The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

[Solus]

This is where the bedtime with my daughter comes in, she thrives on routine and nobody has been able to get her to sleep in her life other than me. I was in hospital overnight once and it was a right mess.

There's always the option to do something once she's asleep, but would always involve driving just in case I am needed.

It's a difficult one, but I'm more willing to take the risk, whereas her mother wants to do everything in her power to make sure she isn't upset.

 

[clubb699]

No it's not normal @Solus the married guys at work go out fairly reguarly. Somone times on a Friday night ot shift one of the guys drops his gf and the others wives off on thier night out then picks them up when he finishes around 4am

You have to work your life around your limits but you don't jist stop and sit in doors everyday

This is great advice you need to have your fun, same all the lads at work do the same and go out etc

 

[413x]

This is where the bedtime with my daughter comes in, she thrives on routine and nobody has been able to get her to sleep in her life other than me. I was in hospital overnight once and it was a right mess.

There's always the option to do something once she's asleep, but would always involve driving just in case I am needed.

It's a difficult one, but I'm more willing to take the risk, whereas her mother wants to do everything in her power to make sure she isn't upset.

You should just say you're going to do X at some point next week. And arrange with her / some support to look after the kids. She can't really stop you.
I can't stand when people make a choice (her not going out) but then expect you to also abide by that choice.

 

[413x]

Had a right nightmare this week. Been in a relationship for around 4 months but it turned sour this week due to her insecurities manifesting to the point I just couldn't take it anymore. Because of her mental state, shes tried suicide which has made the entire thing even worse. I was 300 miles away at the time and she told me she had started cutting herself so I involved her family straight away. The crazy thing is, this was all over eye liner! I started to suspect she was just using me as a credit card after she told me about what she wanted for christmas and her birthday, both being a £500 phone and a £1000 holiday. She justified this demand because I'm on twice her salary so I said she was being bloody daft as I'd go out for a meal for a birthday but not throw money at someone like that and why on earth christmas needs a price tag at all is just stupid.

Now here is the really silly point - I wanted a holiday as my job is rather brutal so I started looking at last minute deals. She naturally churped up saying where she'd like to go and to be fair I liked the look of it so I booked. She said she would give me some money towards it and pay her way so I booked. After booking, I find out by that she means that she'll take £100 along with us as "emergency funds" incase we need it, yet the holiday I booked was £2072 all inclusive lol. By this point, I finally woke up and realised I was being used like the mug I am and I'm so disappointed in myself.

I phoned jet2holidays to try and cancel and they wanted to keep 90%, so I've paid another £300 and gifted the holiday to my sister and boyfriend as the thought of going alone doesn't appeal to me, nor does losing the money completely.

I honestly don't know why I bother with dating or relationships as the last few years for me have been filled with people like this who have some serious entitlement issues. Time to be single for a while and focus on myself.

For whatever reason you are getting the wrong ones.
There are plenty of good girls out there. Maybe you should look for why you keep getting this type?
Do you go for the really superficial girls? Or the 'fix me' cases?

 

[413x]

That's because those men are weak!

.
Agree
If you aren't happy fix it or leave.
There are plenty of reasonable girls out there.
But I understand it's easy to get the mindset of staying in a dead/bad relationship because you paint a picture of it being great, or you'll not get someone better, or you've invested to much time etc

 

[James J]

For whatever reason you are getting the wrong ones.
There are plenty of good girls out there. Maybe you should look for why you keep getting this type?
Do you go for the really superficial girls? Or the 'fix me' cases?

Not sure, I'll reflect on it and see if I can spot any commonality.

 

[bakes0310]

Hi all need advice.

Me and fiancee have been rowing a lot lately over the past 3 months and it's both getting us down. It's usually about finances as we're saving for a house and wedding and wanting to have a baby once we have got our ducks in a row.
She's very insecure and is always saying am I having an affair which doesn't bother me as I'm not and I know she doesn't mean it.
We had an argument last night and we sort of made up without saying much. But I let her leave the house without saying much this morning while she goes off to work.
I tend to say a lot of stuff in arguments that I don't mean or genuinely don't know why I say it. Like last night I said I want out and I haven't been happy for months. I don't mean it but I guess I know it'll upset her, but do I mean it, I just don't know what I feel.

 

[Fubsy]

Does the "we" definitely include the both of you on the house, wedding and baby? They are 3 pretty heavy commitments to be contemplating.

I'm in my early 30s and still tend to act out when big commitments are approaching due to insecurity of situation throughout my life, whether it be a house, dog, cat, whatever, and I don't even realise I do it until we have a flash point and it all comes out that I'm really struggling with a big commitment and wanting everything to just stay the way it is. I get comfortable while she's always looking for ways to keep her busy.

Also, using her insecurity against her by saying you haven't been happy for months is likely to backfire; you need to decide what you want and keep calm during these fights to minimise the stuff you don't mean. I find the truth is usually what comes out during the heat of battle.

What ages are you? How long have you been together?

 

[Beasty]

I've said before that when a man gets into a long term relationship with a woman she starts to separate him from his friends. I've seen it happen time and again. It also happened to me. The problem is that when it first starts men think it's easier to just agree to stay in that night, or not arrange something, because of the argument it will cause. After all it's just one night, right? But then it becomes another and another .Then she starts saying she doesn't like one or more of your friends so that starts driving a wedge between you. It just gets worse of you let it. Then it's no longer a small argument but it becomes a big argument to start getting your space and friendships back. By then it's too late because you let her win the small battles and they added up to winning the war.

I had it in my relationship too and I dont even think it was deliberate. I just thought early on that it was the right thing to do to keep her happy. Many years later I realised what had haplendd and started getting my space back. But it was a big struggle with some pretty big arguments to do it.

My advice to anyone in the early years of a relationship to be true to yourself. Don't bend too much to someone else's will. Stand firm on the small things because the small things add up over time.

Amen to that, think a lot of us will have had it because it takes hindsight to remedy it a lot of the time. I'd get guilt-tripped into staying in or coming back early from drinks with my mates. I lost a lot of contact with other friends because of things like that too and when I tried to get back in touch with them it was clearly an issue.

Part of it is when they don't really have their own friends or things to do on a Saturday night. There was a period when my ex would spend Saturdays with her mum and watch crap telly (her only real friend) and that was great as I'd get time to myself or go out without feeling bad but then her mum got a new fella and ditched her pretty much so it was back down to me.

I'd actively encourage her to go out etc and I remember her going on a hen-do once and I happily dog sat for her (Aging pooch), hoped she might come back drunk and feeling a bit naughty but she was home about 9pm more sober than I was!

I miss my ex a lot of the time and feel a lot of guilt for breaking it off but then I remember things like this.

 

[Hades]

Hi all need advice.

Me and fiancee have been rowing a lot lately over the past 3 months and it's both getting us down. It's usually about finances as we're saving for a house and wedding and wanting to have a baby once we have got our ducks in a row.
She's very insecure and is always saying am I having an affair which doesn't bother me as I'm not and I know she doesn't mean it.
We had an argument last night and we sort of made up without saying much. But I let her leave the house without saying much this morning while she goes off to work.
I tend to say a lot of stuff in arguments that I don't mean or genuinely don't know why I say it. Like last night I said I want out and I haven't been happy for months. I don't mean it but I guess I know it'll upset her, but do I mean it, I just don't know what I feel.

You are in the part of the relationship that's the best it probably will ever be. It should be fantastic right now. With a house, marriage and kids you will introduce more stress over money and time. If your relationship is not strong now then what do you think will happen to it when you are under even more stress? It's going to get worse and you will be trapped in a relationship where you have no easy exit.

My strong advice would be to not move any further forward with any of those until you resolve your relationship issues to both of your satisfactions. You would be foolish to buy a house, get married or consider children at this point. I'm not saying you should break up. But I am saying you both need to sit down and fix this before you ever agree to anything more. Please think carefully and don't just drift into more commitment.

 

[bakes0310]

Fubs and Hades thanks for replies.

I am in my early 30's and my partner is in her mid 20's, we have been together for nearly 4 years. We both want the house, marriage and kids and both get frustrated with finances slowing it down for us. We're not silly with money it's just were on low incomes. I'm doing a course but can't seem to pass the exams so am paying for expensive resits, which I must do as it comes with a payrise in my job that will help.

We got other issues like not having sex much think I've had it about 3 times this year. That's a confidence issue for her not liking her body despite me saying she's beautiful, she doesn't believe it herself.
I'm not the greatest around the house but do try, but I end up doing something wrong then she gets very stressed at me. I'm making it sound like it's her fault but it's not I'm causing her to get stressed and the arguments are pretty much started with me doing something wrong.

 

[413x]

You are in the part of the relationship that's the best it probably will ever be. It should be fantastic right now. With a house, marriage and kids you will introduce more stress over money and time. If your relationship is not strong now then what do you think will happen to it when you are under even more stress? It's going to get worse and you will be trapped in a relationship where you have no easy exit.

My strong advice would be to not move any further forward with any of those until you resolve your relationship issues to both of your satisfactions. You would be foolish to buy a house, get married or consider children at this point. I'm not saying you should break up. But I am saying you both need to sit down and fix this before you ever agree to anything more. Please think carefully and don't just drift into more commitment.

Agreed. To plan all that in one go also seems like overkill. Are you sure you don' m the things you say deep down?
Do you really want to tie yourself to this person? Because each of those things is another commitment. (especially the baby)
If you are having arguments about finances before kids is it right to be planning all this?

 

[413x]

Fubs and Hades thanks for replies.

I am in my early 30's and my partner is in her mid 20's, we have been together for nearly 4 years. We both want the house, marriage and kids and both get frustrated with finances slowing it down for us. We're not silly with money it's just were on low incomes. I'm doing a course but can't seem to pass the exams so am paying for expensive resits, which I must do as it comes with a payrise in my job that will help.

We got other issues like not having sex much think I've had it about 3 times this year. That's a confidence issue for her not liking her body despite me saying she's beautiful, she doesn't believe it herself.
I'm not the greatest around the house but do try, but I end up doing something wrong then she gets very stressed at me. I'm making it sound like it's her fault but it's not I'm causing her to get stressed and the arguments are pretty much started with me doing something wrong.

Personally sounds like there are quite a few issues here with both of you and the relationship.
With all that, I (myself) would not be wanting to be tied in with the plans you are putting in place

Money and bedroom.. Probably two of the biggest warning flags in relationships?

 

[ci_newman]

Hi all need advice.

Me and fiancee have been rowing a lot lately over the past 3 months and it's both getting us down. It's usually about finances as we're saving for a house and wedding and wanting to have a baby once we have got our ducks in a row.
She's very insecure and is always saying am I having an affair which doesn't bother me as I'm not and I know she doesn't mean it.
We had an argument last night and we sort of made up without saying much. But I let her leave the house without saying much this morning while she goes off to work.
I tend to say a lot of stuff in arguments that I don't mean or genuinely don't know why I say it. Like last night I said I want out and I haven't been happy for months. I don't mean it but I guess I know it'll upset her, but do I mean it, I just don't know what I feel.

To be honest, it sounds like you both need to grow up a bit.

Especially you! You should never be resorting to tactics specifically designed to hurt your partner (telling her that you want to leave etc). Of course she's going to be insecure about your relationship if you tell her that you don't want to be there!! You need to learn better coping mechanisms for arguments and conflict.

 

[Roar87]

Fubs and Hades thanks for replies.

I am in my early 30's and my partner is in her mid 20's, we have been together for nearly 4 years. We both want the house, marriage and kids and both get frustrated with finances slowing it down for us. We're not silly with money it's just were on low incomes. I'm doing a course but can't seem to pass the exams so am paying for expensive resits, which I must do as it comes with a payrise in my job that will help.

We got other issues like not having sex much think I've had it about 3 times this year. That's a confidence issue for her not liking her body despite me saying she's beautiful, she doesn't believe it herself.
I'm not the greatest around the house but do try, but I end up doing something wrong then she gets very stressed at me. I'm making it sound like it's her fault but it's not I'm causing her to get stressed and the arguments are pretty much started with me doing something wrong.

Are you revising for your exams properly, could you put more effort into that maybe? I bet you could also put more effort into doing chores around the house. Also a word of advice, don't say silly things like "I haven't been happy for months" in an argument, Men are meant to be the more emotionally stable partner in a relationship, it's an unattractive trait to say things you don't actually mean in an argument. Why are you arguing over finances though? Get a budget, make a spreadsheet, put in all your incomes and outgoings into it, and there should be no arguments because you know what you have to spend.

 

[Mason-]

Not sure, I'll reflect on it and see if I can spot any commonality.

Haven't followed this thread very much James J, but by getting 'that type' a lot are you referring to ones who are after you for your wallet? I noticed in your post you said that she knew what your salary is. Are you very ready to show off how much you earn? I get that financial security is something women find attractive but on the same token if you are very forthright in showing how much you earn you'll attract women who are only after that. Perhaps there needs to be a bit of balance there.

 

[bakes0310]

Are you revising for your exams properly, could you put more effort into that maybe? I bet you could also put more effort into doing chores around the house. Also a word of advice, don't say silly things like "I haven't been happy for months" in an argument, Men are meant to be the more emotionally stable partner in a relationship, it's an unattractive trait to say things you don't actually mean in an argument. Why are you arguing over finances though? Get a budget, make a spreadsheet, put in all your incomes and outgoings into it, and there should be no arguments because you know what you have to spend.

Im studying okay and the chores around the house I'll try and do more. I know men areeant to be the alpha so I kinda let myself down there but usually I'm pretty good, just got upset and blurted it out.

 

[Fubsy]

Fubs and Hades thanks for replies.

I am in my early 30's and my partner is in her mid 20's, we have been together for nearly 4 years. We both want the house, marriage and kids and both get frustrated with finances slowing it down for us. We're not silly with money it's just were on low incomes. I'm doing a course but can't seem to pass the exams so am paying for expensive resits, which I must do as it comes with a payrise in my job that will help.

We got other issues like not having sex much think I've had it about 3 times this year. That's a confidence issue for her not liking her body despite me saying she's beautiful, she doesn't believe it herself.
I'm not the greatest around the house but do try, but I end up doing something wrong then she gets very stressed at me. I'm making it sound like it's her fault but it's not I'm causing her to get stressed and the arguments are pretty much started with me doing something wrong.

Get the finances into spreadsheets or budgeting app of some sorts. That will give you some feedback on the progress you are making, this might make her feel more secure about the plans you've both made. We did this before buying our house, it made things so much more focused and took away the racing thoughts about money at night, it also made us realistic about our expectations. Arguments about money ceased over night due to there being a clear plan put in place during a pre-arranged time to discuss the matter, not an ad-hoc 5 min discussion over dinner, total focus for a whole afternoon together.

The sex is a tricky one and I don't really feel experienced enough to give any solid advice, you really need to talk this through (to find out if it's the truth or an excuse) because if she isn't happy with her body in front of the person she loves then that's something she'll need help overcoming, it's not going to be healthy going forward if you aren't happy about this. Anecdote time: We have a strange relationship anyway due to being complete opposites in terms of personality, but all I can say is that I really lost interest around 4 years into our relationship due to stress and getting ****ed off at her for leaving clothes/shoes/rubbish/makeup/crap everywhere and constantly having to pick up after her that I found it a total turn off, almost as if I lost respect for her. She finally understood this after many arguments and has realised she gets a reward for not being a messy cow If your fiance is anything like me, she will get a lady chub when you surprise her with how much effort you've put in.

You need to learn that by keeping calm during arguments they can be very constructive and strengthen the bond, the most important step you can take right now is to really concentrate on keeping your cool during these battles. Not cold and dismissive, but calm, precise, listen and work towards solutions to the issues you both bring up. Once the dialogue starts to be positive it just snowballs. May even lead to makeup sex...

 

[Roar87]

Im studying okay and the chores around the house I'll try and do more. I know men areeant to be the alpha so I kinda let myself down there but usually I'm pretty good, just got upset and blurted it out.

If you've failed the exam and that's your way towards a higher income, then you need to study twice as hard, simple. Make a plan for your time, give yourself time off to relax, but make sure you have time set aside to do your chores and extra time to revise. Make sure your chores are fairly delegated between both of you as well so you know what your responsibilities are around the house. I do the vacuuming, feed the pets, take the rubbish out and clean the kitchen. My girlfriend cleans the clothes, cleans the Rabbit out, cleans the bathroom, etc - there's clear lines of responsibility.

 

[Ayahuasca]

Sounds like it's over to be honest and you're both just co-dependant, mid 20's and early 30's and bonking 3 times in 9 months... on top of that money struggles and behaviour that children resort to, to try and win an argument. In my opinion you should just split up, focus damn hard on yourself for a few years and then find someone who actually makes you feel like a young man. Whatever you tell yourself the bedroom situation likely won't get much better, if at all and it's a significant issue.