Engagement questions

[Randomface74]

I don't think you should ask the dad unless you're genuinely willing to obey him.
If he says yes - go for it.
If he says no - you break up.

If you'd do it anyway if he says no - then you aren't really showing him any respect - so the whole thing is a bit of an insult.

 

[Penfold101]

I imagine for some people and in some families is does matter. Like if you paid less than a few grand it would be seen as a cheap gesture and you weren't serious or dependable enough for their daughter.

That’s a red flag to GTFO when they demand you spend a specific amount on them - need to be dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century.

 

[Begbie]

I don't think you should ask the dad unless you're genuinely willing to obey him.
If he says yes - go for it.
If he says no - you break up.

If you'd do it anyway if he says no - then you aren't really showing him any respect - so the whole thing is a bit of an insult.

Or if you beleive his decision is more important than the girl you want to marry. Fathers don't own their daugthers anymore, it's such a silly sexist thing to do in current days.

 

[dirtychinchilla]

3) We were supposed to take a holiday to Istanbul and the plan was to propose whilst there, when we booked the flights I told her to check if she needed a visa or anything as I'm dual national Turkish & UK passport holder. She never did, and didn't realise her ID card wasnt sufficient and would've needed a passport, the realisation was whilst trying to check in - the night before the 7am flight , lot of tears, lot of disappointment as it was a major holiday we'd been planning for months, we cancelled her ticket and got her a ticket to go see her parents and to apply for her passport and I carried on to Istanbul the following morning but not before us finding ourselves laughing about the situation at 2am in bed, I realised then that if we could laugh together at a time like that, we'd be fine no matter what so then and there I proposed.

As it happens I reproposed later on with the new ring at the butterfly farm in stratford upon avon after a boat ride up the river and before a wonderful meal at lamb on sheep street. She was happy - or so she said

TLDR: Even if everything goes pete tong, don't panic!

What, you thought she could get to Turkey without a passport?!

 

[Ugley_Matt]

Thats a classic Don't Tell The Bride moment right there.

 

[Lysander]

What, you thought she could get to Turkey without a passport?!

As far as I'm aware you can get to Turkey without a passport and just a national ID card in some cases.

 

[CaptainRAVE]

1) Assuming you asked her Dad for his blessing, how did you go about this?

2) In terms of the proportion of gross annual salary at the time, how much was the ring?

3) How did you propose?

1) No, but I did tell them when I bought the ring.
2) Was probably about 3-4 months salary.
3) Abroad, one evening, on a Jetty, off-season so lovely and quiet, followed up with a fancy meal and then flowers and champagne waiting for us in our room. Managed to keep it under wraps for 4 months, although literally everyone knew except her.

 

[iamtheoneneo]

1. Old fashioned so no.
2. about 1k I think. she picked it via a phone photo.
3. Palm Springs, US in a pool at night after having a meal.

 

[ahar]

2) De Beers made this up as a marketing thing - ignore it and buy what you want (my wife used to work in marketing in De Beers!)

 

[Greebo]

1) Assuming you asked her Dad for his blessing, how did you go about this?

2) In terms of the proportion of gross annual salary at the time, how much was the ring?

3) How did you propose?

1. Didn't. We don't live in Victorian times

2. £0. Engagement rings are a mugs game (Gave her my grandmothers engagement ring)

3. After a night out while we are out in the garden with the dog for toileting

 

[GuitarGuy]

What, you thought she could get to Turkey without a passport?!

As far as I'm aware you can get to Turkey without a passport and just a national ID card in some cases.

Precisely as Lysander said, many eu countrys ID cards are sufficient to go to turkey on and if you can go, you can get the visa at the airport, if youve not got a criminal record they always grant a tourism visa, they hand out visa cards on the plane for brits for example.

In my defence, she knew we were going for a long time, most of the written info was in czech for their agreements with turkey so I left it with her lol

 

[ttaskmaster]

LOL at the 'Alpha' males telling their women that they will be married, while at the same time bleating that asking the father is sexist because they don't own their daughters...
If asking is such an outdated tradition, how come you're getting married in the first place - Surely that is just as outdated?

 

[Chris Wilson]

Any Englishman capable of reading and assimilating UK divorce law has to be insane to get married at all these days.... Or even cohabit with some bint. You don't need to buy a pub to have a drink.

 

[Lysander]

LOL at the 'Alpha' males telling their women that they will be married, while at the same time bleating that asking the father is sexist because they don't own their daughters...
If asking is such an outdated tradition, how come you're getting married in the first place - Surely that is just as outdated?

I don't think marriage is going anywhere, it's been part of human history for thousands of years, and for many [i.e. most] people it's done for romantic as well as practical reasons. These days marriage is looked on as increasingly irrelevant, which I totally understand because it's it's not practically necessary, but that doesn't cover the romantic element. A lot of people dream of marriage from an early age and even plan their wedding multiple times over in their head.

If you're in love with a girl who's always had a dream of getting married in a certain way, it's going to be hard to say no after a while, unless you're willing to become a permanent source of resentment or you decide to move on.

 

[ttaskmaster]

A lot of people dream of marriage from an early age and even plan their wedding multiple times over in their head.

Do fathers not also dream of some stand-up guy with respect for traditions coming to respectfully ask for their daughter's hand, too, though?

 

[Unseul]

LOL at the 'Alpha' males telling their women that they will be married, while at the same time bleating that asking the father is sexist because they don't own their daughters...
If asking is such an outdated tradition, how come you're getting married in the first place - Surely that is just as outdated?

Who are the "alpha" males here telling their women they will be married?

Marriage is very old, but I don't know if it's yet outdated, it's still a formal promise recognised by governments all over the world. A much larger step than simply making a promise to each other, you're making a promise to the world. It comes with numerous tax and legal benefits. Especially when dealing with people from different countries.

 

[Lysander]

Do fathers not also dream of some stand-up guy with respect for traditions coming to respectfully ask for their daughter's hand, too, though?

I can only speculate. Some do, while I imagine others couldn't give a monkey's.

 

[GuitarGuy]

Who are the "alpha" males here telling their women they will be married?

Marriage is very old, but I don't know if it's yet outdated, it's still a formal promise recognised by governments all over the world. A much larger step than simply making a promise to each other, you're making a promise to the world. It comes with numerous tax and legal benefits. Especially when dealing with people from different countries.

You can say that again, if I want to work in europe post brexit I'll just pick up a Czech citizenship once married

 

[alchal]

Any Englishman capable of reading and assimilating UK divorce law has to be insane to get married at all these days.... Or even cohabit with some bint. You don't need to buy a pub to have a drink.

This.
Having known a lot of the crap some people are going through and losing in a divorce gives me nightmares.
Also people who get married then are afraid to divorce and are unhappy ever after due to the cost and complications divorce can bring...

Nah.

 

[EvilRob]

See I don't understand the respect thing either. Surely the most important person to get the "Yes" from, is the future spouse... how can it be respectful to inform/ask for blessing anyone else before informing the person you're planning to marry? I can understand excitedly telling a best mate/your family, that you're planning on popping the question, but informing her family, before her? Just don't get it.

That said, in the case of the fella above with the very very traditional family from a non-western culture, then I can understand it more, since quite simply without it, you probably aren't getting married.

I think there can still be a middle ground in traditional families. My wife's family are Indian. I purposely didn't meet her parents whilst we were dating as we knew there was a high chance they would start interfering.

After I proposed, I met her parents a couple of times over the next week and then I told them I'd proposed to their daughter and asked for their blessing for our marriage. If they had said no we still would have got married, but it showed some respect.

In his head, my father in law has converted this to me asking his permission (he even mentioned it in his wedding speech) but he is really happy about it so I never say anything to him when he says it