Or not as the case may be!
The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
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Caporegime
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Why do humans fall in love so easily? or is it just me?
Just came back from 2 weeks in Japan. I went there with 3 other people, shared a room with a woman I met in Japan 6 years ago. She is from HK so we both speak Cantonese. We are the same age too (although she looks 10 years younger). I met her at that staircase from the anime Your Name. At the time I asked her and her boyfriend back then if they could pose for me and recreate that shot from the movie. I then sent it to them on Facebook and that was it and no contact with her basically since except in January she got a spam message from someone also call Raymond asking if that was me.
When I was in HK in April for 2 weeks with family, I had a free day so I sent her a message and we met up for lunch. We kept in touch since and she had broken up with that guy in the photo. I said I wanted to go back to Japan (she travels a lot, like 8+ times a year) and I booked my just returned trip in November. She said she would love to join me as travelling is her passion (along with Parrots and animals). I said that's fine as I never traveled Japan with company and 2 of her friends also are coming too.
It ended me with me and her sharing a room for 2 weeks, the 2 friends are a married couple. But her friends can only be there for 8 nights and it was just me and her for the last 5 nights.
I am back to Hong Kong next weekend...and she bought a ticket to the UK for next May.
Part of me is hopeful but a big part of me is thinking how is this even going to work???
Just came back from 2 weeks in Japan. I went there with 3 other people, shared a room with a woman I met in Japan 6 years ago. She is from HK so we both speak Cantonese. We are the same age too (although she looks 10 years younger). I met her at that staircase from the anime Your Name. At the time I asked her and her boyfriend back then if they could pose for me and recreate that shot from the movie. I then sent it to them on Facebook and that was it and no contact with her basically since except in January she got a spam message from someone also call Raymond asking if that was me.
When I was in HK in April for 2 weeks with family, I had a free day so I sent her a message and we met up for lunch. We kept in touch since and she had broken up with that guy in the photo. I said I wanted to go back to Japan (she travels a lot, like 8+ times a year) and I booked my just returned trip in November. She said she would love to join me as travelling is her passion (along with Parrots and animals). I said that's fine as I never traveled Japan with company and 2 of her friends also are coming too.
It ended me with me and her sharing a room for 2 weeks, the 2 friends are a married couple. But her friends can only be there for 8 nights and it was just me and her for the last 5 nights.
I am back to Hong Kong next weekend...and she bought a ticket to the UK for next May.
Part of me is hopeful but a big part of me is thinking how is this even going to work???
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Men and women cannot be "just" friends..
Good luck to you, sounds like you have a lot in common, if there is will there is always a way. Don't think about the how's and what if's too much, just go with the flow. Rooting for you, love is a beautiful thing....
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Caporegime
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You say that but one of her best friend is a guy (married with a kid), and they talk all the time, even when i am there and he seems like a good bloke. They also have travelled together, along with his wife and kid.
While we have some things in common, she also made me aware of the fact that i have lost a lot of my roots. I am basically what she calls a "banana", yellow on the outside, white on the inside. lol From basic things like i am not afriad of the cold, 12c is fine with me and she was wearing 4 layers (including a down feather coat)
Some of the things she says i don't fully understand and could only guess through context. Language is actually a challenge. I came here at 10years old so the language to express feelings at a deeper level is missing from my vocabulary.
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its not a set in stone rule there are exceptions, but it's quite rare.
Well, following on from last week and my long term partner leaving. I told my friend about it on Thursday, she then told me she'd left the guy she was seeing on Friday, we went to a gig last night and she's asked me to another next Friday. Probably reading too much into it.
Na you're in there.
And if you're not, you've ruined the friendship, proceed with caution, to a degree
Truthfully though I think it depends on a few things.
1, Have they been friends since before you were together with them?
2, Is this a new friendship?
3, Does it seem a bit weird?
4, Do you have a friendship with the person too or could build one?
I am very cautious of people with an opposite sex best friend, 9 times out of 10, the friend is still searching for an opportunity to be with your partner.
Hell my best friend stabbed me in the back to get with the girl I had been with for 6 years but had entered difficulties with. Happy to cut that POS out of my life, more gutted he avoided every bit of contact afterwards, I didnt get the choice to slap him about.
I think men and woman can be friends. But it helps if you don't find them attractive (physically or emotionally).
My friend I go wild swimming with, there's nothing wrong with her. But she is not my type. We have some shared interests but that is all. It is a bit more difficult if you do find them attractive though beyond a friend.
My friend I go wild swimming with, there's nothing wrong with her. But she is not my type. We have some shared interests but that is all. It is a bit more difficult if you do find them attractive though beyond a friend.
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Yep and its most of the time the man failing for the woman.
Learnt years ago not to have female "friends." Life is so much easier and I cut out all the BS and time wasting.
Yes, we know men cant help themselves for biological reasons.
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I get on with women generally more than I do with men. I talk a lot and I find most men don't really talk about nothing. I don't just have female friends. But I find I have more female friends than male.
Soldato
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Man I've been doing it since I was about 6. It hasn't gotten any easier either.
I've been with my partner 12 years now and it has led to some rough times. Same old pattern. Meet someone new, make friends, weird obsessive phase, settle down. It just seems to be how I get to know people - in a very one on one, personal way. There's also some complex stuff where if it's a woman I'll be attracted whereas if it's a man I'll be interested as a mate. Long term I had to learn the difference between being in love (unhealthy, avoid the term), being excited by something new, and genuinely loving someone.
My input for your situation though as it's genuinely romantic is, don't be closed to it. You are lucky if you find opportunities to meet and be close to other humans. Embrace that when you find a new person. It's the richness of life for me, that personal connection. Material things are just not as rewarding.
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I actually met her on a dating site before I started speaking to my last partner, however, she lived miles away so we never got around to meeting and things fizzled out. We stayed in vague contact, the odd comment and like on posts and that was it until she started a job in my city a couple of months ago and messaged looking for someone to climb with. Since then, we've been climbing together a couple times a week and have spoken pretty much every day, so a reasonably new friendship, despite knowing each other for a long time. We actually seem to get along quite well and we have similar hobbies and music tastes, but equally I don't want to mess her around as I'm a screw up at the moment and she doesn't deserve that. Also seems a bit strange she breaks up with the guy she's seeing the day after I tell her about me.Na you're in there.
And if you're not, you've ruined the friendship, proceed with caution, to a degree
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Associate
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They can, just only after they’ve slept together first…
Soldato
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This checks out. When I met my partner I had an awful lot of female friends in this position. But weirdly they seem to drift away when you get into a stable relationship... TBF I'd probably do the same when they do.
Caporegime
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I do really like her and I hate to mess it up. Perhaps a bit too much, to the point i am actually scared? Which is absurd because technically I've only met her 3 times. Albeit we spent the last 2 weeks every waking moment together. If you seen us, you'd think we are a couple rather than just met.
The romantic side of me is wondering if it is fate, meeting at the stairs from Your Name? my favourite anime and one of my favourite movies ever (If you have seen the movie, it would make so much more sense) but fate is nonsense right?...we are the same age, speaks same language. She loves having her photos taken and I love taking photos of her. My 2 weeks of Japan is essentially a giant photoshoot of her.
I need to slap myself and get a dose of reality or slap myself because how did I get so lucky.
Associate
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If it helps, post-nut clarity is absolutely a thing.
Do with this information what you will.
Sounds like you needed to pork her, didnt and now severely regretting it.
Edit: well try your luck to pork that is.
Equally this.
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Don't what men you hang around with or even what age but 95% of what women talk about is either an complaint or gossip. And I know plenty of women who agree with this
But I'm not their gay best friend so I dont have to hear any of it.
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I just want to add as saw the email notification about the above (before the internet went down!), that they can be just friends and have a very close/healthy bond and it be as platonic as that. Most of my closest friends are women, some single, some not, some are wives to my mates, others are ex wives to other mates, two are into women themselves (hot!), but we catch up and hang out and have a mutual understanding.
Maybe it's something that you grow into as you get older I guess with various experiences under the belt, but the default notion that it's not possible is not true and actually sets a negative precedent of sorts to those who might be new to it all or just confused. For clarity, I am seeing someone on and off (due to distance and schedules) currently, but I did marry someone else previously (after covid settled down) only to realise she was a bit of an awful person that wasn't obvious before marriage, and only after did the true colours come out, or maybe the red flags were always there but I didn't want to register them because the goggles were working overtime etc.
So I bounced out of that after months of self-reflection and talking about it to a handful of my closest, ironically most of them noticed these things about her but did not want to say anything to me at the time because they thought I might think they were trying to cause drama (I would never think this from the people I trust the most as I tend to keep my circle of a specific type of quality in people), plus I realised quickly (as did they) that this was something I had to figure out for myself first and then bring my thoughts to the table/circle and compare notes so to speak.
My only takeaway-statement in general for those meeting or trying to meet someone new would be something that we guys are terrible at anyway and this will never change, and that's reading signals or trying to decipher mixed signals as women are terrible at being clear so it's up to us to decipher with our perpetually foundation level skill what certain things could mean and the right signal to make a move is usually aired during a narrow window of opportunity, and since we are crap at reading them on time, the window closes fairly quick, it's a harsh world.
I have some stories from the past that are probably ripe for sharing here, drama and scenes aplenty that go beyond an Eastenders ep! I just need to decide if I can share them or not, the main issue being some of them could identify people that have public facing presence so.... Maybe one day.
Soldato
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Give a wide berth. She sounds right a like parrot boiler..