conversation, how?

FoxEye said:
there are bars, how nice they are I do not know, since I haven't been in them :p
Click to expand...

haha good point. you said you had mates, who are now married, what were you like with them before they got hitched? have you always struggled to hold conversations, or is it a relatively new thing due to something knocking your confidence?
 
Just fake it that's what I do, I generally find it hard to listen to anyone irl that isn't talking about a common interest or hobby but I still find it's a good idea to practice mundane chit chat with people though, sometimes I'll fake interest with someone for so long that eventually I get to know them and become 'actually' interested in them, it's rare but it happens from time to time :p

The thing with me is and I don't know if this is to do with my aspergers but I never really leant how to develop adult friendships very well, I just want to play with my friends like we did when we was young, it was much easer when you was younger, "you like ____?", "yeah", "sweet, lets be friends" and so it went, adults are so complicated and come with so much baggage, it's hard to find people that are really into hobbies as an adult, I guess many just grow up, get married, have kids etc, I don't begrudge them that, their priorities change, but I wants to play hide and seek still :o:(
 
paradisiac said:
haha good point. you said you had mates, who are now married, what were you like with them before they got hitched? have you always struggled to hold conversations, or is it a relatively new thing due to something knocking your confidence?
Click to expand...

nope. the way I am now I've been like since... junior school. hmm that is odd. i don't really ever think about my childhood, but it occurs to me I always had problems mixing with other kids, for as long as I can remember, and was always shy and self conscious right from the start.

i'm dredging up memories of things that happened 25 year ago now.

anyway, i had a couple good friends at uni, but still didn't go out much. never really liked clubbing and that's what everyone does at uni. much preferred a nice quiet restaurant to an overly loud, hot club. maybe i'd feel differently had I been one of the guys getting off with the girls, but I never was :p

so yeah. sheesh. i can't remember when this all started, but I've been this way so long I consider it part of who I am...
 
An easy way to get over your eye contact woes is to just do it all the time.

When you're walking down the street just look into the persons eyes who is walking the other way. 3 seconds and its over.

Just give a friendly smile and a soft look you will realise how easy it is and how much of a big deal you're making out of nothing. A smile and eye contact from the opposite sex just in passing can brighten your day just like that.

Do it for everyone for a week and I promise you your 'issue' will be resolved

As Malt_Vinegar says it is probably down to you not listening/caring what the other person has to say.

Happens to me but then I realise I'm doing it. Normally when people are moaning about something or their stories just aren't engaging.
It is really rude not looking at someone they're talking to you, even if you don't care about what they're talking about.

 
FoxEye said:
nope. the way I am now I've been like since... junior school. hmm that is odd. i don't really ever think about my childhood, but it occurs to me I always had problems mixing with other kids, for as long as I can remember, and was always shy and self conscious right from the start.

i'm dredging up memories of things that happened 25 year ago now.

anyway, i had a couple good friends at uni, but still didn't go out much. never really liked clubbing and that's what everyone does at uni. much preferred a nice quiet restaurant to an overly loud, hot club. maybe i'd feel differently had I been one of the guys getting off with the girls, but I never was :p

so yeah. sheesh. i can't remember when this all started, but I've been this way so long I consider it part of who I am...
Click to expand...

that's not good, never let yourself get into a bad cycle. I think you should set yourself a target of picking someone at work you think you can relate to most, and expand on a simple statement and leave. follow it up with something topical or even just ask them how their day is going.

like I said in a previous thread, if you or any other members from Cornwall want to meet up and do something, then im more than happy. I need to start getting my social life back on track too.
 
Hey dude, I feel for you, it can't be easy.

I'm very 50:50 with stuff like this, I can think of nothing better than having half a dozen or so friends around for lulz but in a situation where I have to be 'normal' in front of people (first day in a new job for example) I'm terrible.

One of the things I dislike most is small talk with a hairdresser or person at a checkout. I mean I can do it, and do so with good humour and smiles, but inside I cringe my teets off at the awkwardness of it :p

My issue is my sense of humour, I either filter it right off, and come across as a mundane pleb, or let it fly, in which case I say whatever I'm thinking and tend to put my foot in it. A happy medium is hard to reach :p

The blank mind thing is a difficult one, it's a challenge to overcome things if that is your natural mental response to the situation, but you'll have to recondition it. Hell, carry a clipboard with prompts like a weirdo or wear a t-shirt that saids 'Loading.. Please wait' Then if people wonder why you've gone quiet, just point at the t-shirt...
 
Clov!s said:
Don't you ever initiate it?

If I'm sat on a bench somewhere or in a shop, I'll always say something to start the conversation, is that weird? Lol
Click to expand...

if there looks like an opening I will initiate it, but what I have learnt from my time in this part of Cornwall, people are just as likely to mug you, as they are to reply to your polite hello.

I find when I get a new job or something I just seem to fit in, doesn't seem to be a lot of effort on my part. I don't know if that because with age I have cared less what people think, or whether I am more comfortable with who I am.
 
It sounds like you're trying to address the symptoms instead of the cause of the problem.

I dunno, I've never found it hard to talk to people, I can talk to anyone and can have conversations with strangers if I find myself in that situation quite easily, despite the fact that I am "introverted", but that's completely by choice, I just prefer introversion. I suppose you could say I'm an intervened extrovert. :p
 
Get drunk and vomit on them, if you can't talk to them, have them talk about you. Same net result tbh.
 
paradisiac said:
I will talk to anyone if they initiate the conversation.
Click to expand...

Here's a story from work today. It's a boring story, but it explains a lot.

I was in an office looking at a printer. In said office was a very good looking girl, probably a fair bit younger than me, mind.

She tried to talk to me a couple times. First thing she said was "you look so bored!" I replied (kinda sarcastically but not in a nasty way) that printers were my favourite things. That was the end of the exchange.

This happened a couple times, each time the girl would say random things to me, mostly just observations about what I was doing, but I couldn't use that to start a conversation.

Then later on another of the IT guys comes in an immediately starts laughing and joking with everyone in the office. Completely natural, everyone had a good laugh. Or at least pretended to ;) Even then, I was worrying so hard about looking like a dork that I completely missed all the jokes, and did end up looking like a humourless dork.

This wasn't lack of effort. I was wracking my brain for something to say pretty much the whole time I was there, but nothing bubbled up ready to be said.

Of course, when I left the office I replayed the conversation in my head, and ended up thinking of a better response. Waaay to late.
 
FoxEye said:
Here's a story from work today. It's a boring story, but it explains a lot.

I was in an office looking at a printer. In said office was a very good looking girl, probably a fair bit younger than me, mind.

She tried to talk to me a couple times. First thing she said was "you look so bored!" I replied (kinda sarcastically but not in a nasty way) that printers were my favourite things. That was the end of the exchange.

This happened a couple times, each time the girl would say random things to me, mostly just observations about what I was doing, but I couldn't use that to start a conversation.

Then later on another of the IT guys comes in an immediately starts laughing and joking with everyone in the office. Completely natural, everyone had a good laugh. Or at least pretended to ;) Even then, I was worrying so hard about looking like a dork that I completely missed all the jokes, and did end up looking like a humourless dork.

This wasn't lack of effort. I was wracking my brain for something to say pretty much the whole time I was there, but nothing bubbled up ready to be said.

Of course, when I left the office I replayed the conversation in my head, and ended up thinking of a better response. Waaay to late.
Click to expand...

that's because you are over thinking the situation. we all do it from time to time, you just seemed to of got in a bad habit.
was it the same girl that kept coming up to you? if so, then what you should be thinking is 'if she keeps coming back, then she obviously doesn't think too badly of me' and relaxed, as she clearly isn't judging you in any way.
if it was different people coming up to you, then they obviously aren't spreading it around you are a bad person and putting people off talking to you, therefore, they are not judging you so you need to get that idea out of your head and relax.
 
FoxEye said:
firstly: this is not an emo thread! yeah I know I've made a few of those...

anyway, put two people together, and most of the time they can talk for hours... it seems effortless when I watch other people talking. people can make a joke out of anything, have a laugh, and this helps them to break the ice & relax.

now i'm not saying I can't have a conversation but... (yeah, actually I can't have a conversation, that's exactly what i'm saying :p)

i'll tell you why. when people talk to me, my mind goes instantly blank. And I don't mean I can't think of anything funny or witty to say... I mean, it's 100% empty. As a result, all my replies are "really?" "yeah?" "oh" "OK" "wow" and other single word responses.

and all the while in my head I'm conscious of the fact that i'm a terrible conversationalist, and that the other person is fishing for some kind of intelligent response, and trying to keep the conversation going single-handedly.

at some point, naturally, they give up. then awkward silence. then... they talk to someone else.

practice makes perfect, yeah I've heard that a zillion times. but i've been trying my whole life to say more than a couple words, and there's just this all-pervading mental blankness. it's like a black hole into which all the thoughts in my head get absorbed. and it's been that way since I can remember, even as a child.

do you think hypnosis or some kind of shock therapy might help? there's got to be something I can do about this.
Click to expand...

your thinknig too much about how to answer rather than listening to what they say and just comming out with stuff. join a dating site, sleeze on some people and you'll soon find your way with words ;)
 
It's not about the art of conversation it's about the art of listening, The real trick is to listen whilst taking there clothes off.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom