The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[Neil79]

I think you should just get a dog instead if it's practical. Far less hassle.

But dogs **** and that makes me puke so no lol

 

[Steampunk]

Why? Also yes.... My first relationship had issues from a previous relationship, my second because she was controlling and aggressive towards her father, my third was an alcoholic and BPD ( Found out about the alcohol later ) her baby was taken from her due to the way she was, and this one I thought was the one, lasted a year and a half. You say I did it the wrong way, but also to say I shouldn't put myself through a relationship like that, is it because I was the one being controlled and I let it happen?

TBF, some of the advice you have been given relates to a "normal" woman. If your ex had BPD, then all bets are off. You're never going to train her out of it as some people seem to be suggesting. It's the way her brain chemistry works. Medication and therapy might help (depending on whether you can both live with the side effects), but it will be a constant battle, probably for the rest of your life. If you're not up for that, or can't cope with the constant ongoing stress, there's really no future in the relationship (as you've discovered).

It's not your fault, it's not a failure on your part. You tried your best to love someone and make them happy. If all they try to do is break the relationship instead of building it, if they make you unhappy a lot more than they make you happy, then you are allowed to decide that things have run their course. If the relationship doesn't work and can't be fixed, then you're just torturing yourself with the guilt of feeling you've failed, when really you've just understood you can't do anything more to make it work.

 

[Orcish-Horde]

Can you explain that more clearly? So basically when she had dinner with that guy I should've walked then? Also in regards to not testing me, you said it's because things were going well that basically her mind was lashing out in a negative way?

Yes she was lashing out.

So how did you deal with your relationship and BPD

ps She was diagnosed with BPD and tried to take that diagnoses off and asked to be checked for Autism, she was again diagnosed with BPD, much to her disgust

You should have walked the first time she was unhappy with you when you both had had a great time. All the clinging demanding behavour was telling she had problems. The rest is just her breaking down you, a form of control. You need to go read all about BPD, she likely is Autistic but just mildy effected with likely some ADHD in their aswell but not showing enough traits so is labled BPD. You need to go read up on Autism. The dinner with the guy is what happened as you didn't walk away.

Snip/

 

[Neil79]

Thank you everyone for your support and advice.. ( Especially your experiences Orcish )

Also Orcish-Horde I'm Autistic too, diagnosed with Autism Aspergers at the age of 22

 

[NewGamer11]

But dogs **** and that makes me puke so no lol

I believe women do too but I've not confirmed it.

 

[Ayahuasca]

Apologies Neil, I didn't know about the autism diagnosis, it's pretty difficult for most on the spectrum to read people so with that on top of her BPD it's a pretty hellish relationship.

 

[jumpy]

You can't win with those types of people because they don't want to make things work and be happy, they want conflict and drama, because without it they don't feel that anything you might do or say is honest or real. Ultimately they don't love themselves, and can't believe you when you tell them that you love them.

This is so true. Describes the periphery of an old ex's behaviour exactly - she used to start arguments with me seemingly over nothing and when pushed to explain herself "I did it so I could feel like I was part of the world and not some kind of bystander."
Pushing someone else's buttons to you can validate your own feeling of self is all kinds of crazy...

Invariably there was something to do with her illness that overshadowed any social gatherings, days out, or her work. Conflict and drama. Add to lack of self esteem; no matter how to try to buoy people like that up they will always listen to their inner voice that tells them to the contrary. You cannot break even against that, let alone win.

BPD, clinical depression = run to the hills, run for your life.
Most decent people will feel bad about ditching someone they care about, even if the situation is not a good one. Don't. It's just what has to be done sometimes. Move on, there's more to life than constantly dealing with someone else's unsolvable problems.

 

[colzboppo]

As someone who has also had experience with dating a diagnosed BPD (which she also disputed as her diagnosis) I can relate to all the testing behaviors and intense ups and downs these people can produce. It's a tough one to end so well done and try to stay strong, because they can pull you back in or tear you down even more in the aftermath. I was lucky as I met someone else very shortly after my BPD 'experience' broke down, they were the total opposite in regards to personality, so going full no contact was much easier. You should be aware though that BPD relationships can have a massive psychological impact on you, the same insecurities, irrational behavior, and disregard for boundaries can imprint onto you in future relationships, so I'd try not to rush into anything and concentrate on being as independent and happy in your own life as possible as a priority.

 

[Orcish-Horde]

With Aspergers you will have problems with women

Thank you everyone for your support and advice.. ( Especially your experiences Orcish )

Also Orcish-Horde I'm Autistic too, diagnosed with Autism Aspergers at the age of 22

I see, the problem you have is that due to the issues of ASD that you have, you will not be picking up on what the other person is thinking or expressing. You are having a great time so there for she is having a great time, I think what you are saying about her may just be both of you clashing. Good luck.

 

[Neil79]

A You should be aware though that BPD relationships can have a massive psychological impact on you, the same insecurities, irrational behavior, and disregard for boundaries can imprint onto you in future relationships, so I'd try not to rush into anything and concentrate on being as independent and happy in your own life as possible as a priority.

It's been a real tough few days, pretty much the moment I got back I've been bombarded by texts from her.... I did reply at first as to why I was so hurting ( WITH NO ANGER ), but then I left it alone it was going nowhere. But the texts continued... In fact that night, I got a text that I want my stuff back *She gave me a list" and then said " Don't bother with the Christmas presents ". Still they continued to the point of her saying that if I really loved her I should've gone after her " Shows how much you care " and " you should've asked how I was, you've never experienced a broken heart before "..... She even text me at 10am in the morning 0-o

This hurt but I didn't rise to it, because the first time she dumped me she told me straight to my face she didn't love me and had no feelings for me which nearly pushed me over the edge, and the second time she said the same thing that we can't do this anymore, and left me standing in the rain feeling like my heart was broken in two while she drove off. TWICE she did that to me and didn't give a toss how broken I was then

Another thing which is really giving me grief is my emotions that are split in two, one half is saying I should've been stronger with her BPD and waited till after Christmas if it came to it, the other side of me is saying I'm free, I won't get criticised anymore for pouring my heart out to someone which felt the same both ways at the time only next day to get a text or call that a few quid has gone missing without so much as a love response... Her BPD felt like to me the most heart felt person you could ever meet with love and caring, only to suddenly switch at the flip of a coin, within a few hours of coming home or the next morning!

 

[Ayahuasca]

Are you certain she's diagnosed with BPD? Some of that behavior just seems to follow a pattern whereas from what I've seen BPD plays out rather randomly, it's just that anything she does wrong seems to be blamed on it.

 

[Neil79]

Are you certain she's diagnosed with BPD? Some of that behavior just seems to follow a pattern whereas from what I've seen BPD plays out rather randomly, it's just than anything she does wrong seems to be blamed on it.

Yes she was diagnosed with BPD, went back for re-diagnoses and re diagnosed with BPD... Although my family suspects more of Bipolar behaviour

By the way Autism has different traits as well, one person can be hyper and in your face doing odd things while another such as myself can be quiet, reserved but also doing odd things

 

[Neil79]

Also I'm not saying that I was not at fault in the relationship I had my own problems to deal with, nobody is perfect

 

[DJMK4]

.

 

[Steampunk]

It's been a real tough few days, pretty much the moment I got back I've been bombarded by texts from her.... I did reply at first as to why I was so hurting ( WITH NO ANGER ), but then I left it alone it was going nowhere. But the texts continued... In fact that night, I got a text that I want my stuff back *She gave me a list" and then said " Don't bother with the Christmas presents ". Still they continued to the point of her saying that if I really loved her I should've gone after her " Shows how much you care " and " you should've asked how I was, you've never experienced a broken heart before "..... She even text me at 10am in the morning 0-o

This hurt but I didn't rise to it, because the first time she dumped me she told me straight to my face she didn't love me and had no feelings for me which nearly pushed me over the edge, and the second time she said the same thing that we can't do this anymore, and left me standing in the rain feeling like my heart was broken in two while she drove off. TWICE she did that to me and didn't give a toss how broken I was then

If she loved you, she wouldn't have put you through all this nonsense. Maybe she can't help it due to the BPD, or maybe because of the way she was cheated on previously, but she sounds like one of those people where everything is about her. She can't see where you're hurting or where her "tests" leave you emotionally, because it's always about her and what she wants, and how she feels. She probably doesn't even really love you, because she can't love anyone but herself and her drama, if that.

 

[TNGL]

Get out now would be my (poor) advice unless she's one of the few who is going to grow up quickly and realise the time will come where you can spend more time with each other once you have your own place together.

You aren't really being insensitive you're prioritising things to further your future and keep friendships functional, whether she likes your friends or not is on her and it's a red flag for me when any woman tries to interfere with that area, with the exception of say friends taking drugs whilst you're around or something.

Sounds like you want to break up? Sounds like you are just different people.
Neither is wrong or right.

For me partner comes before work and I wouldn't want a partner who is never around. And if your work is going to get worse it's just going to be now and more hassle.


I'd call it quits for both your sakes

@Tingle It also sounds to me like you are different people and heading in different directions. You are, quite rightly, trying to do well at work. This will put you in good stead for the future, either with her or in another relationship. I can understand her wanting to spend more time with you But circumstances change as we go through life and both sides should be understanding of the other. You are both now in a different world of work compared to uni. What worked then won't necessarily work now.

One thing I do see from your post, which I have commented on several times previously such as in this thread: https://forums.overclockers.co.uk/posts/31417116/, is that she doesn't like some of your friends. Looking back I've noticed a pattern of the women in my life trying ot distance me from male friends. At the time I allowed it to happen. But realising it now I would stand my ground and not allow them to influence me in that way.

Work/life balance in a relationship is a difficult one - it’s caused many an argument in our house. The problem was that my soon-to-be ex-wife had the bog-standard 9-5 office job, whereas mine is similar but due to the nature of the business (design agency specialising in advertising and marketing) is a lot more deadline-driven and often calls for additional hours. I tried on many an occasion to explain this, all to no avail.

What I’ve never had - and wouldn’t put up with - was a woman who tried to stop me seeing friends who I’d known longer than her or who gave me an ultimatum of them or her. That is just flat-out unreasonable and smacks of control-freakery - she may be sensitive, but she’s completely insensitive to your perspective. You mention being at university, so I’m assuming you’re in your early 20s - precisely the time when getting your career established is a high priority.

I’d say you need to sit down, both sides put their metaphorical ‘cards on the table’ and see if you can find some common ground - be prepared to call it quits if needs be.

Thanks for the advice, I just thought I would post an update.

With regards to ending it, I do think it is slightly too soon to resort to that and I'm going to be keeping a close eye on the situation as time goes on. I am hoping that when she does rotate into a new team (in March), they will keep her busy with work. The thing is, she isn't actually in a bad place career wise (she's in a large corporate bank) but her team do not give her enough work to keep her busy (let alone deadlines). It has however been a bit of an eye opener in terms of what things may be like further down the line and I'm going to use the time between now and March to clearly set expectations and see how things go from there. In the meantime, I have noticed she is becoming more understanding which is good, it's just a shame it didn't happen sooner and required me to lose my ****. It still remains to be told if this level of understanding will remain.

The whole not liking some of my friends situation is a different kettle of fish. It isn't all of my friends, just a few of them whom she claims are bad influences, whatever that means. This will take longer to fix but she knows her words/actions won't distance me from my friends, it is however a headache. She's pulled the whole 'come back and let's have a call by X:00am a few times because of Y and Z and I do find it border line psychotic that when I refuse she tries to question my priorities. I feel like getting an SMS only phone because I am of the view that WhatsApp/Facebook/etc makes me too accessible and therefore creates this expectation that when I am out with friends, I should be in constant communication with her which is, to be quite frank, ******* ludicrous. When I am out with friends, if I take longer than half an hour to reply I will view my phone to see a headache awaiting, at which point I either: A) express that I think she's being ridiculous and then reply or B) reply normally to keep the peace. Anyhow, I digress.

 

[deusexlumina]

snip.

I know how hard it is to get out of a relationship like that, because when things are "good", its easy to gloss over the bad things.

However, I think you should ask the question of whether you truly see yourself marrying this person one day (or at least spending your life with them), and perhaps raising a family with them, as I was in a similar situation and my answer of "no" was very helpful for me making a decision.

If you're set on giving it a go, then good luck to you and all the best, I hope it works out.

 

[Neil79]

, if I take longer than half an hour to reply I will view my phone to see a headache awaiting, at which point I either: A) express that I think she's being ridiculous and then reply or B) reply normally to keep the peace. Anyhow, I digress.

Sounds like my ex girlfriend, every time it went ding I went in to panic mode or as you say headache awaiting

I know how hard it is to get out of a relationship like that, because when things are "good", its easy to gloss over the bad things.

However, I think you should ask the question of whether you truly see yourself marrying this person one day (or at least spending your life with them), and perhaps raising a family with them, as I was in a similar situation and my answer of "no" was very helpful for me making a decision.

If you're set on giving it a go, then good luck to you and all the best, I hope it works out.

This 100% again like mine, it was really hard to get out of my relationship because I was worried about the "good" but the bad took over and it was extremely hard for me to finish it. In my situation though with her BPD, I'd be with her thinking I want to marry this girl, then she'd turn the day after a complete switch in personality and I'd want to run a bloody mile!

 

[Roar87]

Thanks for the advice, I just thought I would post an update.

With regards to ending it, I do think it is slightly too soon to resort to that and I'm going to be keeping a close eye on the situation as time goes on. I am hoping that when she does rotate into a new team (in March), they will keep her busy with work. The thing is, she isn't actually in a bad place career wise (she's in a large corporate bank) but her team do not give her enough work to keep her busy (let alone deadlines). It has however been a bit of an eye opener in terms of what things may be like further down the line and I'm going to use the time between now and March to clearly set expectations and see how things go from there. In the meantime, I have noticed she is becoming more understanding which is good, it's just a shame it didn't happen sooner and required me to lose my ****. It still remains to be told if this level of understanding will remain.

The whole not liking some of my friends situation is a different kettle of fish. It isn't all of my friends, just a few of them whom she claims are bad influences, whatever that means. This will take longer to fix but she knows her words/actions won't distance me from my friends, it is however a headache. She's pulled the whole 'come back and let's have a call by X:00am a few times because of Y and Z and I do find it border line psychotic that when I refuse she tries to question my priorities. I feel like getting an SMS only phone because I am of the view that WhatsApp/Facebook/etc makes me too accessible and therefore creates this expectation that when I am out with friends, I should be in constant communication with her which is, to be quite frank, ******* ludicrous. When I am out with friends, if I take longer than half an hour to reply I will view my phone to see a headache awaiting, at which point I either: A) express that I think she's being ridiculous and then reply or B) reply normally to keep the peace. Anyhow, I digress.

You could try option C) which is to tell her in advance that you won't be on your phone during your night out and you'll drop her a message to let her know you'll be home safe.

 

[Arsonist]

Not sure what I'm looking for in any responses, but sometimes it's just good to write stuff down. Anyways...

Yesterday I discovered my girlfriend of nearly 4 years has pretty much cheated on me. Only found out from the girlfriend of the guy she cheated with, so that was nice.

I say pretty much cheated, because she sent him pictures and videos of herself one evening. The next evening she met up with him and gave him a hand job.

We recently went through an abortion which messed us both up a lot, but the timing wasn't right and we had everything against us (live 150 miles away from each other, temp contracts, no houses, no savings, never lived together etc). She took it really bad, and at the time felt like I was pressuring her into it. I had said it was what I would have preferred, but also said I'd stand by her whatever her decision. So she hated me and thought the relationship would end anyway as I became distant and closed down a bit.

She met up with this guy a few days later in what she's now calling the darkest days of her life. Said she felt like she had to sabotage the relationship and punish herself for allowing the abortion to go ahead. But mid way through the hand episode suddenly had a change of heart and stopped, hasn't spoken to the guy since.

She says she's never felt so disgusted at her own behaviour or ashamed of herself. And says she's never loved someone the way she loves me. We were getting ready to move to the same city, move in with each other, and I was going to propose to her. But now I'm so heartbroken and betrayed I don't know what to do. I know she's the love of my life, and she's never done anything like this before and I believe she never would again. We really went through a dark time and I'm pretty sure she was clinically depressed.

I don't know if I can ever forgive her or look at her the same way again, but I love her so much it kills me. Part of me can perhaps understand, I know I wasn't totally there for her when she needed me. I'm just so lost. Feeling like the life I have planned with her is fading away.

Sorry for the long post. Just needed to write that stuff down.