coping with losing someone

garyfl

garyfl

garyfl

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Joined
26 Jun 2010
Posts
2,118
Location
west yorkshire.
i really dont know why i do this every time i feel the need to, but i find writing to complete strangers with their own thoughts and feelings comforts me, it makes me realise i am not alone.

as some of you might know my dads terminally ill, he was diagnosed in august 2009 but was suspected may to have cancer, it was stage 5 cortical adrenal cancer, very very care and only 1 in 5 million get this cancer if i believe im right. the primary was in his adrenal glands, it had metastasised to his neck, lung, stomach and back.

he battled and battled and they gave him 3 months, told him to enjoy christmas and everything beyond was a bonus. he kicked it in the balls though, went on a trial and everything shrunk by 50%.

unforutunately in the past year his heart wasnt strong enough to cope with the one chemo we think was doing all the work (drrubicin?) he was also on mitotane too. so he had to stop those, hes slowly deteriorated but kept up his spirits, and fought and fought and fought. hes cracked jokes and smiled and been a brave little man.

a few weeks ago he fell ill, and he had a scan, we were awaiting a drugs trial at the end of march, bleeding in his stomach etc. unfortunately, the cancer had spread to his bones and liver, the later stages of this kind of disease, hes had some radiotherapy but sadly its spread to his ribs, chest, kidneys, pelvis, back and spine. because of his ulcers in his stomach they cant give him steroids, and are very limited with pain relief, hes ofiicially on morphine and ketamine.

got a call this morning, hes got a few days left and hes not going to make it, i dont think its hit me yet but i have to stay strong for the family.

i just wondered if anyone could give any words of comfort, it really does hurt.

im sorry for writing this thread or bringing down someones day, i just felt i had to get this off my chest and as i visit this board everyday, i thought it was a good thing to do.
 
I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now, it must be incredibly hard for you. My advice would be to spend as much time with him as you can and say all the things that you've ever wanted to say to him. Let him know how much he is loved and cared about.

Once he finally does pass away, you can then celebrate his life knowing that you got everything off of your chest and he got everything off of his.

Ultimately, don't be afraid to cry. It doesn't make you any less of a man.

My thoughts are with you. :)
 
MissileMoose said:
I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now, it must be incredibly hard for you. My advice would be to spend as much time with him as you can and say all the things that you've ever wanted to say to him. Let him know how much he is loved and cared about.

Once he finally does pass away, you can then celebrate his life knowing that you got everything off of your chest and he got everything off of his.

Ultimately, don't be afraid to cry. It doesn't make you any less of a man.

My thoughts are with you. :)
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this is the hardest part, im babysitting the siblings otherwise mum wouldnt be able to be there for him til the end, so im finding it hard knowing i may never see him again, i just want to tell him im sorry for being stubborn and that i love him
 
garyfl said:
this is the hardest part, im babysitting the siblings otherwise mum wouldnt be able to be there for him til the end, so im finding it hard knowing i may never see him again, i just want to tell him im sorry for being stubborn and that i love him
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Surely it's possible for you to make some arrangements to visit him? Could you pay for a babysitter or even take your siblings to the hospital and have your mother look after them while you spend some time with your father? :(
 
the sad thing is, we dont know anyone, i live with mum dad and 2 young kids, brother and sister, so they have to be looked after so that mum can be with dad. in the situation im in there is absolutely nothing i can do its so sad
 
So sorry to hear this OP :(. Is there absolutely no babysitters for hire in your area? Or anywhere that can look after then for a couple of hours?
 
garyfl said:
this is the hardest part, im babysitting the siblings otherwise mum wouldnt be able to be there for him til the end, so im finding it hard knowing i may never see him again, i just want to tell him im sorry for being stubborn and that i love him
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Im sorry to hear what you are going through my thoughts are with you and your family.
Im positive he knows that you love him and i know you need to look after your siblings but dont you have any other family members who can look after them for just one day so you can say what you want to him while you can? i think that would be something that would help you when the inevitable comes....,i've never been in a position like this so cant give any advice on coping other than life must go on and you need to allow yourself to greive,keeping it all inside is the worst thing you could do as its going to come out later anyway.

My dad has dementia and the typical lifespan of somebody with his particular type is 5 years after being diagnosed,he's already had it 5 years but he's younger than most people who normaly get it(still in his 50's) so thats why he's lasting longer than most i reckon but the thing is he's already lost his personality and isnt the same guy i used to know so its like i've already lost him before he's physicly gone and the worst part is we didnt get along well when he was younger because he had undiagnosed paranoid schizophrenia that wrecked the family life and i didnt get a chance to know him properly as he got this disease soon after he went on medication.

All we can do in these situations is try our best to be strong for the ones who need us. I dont know what else to say,just keep on keeping on,things will sort themselves out,they say time is a healer.
 
It really sucks OP, it doesn't really hit home until they're gone. Worst feeling in the world.
 
you cope because you have to, what else can you do?

you'll feel incredibly low and the hardest thing i found was the reality of simply never having them in the same room as me again, seeing their face and hearing their voice.

time and memories get you through but the bottom line is, life is for living, he'd want you to live your life and that's what you need to do.
 
If you have absolutely no way of getting there to see him (won't your mum even let you have an hour with him?) then write it down and get your mum to take it there for him?
 
its hard because it could happen at any minute and mum dosent want to leave his side. its not just me who wont get to see him its the kids too and its such a bloody shame, theres so much i want to say.

hes heavily sedated and isnt awake so.
 
How old are your siblings? Is there no way you could take them to be with your dad, or are they too young? I know that hospitals generally have a policy about the number of people to a bed in ICU but my granddad died in ICU a couple of years ago and when it really was the end, the hospital let that slide. There were about 8 of us around his bed at the very end.

My thoughts are with you xx
 
lad at 14 and little girl at 9, its a lot for them to cope with, charlotte dosent understand whats going on and thinks hes going to get better
 
I found the saddest thing about losing my father was how it affected my mum, me and my brothers coped well I think for the ages that we were at. There are a lot of things I wish I could ask my dad now but I am without his wisdom. Make sure you say to him everything that you want to if you haven't already. If you have siblings, you need to help each other out. But this is my opinion, you should do what you are comfortable with in this fragile situation, good luck and my thoughts are with you and anybody else who has endured this emotional torture with family, friends, and even pets.
 
So sorry to hear that :( I can sympathise sadly. my dad was diagnosed with bladder cancer last January, a cancer that's curable but having to wait 8 months for his treatment meant the cancer could take control and as the year went by he deteriorated considerably. Just when we were given hope it was snatched from us again and again.

I haven't read all of the posts as I'm using my phone but if you can try to see him as much as possible I would. Even though he's sedated he will still hear you. My dad had pneumonia before the end and was in a disturbed sleep so had to be sedated too. We saw him every day and just chatted as normal and told him we loved him.

My brother held off seeing him but eventually did a couple of days before. One of my sisters travelled down and Im sure he was waiting for her because he reacted when he heard her voice. The following morning he passed away.

It's hard to know how to cope but there is no right or wrong. I thought I had prepared myself but I hadn't. And as all people will say things get better with time. I still have occasions where I think of my dad and it suddenly hits me again but I try to just remember the happy times we had and I'm glad I saw him in his final days.

Try not to bottle up your feelings as I did that and it really did just make things worse. Once again I am so sorry. Cancer is such an evil disease and I really pray that one day there will be a cure for all of it.

Regarding your siblings if they don't wish to visit but can't be looked after is there not a "lounge" area at the hospital where they could wait while you saw him? I believe they generally have one in each ward.

If you ever need to talk email is in trust.
 
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If you can't take them with you to the hospital I would get there tomorrow while they're at school (if they're going at the moment) and spend as long there as you can with your dad.
 
Sorry to hear this :( I can't begin to understand what you're going through. Life throws up some cruel challenges.

Take care.
 
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