Very jealous of this! If you ever want to go camping in south Wales let me know!
The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread
- Thread starter mattyprice4004
- Start date
Very jealous of this! If you ever want to go camping in south Wales let me know!
I've never actually been out in the hills down there. Being in Liverpool, the Lakes/Peak/Snowdonia is just far too accessible.
Been a very weird last few months for me, feels like me and the wife are drifting apart, We've had a couple of date nights/days, treating eachother etc but to me it feels like the sparks gone, nothing happens in the bedroom, maybe once every 4/5 months... I'm 35 she's 34, surely that shouldn't happen, if I mention how I feel and ask why she doesn't want it, I get moaned at and told that I only ever want one thing 
I don't get kisses or hugs, bed time is basically her playing a game on her phone... I've spoke to her friend about it and she basically sides with my wife (obviously)... It's taken a massive hit on my mental health, makes me feel down, not good enough, maybe I'm not what she wants
I understand when you both work full time and have kids it can be draining, but I see plenty of couples that still have that chemistry together even after this long, it's always excuses with her, I'll go in for a kiss or hug and shes like hurry up I got stuff to do or other excuses...
Really have no clue what to do, I'm stuck
I don't get kisses or hugs, bed time is basically her playing a game on her phone... I've spoke to her friend about it and she basically sides with my wife (obviously)... It's taken a massive hit on my mental health, makes me feel down, not good enough, maybe I'm not what she wantsI understand when you both work full time and have kids it can be draining, but I see plenty of couples that still have that chemistry together even after this long, it's always excuses with her, I'll go in for a kiss or hug and shes like hurry up I got stuff to do or other excuses...
Really have no clue what to do, I'm stuck
Ah yes. You're near the best stuff!
Been a very weird last few months for me, feels like me and the wife are drifting apart, We've had a couple of date nights/days, treating eachother etc but to me it feels like the sparks gone, nothing happens in the bedroom, maybe once every 4/5 months... I'm 35 she's 34, surely that shouldn't happen, if I mention how I feel and ask why she doesn't want it, I get moaned at and told that I only ever want one thing
I understand when you both work full time and have kids it can be draining, but I see plenty of couples that still have that chemistry together even after this long, it's always excuses with her, I'll go in for a kiss or hug and shes like hurry up I got stuff to do or other excuses...
Really have no clue what to do, I'm stuck
I have had similar. Mismatched in the bedroom.
And it's not something that's fun to talk about. Because it can be embarrassing for people to talk about with friends.
Sometimes nothing can fix it. Especially if the other person doesn't want to.
There's hope if the other person wants to fix it too and there's a blocker. But it has to be genuine desire to fix it.
Its really easy to end up at house mates.
I know how you feel. I have been in this position for a while. It ebs and flows a bit. But it's certainly got Worse over time.
I've also had the same. Made to feel like I'm shallow/superficial for wanting it. And "I only want one thing". But it's perfectly normal for someone to want/need it in a relationship.
Yes, it's fine if both people don't want it and you're happy. But the mismatch is an issue.
Just don't let them make you feel wrong or immoral or shallow for it.
I'd personally try and extract from the other person if they want that aspect but can't. For whatever reason. Let's say its the cliche of man doesn't help around the house, woman feels stressed. Or if they don't know, offer couples counselling.
That's what id do. Make the effort, try to find something you're happy with.
But don't just exist in a dead relationship. If they just rebuff it. They don't make an effort. Or they just aren't interested. Then it's time to examine if this life is what you want.
For me? If my partner said "sorry, this is me, I'm not interested. It's only going to be one time a year" I'd call it day.
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Like you say, it does feel like house mates and I'm also feeling like a taxi driver to....
She's just all of a sudden stopped with all the intimate stuff, she used to offer to do stuff if she wasn't in the mood if you get me but now nothing at all, just turns over and goes to sleep....
Honestly never been so down about myself, something's felt off for a while but I dare say anything to her as she'll just go mental at me.... Always seems more interested in her phone and friends and social media posts instead of me
Yeah, if I were you I'd put. Some effort in so you can say to yourself "I tried my best".
But at end of the day if she has switched off there isn't much you can do.
Its too easy to stay for the kids. Or stay because it's easier.
Hope you work it out. Feeling unwanted is horrible. It's worse than being single. By a long way.
Yeah I've put enough effort in over the last few months and give up now...
I know what you mean by staying for the kids or because it's easier, we'll see how things go but can't see much changing with her..
Cheers for the words though mate, much appreciated
Its a horrible position. It makes you feel. So small. And you start doubting yourself. This place is so good for venting and getting advice. Or even just knowing you're not alone. Take care!
Sounds like my life was at the start of the year and it sucks dude, sorry!
Luckily, the decision was easier for us as her interest in her phone was for another guy and we also didn't have kids together, still stings after 12 years though. It definitely helped venting here though.Sounds like my life was at the start of the year and it sucks dude, sorry!
Feels so crap, I think if the kids were older or if we didn't have them then I'd be gone, 13 years we've been together, feels a lot longer and the way it's gone I don't think I'll handle another 13
Has there been any birth control change or does she happen to use chemical BCs? My Mrs became completely uninterested like that, we reviewed & changed BC method again and everything went back to normal.Been a very weird last few months for me, feels like me and the wife are drifting apart, We've had a couple of date nights/days, treating eachother etc but to me it feels like the sparks gone, nothing happens in the bedroom, maybe once every 4/5 months... I'm 35 she's 34, surely that shouldn't happen, if I mention how I feel and ask why she doesn't want it, I get moaned at and told that I only ever want one thing
I understand when you both work full time and have kids it can be draining, but I see plenty of couples that still have that chemistry together even after this long, it's always excuses with her, I'll go in for a kiss or hug and shes like hurry up I got stuff to do or other excuses...
Really have no clue what to do, I'm stuck
Sounds like my life was at the start of the year and it sucks dude, sorry!
In some ways yours is not so much easier. But it's clearer cut. You know it's over.
When this die off over time, but there's no event it can go on for much much longer. It's not bad enough to suddenly rip it all up. So one day feels like another. But month on month it's a little worse.
Very easy to make reasons in your head "stay for the kids", "it's not the end of the world", "we'll sort it after Xmas" and just let it carry on.
I suspect a lot (depressingly a lot) of relationships do this. Some snap when someone cheats. Some carry in forever, but dead. Some times one party will do the right thing and call it. And the other person may even be relieved.
She's been on the implant for a while now, but we noticed if she comes off it she's in lots of pain with periods and snappy however on it she's got no drive and she's up and down with emotions
How old is she? Has she spoken to a doctor about perimenopause and looking at HRT? Its hard to diagnose but can have huge impacts on life, emotion and relationships. Most women under 50 will ignore all of it as they think its too early but it does happen regularly in late 30's to early 40's. This can be even harder to notice if on the implant.
Lots of the women at my work who have been through it have stories and say they wish they had considered it earlier and sought help.
www.nhs.uk
Lots of the women at my work who have been through it have stories and say they wish they had considered it earlier and sought help.
Menopause - Symptoms
Find out about the different symptoms of the menopause and perimenopause, including hot flushes, night sweats, loss of libido, a change in periods and vaginal dryness.
www.nhs.uk
Soldato
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- 29 Sep 2010
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- 6,448
She must feel something though, does she miss how things once were? Has she also noticed that there are problems? Is something missing from the relationship now? Does she want to fix them?
Could be a deeper route cause in terms of depression etc, if she is just not happy (whether that is in the relationship or another event), is there no attraction anymore?
I hate the whole ‘you only want one thing’ - if it’s something you once had consistently then it’s unfair to pull that card when the reason for change is likely because of an issue she has that she is not comfortable telling you.
Could be a deeper route cause in terms of depression etc, if she is just not happy (whether that is in the relationship or another event), is there no attraction anymore?
I hate the whole ‘you only want one thing’ - if it’s something you once had consistently then it’s unfair to pull that card when the reason for change is likely because of an issue she has that she is not comfortable telling you.
How old is she? Has she spoken to a doctor about perimenopause and looking at HRT? Its hard to diagnose but can have huge impacts on life, emotion and relationships. Most women under 50 will ignore all of it as they think its too early but it does happen regularly in late 30's to early 40's. This can be even harder to notice if on the implant.
Lots of the women at my work who have been through it have stories and say they wish they had considered it earlier and sought help.
Menopause - Symptoms
Find out about the different symptoms of the menopause and perimenopause, including hot flushes, night sweats, loss of libido, a change in periods and vaginal dryness.
She's 34, she hasn't been to the docs about anything like premenopause, she blames the implant for a lot of her problems, I could try mention it to her and see what she thinks
Tbh she never really mentions about how she misses what we used to be like, it's like she's just got into this pattern and expects me to stay in the same rut...
I'm not sure how id ask her if she has any sort of attraction anymore, I've got to the point now where I don't wanna show her affection or give her a little tap on the backside when she's unpacking shopping etc if you get my gist...
I have said to her that she's basically gone from doing everything in the bedroom, to toning it down, to just touchy feely and now once every so often, to me it's either she doesn't want me or she's getting attention elsewhere, if I mention that though everyone seems to bite my head off
Associate
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- Cheltenham
Probably is, even if just online. If she’s glued to her phone all the time then there’s a good chance something else is happening there. A refusal to even talk about it in any way just helps confirm it.
If you can unstick her from it, probably worth trying to have a nosey around to see what she’s up to. If you ask to see it and she refuses or gets angry, then that’s even more evidence.
She’s clearly checked out already either way.
Its a tough convo to have and she will be resistive. The doctors are also not well setup to look for it or help but if you can have an honest conversation about her mood, emotion and self etc it may be worth it.
Here are a couple of articles that reference some of it in younger women.
Perimenopause at 38? I felt robbed, says Emma Barnett
The BBC presenter says on her new podcast she hopes there can be a "normalisation" of the topic.
www.bbc.co.uk
Perimenopause: 'I went from triathlon training to needing naps'
Emily Barclay was hit by perimenopause, which can last up to 10 years before the menopause itself.
www.bbc.co.uk
The effects of social media and phones shouldn't be overlooked either. The instant attention available online means finding self-gratification and self-worth is easier than it ever was and doesn't require more than posting a picture or a comment. Online makes relationships harder and honestly I think has a lot to answer for around the world. Try and date night with no phones. Conciously lock them away and watch a movie and talk. If you want to try and fix things and make the effort you will need to first convince her there is a problem and it needs fixing. If she won't engage then you have your answer.
Don't go looking through her phone. If you find something then you are actually no better off as you can make your decision without it. If nothing is then you will know you didn't trust her and will have to deceive her forever that you did look. What you are going through isn't uncommon. This forums has many examples of us going through similar. Some fixed it. Some didn't. Relationships change. She may not miss what you had but that may be because she doesn't believe it can come back. Its up to you how you want to try and either prove her wrong or right.