The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

KillBoY_UK said:
I've always found it hard to get the balance right between messaging enough to seem interested and too much and being seen as needy etc
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Have to judge it per person. Some people check their phones every 5 minutes but others might every couple of hours as they are in work. One thing that will make you look needy though it sending multiple messages in-between the other person replying. (unless it's genuinely something that adds to the conversation)
 
KillBoY_UK said:
I've always found it hard to get the balance right between messaging enough to seem interested and too much and being seen as needy etc
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I hate trying to chat people up over messaging full stop. Not only is it hard to get the balance right, it's almost impossible to pick up if things are going well or not. I can't stand it, chatting to people in person is so much easier as you can usually tell exactly how it's going.

This is why I fail at tinder.
 
XeNoN89 said:
I hate trying to chat people up over messaging full stop. Not only is it hard to get the balance right, it's almost impossible to pick up if things are going well or not. I can't stand it, chatting to people in person is so much easier as you can usually tell exactly how it's going.

This is why I fail at tinder.
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It's impossible.
The best people in real life I usually find are the People slow to respond to texts.

Because they have a life away from their phon, they are not constantly on the dating apps (looking for others), and aren' nneed.

But then i never got online dating to work for me either.
-Too artificial.
-Too many games.
-candy shop problem.
-having to pay out constantly for dates
-mean nothing
-pictures are deceptive.

Main issue for me is the forced/artificial nature of it. I didn't meet one girl who blew me away.

Also, its well known that the vast majority of language is unspoken body language etc. How can you possibly gauge from text? You start reading too much into things or missing so much.

And yeah, never multi text between texts. If they are interested, they will reply. If not, you won't change it by multi messaging.
 
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413x said:
It's impossible.
The best people in real life I usually find are the People slow to respond to texts.

Because they have a life away from their phon, they are not constantly on the dating apps (looking for others), and aren' nneed.

But then i never got online dating to work for me either.
-Too artificial.
-Too many games.
-candy shop problem.
-having to pay out constantly for dates
-mean nothing
-pictures are deceptive.

Main issue for me is the forced/artificial nature of it. I didn't meet one girl who blew me away.

Also, its well known that the vast majority of language is unspoken body language etc. How can you possibly gauge from text? You start reading too much into things or missing so much.

And yeah, never multi text between texts. If they are interested, they will reply. If not, you won't change it by multi messaging.
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candy shop problem...what is that?
 
malachi said:
candy shop problem...what is that?
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Too much choice, for all involved. You're not the only one talking to someone and they're not the only one talking to you... it makes it quite the fickle experience.

Used online stuff for years and there were still the same usual suspects actively using the sites/apps from when I started which said a lot about them, especially when you're into your 30s and beyond. Hard to find someone who will settle with you and vice versa.

Who I'm with now basically invited me out for a walk with the dogs within about 3 messages, no messing about. So different to what I was used to, but this way has proved to work... just. Just as well really as she's pregnant now!
 
malachi said:
candy shop problem...what is that?
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It's a tag phrase.

Because Internet dating has infinite options that the person you are messaging can at any point find someone they prefer.. And.. The next as yet unseen encounter may be better than who they are talking to, thus they never settle.
 
The candy shop problem eventually bites you. Especially girls.
Wait too long and you yourself start to fall down the desirability index.

Usually the more shallow people that fall foul. So a dodged bullet. But it still wastes everyone's time
 
Naa looks like I've been ghosted, not to the next one I guess
SPG said:
Just ask her..... Two outcomes.... YES or NO if its YES then great , if its NO it was not meant to and back to square one with a lump of rejection that should last about 30 seconds
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Naa looks like I've been ghosted, not to the next one I guess
 
Ultimately, any relationship is going to happen one-on-one, in person. The texting part is, for me, just to scope out any potential meeting of minds and of interests but ultimately you're going to have to meet. Cutting to this sooner rather than later stops everybody wasting their time. From the female perspective they may need a little extra time to try to better ascertain that you're not an axe-wielding rapist / other class of weirdo but generally - without being pushy - I would try to do it sooner rather than later.

In fact, the first gauge of potential interest for me after a few in-app message exchanges is that I will provide them my phone number and suggest that if they are interested they contact me through Whatsapp rather than the antiquated annoyance of whichever dating app we're currently using. If they message you, you've breached one stage, the next, a little further along, is asking them to meet in person.

I'm no expert... I really can't stand the 'game'... but this has worked for me.
 
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Daftbrown said:
Ultimately, any relationship is going to happen one-on-one, in person. The texting part is, for me, just to scope out any potential meeting of minds and of interests but ultimately you're going to have to meet. Cutting to this sooner rather than later stops everybody wasting their time. From the female perspective they may need a little extra time to try to better ascertain that you're not an axe-wielding rapist / other class of weirdo but generally - without being pushy - I would try to do it sooner rather than later.

In fact, the first gauge of potential interest for me after a few in-app message exchanges is that I will provide them my phone number and suggest that if they are interested they contact me through Whatsapp rather than the antiquated annoyance of whichever dating app we're currently using. If they message you, you've breached one stage, the next, a little further along, is asking them to meet in person.

I'm no expert... I really can't stand the 'game'... but this has worked for me.
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Yer I can't really stand "the game" as well, if you are intrested In a person say so if not say so, don't pee around wasting both pepoles time.

At the very least say "sorry not interested" instead of ghosting/blanking someone which is just massively rude imo.
 
Roar87 said:
You didn't use the whole "me, you, bar, you in?" line did you?
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ofc not it was a summary

Yesterday I asked how her day was (she does a stressful job) I was going to ask her yesterday after I got an answer to that, but I never did. So I never followed it up with asking her out lo
 
KillBoY_UK said:
Yesterday I asked how her day was (she does a stressful job) I was going to ask her yesterday after I got an answer to that, but I never did. So I never followed it up with asking her out lo
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I'd ask them out pretty early on tbh... you both know why you're there.

I think while it might be good to ask a few questions about them initially to find out about them personally, what their interests are, what they do for a living etc..etc.. beyond that you ought to just meet them rather than drag out a conversation with stuff like "how was your day?".

A first date can literally be something as simple as coffee - you're doing each other a favour there as either of you could decide that you're not right early on without wasting half an evening and a wad of cash on dinner or several rounds of drinks or movie + drinks + popcorn etc..etc.

someone I know lined up several dozen dates for coffee, she spent weeks doing this, she'd basically message people, arrange to meet up and then just meet them for coffee at lunch... you can often tell fairly early on whether you click with someone or at least whether you definitely don't click with them. If she didn't like them then she'd drink it quickly and head back to the office... literally just takes 15 minutes of your lunch break to do that.

She was able to get through a whole load of dates until she found someone who ticked all the right boxes... and is now married to him.
 
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