The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[Skillmister]

The last girl I went on a date with prior to my current fwb situation was one of the best first dates for initial chemistry I've ever had. But then the second date some of that had disappeared and she texted me after to say she'd had a great time meeting me but had decided to give it a go with someone else so didn't want to go out again. I said I appreciated her honesty (which I did, that's rare in my experience), deleted her and moved on. We were both playing the game and on that occasion I lost out to a better Chad

I've swiped past loads of people I recognise from Tinder etc from before I was with my ex, so we're talking 3 years ago now. Went on 4 or 5 dates with one that I remember matching with, texting for a while but never actually meeting up with before, but it didn't work out this time either

I used to take an emotional beating from getting rejected but now I don't.

 

[Phonesis]

She simply got messaging a more intriguing Chad on tinder, the brutal reality of that app is there's always going to be someone portaying themselves as more interesting or better looking to these women and you're being instantly compared to them.

There's no point trying to ask for explanations from these women as they're never going to be honest with you on the real reason.

Yeah guess so. Thanks man, needed that. It did upset me if I'm honest as I was convinced the date had gone well. Felt so cruel of them to just cancel on me even after originally saying they were up for second date.

I remember all this now! I just tend to be way too logically minded for dating sometimes. Can't understand these "no chemistry" placeholder messages you often get. All just a smokescreen for something else half the time.

 

[Steampunk]

Yeah guess so. Thanks man, needed that. It did upset me if I'm honest as I was convinced the date had gone well. Felt so cruel of them to just cancel on me even after originally saying they were up for second date.

I remember all this now! I just tend to be way too logically minded for dating sometimes. Can't understand these "no chemistry" placeholder messages you often get. All just a smokescreen for something else half the time.

Men are referred to as loving "the thrill of the chase", but the truth is so do women, only often they love being chased. Combined with Disney Princess Syndrome where they expect to meet a man and instantly feel ecstasy and hear heavenly choirs it's no wonder the same women are always looking to the next man/date. They are never in the present giving it an honest chance, because they are always on dating apps shopping for the next date. They've got no concept of a slow burn relationship that builds something over a longer period of actually getting to know someone, and no willingness to actually commit to giving someone a chance over more than a date or two.

Don't feel bad about being rejected by these sort of women. It's quite possible they are emotionally broken from this constant life of dating, but never really engaging with anyone in any meaningful way.

 

[Phonesis]

Men are referred to as loving "the thrill of the chase", but the truth is so do women, only often they love being chased. Combined with Disney Princess Syndrome where they expect to meet a man and instantly feel ecstasy and hear heavenly choirs it's no wonder the same women are always looking to the next man/date. They are never in the present giving it an honest chance, because they are always on dating apps shopping for the next date. They've got no concept of a slow burn relationship that builds something over a longer period of actually getting to know someone, and no willingness to actually commit to giving someone a chance over more than a date or two.

Don't feel bad about being rejected by these sort of women. It's quite possible they are emotionally broken from this constant life of dating, but never really engaging with anyone in any meaningful way.

Great post. Some wise words there. It really does frustrate me when you come across these girls who, even after a good date, turn you down because they didn't think there was any chemistry. Sometimes it's clearly the case that the chemistry wasn't there, and that is fine. But more often than not I find it was there... yet they say it wasn't. Like you say, feels to me like a lot of the time it's the Disney Princess Syndrome. They expect a first date to be perfect and anything less means they drop you and move onto next Chad. Just wish these people took a step back and realised the flaw in their approach. But I suspect they will continue on the merry-go-round for a long time to come instead.

 

[413x]

Great post. Some wise words there. It really does frustrate me when you come across these girls who, even after a good date, turn you down because they didn't think there was any chemistry. Sometimes it's clearly the case that the chemistry wasn't there, and that is fine. But more often than not I find it was there... yet they say it wasn't. Like you say, feels to me like a lot of the time it's the Disney Princess Syndrome. They expect a first date to be perfect and anything less means they drop you and move onto next Chad. Just wish these people took a step back and realised the flaw in their approach. But I suspect they will continue on the merry-go-round for a long time to come instead.

On flip side, good to get ones like this out of the way early!
Obviously not just women who do this

 

[Phonesis]

On flip side, good to get ones like this out of the way early!
Obviously not just women who do this

Haha yeah, although I am now just paranoid the next one I speak to will be the same. Need some way of detecting it early on! Yeah I can imagine men do it for sure. Not in my DNA to be like that though. What probably makes matters worse is I bet some of these people do it because it was done to them and they feel it's the way the game gets played.

I am half tempted to delete my pro again. Maybe try Guardian Soulmates. No way I can bring myself to go down the road of POF and alike.

 

[413x]

Haha yeah, although I am now just paranoid the next one I speak to will be the same. Need some way of detecting it early on! Yeah I can imagine men do it for sure. Not in my DNA to be like that though. What probably makes matters worse is I bet some of these people do it because it was done to them and they feel it's the way the game gets played.

I am half tempted to delete my pro again. Maybe try Guardian Soulmates. No way I can bring myself to go down the road of POF and alike.

Only thing that worked for me personally is social in person group. You get to know people naturally. And if it's like a hobby you already are filtering out a whole load of people.

Because most people don't fit my needs it saved a lot of hassle and took the production line effect out of the equation

 

[Phonesis]

Only thing that worked for me personally is social in person group. You get to know people naturally. And if it's like a hobby you already are filtering out a whole load of people.

Because most people don't fit my needs it saved a lot of hassle and took the production line effect out of the equation

Yeah for sure. I have pulled a fair few times in person over the last few years. It's definitely the best way. Just unfortunately not many girls in my social circle right now. And I work with none either. So it's tough.

 

[413x]

Yeah for sure. I have pulled a fair few times in person over the last few years. It's definitely the best way. Just unfortunately not many girls in my social circle right now. And I work with none either. So it's tough.

Can highly recommend meetup. Especially if you are in a city. Found mine in a geek type group

 

[Narj]

Can highly recommend meetup. Especially if you are in a city. Found mine in a geek type group

You do get some weirdos though - I know someone that was using meetup to establish a group but ended up having to eject some crazies. Now they have an established group they just all stay in touch through a private FB group I think. I was thinking about it once to expand a group I run but was advised against it. I think about 35 is big enough anyhow.

Some of those groups in London look quite fun though. Might have to have a look at one of the tabletop gaming groups as I never did any of that as a kid and wouldn't mind a go.

 

[Guest2]

I've had the most success with POF - Maybe 15-20 dates in total.
Currently been with a girl on POF since about September but only recently started seeing each other frequently. Going well and have both decided to be 'exclusive'

 

[Guest2]

Advice fellow overclockers.
Whilst it is going well with a girl I met online, it just doesn't feel the same as someone else I was with not too long ago.

We get on with each other well, very honest and the sex is good. There's a missing feeling however - something that made me feel all warm inside whenever i was close to said previous girl and made me feel like i would do anything to even be near her and when I was it was like I was in a dream / fairytale. I'm not sure if this was love or lust.

People here suggested lust, however i'm easily getting enough at the moment for it to not be lust.

Current girl really likes me and I like her, however i think she likes me more. If she likes me as much as i did someone else 9 months ago and I decide to call things off, she's in for a very rough ride. I don't want things to end and will wait to see if feelings develop but the feelings before didn't take long at all to develop.

 

[krooton]

Whilst it is important to learn from our previous relationships, you cannot really compare people directly to other people in terms of how they make you feel, there are so many aspects that make up you, your partner, and your realtionship.

As an example, having a particularily good run of general luck (not directly related to the relationship) can make a relationship look artificially better.

 

[valve90210]

Does anyone else suffer horribly from uncertainty, self-doubt and paranoia when they have been out with someone a handful of times, all of which have been lovely?

 

[Guest2]

Does anyone else suffer horribly from uncertainty, self-doubt and paranoia when they have been out with someone a handful of times, all of which have been lovely?

I didn't use to but do a bot now - not paranoia etc. but do have doubt.

I expect this is because you don't want things to bad and end up getting hurt (or at least that's what i believe it is)

 

[413x]

Yeah, it's kind of justified (especially when you've been through the mill) but obviously does you or the 'relationship' no good.

That damn alpha stuff is kind of applicable. Not appearing needy, dependant, fragile etc etc.
I always tell myself now that even if person X doesn't work out, it's because of a good reason, and there will be another which may be better. Both I believe are true. But you have to believe it. Not just say it to yourself.

 

[colzboppo]

Advice fellow overclockers.
Whilst it is going well with a girl I met online, it just doesn't feel the same as someone else I was with not too long ago.

You're probably not over your ex, is there an aspect of your breakup from said previous that is perhaps unresolved, something you still wish to say to her, or maybe not given yourself enough time to be ready for a new relationship?

This new girl might just be your way of trying to deal with / get over the last one, and that sadly will only turn out one way for her, as you alluded.

I don't want to be judgemental because relationships are complicated and make us do crazy things, I have a tendency to rush headstrong into these situations given half the chance.

I'm trying dating again, but first I feel I need to draw a definite line underneath the last girl before I commit, so that there's no doubt in my mind there's no going back.

Good luck

 

[Guest2]

Looking at things differently, maybe i have put up (without knowing it) a bit of a barrier/shield/defense with the current girl so i don't get hurt as i did before.
Sort of convinsing myself that it won't be much of a loss if things don't work out. It take me over 6 month to get over the girl before which was tough to say the least.
I think you paranoia and self doubt is just a natural defense, similar to my 'not caring' or severed feelings

 

[Guest2]

You're probably not over your ex, is there an aspect of your breakup from said previous that is perhaps unresolved, something you still wish to say to her, or maybe not given yourself enough time to be ready for a new relationship?

This new girl might just be your way of trying to deal with / get over the last one, and that sadly will only turn out one way for her, as you alluded.

I don't want to be judgemental because relationships are complicated and make us do crazy things, I have a tendency to rush headstrong into these situations given half the chance.

I'm trying dating again, but first I feel I need to draw a definite line underneath the last girl before I commit, so that there's no doubt in my mind there's no going back.

Good luck

Interesting theory but she made her feelings clear so there's no going back. People said here it was 'lust' but im sceptical about that - I actually think it was my first (proper) love. She wasn't even my girlfried - friends for a couple of years and had sex only a handful of times. We both said it was just going to be a bit of fun but I clearly wasn't capable of that (with her anyway)
Life lesson i guess. You can't always get what you want in life. Move on and find soneone who likes me as much as I liked her

 

[valve90210]

I didn't use to but do a bot now - not paranoia etc. but do have doubt.

I expect this is because you don't want things to bad and end up getting hurt (or at least that's what i believe it is)

That might be the case but also just that feeling of "why would this person like me anyway?" etc, It's sort of like my brain is trying to sabotage things for me to keep me safe from potential hurt.

Yeah, it's kind of justified (especially when you've been through the mill) but obviously does you or the 'relationship' no good.

That damn alpha stuff is kind of applicable. Not appearing needy, dependant, fragile etc etc.
I always tell myself now that even if person X doesn't work out, it's because of a good reason, and there will be another which may be better. Both I believe are true. But you have to believe it. Not just say it to yourself.

I end up feeling a bit of a mess and having to fight the urge to be constantly messaging and making contact to reassure myself, I try to keep as busy as possible and get on with life stuff to stop it so I appear to other person be a normal person! lol