, studying and renovating my house. Fitting in mountain biking (both for enjoyment and to build up a circle of friends which is going well) and the gym in between leaves very little time, certainly not enough to commit to a relationship.

So the current arrangement is ideal If I start developing feelings towards her I'll re-evaluate, but I don't think I will. On one hand she is attractive, has a very good job with huge career prospects, has her head on straight and doesn't want kids at least in the near future. But on the other there are also a few reasons I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with her. I also don't think she's playing the long game trying to "win me over" as some of my (female) work colleagues seem to think. We discussed it again in jokey conversation at the weekend and appear to be on the same page - we agreed we are not exclusive but neither of us actually have time to see other people at the moment.

I passed my ex in the street last week, twice actually. Both times I smiled and said hi. Don't think she expected me to, so it was a bit of a delayed reciprocation from her. Made me feel like the better person

 

[Guest2]

I guess deep down I'm just not ready to commit to someone in the same way so that's making it easier. But i'm also not yearning too. I'm busy with work, studying and renovating my house. Fitting in mountain biking (both for enjoyment and to build up a circle of friends which is going well) and the gym in between leaves very little time, certainly not enough to commit to a relationship.

So the current arrangement is ideal If I start developing feelings towards her I'll re-evaluate, but I don't think I will. On one hand she is attractive, has a very good job with huge career prospects, has her head on straight and doesn't want kids at least in the near future. But on the other there are also a few reasons I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with her. I also don't think she's playing the long game trying to "win me over" as some of my (female) work colleagues seem to think. We discussed it again in jokey conversation at the weekend and appear to be on the same page - we agreed we are not exclusive but neither of us actually have time to see other people at the moment.

I passed my ex in the street last week, twice actually. Both times I smiled and said hi. Don't think she expected me to, so it was a bit of a delayed reciprocation from her. Made me feel like the better person

I'm in a similar position to you except we have both decided to be exclusive. She's not exactly a supermodel but then neither am I and she's no swamp donkey either!

She is really honest, which I like and we both share a similar sort of 'weirdness' which is hard to find in women.

Hopefully my heart will take oven from my head soon, but for now i'm in 'head' mode (no pun intended) and occasionally look on dating sites for a potential 'backup' in case things turn bad

 

[Tek81]

My situation seems to be going from bad to worse. My ex fiancé and I discussed 15 months ago my decision to return to uni as a mature student. She was very supportive of the decision and agreed that she'd help me pay one of my monthly bills during the term (about £280 pm), or at least until my studies allowed me to find a part time job (I'm a medical student, so spare time is short in supply). If she hadn't, I probably wouldn't have enrolled. Jump forward to now, two months into my degree and she decides to up and leave without giving me a reason. So, I find myself on a course that has cost me the best part of 30k and only very limited funds remaining to pay my bills (which are quickly running out). I've no idea what to do. I don't want to kill my credit rating, but I can't see any alternatives. I'm not willing to end my course either because it means so much to me. Any recommendations outside of selling body parts are welcomed.

 

[Dup]

My situation seems to be going from bad to worse. My ex fiancé and I discussed 15 months ago my decision to return to uni as a mature student. She was very supportive of the decision and agreed that she'd help me pay one of my monthly bills during the term (about £280 pm), or at least until my studies allowed me to find a part time job (I'm a medical student, so spare time is short in supply). If she hadn't, I probably wouldn't have enrolled. Jump forward to now, two months into my degree and she decides to up and leave without giving me a reason. So, I find myself on a course that has cost me the best part of 30k and only very limited funds remaining to pay my bills (which are quickly running out). I've no idea what to do. I don't want to kill my credit rating, but I can't see any alternatives. I'm not willing to end my course either because it means so much to me. Any recommendations outside of selling body parts are welcomed.

This is less of a relationship post, but I'm very sure the situation isn't a great time for you regardless of the financial side. But it's important now to sort the financial side of it out so you can move forward.

I'd be looking into getting bank work as a HCA. Keeps it relevant and you can pick/choose your hours to suit.

As for the fiancé... I'm sure there's a story there waiting to unwravel. I hope whatever happens you find some closure.

 

[Cold Fusion]

tek81,

I assume you are at university studying this medical course? i believe all university's have departments for Student Hardship and it might be worth contacting them to see if you are eligible for assistance.

Although i find it hard to believe she gave you 'no reason' for leaving i suspect there were further issues that led to her leaving other than monetary