The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

-westy- · 26 Sep 2018 at 12:21

tek81 said:
That's a good way to sum it up. And I suspect part of the reason she left; being unable to cope emotionally with my decision to return to university. Unfortunate really, but not surprising given her background.

This is a thing that I mention in my current relationship. Her background is not your fault. Personally, when my other half has had a bad day, she sometimes takes it out on me, is snappy, bad mood etc. I ask her if its my fault - the response is always "no", then we talk about it.

Of course talk to your other half, allow them to vent etc, but don't allow them to take out their past, or bad moods, on you. It isn't healthy and can build resentment.

Adnams Drinker · 26 Sep 2018 at 13:51

Ayahuasca said:
**** tests, you can't win either way, as if you give in to her every whim she loses respect for you. If you don't then she resents you.

I fear that you've nailed it there - go along with everything and you're a doormat, do the opposite and you're a selfish pig. How the hell can you hope to find a middle ground between those two extremes? Almost makes me glad I'm currently single - the simplicity of my life now that I'm no longer joined at the hip with someone else is breathtaking. I do what I want when I want and I don't have to worry about BS like this ...

413x · 26 Sep 2018 at 13:54

There are Good Girls out there.
Ones who don't stop you having hobbies and a life outside the relationship

russell664 · 26 Sep 2018 at 14:08

413x said:
There are Good Girls out there.
Ones who don't stop you having hobbies and a life outside the relationship

Definately, I agree with that.
They should encourage you to do more of your hobbies, and more of the things you enjoy. As important as together time is, it shouldn't be *all* the time.

KillBoY_UK · 26 Sep 2018 at 14:24

russell664 said:
Definately, I agree with that.
They should encourage you to do more of your hobbies, and more of the things you enjoy. As important as together time is, it shouldn't be *all* the time.

My last GF was one of those but she was also bat "poo" crazy, people got a goof kick at her rant emails after I broke it off

sigma · 26 Sep 2018 at 14:44

I'm sacking off Internet dating. Waste of time for me.

fredwi · 26 Sep 2018 at 19:41

sigma said:
I'm sacking off Internet dating. Waste of time for me.

same here message ignore whats the point lol

James J · 28 Sep 2018 at 19:48

Mason- said:
Haven't followed this thread very much James J, but by getting 'that type' a lot are you referring to ones who are after you for your wallet? I noticed in your post you said that she knew what your salary is. Are you very ready to show off how much you earn? I get that financial security is something women find attractive but on the same token if you are very forthright in showing how much you earn you'll attract women who are only after that. Perhaps there needs to be a bit of balance there.

I've never told her how much I earn but my lifestyle probably doesn't help at all so you've got a valid point. Who knew dating was so sodding difficult!

Dempsey22 · 7 Oct 2018 at 15:14

Split with my expecting fiance yesterday.

It's the right thing to do, i know that. But a part of me is saying still saying different.

Feeling really low and just dont know what to do.

JBuk · 7 Oct 2018 at 15:17

There's nothing much you can do except do things and keep busy to take your mind off it until you get over it

deusexlumina · 11 Oct 2018 at 06:33

Not really a personal problem per-se but a situation I wondered if anyone could comment on:

After almost 20 years my Dad and step-mom have split up. The long and short of it is that my dad has been having an affair, and decided that he wants to make a go of it with her. My step-mom is understandably in pieces over it, although over the past couple of weeks she has gotten better. They are currently still living in the same house, and - apparently - my dad is visiting the other woman regularly while my step mom still lives at home, making things difficult.

I suggested they go to a councilor, which they have done, but it hasn't helped. My brother and I have provided support where we can, but it's a difficult situation as to be honest I'm finding it hard to believe that my dad could do something like this to someone who he has spent so much time with. I therefore find it hard to empathize with the situation and provide any support.

Part of me just wanted to vent, but also if anyone has any wise words for the situation they would be appreciated.

Guest2 · 14 Oct 2018 at 17:49

I’ve been with my girlfriend just over a year now. We both knew from the start that she didn’t want kids and I did, just not at the moment (for a few years)
Anyway, we thought we would see what happened and stayed together. We had drinks last night and she said now she sees no future if I still want kids and it would be pointless for her to move in with me. Has anyone been in a similar situation - either not wanting kids themselves and their GF wanting them or my situation?

Tek81 · 14 Oct 2018 at 18:19

Guest2 said:
I’ve been with my girlfriend just over a year now. We both knew from the start that she didn’t want kids and I did, just not at the moment (for a few years)
Anyway, we thought we would see what happened and stayed together. We had drinks last night and she said now she sees no future if I still want kids and it would be pointless for her to move in with me. Has anyone been in a similar situation - either not wanting kids themselves and their GF wanting them or my situation?

I've been in a somewhat similar situation, although other factors were involved in the breakup. I was with my ex for almost eight years, during which time we got engaged and discussed starting a family; something we both wanted. However, I was given an opportunity to return to uni. Something that in her words "means I'll have to wait three years more before we start a family?!" That combined with the additional financial implications of my decision essentially caused the relationship to end. Twelve months on, she's with someone else and pregnant. So, I can certainly emphathise.

Roar87 · 14 Oct 2018 at 18:23

I fancy boys said:
Not really a personal problem per-se but a situation I wondered if anyone could comment on:

After almost 20 years my Dad and step-mom have split up. The long and short of it is that my dad has been having an affair, and decided that he wants to make a go of it with her. My step-mom is understandably in pieces over it, although over the past couple of weeks she has gotten better. They are currently still living in the same house, and - apparently - my dad is visiting the other woman regularly while my step mom still lives at home, making things difficult.

I suggested they go to a councilor, which they have done, but it hasn't helped. My brother and I have provided support where we can, but it's a difficult situation as to be honest I'm finding it hard to believe that my dad could do something like this to someone who he has spent so much time with. I therefore find it hard to empathize with the situation and provide any support.

Part of me just wanted to vent, but also if anyone has any wise words for the situation they would be appreciated.

Mind yo' business, you don't know why your Dad left your step-mom, plenty of reasons. People are allowed to break up with someone.

Hades · 14 Oct 2018 at 18:40

I fancy boys said:
Not really a personal problem per-se but a situation I wondered if anyone could comment on:

After almost 20 years my Dad and step-mom have split up. The long and short of it is that my dad has been having an affair, and decided that he wants to make a go of it with her. My step-mom is understandably in pieces over it, although over the past couple of weeks she has gotten better. They are currently still living in the same house, and - apparently - my dad is visiting the other woman regularly while my step mom still lives at home, making things difficult.

I suggested they go to a councilor, which they have done, but it hasn't helped. My brother and I have provided support where we can, but it's a difficult situation as to be honest I'm finding it hard to believe that my dad could do something like this to someone who he has spent so much time with. I therefore find it hard to empathize with the situation and provide any support.

Part of me just wanted to vent, but also if anyone has any wise words for the situation they would be appreciated.

Don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes.

Hades · 14 Oct 2018 at 18:46

Guest2 said:
I’ve been with my girlfriend just over a year now. We both knew from the start that she didn’t want kids and I did, just not at the moment (for a few years)
Anyway, we thought we would see what happened and stayed together. We had drinks last night and she said now she sees no future if I still want kids and it would be pointless for her to move in with me. Has anyone been in a similar situation - either not wanting kids themselves and their GF wanting them or my situation?

Unfortunately this is a fairly black and white situation. She has given the relationship a chance to see whether her views would change or possibly your views would change. They haven't on either side. So she sees no future in this relationship. Women in particular have most attractiveness while young. Every year that passes gives her a slightly lower chance of finding someone to be happy with. She knows that won't be with you because of a fundamentally different view of the future. She is doing the right thing for both of you by breaking things off now. Unless you can face a future with no children (and that doesn't just men pretending and hoping she will get pregnant in future) then the right action is to end the relationship and both look for someone who shares your vision of the future.

413x · 14 Oct 2018 at 21:37

She's doing the right thing breaking up.
Same would happen if my gf decides she wants kids. We would have to break up.
I absolutely don't want them. But know people's feelings change.
Only positive is you know theres nothing either of you can do. There are no 'what ifs?'

XeNoN89 · 14 Oct 2018 at 21:41

Guest2 said:
I’ve been with my girlfriend just over a year now. We both knew from the start that she didn’t want kids and I did, just not at the moment (for a few years)
Anyway, we thought we would see what happened and stayed together. We had drinks last night and she said now she sees no future if I still want kids and it would be pointless for her to move in with me. Has anyone been in a similar situation - either not wanting kids themselves and their GF wanting them or my situation?

sounds like the opposite to my situation with my ex. She was 5 years older than me and started talking about how she wants kids with her next boyfriend very early on in the relationship. I was honest and said I don't want kids but there's a chance I might in the future. We carried on and further down the line when we discussed it again I said I still don't want them any time soon but could definitely see myself wanting them in the future and that was that. We only lasted a year and a half, that was a big part of the problem along with me not being able to provide enough emotional support for her for various things. I'm not an overly emotional person and she was a very emotional person so it was never going to work.

iamtheoneneo · 15 Oct 2018 at 07:38

Guest2 said:
I’ve been with my girlfriend just over a year now. We both knew from the start that she didn’t want kids and I did, just not at the moment (for a few years)
Anyway, we thought we would see what happened and stayed together. We had drinks last night and she said now she sees no future if I still want kids and it would be pointless for her to move in with me. Has anyone been in a similar situation - either not wanting kids themselves and their GF wanting them or my situation?

You are not compatible.

beasty6 · 18 Oct 2018 at 09:52

Hi guys, wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation as me, ok let's start

So me and my other half have been together for 8 years, have two children (1 and 5) and also both work full time
Back in 2015 we had some money troubles and generally argued quite a lot, so because of this I started playing my PC excessively as that's how I dealt with it, I was addicted simply put, so we split up for 6 months, I moved in with my mum, and still had my PC at the time, I only went on it say 4-5 times max.

Now I want to get another after having 3 years away, my other half is worried I would get addicted, although if I was addicted I wouldn't of been able to drop it so easily.

So we had a little talk last night, she says it's either another gaming PC or my family, right then I felt real bad, of course I don't want to choose anything over my family, but at the same time I want to carry on with a hobby I have.

My mum is also involved now saying she ago with my other half and says I have a addiction, but let me just say, I've always had a Xbox one here, never have I had a problem with it.

My other half works 4 nights a week, so I have 4 nights to my self when the kids are in bed, this is when I intend on playing the PC, can I have some opinions please, am I being selfish? Or inconcidinate? I feel I'm being put down for something I don't have and its stopping be enjoying my hobby I want to get back into