conversation, how?

paradisiac · 13 Jul 2012 at 17:26

FoxEye said:
Only with the people I already know (in my team). I still don't "get" how to talk to strangers.

well talking to your team is good. are any of your team people you would mix with outside of work?

just think of strangers as being part of your team. people are just people at the end of the day. plus, if you talk to a real stranger (someone in a pub or something) then chances are, if it all goes wrong, you will never see them again anyway. if it goes well, potential new friend.

hopeful_builder · 13 Jul 2012 at 21:50

FoxEye said:
the crucial difference between here and in person is

a) not real time
b) can erase my post and re-write before clicking "post reply"
c) no body language to worry about
d) no need for eye contact (i find that hard)

A good solution to D mate - look at their nose. The very tip of their nose. and they wont have any idea your not looking into their eyes

FoxEye · 15 Jul 2012 at 21:16

Malt_Vinegar said:
You sound like you just dont care enough about the people you are talking to, to properly listen.

After thinking about it, I'm reluctantly coming to the conclusion that this is correct.

For some years now I've stopped caring about other people. This is bad.

I doubt many people here will be able to relate to my situation now. How the hell am I supposed to start caring about people again... really, properly caring and not just going through the motions or pretending.

Again, this is bad.

paradisiac · 15 Jul 2012 at 22:47

FoxEye said:
After thinking about it, I'm reluctantly coming to the conclusion that this is correct.

For some years now I've stopped caring about other people. This is bad.

I doubt many people here will be able to relate to my situation now. How the hell am I supposed to start caring about people again... really, properly caring and not just going through the motions or pretending.

Again, this is bad.

by finding like minded people with similar interests. even if you are not interested in the person, you will be interested in the topic of conversation and this will build the rest up.

fez · 16 Jul 2012 at 00:30

paradisiac said:
by finding like minded people with similar interests. even if you are not interested in the person, you will be interested in the topic of conversation and this will build the rest up.

Its not always that simple. Its a little like the episode of Red Dwarf where Rimmer thinks that having 2 of himself will be the best thing ever as you both have the same interests etc, like to talk about the same things but the reality is that in a lot of cases, 2 people with very similar interests will already know what the other one will say on a given subject. You have to have something that is more subjective than objective.

Personally, I just don't find people that interesting compared to the billions of things we have in the world to explore and learn about. Why on earth would I want to talk about cars or my holiday when I could be reading about something genuinely interesting.

I have never had a problem talking to people, making friends and I have got where I am now in some wasy because people seem to like me which makes it easier to get a job etc. If it bothers you that you are not a good conversationalist then good luck making the changes but I think you need to be honest with yourself and consider the fact that maybe people don't interest you that much.

Listening to other people talk for hours (especially women) gives me an overwhelming urge to join a monastery that takes the vow of silence. Some people love to talk and get very depressed when they don't see friends for even a few days and others can go weeks on their own with no issues.

I love seeing my friends and family but I enjoy it a hell of a lot more if I haven't seen them for a while. I don't feel like I'm the strange one when I don't get particularly excited about inane chit chat. Why is it so great to go on a night out and talk the whole time about that one night out where we got soooo wrecked we did x y and x.

The number of people I know that are always out, will always go out if invited and think of themselves as social creatures is amazing and yet there are a good few that you never ever feel are having a great time and they seem to just sit on the periphery of the group quietly till the night is over.

Its almost like social convention dictates that if you wish to have a good time, you must go out with a group of people or you are considered odd. These are the people that are always first to jump at the opportunity of a night out and yet it almost seems like they were more excited about the idea than when they are actually out and about.

mattyprice4004 · 16 Jul 2012 at 13:30

I think you're broken.

oulton · 16 Jul 2012 at 14:00

call the samaritans, or maybe go to a few hypnotherapy sessions?

paradisiac · 16 Jul 2012 at 14:07

or just go out and meet people.

Kosmiche · 16 Jul 2012 at 14:13

You just have to keep it simple, it doesn't have to be the best conversation with perfectly thought out queries.

Just begin simply with "How are you?", they will say something thats commentable and then you just keep going.

If you think thats tedious you could try saying something topical "What do you think of the Olympics security situation?" but people often find that sort of line annoying, too assumptive of their knowledge/intelligence etc.

elmarko · 16 Jul 2012 at 14:36

I'm one of those people who doesn't really need social contact that much - all my hobbies I can do alone.

I yearn for time alone & find most people not worth socialising with, I'll be polite & sociable on the surface but I tend to secretly find most people incredibly stupid, dull & boring.

Strangely this lack of social need seems to make it much easier getting girls (been single for about 6 months since the age of 14 lol).

spacedskunk · 16 Jul 2012 at 14:55

FoxEye said:
After thinking about it, I'm reluctantly coming to the conclusion that this is correct.

For some years now I've stopped caring about other people. This is bad.

I doubt many people here will be able to relate to my situation now. How the hell am I supposed to start caring about people again... really, properly caring and not just going through the motions or pretending.

Again, this is bad.

Have you spoken to anyone in person about this?

paradisiac · 16 Jul 2012 at 14:57

elmarko1234 said:
I'm one of those people who doesn't really need social contact that much - all my hobbies I can do alone.

I yearn for time alone & find most people not worth socialising with, I'll be polite & sociable on the surface but I tend to secretly find most people incredibly stupid, dull & boring.

Strangely this lack of social need seems to make it much easier getting girls (been single for about 6 months since the age of 14 lol).

man I wish I was that lucky

I don't need social interaction, people do tend to annoy me after a while, although I can smile politely and still hold conversation with them. but what I do need, well want more than need, is interaction with a female. im not a good single person, I work better as a couple

unfortunately, in my old age the things I enjoy doing don't tend to get you to meet women, so destined to be single for a while longer yet

FoxEye · 17 Jul 2012 at 01:04

paradisiac said:
man I wish I was that lucky I don't need social interaction, people do tend to annoy me after a while, although I can smile politely and still hold conversation with them. but what I do need, well want more than need, is interaction with a female. im not a good single person, I work better as a couple unfortunately, in my old age the things I enjoy doing don't tend to get you to meet women, so destined to be single for a while longer yet

I keep reading that women can sense "needy" men and will run a mile from them.

I'm beginning to get **** off with the whole thing. Us guys have got to be not too hot, not too cold, just right. We have to do the initiating. We have to lead the conversations. We have to be "fun" and we have to anticipate when the time is right to make a move (or something).

What do the girls have to do? Nothing, as it happens. Look as nice as poss and just wait for the confident guys to come along and chat them up.

And the cure for the not confident guys is to get confidence. By doing things they aren't confident doing, until they're confident.

It's like the worst circular reasoning I've ever seen.

Pate · 17 Jul 2012 at 01:08

FoxEye said:
I keep reading that women can sense "needy" men and will run a mile from them.

I'm beginning to get **** off with the whole thing. Us guys have got to be not too hot, not too cold, just right. We have to do the initiating. We have to lead the conversations. We have to be "fun" and we have to anticipate when the time is right to make a move (or something).

What do the girls have to do? Nothing, as it happens. Look as nice as poss and just wait for the confident guys to come along and chat them up.

And the cure for the not confident guys is to get confidence. By doing things they aren't confident doing, until they're confident.

It's like the worst circular reasoning I've ever seen.

Depends if you're going to rise above it.

The lady I'm seeing is a challenge, and I'm a challenge for her. I'm certainly not just interested in looks, I like ambition, humour, intelligence, fighting spirit, loyalty, dedication etc.

Someone being pretty isn't going to do more than give me an awkward boner.

paradisiac · 17 Jul 2012 at 01:10

FoxEye said:
I keep reading that women can sense "needy" men and will run a mile from them.

I'm beginning to get **** off with the whole thing. Us guys have got to be not too hot, not too cold, just right. We have to do the initiating. We have to lead the conversations. We have to be "fun" and we have to anticipate when the time is right to make a move (or something).

What do the girls have to do? Nothing, as it happens. Look as nice as poss and just wait for the confident guys to come along and chat them up.

And the cure for the not confident guys is to get confidence. By doing things they aren't confident doing, until they're confident.

It's like the worst circular reasoning I've ever seen.

I come across as needy with the whole online dating thing as I panic. face to face I just come across as confident (well I did 7-10 years ago when I last did the whole dating thing). my last girlfriend before my ex wife, I met on a forum, next day met her in town, had a few laughs and planted a kiss on her in macdonalds out of nowhere. damn I miss those days.

FoxEye · 17 Jul 2012 at 01:19

Since we're talking about dating, the situation I most feared has come about... a girl has suggested we should meet up for a coffee.

90% of the voices in my head scream "don't do it!"
10% shrug their shoulders and say "well why not?"

Trouble is I've pre-judged the outcome. We'll meet, she'll find me incredibly boring, and that'll be that.

If only I could stop being such a pessimist

paradisiac · 17 Jul 2012 at 01:21

FoxEye said:
Since we're talking about dating, the situation I most feared has come about... a girl has suggested we should meet up for a coffee.

90% of the voices in my head scream "don't do it!"
10% shrug their shoulders and say "well why not?"

Trouble is I've pre-judged the outcome. We'll meet, she'll find me incredibly boring, and that'll be that.

If only I could stop being such a pessimist

meh, that means it cant really go any worse, so whats to lose?

Ahleckz · 17 Jul 2012 at 01:22

As I've said earlier, don't be so pathetic. Just go, be yourself. Have fun. Enjoy the time. If it's good, great. If it's not, then it's not. At least you did it.

I said in another thread, and I'll echo it here. It's not what you do, it's what you don't do that you'll regret!

paradisiac · 17 Jul 2012 at 01:26

Ahleckz said:
As I've said earlier, don't be so pathetic. Just go, be yourself. Have fun. Enjoy the time. If it's good, great. If it's not, then it's not. At least you did it.

I said in another thread, and I'll echo it here. It's not what you do, it's what you don't do that you'll regret!

This, just this.

Do the simple thing in your head of what could be worse :

A) Imagine it going bad and finding excuses not to go

B) Going, getting on with the girl and ending up with a new girlfriend

C) Going, finding out it went the way you played it in your head, but you have notched up a night out with someone new to add to you little confidence building.

D) Going, getting on with the girl but having no spark and ending up with a new friend, or just a pleasant experience that not everything has to go wrong.

FoxEye · 20 Jul 2012 at 22:51

This is waaay to stressful. right now I just want to de-list my self from that site and forget the whole thing.

I have absolutely nothing to say to these girls, and trying to force myself to talk to them is just stressing me out and making me miserable.

I just have nothing to say. It's that simple.

They give me their phone numbers but I don't call, because I have nothing to say.

WTF am I doing this for.