The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[413x]

You both have valid points.
Its understandable their apprehension, but its also not fair to say no.

I'd say do it but only if you actually can limit your time on it. Its easy to say, harder to do if you are prone to the addiction.
But they shouldnt stop you, its only going to grate on you. Its similar to saying 'you cant see friemds'.
But if you got addicted before its understandable.

As with most things in life, talk about it, say you will only spend X time on it. But stick to it.

I dont believe you should stop your partner doing something they want to do. But you need to Demonstrate you have outgrown that addiction.

 

[beasty6]

Thanks, I completely inderunder her concern, but at the same time I can't prove myself if I can't get one, I did also suggest getting a cheap system to see how things go.

I found being at a desk with headphones was a big problem for me, it takes you away from your surroundings.

So I said I would connect it to the TV in the front room and play it while I'm on my own.

I've nevrn craved gaming, if that was the case my Xbox would be on all the time, just Don't know what to do, as my mum and some of my family agree with her

 

[Steampunk]

I've nevrn craved gaming, if that was the case my Xbox would be on all the time, just Don't know what to do, as my mum and some of my family agree with her

Prove them all wrong. There's nothing wrong with a hobby, and it's just ignorance that has led your partner to pushing the nuclear button. Would she mind if you were at the gym five nights a week? Or out down the pub drinking? They are probably people who still see gaming as "for children" even though it's a multi-billion dollar industry appealing to all sorts of people. And I bet they spent hours a week watching TV like vegetables. How about you tell your partner and family you think they are addicted to watching television, and they it's now a choice between your family and the TV? It sounds pretty ridiculous now, doesn't it?

 

[413x]

Thanks, I completely inderunder her concern, but at the same time I can't prove myself if I can't get one, I did also suggest getting a cheap system to see how things go.

I found being at a desk with headphones was a big problem for me, it takes you away from your surroundings.

So I said I would connect it to the TV in the front room and play it while I'm on my own.

I've nevrn craved gaming, if that was the case my Xbox would be on all the time, just Don't know what to do, as my mum and some of my family agree with her

Prove them wrong. Dont let them stop you wanting a hobby. Dont let them differentiate it from other more traditiona hobbies. Say and show them it wont eat up your commitments.

If you fail, you can get rid of it, if you follow through, all good.

They cant (and shouldn't) say no to this. Dont be a prisoner just because of a relationship!

 

[KillBoY_UK]

sounds like the opposite to my situation with my ex. She was 5 years older than me and started talking about how she wants kids with her next boyfriend very early on in the relationship. I was honest and said I don't want kids but there's a chance I might in the future. We carried on and further down the line when we discussed it again I said I still don't want them any time soon but could definitely see myself wanting them in the future and that was that. We only lasted a year and a half, that was a big part of the problem along with me not being able to provide enough emotional support for her for various things. I'm not an overly emotional person and she was a very emotional person so it was never going to work.

All this talk of kids reminds me of my crazy ex and her ultimatums after only being together a couple months. You should check out posts I made with her crazy post breakup emails!

 

[beasty6]

Prove them wrong. Dont let them stop you wanting a hobby. Dont let them differentiate it from other more traditiona hobbies. Say and show them it wont eat up your commitments.

If you fail, you can get rid of it, if you follow through, all good.

They cant (and shouldn't) say no to this. Dont be a prisoner just because of a relationship!

Thing is proving myself is hard as it seems getting a PC into the house is not happening, I'm going to try talk to her tonight, but I know for a fact it's going to cause her to get upset and emotional, my mum coming round yesterday calling me a addict didn't help, just fueled me more to want to prove myself.

Other half says if she sees a pc in the house she's going to put a hammer through it and leave with the kids, last thing I want is to cause a family problem but don't see why I shouldn't be able to prove myself.

Back when I had a PC I was bad, not going to make myself sound good, but it got to the point where I would walk past the PC and turn it on on the way too the toilet in the morning, then spend all day on it and then go bed early hours the next morning.

 

[Maccy]

Back when I had a PC I was bad, not going to make myself sound good, but it got to the point where I would walk past the PC and turn it on on the way too the toilet in the morning, then spend all day on it and then go bed early hours the next morning.

You can understand, then, why it's a big concern. Difficult situation, maybe get rid of the Xbox as some sort of compromise?

 

[413x]

Wow. Yeah this is a tough one. Usually id say she is being controlling and over the top, but if it was an real addiction (kudos to you for admitting it) then I can understand her reaction.

Is there another hobby you like you can do?
If not I still think present it to her as a trial. Write Down and agree max times (and maybe try to not even fill that time).

If you think you might get addicted again (it's quitepossible) I'd rethink this.
Going to gym or sports club or any club would be better all round. I think I'm actually more with her on this. She is justifiably scared of a repeat

 

[beasty6]

You can understand, then, why it's a big concern. Difficult situation, maybe get rid of the Xbox as some sort of compromise?

Didnt think of that, good shout, see she hasn't got a problem with gaming on the Xbox, just the PC she has a problem with, but I had my reasons back then for how I was, we are talking 3-4 years ago, I look back and know what I did was wrong and have become a better person from it, but gaming on a PC is a big thing to me, I have been gaming on PC's since I was 8 years old, which is why I'm so eager to get back and prove them all wrong and enjoy what I'm interested in.

 

[.Lethal]

It’s a case of what do you want? Your family or a PC. You can’t be trusted going by what you said and frankly I can understand the position you’ve got yourself into with your wife.

 

[beasty6]

Wow. Yeah this is a tough one. Usually id say she is being controlling and over the top, but if it was an real addiction (kudos to you for admitting it) then I can understand her reaction.

Is there another hobby you like you can do?
If not I still think present it to her as a trial. Write Down and agree max times (and maybe try to not even fill that time).

If you think you might get addicted again (it's quitepossible) I'd rethink this.
Going to gym or sports club or any club would be better all round. I think I'm actually more with her on this. She is justifiably scared of a repeat

I totally understand her too, really want to prove to her that I'm not that person no more, we had problems going on at the time which is why I turned to the PC as that was my comfort, I don't know what to do

 

[Syla5]

Back when I had a PC I was bad, not going to make myself sound good, but it got to the point where I would walk past the PC and turn it on on the way too the toilet in the morning, then spend all day on it and then go bed early hours the next morning.

Been in a very similar situation to you, also went back to it.

My crux was WoW, the problem was it always was a time sink game, even when I went back to it and played at a much lower level of intensity it still ate time. I didn't get as bad the second time around but it did lead to arguments and difficult times. I canned it off for a second time and never looked back.

You need to ask yourself the question of what will you play, what level will you play it, how much time will that take up, and how easy will it be to spend to much time doing it. Especially with children in the equation, 1-2 hours per night might not seem like a lot of gaming but it is a huge amount of time, even 1-2 hours every other day is a lot so if you think you want to spend more time then that on it then I honestly wouldn't bother re-investing in the first place.

Maybe consider taking up a shared interest or make more effort with one another. It is likely you have a desire to have a computer again because you are bored, not specifically because you want a computer, its just a known solution to you for boredom.

Also it is an addiction, maybe not to the computer but to the achievement you got from playing the games, so while it might be easy to switch it off in the long run, its also far to easy to over do it while it is present, taking you back to where you used to be.

As you have said your issue was quite extreme before (as was mine) and I don't think there is anything controlling or wrong with your wife's reaction, or even your mothers. They aren't wrong to not want you to do it.

 

[Roar87]

I don't negotiate with terrorists. In the case of a partner threatening to walk out if you do something which you deem reasonable, you should always show them the door, or they'll simply be able to use that power to control you. Most Women will only be happy when you're sat by their side watching some trash female drama while making them cups of tea. Be a man, buy yourself a gaming PC if that's what you want to do, if you yourself think you're spending a reasonable amount of time on it then that's what should matter, not your mother or partners opinion.

 

[Maccy]

Also remember what the main subject of this forum is, so expect a certain bias with the replies - just something to consider!

 

[beasty6]

Been in a very similar situation to you, also went back to it.

My crux was WoW, the problem was it always was a time sink game, even when I went back to it and played at a much lower level of intensity it still ate time. I didn't get as bad the second time around but it did lead to arguments and difficult times. I canned it off for a second time and never looked back.

You need to ask yourself the question of what will you play, what level will you play it, how much time will that take up, and how easy will it be to spend to much time doing it. Especially with children in the equation, 1-2 hours per night might not seem like a lot of gaming but it is a huge amount of time, even 1-2 hours every other day is a lot so if you think you want to spend more time then that on it then I honestly wouldn't bother re-investing in the first place.

Maybe consider taking up a shared interest or make more effort with one another. It is likely you have a desire to have a computer again because you are bored, not specifically because you want a computer, its just a known solution to you for boredom.

Also it is an addiction, maybe not to the computer but to the achievement you got from playing the games, so while it might be easy to switch it off in the long run, its also far to easy to over do it while it is present, taking you back to where you used to be.

As you have said your issue was quite extreme before (as was mine) and I don't think there is anything controlling or wrong with your wife's reaction, or even your mothers. They aren't wrong to not want you to do it.

Thanks, the game I had a problem with was ARK (which I also have on the Xbox, and my other half does like it) and I plan on playing games like assassin's creed, far cry, company if heroes, battlefield etc, nothing mmo or big like ARK again, games I can just pause and save it leave at any time.

May I ask if your gaming PC caused a break up? How did you get back into it without causing problems? If any?

 

[WantoN]

You need to calmly explain to her it won’t cause a problem, why it did before and why it won’t again.

If she gets emotionally just stay calm and logical.

I play my computer most days, but I always prioritise my family and stop playing if they’re available. As long as you do the same it’ll be fine.

I see a lot of people who don’t do this, who alienate their families and ultimately kill the relationship. So her concern is valid.

 

[Syla5]

May I ask if your gaming PC caused a break up? How did you get back into it without causing problems? If any?

It very nearly caused a divorce, twice, but we both agreed to work on it.

First time around I played before we had our daughter and then continued through after, and then it got to much for my other half and it all came to a head and I switched off the PC. Everything was good until a few years later we moved home, and I said I just wanted to set up the PC so it was usable and maybe play it occasionally to have something to do. Well I played it occasionally, then it turned it to more often... Never hitting the heights of my play time that I was at before but I knew I was spending more time on the PC again.

Things all came to a head again and that was that. I willingly packed away the PC and we work now even harder then before to make sure we don't get to such dark places again.

The PC did come back out last year, but I played it very little and only in what was truly my own time, and realised I just didnt get the enjoyment out of it that I thought I could in what I considered a reasonable amount of time playing it so I put it away.

The biggest takeaway from all of this was that it was an addiction or it was a tool to feed an addiction of some sort.

We have moved forward together and I have found a happy medium in the form of mobile games, they help with boredom and are so much easier to pick up and put do and not over invest time in to.

TL/DR - got it out nearly broke up, got it back out nearly broke up, didn't get it out again, much happier.

 

[WantoN]

You need to calmly explain to her it won’t cause a problem, why it did before and why it won’t again.

If she gets emotionally just stay calm and logical.

I play my computer most days, but I always prioritise my family and stop playing if they’re available. As long as you do the same it’ll be fine.

I see a lot of people who don’t do this, who alienate their families and ultimately kill the relationship. So her concern is valid.

 

[beasty6]

You need to calmly explain to her it won’t cause a problem, why it did before and why it won’t again.

If she gets emotionally just stay calm and logical.

I play my computer most days, but I always prioritise my family and stop playing if they’re available. As long as you do the same it’ll be fine.

I see a lot of people who don’t do this, who alienate their families and ultimately kill the relationship. So her concern is valid.

100% going to try that tonight, my mum has called me in a better mood so will see how it goes, hoping I can meet my other half in the middle, even if I only play while she's at work and little ones in bed.

 

[AndyT]

100% going to try that tonight, my mum has called me in a better mood so will see how it goes, hoping I can meet my other half in the middle, even if I only play while she's at work and little ones in bed.

Clearly there has been a major issue in the past, otherwise, you wouldn't have two people against you, and your wife's reaction this time around wouldn't be so severe.

You have to be in the house when your wife is working as there needs to be someone there with the kids when they are asleep. So clearly an alternative such as gym or another activity away from the house is out of the question. It seems reasonable to me that gaming might be something you could do when she is not there and the kids are asleep. Although from your history, I'd say being seen on the PC when the Mrs is in the house will be a red rag to a bull. It would not go down well, I suspect. If you're on it when she gets back from work, she could very well kick off too. Also, you couldn't allow it to affect your work or mood, say, by staying up late on it and not getting enough sleep.

I have a few questions, obviously you don't need to answer to me, but maybe worth considering in your own mind.

• Is there an underlying cost issue here as well? A worthwhile gaming PC will easily be the best part of a grand these days, if not more with all the peripherals/screen etc. This is a big family expenditure to benefit just one person.
• Why is your mum getting involved in this? The marriage is between you and your wife. Although, on the other hand, you could have an ally in her. Maybe you could work the angle with your mother first, she might come around and convince your wife to give it a go.
• How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? When I got to around 30 my interest in games dropped off significantly and it seems to have been a common theme with some members here. I can barely manage more than an hour these days and almost never complete a game. The shine has definitely worn off the hobby. I am trying to force myself to complete just the story part of GTAV. I don't really know why I'm forcing myself, I just feel it's a game I should complete.
• Do you demonstrate other addictive behaviours like excessive phone use? Could this be worrying your partner and mother?

For what it's worth, I upgraded last year, full overhaul. By far the most enjoyable part of the experience was researching the parts, looking at benchmarks and adding to/emptying my basket several times and waiting in anticipation for the parts. When I built it and fired it up for the first time I installed a few games, went "oooohhh, woooowwwww, so pretty and smooth" for a few minutes and then it was just sort of, "meh". Massive anti-climax.

I don't buy into the whole "if dem *****es don't let me play my PC or do what I want, I let dem *****es go!". There is no way I would risk my family to stubbornly keep up an archaic attitude of "no woman tells me what to do". You've got to make your own decision on what's more important. Never being able to play the PC might suck, but not having a family will probably suck harder. We have to live with the situations our past behaviours have placed ourselves in. You at least have an XBOX, it could be worse.