Advice for a new dad (arguing after newborn)...

[Quartz]

My son was born three weeks ago ...

I'm not a father but where are the grandparents? Bring them round, if only for a cup of tea and to coo at the baby. It will both distract and soothe your partner. And if you can afford a home help service, do it. Someone to do the laundry, vacuum and clean up. That way you can concentrate on father-child bonding when you get home and your partner can get some sleep. Make sure you discuss it with her first!

 

[Ayahuasca]

Make sure you discuss it with her first!

Yeah, don’t wanna get caught ******* the maid.

 

[Dirk Diggler]

This sums up Millennials and all that is wrong with this thread and society.

Let's all hark back to the days when you could have given her the hairy side of the hand on your way out to the pub for some peace.

Advice from a man's man, that's what we need.

 

[johnny6]

Ooooh, so I can have a party to reveal I'm a bloke?

I'm in!

If that’s what it takes for people to realise you are in fact a bloke yes you can.

 

[Lil old me]

I have a four month old and I could have written your story myself!

I wouldn't claim to be some sort of expert as we're very much living through the same thing. However, I do think that asking whether she is being unreasonable isn't likely to get you anywhere. Objectively, yes she probably is. But ultimately you aren't going to convince her of that, and you need to keep on living together!

As others have said sleep deprivation does horrible things to people. My best advice would be to try and suck it up for the time being. Things will get better eventually and she will appreciate it if you can be supportive now.

We have started asking each other to rate (out of 5) how were feeling in the morning after an inevitably difficult night. That helps me to gauge how much I can push back at things, how reasonable shes likely to be, and/or how much I'm likely to get it in the neck today for nothing at all. It also helps her to know she has told me how she is feeling, in a neutral way, so she can feel more comfortable that I will know when she is struggling.

There is no way you will avoid every argument, but if you hold on to the fact that shes most likely exasperated and fuming at the situation rather than you, and try to use that knowledge to be even more patient than you ever have needed to before, then you might find you avoid responding, and avoid the argument completely.

TLDR; yes you are doing enough; you won't win, so don't try; it going to be impossibly hard for a while yet; but it won't last forever; try your hardest in the meantime, it will be worth it in the end!

 

[Musty Pie]

I hate this kind of thing. My partner was unable to breastfeed, she spent 3 nights in hospital after giving birth and the pressure put upon her by the staff was absolutely horrendous to the point I complained. She was in tears for being made to feel like a failure which of course she wasn't. Lazy indeed. What a judgemental arse.

OP - as many have said parenting is really really hard for the first 6-8 months. But soon enough this will all fade into some weird memory haze you can't quite recall properly and you will instead be rewarded with the most amazing experience life can offer.

Well someone took my point out of context ... Well done for donning the hat of the easily offended brigade tonight! you did them justice!

I will summarise my point for you so maybe you can untwist those panties of yours and realise what a silly snow flake you might have just been.

The post I quoted specifically said that bottle feeding is better than breastfeeding to help them sleep more; claiming that they they are more "full" etc. Did I claim those parents that cant or don't are lazy parents? No. Regardless of how you read it! I just said that its moronic advice. And I stand by that.

I do indeed make a comment about "lazy parents". Again not in relation to BF specifically. So you can continue to wind that neck back in of yours. And don't worry apology accepted.

Furthermore; I think if you took a look at many parents today, they are indeed quite lazy. Is that anything to do with my comment on the bottle feeding advise? No. More so many other reasons. But that's something we wont get into here...

Those who are unable to breast feed after giving it a good go, I do genuinely sympathise with them. Its not an easy job AT ALL, which again is why I suggested the OP give his wife as much help as he can and make her feel special for achieving something many other women cant. I have been to many BF clinics over the years and the range of issues these women are supported through most men wouldn't even begin to understand. Its a really tough job. But the rewards are worth the hard work.

To even suggest to a mum who CAN BF to swap to bottles because it helps them "sleep better" is beyond stupid for many reasons (which others have listed already). This dad who suggested this clearly values sleep over the benefits of BF - Selfish man.

Personally I wouldn't sleep a wink for 6 months if need be if it meant my child could get all the benefits from colostrum, and breast milk. Not to mention the bonding and comfort they will get from so much contact with the mum. But hey, a few more hours kip a night right?

As for your comments around the healthcare professionals "pressuring" her into it. Good I'm glad they did!

It's VERY important and can give your child the best start in life possible - Which is the midwives and healthcare professionals job to ensure happens. Heavens forbid they had your new born child's best interests at heart. How dare they?

As for my knowledge around all these topics? Well I know a fair bit about this stuff because my partner is a qualified midwife and guess which mug had to help her read up and study a lot in the evenings during her Uni years...

 

[Jean-F]

WTH is a "push present"?

I was hoping that someone would come up with a definitive answer on that, my best guess, (because we’ve all heard nurses in movies say, “push”, when a baby is being born), is that it’s a compensatory type gift for going through the painful process of giving birth, that women have been going through since the beginning of time, without getting “push” gifts.
My first wife gave birth to our two sons, three years apart, she neither got, nor desired, a “push” gift.
She got exactly what she needed, and was entitled to expect, my love, attention, and help, with anything she asked for, and a lot that she didn’t need to ask for.

 

[Domo]

She got exactly what she needed, and was entitled to expect, my love, attention, and help, with anything she asked for, and a lot that she didn’t need to ask for.

Nicely put - and quite right too.

 

[MoRT489]

Thanks. I'm not opposed to going to formula, because I am slightly sceptical of the supposed benefits of breastfeeding (not that I'm an expert, but I've read a little bit on it), especially when it's taking a toll on the mother's mental health (it's easy to start resenting a baby when it wants to feed every hour for 45 minutes!). However, I think my other half is quite determined to stick to it. What she might do is start expressing milk after four weeks so that I can feed the baby expressed milk from a bottle at night, to give her a break.

Sleeping when baby sleeps is good advice, but sometimes difficult. Our little one doesn't like being put in a cot and wants to be close to his mum to sleep, and a lot of the time he will nod off after breastfeeding, sleeping on his mum. Which means that she can't sleep then. This is why we're trying the bed-sharing, because at least that way if he sleeps after being fed, his mum is also in a position to be able to sleep safely.

Some fantastic advice in this thread so I’ve not got much to add other than to buy a Caccoonababy. It seems expensive for how long baby will use it for but you’ll be glad you got one, believe me, go out and buy it right now if you can find a shop within 30 miles that sells it! And get your partner out of the habit of bed sharing ASAP, the kid will become more and more reliant on it and constant access to boob means that he’ll be using it for comfort rather than feeding, which will just exacerbate your partner’s sleep deprivation. And sleeping in separate beds isn’t going to help your relationship with the Mrs.

 

[dl8860]

We've got an 8 month old, all I'll offer is stop worrying about if your wife is ****** off with you or not and keep being as patient and supportive as you can.

We found at about the 6 month point we felt like our relationship was a bit strained - we were together 10 years before the baby - but have since worked hard to make things better. Just keep doing your best.

On push presents, I've not got my wife one and she's made a few comments about the lack of one but it's no big deal either way. I actually feel like I want to do something really nice for her as my appreciation for her as a mum is through the roof, she is amazing and she does deserve something. It's not a reward, it's a sign of appreciation. And I don't want to do it because she gave birth, I want to do it because she's shown an amazing amount of patience and resilience in the last 17 months (we had a few minor complications in pregnancy too). And she is just amazing with him, fun and spends ages making interesting and health food and always taking him out on walks, swimming etc.

 

[Kelt]

If that’s what it takes for people to realise you are in fact a bloke yes you can.

I think I do...I'm sure i have lesbian tendencies.

 

[NickNR]

I have a 4 month and a half month old myself.

Every single person's advice will differ, so you can use people's advice as a guide but a lot of it you will figure out for yourselves, and what works best for you.

I will share my thoughts on it however. We spent 4 nights in hospital before the birth and a night after, my fiance was getting a couple of hours sleep a night while in there (screaming women and various monitoring day and night), I slept on the floor with her each night, so was pretty shattered myself, but she was having to deal with so much more. Our little one would also feed up to 15 times a day, so we were getting a couple of hours sleep in 24 regularly, I would wake up each time she woke up anyway. When my little one was fed, I would try and get my fiance to go to bed for a little bit, even if it was only for 45 minutes, just to get any kind of sleep. Our little one was also pooping 12 or so times a day. After 6 or so weeks with so many problems with breastfeeding, my fiance produced too much fore milk, causing our little ones bum to literally get burnt by the acidic poops (literally looked like someone had run a cheese grater between her cheeks) causing her to be in agony everyone she went to the loo (bearing in mind how much she was going) and after trying literally every "trick" to try and rectify the fore milk issue, we tried formula, within 2 days we had a different baby. It broke my fiance's heart because she wanted to breast feed and felt like she failed our child by causing her the pain, but she did an incredible job by doing everything she could. I personally do not agree with mothers that choose not to breast feed just because they don't want saggy boobs, or the night feeds etc. Baby's are hard, but do what is best for them. So it is great your partner is doing that. Expressing is really, really helpful for you both when she gets the hang of it (took my fiance a little while to get it figured out) too.

Regarding getting up at night to help out even while at work, yes, I do think you should get up and help when you can, I often got by on only 3 or 4 hours sleep in 24 and worked full time. The mother will be more tired and more stressed, I can almost guarantee it. It won't last forever, keep telling yourself that!

Also, like many have said, there will be arguments, and jabs at you etc, just let them go, you are both pushed to your limits right now, again, it won't last forever.

Best of luck with it all!

 

[Zefan]

The amount of "men" in this thread who have rolled over for what seems like complete psychopaths is quite honestly, embarrassing. The only "push" present she'd be getting from me would be out the front door with her bags packed.

What does "getting ready for breastfeeding" mean? You pull your top down, stick baby on tit. That doesn't take 30 minutes. She needs to stop living in a fantasy land, and with your support, man the hell up and become a parent.

Yep, my thoughts are the same. Showed my wife the thread and she agrees

 

[AHarvey]

I got to push present and my anger twitched in a little. She wants a present for having a baby, the baby is the ******* present. If it was my wife I'd be telling her that if the baby wasn't enough of a gift to sort her life out.

I can also understand your frustration at 10 minutes becoming 40, when a baby is crying it's the last thing you need.

However, sleep deprivation needs to be shared until the little one is in a routine.

With our first I could work from 6am until 1am so I'd often come back and take the baby downstairs and the wife would sleep until feeding time. I'd often get her settled by 6am, into her cot, then bed for me and the wife would take over in the morning while I slept. With the 2nd, I was on 9-5 shifts so night times were a little harder but it still needs to be shared, even if that meant her going to bed at 8pm and getting a good 4 or 5 hours before a feed and then we'd switch back and forth.

It gets a little easier to share when bottle feeding as well.

What you could do is use some annual leave, just a single day each week. Means you can take a night shift with the baby and let her get a good nights sleep.

The most important thing is speaking to each other, you need to be a team and agree on a strategy, you also need to let her know it's ok to for you both to voice concerns or annoyances with the other without taking offence to it. If you think something is unreasonable, discuss it.

 

[Participant]

constant access to boob

Where do I sign?

 

[james.miller]

your comments around the healthcare professionals "pressuring" her into it. Good I'm glad they did!

It's VERY important and can give your child the best start in life possible - Which is the midwives and healthcare professionals job to ensure happens. Heavens forbid they had your new born child's best interests at heart. How dare they?

You know the point was his wife being made to miserable because she couldn't breastfeed, right? That isn't at all healthcare professionals doing their jobs as you see think and my wife and I experienced this first hand with our first child - she was treated awfully by the staff there. Nothing professional about it.

 

[Musty Pie]

You know the point was his wife being made to miserable because she couldn't breastfeed, right? That isn't at all healthcare professionals doing their jobs as you see think and my wife and I experienced this first hand with our first child - she was treated awfully by the staff there. Nothing professional about it.

My point is: If they didn't try to get mums to BF they wouldn't be doing thier jobs properly. Or doing right by the very purpose they work for; brining healthy children into the world.

Not everyone gets it right, and again I'm not sure I said they did either.

I'm sorry you feel you experienced bad staff and support. Did your wife have a reason she couldn't BF? Was it medical? Did the staff anhd health visitors suggest any local support groups or clinics to try attend?

Also outo of intwrest why do you feel the staff were awful?

 

[SixTwoSix]

I've got a soon to be two year old and I can echo that the first 6-9 months or so are the hardest, most stressful, most straining thing on a relationship you can go through. You second guess everything you do, everything your wife does, you're getting advice from all directions at once, whether asked for or not. Everyone thinks the way they brought up their kids is the best way and it's what you should do as well and they'll damn well let you know it. There is no one size fits all answer and my best advice is just muddle your way through it the best you can and don't turn on each other.

If you get offered help, take it, folks will often say "if you need a break for a few hours"...absolutely take them up on it, call them on their offers of support and use that time. Literally just having an hour out of the house, by yourself as a couple can reset your head before you go back and start it all over again.

Finally, since my son got to about 14 months or so, it's all started changing for the better, I think it's because he's more aware, he's mobile, he can communicate to a degree and he's just loads of fun. As I say, he'll be two soon and literally each day he does something new that just makes me go "christ, stop changing so fast"

 

[builder22]

Thought “push present” was something to do with a pram at first

 

[Musty Pie]

Thought “push present” was something to do with a pram at first

Yeah would be more practical if it was.

It's just for those women who want another gift because they delivered (read as:C-sectioned ) a baby.