The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[teaboy5]

Cheers for the offer I'm up in Newcastle though.

Just to add another dynamic to this, she wants me to attend a wedding with her tommorrow. Its been planned for a long time and she says she wants me there, but I'm damned if I'm going to be made a mug of.

Jesus don't even think about going. She will only want you there so she doesn't look the fool.

 

[Tek81]

The comment about the bills would have me running. Sounds like the type of woman who is happy to be married and spend money as long as it isn't her money.

Do her friends have kids and not work?

All of them work as far as I know, although only a couple of them have children.

 

[teaboy5]

All of them work as far as I know, although only a couple of them have children.

Well I was over thinking that bit. But with the comments she made I would be dropping her and just work on sorting the Uni stuff etc. Don't even consider the wedding, she is only doing that to suit herself.

 

[CREATIVE!11]

I never thought I'd be posting this, but I literally have no one to advise about things like this offline. I've been with my partner for seven years. We've been engaged for two and were hoping to marry within the next 18 months. I recently returned to university as a mature student (35) and discussed the implications of this with my partner before hand. In short, it was decided that it was a good idea and she encouraged me to do it. Roll on two months and we go out for a meal together. I could tell something wasn't right from the off. She was very quiet and distant. We arrive home and I ask her to tell me what's wrong. It was like getting blood from a stone. It turns out that she doesn't love me as much as she used to, and worse, that she resents having to pay some of the bills while I'm studying. She also implied that she wants to have children earlier than I want to and that she feels our relationship is directionless, whilst all her friends are married and have kids. This came as a complete shock, so much so that even now I don't know how to mentally process what she has said. I only returned to uni to better myself and ultimately build a better life for us both in the future. All of my plans involve her, and now I think I've lost her.

I honestly thought our relationship was stronger and that we could discuss any issues rather than bottling them up. I asked her if she still loves me and she said "well, yes." I feel like I'm about to lose my best friend. It's like I've spent almost a decade getting to know someone only to find out I hardly know them at all.

/emotional-vent

Advice, hugs.....beer, welcomed.

Kick her ass to the curb, hit the gym, delete facebook, lawyer up.

Complete your studies, better yourself and find someone who will appreciate you more.

 

[Dave M]

Just to add another dynamic to this, she wants me to attend a wedding with her tommorrow. Its been planned for a long time and she says she wants me there, but I'm damned if I'm going to be made a mug of.

To add another side - you say it was like getting blood from a stone, it could be these aren't fully formed final thoughts in her head, just odd feelings, and by pushing you've made her jump to an instinctive answer.

It would be rash to throw it in without giving her chance to sort her head out (I'm assuming from your post this has happened over a matter of days?).

 

[Tek81]

Yep, this was on Friday just gone. She now says she loves me and is acting like it was no big deal. It's like she didn't mean it or she didn't choose her words correctly. Problem is, I don't know if she's being honest or not and I can't be done with going through that again.

 

[Hades]

It does sound like her friends may have pointed out that you won't be able to support her and children while at uni. So by the time you've finished uni you'll be late thirties and just starting a new career. You'll be in your 40's, and presumably she will be late 30's, before you've reaped the benefit of uni, started moving up the career ladder and able to financially support children and support her while she has them. That's quite late in the day for planning to have children.

I think you need to sit down and have an honest conversaton about it with her. It will do neither of you any good to drift for a few year uncertain whether she will want to stay longer term. You'll have to be completely honest with each other over it and talk through what both of you really want. It needs to cover the future rather than just how you are both feeling now.

 

[omnomnom]

Women rarely have a middle ground...it's nothing or its taken to ridiculous extremes which seems to be the case here. They are always looking at other people and asking "why not me?".

I'd give it time and I'd give her some space. The whole "kick to the curb" argument is ridiculous. She hasn't slept with someone...she's just been honest. Maybe she's scared about how she will support you? Maybe it's the pressure weighing her down?

Just speak to her, don't throw your toys out of the pram and not go to this wedding. You must have agreed to go initially if not for her but the couple getting married so don't be "that guy" and go.

 

[iamtheoneneo]

Yep, this was on Friday just gone. She now says she loves me and is acting like it was no big deal. It's like she didn't mean it or she didn't choose her words correctly. Problem is, I don't know if she's being honest or not and I can't be done with going through that again.

sounds like she is mega broody. You at uni is only delaying her long term goals. Have you spoken properly about kids etc? You said you were planning on getting married which would be seen by many traditionalists as the first big step to having kids.

This could be 100% frustration on her part, especially if all her friends are well ahead of her in the game of life.
Many ways to read this, but knowing my wife a few years ago its was all kids/marriage and nothing else really mattered.
I assume she is of similar age to you which means that time actually is running out to have kids - that is a massive emotional burden if you are a women.

If your not ready for kids and she is then that can be relationship ending tbh, all this other stuff she is spouting is likely a smoke screen.

 

[teaboy5]

She stated she doesn't love you as much. At this point she has made her mind up and is now more than likely just telling you what you want to hear.

If it was me alarm bells would be ringing. What if she comes out with this again when you're married.

 

[malachi]

Sounds like to me its time to plans for the future and its without her. Crap as it may seem at the moment.

And fair play to you trying to better yourself, especially at your age, going to uni etc. One way to get back at someone is to be successful. If you do break up, she will regret it in a few years time.

 

[Tek81]

She stated she doesn't love you as much. At this point she has made her mind up and is now more than likely just telling you what you want to hear.

If it was me alarm bells would be ringing. What if she comes out with this again when you're married.

Yep, that's my concern. I just don't know if she's saying what she thinks I want to hear, or if she means it.

To make matters more complicated, she was crying last night. I asked her why and we hugged. She told me that the pressure of a family members wedding was the instigator in all this, although there are other reasons. I've been very focussed on my career / life goals / potential luxuries afforded by a decent income, and she has been made to feel that I've sidelined marriage and kids in favour of that. The extra time studying only serves to prolong the time until we can do that.

The irony though? Although we both come from very different backgrounds; my family is quite well off, hers isn't. I was brought up to aspire to the nicer things in life, she wasn't. I'd give it all up and quite happily live in a caravan with her if it meant being together. She once told me that "she doesn't care where we live, or what we can and cannot afford, just as long as we're together." I should have listened.

 

[Tek81]

Thanks for the comments btw. Appreciated

 

[413x]

The kids going is tough if you're at that age and she wants them and feels she has to delay. That's just going to cause endless strain. Agree that you need to have a proper talk about the future, the cause of your post is a good starter.

Been with my gf only couple of years now, if she does change her mind about kids it will be game over. But as she's only 25 it could be a while yet. She says no to kids now, but know forewell how that can change

 

[itchy]

I should reply here but have far too much **** on my plate to even explain.

But good luck guys I know what you are going through.

 

[Narj]

Been with my gf only couple of years now, if she does change her mind about kids it will be game over. But as she's only 25 it could be a while yet. She says no to kids now, but know forewell how that can change

Usually once they start approaching 30 the peer pressure and biological urges kick in. Enjoy the next few years while you can.

 

[Phonesis]

Been playing around with online dating again after being single last few months. My god.. forgot how much work it is. Had a date the other night with a girl I hadn't spoken to that much. I got this impression she had been on Tinder a long time because she was messaging me like it was some sort of routine / formula.

Anyway, we met up. Had a lovely eve together. Jokes, lots of conversation, 2-3 hours passed. She was a little tipsy but by no means drunk. At end of eve, I came out and said be great to do something again. She agreed and text me once she got home saying it had been lovely. Again, I replied and suggested a second date. She agreed and said she was really keen.

2 days pass... I text her and ask her if she's still up for a second date. Get an essay going on about how, in hindsight, she didn't feel there was any chemistry. What do girls like that expect from a first date?! It's as if they are stuck in this perpetual loop of thinking they will find the "perfect" match on there.

Anyway, I tried to handle it sensibly but did feel compelled to tell her that I was pretty stunned. Apparently that meant I was unable to handle the rejection gracefully... meh.

 

[Ayahuasca]

She simply got messaging a more intriguing Chad on tinder, the brutal reality of that app is there's always going to be someone portaying themselves as more interesting or better looking to these women and you're being instantly compared to them.

There's no point trying to ask for explanations from these women as they're never going to be honest with you on the real reason.

 

[Dup]

The problem with online dating is in between one message to another, they can match and talk to the next hottest thing and it turns into a perpetual merry-go-round. Over the last few years I've been on and off online dating and years later I still see the same people, which tells you all you need to know about them and online dating (as you yourself are back on there, haha).

So first impressions do count on a date and it can be hard work, just gotta keep moving forward. The worst is when you have 4/5 great dates but that new interest pops up. You even find it yourself you'll see someone who might be better. Play it cool, don't put all your eggs in one basket and don't take dating to heart.

I've been lucky this time around, she was matching idiots and getting fed up with it, we met, we were both pretty awkward and took a few dates to get settled with each other but now we're both off the dating sites and seeing how it goes. I've met her daughter and we're spending good time together, but this is after dating a few others.

 

[413x]

Sounds like a common problem people who have been on it too long have.
Can't settle on anyt if it isn't perfect as next thing might be better.

I had the above, a girl with 5 dates, all absolutely fine, then I assume next best thing came along and complete silent treatment. Fine, if it's one or two date's, but to mot even give a straight answer after 5 dates is not on. After that I abandoned Internet dating!

Also girls they lose nothing going on dates they don't care about. Sometimes no cost to them either.