It's good to have other investments than your property and ensure you are diversified. £100 a month in a savings account would obviously be a pretty terrible idea for an 18+ year investment, but £100 a month in stock market tracker could be great.
Am I being unreasonable?
- Thread starter Kalexuz
- Start date
It's good to have other investments than your property and ensure you are diversified. £100 a month in a savings account would obviously be a pretty terrible idea for an 18+ year investment, but £100 a month in stock market tracker could be great.
Soldato
- Joined
- 9 Dec 2009
- Posts
- 5,419
- Location
- Bristol
If you got to the verge of breaking up over your idea of getting a sports car that should tell you everything you need to know.
Fixed
Maybe I'm misinformed about the end goal, but it doesn't sound over subscribed to me from what she's said? She's already a qualified social worker on £32k salary but on pro-rata due to being part time. I've always been of the understanding that in order to do the course she's on, Psychoanalytic Observational Studies, you need to have worked professionally with children before. Once this achievement is attained, you can then apply to do the next stage, Clinical Training in Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy which to my understanding is where the doctorate is achieved? However, if any or all that fails, she's still qualified as a social worker.
Thanks everyone, I've taken on board the comments.
![[FnG]magnolia](/styles/overclockers/avatars/9.png){kind=avatar}
Caporegime
- Joined
- 29 Aug 2007
- Posts
- 28,767
- Location
- Auckland
This car issue is an example of the problems in your marriage but not the reason for them. Do you argue about other things and jump straight to 'welp, divorce it is then' if the conversation doesn't go your way?
Associate
- Joined
- 2 Aug 2014
- Posts
- 2,029
- Location
- Watford
Main question is are you getting the 20k car or not after all this advice.
I personally wouldn't say £200/month on a hobby is reasonable on your wages, with a kid and a wife that works part-time. Worse that the money would be debt repayment, and thus committed (i.e. you can't just stop repaying the car for a few months if there's a sizeable and unexpected bill).
The monthly cost is one thing. The commitment is the step too far. I could occasionally spend £200 on a hobby. I couldn't justify it every month, let alone be committed to spending that. And I don't have a kid.
The monthly cost is one thing. The commitment is the step too far. I could occasionally spend £200 on a hobby. I couldn't justify it every month, let alone be committed to spending that. And I don't have a kid.
Last edited:
Crazy isn't it. We have someone discussing on an Internet forum if it's worth messing up a marriage and a child's life over a car.
Just make a compromise because that's what you sign up for when you get married and have children. You can get something suitable for less than half the cost.
You are being unreasonable and childish.
Just make a compromise because that's what you sign up for when you get married and have children. You can get something suitable for less than half the cost.
You are being unreasonable and childish.
Think I’m with the wider group on this one.
Unfortunately with a wife and kid in the picture, things aren’t as cut and dry. And talking divorce over a trivial object such as a rep piece of tin, well that does sound a bit strange. However, people are interested different things. And it’s matters like this that would make me a terrible husband as I hate the constant compromising and at-time clusterphobic co-dependence of relationships. Some guys seem to thrive on that. They can’t seem to function without ‘the missus giving them permission’ or ‘having to check with The Boss’ first, that type of thing makes my skin crawl. Most guys on here are like that so don't expect much understanding beyond their own conditioning. They're only reacting how their fathers reacted to their mothers and how they react to their own wives. It's trained/born behavior
I’ve recently met a guy in his first week of retirement, who wasn’t ‘allowed’ to spend his first weekend as a retiree playing golf as ‘The Boss’ wasn’t having a bar of it. Not even closer to death than birth is this guy ‘allowed’ to do what he wants. Anyway, my off topic views of the world aside
You’re in this thing now, for better or worse. And despite my mini rant above, with a kid involved you’ve got to compromise. While your figures show an average income where you could probably afford to buy a 20k bit of tin (totally not a car guy), this don’t purely sound like a numbers-only issue to me.
I’d say you let it go. You’re still young. Once you’ve increased your income levels and cleared some debt, revisit the issue.
Unfortunately with a wife and kid in the picture, things aren’t as cut and dry. And talking divorce over a trivial object such as a rep piece of tin, well that does sound a bit strange. However, people are interested different things. And it’s matters like this that would make me a terrible husband as I hate the constant compromising and at-time clusterphobic co-dependence of relationships. Some guys seem to thrive on that. They can’t seem to function without ‘the missus giving them permission’ or ‘having to check with The Boss’ first, that type of thing makes my skin crawl. Most guys on here are like that so don't expect much understanding beyond their own conditioning. They're only reacting how their fathers reacted to their mothers and how they react to their own wives. It's trained/born behavior
I’ve recently met a guy in his first week of retirement, who wasn’t ‘allowed’ to spend his first weekend as a retiree playing golf as ‘The Boss’ wasn’t having a bar of it. Not even closer to death than birth is this guy ‘allowed’ to do what he wants. Anyway, my off topic views of the world aside
You’re in this thing now, for better or worse. And despite my mini rant above, with a kid involved you’ve got to compromise. While your figures show an average income where you could probably afford to buy a 20k bit of tin (totally not a car guy), this don’t purely sound like a numbers-only issue to me.
I’d say you let it go. You’re still young. Once you’ve increased your income levels and cleared some debt, revisit the issue.
Soldato
- Joined
- 3 Nov 2004
- Posts
- 9,871
- Location
- UK
You can't get the car you want, boohoo. I had the cars and bikes, then kids, now it's MPV's. Family comes first. Get your priorities straight, decent house and savings. Once you get those sorted, save up for what you can afford. Getting in debt for a flash car is just ego, they're money pits.
Seriously? Your excuse for your wife not liking debt is that "we have a mortgage btw"? Unbelievable.
How on earth can you compare being in debt on the shelter for your children to being in debt for a 20 grand car you "want because it's a pain in the arse dropping my daughter off and picking her up several times a week in my FN2 Type R" ?
You're "practically breaking up over this"? Just because its a pain in the arse dropping your daughter off to school in your car so you want to spend 20K of borrowed money to make yourself feel better doing the school run?? I cant believe I'm reading this. Are you still going to take her to school after you break up?
You are seriously lacking in patience.
It's not even his £20K lmao.
This whole debacle is about OP spending what he doesn't have.
To the op:
Get some patience.
Get a mondeo.
?????
Profit.
In all honesty when I read the first line of the thread: "My partner of 6 years, now wife, married me knowing that I'm a "car guy""....
I thought it was about some serious car guy in his 40's who has driven it all and recently found some gold digger wife 6 years ago who keeps bitching a little too much about how he used his debit card to pay a £300K lump on a new Lamborghini.
By the end of the OP I'm just in shock. BMW on PCP seriously?
Last edited:
Being saddled with additional debt won't just affect you it will affect your whole family.
You need to start thinking more about 'we' and less about 'me' and be thankful that you have a wife who seems to have a better idea of priorities and more sense in matters of finance.
You need to start thinking more about 'we' and less about 'me' and be thankful that you have a wife who seems to have a better idea of priorities and more sense in matters of finance.
If she loved you before you got a £10K pay bump, then I think it's a little unreasonable to change her mind when the circumstances changes to £10K pay bump minus £300 per month.
If your disposable income is £600 after paying everything off and you're already over-paying your mortgage and putting into savings, then allocating £200 per month of that excess to enjoy life is not unreasonable, imo.
Of course I'm taking your word that this is what would make you happy and that this isn't just some immediate gratification that would wear off in six weeks and leave you wanting to spend the remaining £400 on fun as well. But so long as you know you're own mind and you genuinely would continue to get that pleasure from owning the car every month, I think it's your money. You seem to have met your commitments in terms of looking after your child and paying into your home so the rest is yours.
Of course a marriage is filled with "invisible" transactions. Does she feel she supports you in other ways which you're now ignoring or haven't 'paid back'? Do you have much in the way of savings? If not, I would suggest meeting half-way and putting aside a little longer so that you can demonstrate this loan commitment wouldn't cause big problems if your circumstances changed, etc. Has she or you had big problems getting out of debt before?
Life doesn't stop when you get married and a partnership shouldn't have just one person in charge of it. I would sit down and talk it through and make sure the following points are communicated:
1) The marriage and your daughter are your priority (I hope they are)
2) But that circumstances have changed and you as a couple are able to loosen up a little now and spend something on yourselves. That you're able to meet your commitments to your family AND get something for yourselves.
3) That everybody has different interests and although we may not always relate to what other people enjoy, we can still accept that it is something they really care about.
4) That you wanting to buy a car is NOT you not caring about your family's financial security, but you believing that buying the car isn't a risk to that.
#4 is probably the real point of argument. She likely believes the former and you need her to know that it's the latter (I hope this is the case). If the problem is the former, then show her it's the latter. If she can raise credible concerns to the latter however, listen to her.
5) You love them both but you still want to enjoy life a little and that's normal. There are a lot worse that husbands do. It's not a gambling problem, it's not a drinking problem, it's just a tired of driving a crappy car problem.
Finally, rent or watch The Fantastic Mr. Fox one evening with her and your daughter. You both sound like the main couple in that film:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Fantastic-...71245594&sr=8-3&keywords=the+fantastic+mr+fox
Of course you could just be an irresponsible idiot who cares more about cars than your marriage. However, I'm hoping that's not the case.
If your disposable income is £600 after paying everything off and you're already over-paying your mortgage and putting into savings, then allocating £200 per month of that excess to enjoy life is not unreasonable, imo.
Of course I'm taking your word that this is what would make you happy and that this isn't just some immediate gratification that would wear off in six weeks and leave you wanting to spend the remaining £400 on fun as well. But so long as you know you're own mind and you genuinely would continue to get that pleasure from owning the car every month, I think it's your money. You seem to have met your commitments in terms of looking after your child and paying into your home so the rest is yours.
Of course a marriage is filled with "invisible" transactions. Does she feel she supports you in other ways which you're now ignoring or haven't 'paid back'? Do you have much in the way of savings? If not, I would suggest meeting half-way and putting aside a little longer so that you can demonstrate this loan commitment wouldn't cause big problems if your circumstances changed, etc. Has she or you had big problems getting out of debt before?
Life doesn't stop when you get married and a partnership shouldn't have just one person in charge of it. I would sit down and talk it through and make sure the following points are communicated:
1) The marriage and your daughter are your priority (I hope they are)
2) But that circumstances have changed and you as a couple are able to loosen up a little now and spend something on yourselves. That you're able to meet your commitments to your family AND get something for yourselves.
3) That everybody has different interests and although we may not always relate to what other people enjoy, we can still accept that it is something they really care about.
4) That you wanting to buy a car is NOT you not caring about your family's financial security, but you believing that buying the car isn't a risk to that.
#4 is probably the real point of argument. She likely believes the former and you need her to know that it's the latter (I hope this is the case). If the problem is the former, then show her it's the latter. If she can raise credible concerns to the latter however, listen to her.
5) You love them both but you still want to enjoy life a little and that's normal. There are a lot worse that husbands do. It's not a gambling problem, it's not a drinking problem, it's just a tired of driving a crappy car problem.
Finally, rent or watch The Fantastic Mr. Fox one evening with her and your daughter. You both sound like the main couple in that film:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Fantastic-...71245594&sr=8-3&keywords=the+fantastic+mr+fox
Of course you could just be an irresponsible idiot who cares more about cars than your marriage. However, I'm hoping that's not the case.
Last edited:
Caporegime
- Joined
- 30 Jul 2013
- Posts
- 30,156
You are on the verge of divorcing and leaving your own daughter because your wife doesn't want you spending silly money on a 20k car that has 5 doors.
Get your priorities straight and get something 1/3rd of the price, if you must change your car to a 5 door.
Get your priorities straight and get something 1/3rd of the price, if you must change your car to a 5 door.
Deleted member 66701
Deleted member 66701
He's not talking about spending £200 a month to enjoy life - he's talking about spending £200 a month on a 1 Series BMW!
He's not talking about spending £200 a month to enjoy life - he's talking about spending £200 a month on a 1 Series BMW!
Well, as I said, everybody has their own way of enjoying life. As I relate to very few of them, I've generally adopted a philosophy of just treating "I enjoy X" as an arbitrary thing and putting most X's as equivalents as most of them are equally impenetrable to me.
Soldato
- Joined
- 13 Sep 2005
- Posts
- 4,441
I'm in a similar position with a 10 week old baby but with a little more disposable income. I'd toyed with the idea of getting a runabout Vespa which would have cost me around £136 per month for 2 years. My current car loan will be paid off in Nov so it was tempting.
I ultimately decided that it was a financial burden I didn't want and was better put towards holidays, savings, upcoming expenses like the next car seat up etc.
Life shouldn't stop being 'fun' when you are married with commitments, but you have to weigh up these decisions and decide for yourself whether that new 'toy' will really be worth it.
Life is the constant pursuit of temporary desires.
I ultimately decided that it was a financial burden I didn't want and was better put towards holidays, savings, upcoming expenses like the next car seat up etc.
Life shouldn't stop being 'fun' when you are married with commitments, but you have to weigh up these decisions and decide for yourself whether that new 'toy' will really be worth it.
Life is the constant pursuit of temporary desires.
Soldato
- Joined
- 30 Sep 2005
- Posts
- 16,831
could be worse OP, you could be earning 4 times what your wife is, have £1,500 disposable income to play with.....but have it all disappear into a black hole and wonder where life went wrong.