coping with losing someone

Whereabouts in WY are you Gary? If you're near me, and there's anything I can do, please shout. Honestly, I'm a primary school teacher, I'm legit, if you're anywhere near me then I can sit with your brother and sister while you go in to see your dad - don't know if that's an inappropriate thing to offer but I would do it if that's your only sticking point.
 
Dont take this wrong but it makes me angry you have accepted it like this.

My dad died in the space of 3 hours out of the blue.. One minute he was complaining he didn't feel well. Then we called an ambulance and by the time i had got my **** together and got to the hospital about 1h later he was gone.

Do yourself a favour and sort it out and go and see him... You will deal with it.. Its not the end of the world even if it seems like it you have a family that's more than i ever had. Dont hide and make excuses.
 
Hard time for you mate. Been there myself and was the worst time ever!

Lost my mum and my dad had cancer at the time. He passed away 1 year and 2weeks after my mum! He died in my arms and was hell. Went through really bad depression at the time (8years ago) and still on meds!

What helped me was going back to church again as i lapsed for 20+ years. Really helped me a lot

Just try and be there as much as you can for your dad. Time is a healer.
 
Get down that hospital as soon as you can. Take the kids with you or take up vicisthebest's offer of looking after them. No disrespect but it's pathetic that you're accepting it. If you don't visit him and he passes, you'll definitely 1000 million % look back and think "what the bloody hell was i thinking, why didn't i go see him. Don't put yourself in that situation. Put yourself in the situation where you can say "i was there" It's so so easy to arrange when you really think about it.

Honestly, right now i've had a tear in my eye and my bottom lip has been trembling reading the posts with the thought of my parents passing. CM1179's post hit me hard when he said

cm1179 said:
the hardest thing i found was the reality of simply never having them in the same room as me again, seeing their face and hearing their voice.
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My grandma passed away 5hrs ago :( I went to see her for 3 hrs, said everything I wanted to say, played some of her favorite songs to her and said my goodbyes and an hour after I left I got a phone call saying she had passed away. I am glad I got a few more hours with her so you NEED to go see your dad mate before it's too late.
 
Make sure you see him, as others have said.

I lost my granddad to heart failure late last year, he was in and out of hospital for 9 months but it was still quite a shock when he passed away. He was delirious and away with the fairies due to a mixture of side effects from drugs and also the amount of crap in his blood from poor kidney function.

My brother and I came to terms with not having OUR grandfather anymore. We'd prepared ourselves somewhat. But that's not to say it didn't hurt any less.

Then the catastrophe happened. My granddad passed away when my mum and dad were in Kenya on holiday. The very next day my dad went snorkling and had a second heart attack, fifteen years after his first. I'm told he went out into the sea, and then twenty minutes later people were shouting and pulling him out of the water, and was pronounced dead. What hurt me the most was not being able to talk to him before he died, to get more of his wisdom and to be honest just tell him I loved him. That's what you'll regret if you don't go.

Grief is a ****ing crap. Everyone goes through it differently, and every case is totally different because of the different relationships between families and friends. If there's one piece of advice I can give you, you'll find that you can pysche yourself up for the big things, but it's the small things that trip you up. For me, not having him at home in the evenings was tough, but the hour long drive to go fishing on the south coast like we did every month, really hit me.

I really feel for you mate, and your family. Check out grief councelling near you, often free if it's NHS. My mum does it for a living (ironic huh? started her job about 6 months before losing her dad and husband in the space of two days). It really helps people, but whether or not it's for you (blokes usually don't want to do it) is down to your own preference.

Good luck with everything that's going to happen. Like others have said, if you want a chat or any advice, just drop me a PM or whatever.
 
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I read some posts, not all, whatever you do don't "protect" the kids from seeing their dad, life is tough and cruel in parts. Not letting them see their dad or say goodbye will do massively more harm than keeping them away long term.

Go to the hospital, take the kids, kick some nurses in the uterus if required. Most likely they will all, or some will be willing to help, will have a family room or someone who can sit with them for a bit so you can see your dad yourself for a bit.

it likely won't be great, for your or your younger siblings, but protecting people from pain like this usually just causes repressed pain that lasts much longer, with many more consequences. You clearly want to be with him, if the kids know it or not they want to be with him, if you mum knows it or not, keeping you all away is the worst thing for you, her, and your dad.


You often hear parents with things to say like "I don't want them to remember him like that", it almost sounds like a good idea, till you realise kids can imagine how bad he looks anyway, having no memory will only send the imagination into overdrive, and not being able to say good bye will do WAY more harm than seeing him sick in a hospital.

Parents always want to protect kids from harm, and generally come up with the worst way to do it, kids need less protection, they'll be much more visibly and outwardly upset than "hiding" them away, but otherwise they'd end up feeling that pain, inside, not expressing it and having it eat away at them for years, maybe forever.

Pain, better out than in basically.
 
I agree with DM. Your children need to be part of his passing, it will be rough but everyone needs to be a part of it. It's not just about the kids, your father will want to have all his loved ones with him.

Condolences and I'll be thinking of you and your family over the next few days.
 
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Firstly I'm Sorry to hear about your Dad & Wish Him, You & Your family all the best.

Secondly I can offer a little help in coping now & after as I have my own coping mechanism that works fairly well.
Basically when you lose somebody physically you don't lose them mentally & a part of them lives on inside you. As time goes on you grow accustom to carrying this person around with you & you take on the responsibility of living your own life to the full for Yourself & the person you have lost. :)
I hope that makes sense because if it does it will instantly make you feel better inside, Not perfect obviously & it won't take away the pain it just enables you to cope with it & bring something good out of a bad situation.

Good Luck to you All. :)
 
Your dad knows you love him and he does not care if you was an ass, your his son. You will cope with it and you will be the man of the family to help your mother, brother and sister through this.

Be strong, your dad needs you the most now.
 
garyfl said:
the sad thing is, we dont know anyone, i live with mum dad and 2 young kids, brother and sister, so they have to be looked after so that mum can be with dad. in the situation im in there is absolutely nothing i can do its so sad
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that sucks. you need to be able to say your goodbyes. surely you can get someone to take the kids for a couple of hours? in fact the kids all should see their dad. the mother should be able to handle this. after all, im sure your dad wants to see his family just as much (if not more, as i would) than his wife.

on the positive at least you get to say goodbye and stuff. so many people die early and you dont get to say goodbye to them and sort things out. things like this at least let you make your peace.

one of the problems being a man is that you are expected to do the stiff upper lip thing and stay strong for everyone around you. which can be hard sometimes.

my dad got parkinsons about 15 years ago and its been terrible seeing this clever, sharp, whitty and sporty man turn into an old shaking man with a stick and almost bent double with a knackered back. his face lights up when he sees my son (much more regularly now as we moved within 5 mins from mum and dad recently) but its such a shame that my son will never know the man i think of as dad. he cant even hold my son, which breaks his heart.
 
arch said:
If you have absolutely no way of getting there to see him (won't your mum even let you have an hour with him?) then write it down and get your mum to take it there for him?
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or do a video and get someone to show it to him on a laptop or something? you dont realise how things like this can make such a difference to people in these circumstances
 
Take the kids and get there by taxi. It only has to be for a short time. Even if he is asleep, give him a kiss and say what you have to. Do it because regret and guilt may stay with you for a long time to come if you don’t see him.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all. Stay strong. :)
 
If your father is in a large enough hospital there should be Macmillan Cancer Support services available in-house.
They will be able to give you and your family the immediate practical support you need.
Failing that, there will be a PALS office in the hospital that should be able to help you in a practical way even at this stage.
 
I have both my parents on this world still, this thread has really made me realise just how much I love them and how much I will miss them when they kick the bucket.

I am going give them both a ring and a nice chat tonight :)

Best of luck OP, you really have hit a soft spot mate, hope you stay strong.
 
if your siblings need extra care isnt there any places you can take them for a short time so you can get to see him, even if they have behavioural or mental issues. your mum really needs to think of all of you and not just her. cant the 14 year old be trusted to look after the 9 year old for a couple of hours or is the 14 year old the one that needs the most care?
 
hes not going to make it through today so were all going to see him to say goodbye, its hurting and im petrified but i need to do this, i know id never be able to forgive myself otherwise
 
garyfl said:
lad at 14 and little girl at 9, its a lot for them to cope with, charlotte dosent understand whats going on and thinks hes going to get better
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I took my little brother and sister of 6 and 7 years to see our mum in hospital during her last days battling with Cancer. She was in a terrible state and many of the family members freaked that it was the wrong thing for them but I insisted that they were given the choice and we did as the kids wanted. So they said yeah, they did want to see her and it was the best thing we did for them. They made her laugh and brightened up the room that was full of miserable mourning adults. I think they will thank me for that later in llife.
 
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