A gentle inner voice suggested: "Form up the doughnut, Zac. Fear not."
And so I issued the order -- the voice had never once wronged me; a saint or devil -- I did not care which, if it brought victory on this fair day of May, I would be its eternal servant ever after. Then they came.
All around us, a tumultuous ocean of banners red, green and orange. Some unholy wretch also scribed "CISTA" on his shield -- whatever that meant, it did not bode well for my loyal knights enwrapped in blue. Oh, woe! Is that what veterans called a swing?
"Zac, deploy the mud trebuchets. Bring down a few minarets around them. It will work," another whisper.
I complied. The hacks at the back scurried, the ugly weapons were set up and let loose with much leaflet and great smear. For a time it seemed as if a boundless disorder would envelop our opponents.
“Anti-Semites among us,” someone shouted, “we must find them! Betrayal!” It was a confused commotion on their left flank and the right. Perhaps even a chance for us to seize this martial bull by its sharpened horns and turn the tide of battle yet…
“What say you, voice?”
“Profile racially, dear Zac. Wedge in firmly rightwards from the centre, do not deviate – shock them!”
“Will it work?”
“Can you not see how easy it’d be to cleave them in twain from that direction? Send out the knuckle draggers first. Then your noble knights David and de Pfeffel with the horses. It will work, dear Zac. Fear not.”
A hail of deadly polling arrows showered us – a hammering of senseless death. For our red enemy was still too numerous to ignore long, even in disorder, their centre was holding up. Sadiq, their leader, was reforming the erstwhile noose around our necks – we had to face him now or it was all for nowt. No, I must go too this time. And with a heavy heart, I rallied the men for a most dreadful thrust. The red sea did not part; presently it faced us without so much as a ripple. Stillness.
"For London, reason and social progress!" went up the battle cry across the Labour ranks.
Heathen curs, oh Lord, how they mocked us! But brave Tories would not be cowed. A life of mortal torment – all for this chance – now or never.
"For Queen, Oxbridge and St George!" our own voices boomed in wrathful fervour. Then, akin to lithe hounds of war, we were unleashed, racing across the battlefield to glory, carnage and redemption. Boris cackled – a dervish of mace, horse and thunderous éclat; Dave waded in without any concern for danger too, and even when unhorsed and pinned to the ground, gnawed at Red Jezza’s heel until the end. Then came the screams…
The thin blue line quivered and in the parting rays of evening sunlight was undone. All was lost. The centre could not hold.
“Flee for your lives!” cried out a peasant voice.
Darkness. I could not recall fighting much or being struck or killing, but it came regardless. Where was I wounded? Why? I crumpled from my steed, it fell shortly after and did not rise again.
And so I lay there, my gangly bulk stretched out amongst the corpses of foe and friend alike. After what seemed like aeons my eyes flickered open once again, I could not move much, but there was time to think and speak my mind. The night would hear my blue confession. Like death itself she was a tender mother to all who lived and fought. She would not care for creed or deed or class; her warm caress would lull me back to sleep eternal.
"How did it come to this?" I asked the starlit sky above, hoping against hope another kindred soul yet lived. Silence. It is as I feared -- all cut down, the Tory army was no more. So many a good man and proud son of England. One true Scotsman too.
Again, I faced the moon. Alone. My childhood, in precious fleeting moments of happier carefree days, came into feverish view: the fields, the valleys and the blue sea – sweet Rhyl.
"How did it come to this?" Nothing stirred. A deathly chill ensnared my body, and there was nowt to do but pass into the shadows. And yet, as if by magic or divine will, my spine whipped and snapped into an arch. I was propelled upwards for one last gasp of earthly air, a tremor of unchained feeling drumming my heart’s terminal decline.
And in my bloodstained delirium, full of primal rage and bitter hatred, I roared a spiteful curse against all spinmeisters and the world, "I CROSBY THEE ALL TO HECK!"
Falling backwards, embraced by the night, once more the question came, “How did it come to this?” A tear rolled down my scarred cheek; vision fading.
And with my dying breath I implored the heavens.
"Take my soul to Rhyl... by the sea..."
Silence.
"Zac," came the whisper, "Rhyl is in Wales..."
Death.