The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Malevolence said:
I did ask her the same thing funny enough, also asked her how she was able to post on Facebook and play on the PlayStation but wasn't able to text me. Shame we live so far apart, otherwise I'd have been around and we might've sorted it out.
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Why would you want to sort it out with someone who is clearly a bit...
 
Malevolence said:
When you've been in love with each other since 1988 you try everything to not lose each other. We're soulmates, we always will be whether that's together or apart.
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It sounds like it's all you've known so you haven't got any idea what a normal relationship should be like.

You also said you live far apart? I wish someone could explain long distance relationships because they make zero sense to me.
 
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Malevolence said:
Well, that's it. I've ended it with my Mrs. 3-weeks ago she went in for a procedure on her finger, and then for no reason whatsoever she texted me telling me she wanted some space to recover as it was painful. Seeing as how it's nearly Christmas and we haven't planned anything yet I messaged her today, 3-weeks later, just asking how she's doing, is she alright and what does she want to do about Christmas. Cue the usual toxic reply, this time she's saying I didn't give her the space she asked for and she doesn't want to plan anything. So that's it, I've had it up to my back teeth with her toxic behaviour and her always bending everything so it's my fault. She's a psychotherapist, but she never turns it off. So I'm not going to miss her constantly diagnosing me with all manner of conditions, something she does to other people as well not just me.

Yes I'm hurting, because I really do love her. But there's only so much of this crap a guy can take before he just has to say enough is enough.
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In other words, she’s has three weeks head start in letting someone else’s fingers keep her happy while hers heals.

‘Mug’ is a harsh word but a bit of truth might be needed here.
 
Malevolence said:
When you've been in love with each other since 1988 you try everything to not lose each other. We're soulmates, we always will be whether that's together or apart.
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sometimes this is true, sometimes it's just because its what feels safe.

there are times in my relationship i just want to walk out, mrs is mental, i do have a temper but i need to get pushed to the absolute limit for it to come out. sometimes it feels like she does it on purpose, tells me i'm never supportive enough, whenever i try and show support she twists everything i say into a negative and goes unnecessarily potty at me, which in turn makes me go potty back harder, she loves to tell me when i've made a mistake, she loves to point the finger of blame at me,, whenever something goes wrong its my fault even if i've had absolutely nothing to do with it, i get well its your fault because you should have done it, or helped me something long those lines, when the boy misbehaves its my fault, i should be harder on him, i should be softer on him, i need to back here up more, i'm never on her side etc etc, regularly told i'm not the person she married.

i don't think i'm completely innocent, i am a natural loner in life, i always have been, i'm not the sort of person to have a huge group of friends (i have a total of 4 people who are friends, anyone else are just known associates) i don't trust anyone and i'm always calculating if they are going to screw me over, but i always get on well with everyone i meet, and i do struggle to deal with emotions mostly other peoples, there are reasons for it we've all got skeletons in our closest that make us who we are, and I've explained this countless times, she knows i cant give her the level of emotional support she craves because i just cant no matter how hard i try, which is why i nudged her to counselling (which she rarely lets me forget it was my suggestion for her to seek help as that's something else i cant do right), even the councillor got fed up with her and started ghosting her and making excuses why she couldn't make an appointment to the point my Mrs just gave up trying.

i stick around mostly because of my boy, and i don't want to lose everything i've built up in life. Then there are the times she's great, she does occasionally tell me when ive done well i.e i replaced the bathroom and made her a craft room this year and she was singing my praises, and when she's in a good way we are great together, she organises the family well, she works less hours than me and dinner is always on the table and she does plan fun things for us to do and makes things special for our boy, she is a nice person deep down. She's a naturally depressive person, she's been on and off anti depressants, she's seen councillors, most recently its been found she has severe vitamin deficiency, not because we don't live healthily, we really do, but her body isn't taking what it needs from the food, hopefully this can explain a lot of the mood swings. i cant tell if i stay because i lover her, or stay for my boy or stay because i don't want to lose everything financially and its all i know so its easy to put up with it.

i'm not making her sound great right now, but she really can be, and i'm clinging onto the hope that the great person that's in there will come out permanently and so far the good times do out weigh the bad (even if i've not said that above). But then i suppose thats marriage, it requires work and a lot of it.
 
sx_turbo said:
sometimes this is true, sometimes it's just because its what feels safe.

there are times in my relationship i just want to walk out, mrs is mental, i do have a temper but i need to get pushed to the absolute limit for it to come out. sometimes it feels like she does it on purpose, tells me i'm never supportive enough, whenever i try and show support she twists everything i say into a negative and goes unnecessarily potty at me, which in turn makes me go potty back harder, she loves to tell me when i've made a mistake, she loves to point the finger of blame at me,, whenever something goes wrong its my fault even if i've had absolutely nothing to do with it, i get well its your fault because you should have done it, or helped me something long those lines, when the boy misbehaves its my fault, i should be harder on him, i should be softer on him, i need to back here up more, i'm never on her side etc etc, regularly told i'm not the person she married.

i don't think i'm completely innocent, i am a natural loner in life, i always have been, i'm not the sort of person to have a huge group of friends (i have a total of 4 people who are friends, anyone else are just known associates) i don't trust anyone and i'm always calculating if they are going to screw me over, but i always get on well with everyone i meet, and i do struggle to deal with emotions mostly other peoples, there are reasons for it we've all got skeletons in our closest that make us who we are, and I've explained this countless times, she knows i cant give her the level of emotional support she craves because i just cant no matter how hard i try, which is why i nudged her to counselling (which she rarely lets me forget it was my suggestion for her to seek help as that's something else i cant do right), even the councillor got fed up with her and started ghosting her and making excuses why she couldn't make an appointment to the point my Mrs just gave up trying.

i stick around mostly because of my boy, and i don't want to lose everything i've built up in life. Then there are the times she's great, she does occasionally tell me when ive done well i.e i replaced the bathroom and made her a craft room this year and she was singing my praises, and when she's in a good way we are great together, she organises the family well, she works less hours than me and dinner is always on the table and she does plan fun things for us to do and makes things special for our boy, she is a nice person deep down. She's a naturally depressive person, she's been on and off anti depressants, she's seen councillors, most recently its been found she has severe vitamin deficiency, not because we don't live healthily, we really do, but her body isn't taking what it needs from the food, hopefully this can explain a lot of the mood swings. i cant tell if i stay because i lover her, or stay for my boy or stay because i don't want to lose everything financially and its all i know so its easy to put up with it.

i'm not making her sound great right now, but she really can be, and i'm clinging onto the hope that the great person that's in there will come out permanently and so far the good times do out weigh the bad (even if i've not said that above). But then i suppose thats marriage, it requires work and a lot of it.
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No relationship or situation is absolutely perfect, regardless of how good it started or what’s happened since. People have all sorts of reasons for staying in these (house, kids, finances etc) where those on the outside can’t understand it but for you it’s just the right decision.

I can support that - the difference is that you know what’s going on, whereas @Malevolence appears more in denial than anything (again, harsh but needs to be said I think)
 
sx_turbo said:
sometimes this is true, sometimes it's just because its what feels safe.
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It’s never true. There’s no such thing as soul mates. It’s just sunk cost fallacy.

As soon as you break the cycle and hold over such stupid thinking and move on, become happy within yourself, you can get with one of the billions of other better options and life becomes significantly better.
 
Eurgh, had a bit of a wobble this morning. I've still been living with my ex since the start of November, but it's just been the odd hello as we avoid each other so hasn't been the easiest living situation. Luckily she's all but moved out over Christmas and NY and I did hear she's planning on getting a long term Airbnb in January which will be better for both of us. I also saw a leaflet in the bin and it looks like she's started on antidepressants recently so hopefully she wants out as quickly as possible. She's had an offer accepted on a house but that's not going to be done for a while so I hope the Airbnb thing is true as I really can't stick it for another few months. My equity buy out from her seems to be going smoothly with the offer I put in (touch wood) and my solicitors think it will be done by mid January which will be a massive load off.
Then to top it all off I had a message from the girl who I'd been getting close to and spending a lot of time with recently, saying she "had a good date" over the weekend. Fairly blunt way of putting me back in my box, but at least I know where I stand now and won't invest any more energy into her and to be honest, she's probably even more of a mess than me at the moment. :cry:

Rant over and at least it was the shortest day yesterday and the new year starts soon so things can only get better! :cry:
 
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