A man went to see his doctor...

_PD_ said:
Jesus said to John "Come forth, and you shall recieve eternal life!"
John came fifth and won a toaster.
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Quality :D


Customer: I cleaned my computer and now it doesn't work any more.
Repairman: What did you clean it with?
Customer: Soap and water.
Repairman: Don't you know you're not supposed to touch a computer with water?
Customer: Oh, it wasn't the water that caused the problem...it was the spin dryer!
 
Fellow went to the opticians. The opticians asked what's wrong. The patient told him i cant see out of one eye then the doctor said ok we will get you a transplant eye sorted but because you have got brown eyes you will have to wait untill we can get a brown eye for you but if you can come up with one before us we will fit it for you in the mean while we can fit you a glass eye. Patient said fine and said thanks and left.

Months later the guy was driving home and spotted a car crash. The guy went and stoped by to see if he could help. He walked up to the crash site and saw a dead guy with his eyes wide open. He thought, oh dear, but then he said to himself wow them buggers are brown. So he thought, hmm he's dead he wont need one, so he whipped one out and replaced it with his glass eye so it looked normal. He then took it to the opticians and got it fitted later that day.

Months later he stoped at a garage and he overheard a mechanic telling a customer that there was a fatal crash a few months back. The guy said there was a crash a few months ago was there, what happened? The mechanic said well... there was a bloke who died in a car crash a few months back. At first nothing seemed wrong but when the police checked the driver, then he said, the policeman said that this guy not only drove 200 miles on a highway but drove with 2 glass eyes.

The guy looked at the mechanic and said "hmm thats amazing" then walked off with a grin.
 
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A man goes to the doctors complaining of severe headaches. The Doc checks him up and down and cant find anything, he sends him for every kind of test in the book, MRI, X-rays, everything, nothing. Finally the doctor comes to the conclusion and says to the man "the only thing left is castration".

The man is obviously distraught, he realises the doctors have tried everything and this must really be the last straw, so he agrees.

A week after the operation he is let out of hospital and lo and behold, no more headaches. But the man is devasted now at only being half a man so he decides, on his walk home, to buy himself a suit to make him feel better.

He goes into the tailors and tells the tailor he wants everything down to the underwear, the tailor agrees and gets him up on the stand in front of the mirror.

"I'd say you're about a 42 chest?" says the tailor.

"Yeah" says the man "how did you know that?"

"I can tell any measurement from lookin pretty much, I think you're a 32 waist, 34 leg, size 9 shoe and a medium boxers"

"Wow" says the man "thats amazing, everything right except one, I'm a small boxers"

"Na you're not" says the tailor "wearing a small boxers will squeeze your balls and give you headaches"
 
just got this texted to me - I'm trying to bring down this successful thread.

Irishman, Aussie and a Glaswegian in a bar spot Jesus sat on his own. They each send him a drink and Jesus sups them slowly.

When he's finished, he walks up to the Irishman, shakes his hand and thanks him for the Guiness. "Blimey", says the Irishman "My arthritis is completely gone!". Jesus then thanks the Aussie for the Fosters; "Crikey", exclaims the Aussie, "My bad back's cured!". Jesus then approaches the Glaswegian who promptly scarpers, yelling back "**** OFF, I'M ON DISABILITY BENEFIT!!!"
 
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