Good luck.
Do you ever feel your kids rule you?
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Soldato
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as a high revenue earner, I use my new gucci belt to smack them with
You completely miss my point, it's not about technology per say it is about outside influences. We have had outside influences invading the household since the 1950s and the start of rock and roll.
But this was traditionally a cashing in on teenagers becoming independent and often having their own money to buy records and create their own identity. What we have now are pre-teens accessing content made by people on YouTube who are actually called "Influencers".
9 year olds of the past were riding their bike and building Lego. Plenty are still doing this but they are also coming in contact with a medium that no other generation has had access to before. Look at how successful YouTube is, these kids aren't going to suddenly get bored of it and stop watching, it's already a huge part of their life and influencing how they grow up.
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I've had this my whole life (in 30s now). I can give you a few tips for managing it.
1. The process of heating cotton tightens it. This is basically "shrink in the wash" if you want to Google that and read about the effects of heat on cotton. When you apply heat the fibres tighten up, and after a bit of wear (both meanings) it loosens up again. You can reduce the amount of tightening massively by washing on a low heat (30c) and tumble drying on low heat (cupboard dry only, not super ultra dry mode). You should teach your daughter about this, it will likely be important to her comfort for her whole life.
2. When you take clothes out of the washer and transfer them to the dryer, give them a good shake first. If you're doing it right you won't need to iron anything other than shirts. This serves two objectives: a) avoiding the source of heat from the iron, b) expands the cotton between washing and drying heat sources.
3. Stop fighting her, it is impossible for you to control how she feels in her clothes by arguing about it. If she doesn't like tight clothes, teach her how to loosen them. Give them a good shake or something before wearing. Don't make her feel anxious about it, it's an anxiety type of problem so a battle with you only makes it worse. The more comfortable she feels with you, that you will make her life better not worse, and how comfortable she feels in general (for me this is massively affected by clothing), the more likely she is to communicate with you and let you help her with other stuff.
4. Stop providing her with clothes she doesn't like. Make sure she's informed about washing labels as per earlier point, then delegate clothes buying to her. Provide her an increased allowance on the understanding that she uses it to buy her own clothes. This is good for you because it will reduce arguments, and it's good for her because she will learn to manage money. This process of increasing allowance in return for her buying her own stuff also works well for toiletries, shoes, school supplies, school lunches. She will make some mistakes, but that's part of learning, don't get mad, she's probably just embarassed so let it slide.
Now I want to make a more general point. This clothing issue is an anxiety issue. Your kid may feel under pressure. This might be a symptom of bullying. You must not impose your will on her, she will see you as a bully. If you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem. This means use your resources as an adult to help her, inform her, but let the decisions about her life be hers.
Imagine your kid's view of you is a pie chart. One slice is how much of your interactions make her feel good, the other slice is how much of your interactions make her feel bad. Improve the pie chart. gl.
edit: forgot to mention that clothes are a resource tradeoff. For the same money you can either have: a) a wide choice of clothing, or b) fewer clothes but replaced more frequently. Newer fabrics feel better, she might prefer b. Kids grow anyway, so planning to replace frequently is wise. If you give her money for birthdays or christmas, she'll probably put it into replacing clothing.
Soldato
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True story:
We were out for a meal and my 4 year old daughter was drawing a picture. She says, "Do you know what it's going to be Dad..? Put your guess in comments".
My heart sank a little.
No, sorry. For us bad behaviour always resulted in discipline. Later down the line that was removal of privileges (internet access, gadgets, I even threatened to take the door off the hinges once, never had to). It always started with a calm discussion of why something was wrong, and what would happen if it happened again.
Access to computers and devices should taken away an hour or two before bed so they unwind. Dinner shouldn’t be too late for the same reason. As for forgetting to re-restrict internet access, that’s a pretty poor excuse I’m afraid mate. Get a decent router and set up times restrictions. Holidays should be no different to the rest of the year.
After she’s put to bed, if she gets up you should just silently pick her up, and put her back to bed.
If she misbehaves, there need to be consequences. This needs to be consistent, and followed through on.
Being too soft will do nothing but make everyone miserable, including your child. They need boundaries, they need (gentle) discipline, they need consistency. They are not in charge. And most importantly, you need to be on the same page as your partner. You need to discuss the problem, come to an agreement on how to deal with misbehaving, and consistently deliver the same parenting.
Access to computers and devices should taken away an hour or two before bed so they unwind. Dinner shouldn’t be too late for the same reason. As for forgetting to re-restrict internet access, that’s a pretty poor excuse I’m afraid mate. Get a decent router and set up times restrictions. Holidays should be no different to the rest of the year.
After she’s put to bed, if she gets up you should just silently pick her up, and put her back to bed.
If she misbehaves, there need to be consequences. This needs to be consistent, and followed through on.
Being too soft will do nothing but make everyone miserable, including your child. They need boundaries, they need (gentle) discipline, they need consistency. They are not in charge. And most importantly, you need to be on the same page as your partner. You need to discuss the problem, come to an agreement on how to deal with misbehaving, and consistently deliver the same parenting.
Our daughter is the exact same, I genuinely feel your pain.
Unfortunately, you've asked for advice here and if it doesn't involve resetting her CMOS or lowering her vcore then the majority of these judgemental virgins will be no help whatsoever.
I'm busy right now, but will try to post later.
I think you deeply misjudge the demographic here.
Soldato
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I beg to differ.
Don't worry it going to get far worst when she hits her teen years
Self-inflicted pain
I feel for those with kids who just consume Internet content.i guess you go into it thinking of wonderful rewarding experiences as well as it being tough
But when those are so unequally weighted it must be hard because you cannot get out.
There is so much content to consume its easy to just get stuck especially for kids.
I won't be having kids because it doesn't seem fun. And your experience is what I imagine is a very possible outcome.
No advice or help I'm afraid but I do sympathise
But when those are so unequally weighted it must be hard because you cannot get out.
There is so much content to consume its easy to just get stuck especially for kids.
I won't be having kids because it doesn't seem fun. And your experience is what I imagine is a very possible outcome.
No advice or help I'm afraid but I do sympathise
True story:
We were out for a meal and my 4 year old daughter was drawing a picture. She says, "Do you know what it's going to be Dad..? Put your guess in comments".
My heart sank a little.
I've been successfully baited .
Is it safe to say in this ever increasing world where parents are less and less needed because you don't even need to take. Kids to clubs now because of Internet parents are questioning.... Am I even a part of my child's life?... Do they even need me apart From feeding?
I get everyones point and its great to see a broad range of views hopefully some here won't be having children
Its just part of growing up i suppose we forget what its like to be a kid as we get older and bitter and worry about other things. To a kid its novel and new.
I am guilty of letting things slide for the easy life and venting gives you a wake up call. Last few days have been decent no tantrums to speak of really just the odd selective hearing.
We tried to watch a movie though and she just wasn't interested and after 15mins tried changing the tv to Youtube took quite some time to talk her down and let her know this behaviour won't fly but we got there. She settled down and we watched it. However after we put her to bed i walk in and find her flipping the dog over shes only a frenchie hopefully that one is nipped in the bud as i gave her a talking to about it. Going to have to monitor that too already got a nut job with the mrs don't fancy another.
Its just part of growing up i suppose we forget what its like to be a kid as we get older and bitter and worry about other things. To a kid its novel and new.
I am guilty of letting things slide for the easy life and venting gives you a wake up call. Last few days have been decent no tantrums to speak of really just the odd selective hearing.
We tried to watch a movie though and she just wasn't interested and after 15mins tried changing the tv to Youtube took quite some time to talk her down and let her know this behaviour won't fly but we got there. She settled down and we watched it. However after we put her to bed i walk in and find her flipping the dog over shes only a frenchie hopefully that one is nipped in the bud as i gave her a talking to about it. Going to have to monitor that too already got a nut job with the mrs don't fancy another.
True story:
We were out for a meal and my 4 year old daughter was drawing a picture. She says, "Do you know what it's going to be Dad..? Put your guess in comments".
My heart sank a little.
The next pewdie?
I’d do the same, but it would take me far longer to quote the many helpful, insightful posts made in this thread.
Soldato
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I'm on the grow a pair side tbh. I have 3 of them; 14 (b), 11 (b), 4 (g).
They can test you, daily, but they will spend their lives doing that. It's all about, for us anyway, ensuring they know where the boundaries are. I push them all to try their hardest, and the 11yr old is challenging at the moment at school. I said to him, my job is to make sure when you're an adult you have all you need to make it on your own. You may think I'm being unfair sometimes but that's life. You're always going to think that at some point. If they don't do as they're told, they have their stuff taken away, simple.
We make it known what the standards are and what we expect and they need to fall in line with that. It's our house, not theirs. They will have their own house when they grow up and pay for it. But as they currently don't, it's our house and our rules.
I think we're really lucky, as they're very good. We were reminded of this this weekend after looking after 3 kids for other people (friends of ours) and jesus... no manners, no please or thank you, just "Ross get me a drink" (he's 4 but no way in ***** that works for me)
While we're pretty strict on a lot, we're also easier than others on some other things. It's give and take. We show them we appreciate them following our rules and behaving as they should. We show them we respect them when they show respect for others and us. They like to be treated like people, not kids, and when they behave in the right way, they are.
They can test you, daily, but they will spend their lives doing that. It's all about, for us anyway, ensuring they know where the boundaries are. I push them all to try their hardest, and the 11yr old is challenging at the moment at school. I said to him, my job is to make sure when you're an adult you have all you need to make it on your own. You may think I'm being unfair sometimes but that's life. You're always going to think that at some point. If they don't do as they're told, they have their stuff taken away, simple.
We make it known what the standards are and what we expect and they need to fall in line with that. It's our house, not theirs. They will have their own house when they grow up and pay for it. But as they currently don't, it's our house and our rules.
I think we're really lucky, as they're very good. We were reminded of this this weekend after looking after 3 kids for other people (friends of ours) and jesus... no manners, no please or thank you, just "Ross get me a drink" (he's 4 but no way in ***** that works for me)
While we're pretty strict on a lot, we're also easier than others on some other things. It's give and take. We show them we appreciate them following our rules and behaving as they should. We show them we respect them when they show respect for others and us. They like to be treated like people, not kids, and when they behave in the right way, they are.
I don't know why everyone is bothered by the size of my testies its quite odd. I mean i can tell you they are rather large and heavy as of late because of dealings with parenting leave little for sexy time with the wife. But thats that.
It is a bit of an 'easier said than done' situation but...
1. Change immediately how you and your missus are with her;
2. Get over the 'Oh no, she will hate me and love my partner more' mentality. Respect is earnt not bought.
3. Tough. Love. Be strict, be cold, but be fair. (when she plays up).
4. Never get angry. If she kicks off, just walk away, or talk to her calm. Or in the worst of times, pay her no attention whatsoever.
5. Don't be afraid to punish her - stop activities/hobbies/sports, restrict TV, Internet/Mobile/Tablet, remove pocket money etc.
1. Change immediately how you and your missus are with her;
2. Get over the 'Oh no, she will hate me and love my partner more' mentality. Respect is earnt not bought.
3. Tough. Love. Be strict, be cold, but be fair. (when she plays up).
4. Never get angry. If she kicks off, just walk away, or talk to her calm. Or in the worst of times, pay her no attention whatsoever.
5. Don't be afraid to punish her - stop activities/hobbies/sports, restrict TV, Internet/Mobile/Tablet, remove pocket money etc.
Get net nanny installed and set times when the wifi/internet is available for her.
You're the parent, you make the rules, she WILL abide by them....(coming from a dad of a 16 year old girl and identical twin boys toddlers.)