Divorcees - a question...

Demon said:
Just keep talking about it..

I also spiral in to this weird place were I think there is some omnipotent git up there just piling a ludicrous amount of bad luck on to see when I'll crack..

And you have a lot on your plate.. that's a lot to deal with.. I would however interpret 'normal' test results as intended and relax a bit until I've seen the GP.. they are the only ones who can give medical advice but the reason they immediately tell you 'normal' is to ease your mind (doesn't always work with me either!)..

The car is a pain because of the financials, but price up a battery, if that's not too bad then as we are in winter it's generally the battery giving up the ghost, but a local garage should be able to diagnose that very cheaply and my local garage can source/fit Yuasa batteries for the same price I can buy them.. it really depends on the car etc..

The heart thing is another pain, but on the flip side having a once over monitoring session is a useful insight and can rule out a lot of hidden stuff that can be easily treated, so definitely worth embracing IMO.
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Thanks for the advice mate. The car I have bought a new battery for, which arrived on Sunday, but not had the energy to fit and sort out yet. Hoping the alternator is fine as this saves me a lot of money.
 
Worthy said:
Sorry to hear you’re still going through the wringer. What led up to the suspected heart attack?
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Either, a shed tonne of stress... which would be expected given my year, or an undiagnosed heart condition. Waiting on GP/Hospital to arrange a 24hr ECG to try and capture anything.
 
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Sorry you are going through it and the world is just beating down. It can be tough but you are dealing with each thing as it comes.

As for her reason. You will never know. Even if she told you it probably wouldn’t be the full truth. I’ve heard so many different reasons I gave up as none of them match. They have to justify it to themselves.

The reality is they are unhappy. They blame us for that. They run. I see it as a lack of accountability and a disposable modern world where friends and the media promote a life that doesn’t exist and they chase it.

Never beat yourself up about the why. It’s not worth the thought processing time.

Here is hoping 2025 is so much better for all!
 
MouthBoy said:
I am not sure how to really word this, but how long did it take you to adjust after everything settled?

Just after Christmas my wife asked me for a divorce. I initially moved out to a friends house, bought a house and last week moved in. I thought I was doing fine (mentally speaking) but last week it all just hit me what had happened, and its hit hard.

We were together almost 15 years and married for almost 10. We have a daughter together too. I really thought I was going to be fine about it all, obviously upset, but god it has hit me this last week. My friends say all the stress of buying a house and then finally getting the keys, alongside all the divorce stuff and also my job being very full on right now probably just got to boiling point, and so it all hit me at once last week when I was physically exhausted moving in.

A good friend told me that I was not myself the last few months and everyone has been worried about me, checking on me all the time etc. I didn't notice at all until last week when its just like all my emotions, and this is the only way I can actually describe it, just turned back on. It is so painful. It is like I just blocked it all out, went on autopilot to get everything sorted, and now 99% of what needs to be sorted is sorted, my mind has turned autopilot off and I am dealing with it all.

I know I have a lot of challenges ahead of me, and I am thankful I have good people around me to help, but still - how long did it take you to adjust?

Does any of that even make sense? Sorry if it didn't. I don't usually make these sort of threads.
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I think the real problem is the massive change to your life. Not so much why, just what. An illustration of this is the way that people in abusive relationships actually go back. Better to have some partner and continue life, even if it's terrible, than have no partner and suffer massive upheaval. You need time to forget and time to make a new life. Every time you do something you once did with your partner, it's a reminder, and it's going to hurt. It's very similar to the death of close relative. It's the change that causes the problems.
Anyway, could take several years, I am afraid. You have to build a new life and anything that happens, like moving in to a new house, is going to set you back. But don't worry, you will get there. Time is the cure because it allows old memories to become less pressing than new memories.
 
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Thanks for all the replies here. All great advice and it is being taken on board. Hope everyone else is well as I know that when one person is vocal and upset, there is always another silent and suffering. Speak up if that is you!
 
MouthBoy said:
Sorry to resurrect my own thread, but I just thought I would give an update.

Since my last post a lot has happened and my head as royally be screwed with. I have had a cancer scare (prostate and/or bowel) and although tests have come back saying "normal" I am still to see my GP about these results. I have also been put up for redundancy at work, which was prime timing as I had just planned - within my current role - how to survive Christmas and the first 6 months of next year. My car has also decided that it no longer likes electricity and its either the battery and/or alternator have packed it in, which to resolve could be 4 figures that I do not really have. Then the icing on the cake, I was taken to hospital Sunday with a suspected heart attack...I am 37! They don't believe I did but they still want to arrange a 24hr heart monitor for any heart defects I may have which is a bit scary.

So, any further advice for someone who believes the world is utterly against him this year?
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Think of the positives mate, the heart and cancer checks seem to have come back okay. Your health is the most important thing. The heart check is probably them doing belt and braces to make sure you're healthy. If your blood pressure is high, make sure you have adequate medication. Jobs and cars can be replaced in time. Think of the things you enjoy in life.

I'll share my 'divorce story'. We weren't married but we have children and the house is in joint names, despite me paying for all of it and her paying none. Last week I went to court and she got an Occupation Order made against me. I haven't committed any crime against my ex, but I realise the court does not want to be responsible in case I am 1 of the 0.0001% of men who kills their partner. This means I can't ever go to the family home I paid for again. The court ruling stated I can't see my children who I was primary carer for or legally contact them without going through the family courts. Which I suspect will make it difficult for me to have a relationship with them. The house is on the market, but my Ex will not allow me to buy her out even though I offered her more money than the prospective buyer who she accepted from. She withdrew child access and would not go to mediation, so the court is my only chance of seeing my kids. She either sold or destroyed £10,000s of my personal property, the judge didn't really see this as a reason to give me access back into the house. Looking back she is a sadist with no empathy. However while we had problems at the time we were together I was charmed by her and admired her. I thought I just needed to work harder at the relationship.

To compound things I have a severe penis injury, which often gives me 9.5 out of 10 on the pain scale. An injury caused by I don't know what. Although it is possibly my psoriasis I have on the rest of my body. I have to wear a woman's skirt in order to not further damage myself which is embarrassing but the most barable option. I'm worried it might be cancer though. It's so agonisingly painful.

I have been very down over all of this. But overall I have happiness from spending time reading about things I'm interested in, my relationship with my parents and sister, spending time on forums like Overclockers, reading books and listening to youtube. My Ex probably think she's 'won'. But she's lost me caring for the kids, I did majority of it. Cooking for her and the kids, I did all of it. I actually provided research for her job. I helped her in so many ways. Life is actually far easier without looking after my ex and kids. I don't think I'll have another relationship, but that doesn't bother me too much now. I'm focused on trying to rebuild my relationship with my children through the courts.
 
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ANDREW GREEN said:
Think of the positives mate, the heart and cancer checks seem to have come back okay. Your health is the most important thing. The heart check is probably them doing belt and braces to make sure you're healthy. If your blood pressure is high, make sure you have adequate medication. Jobs and cars can be replaced in time. Think of the things you enjoy in life.

I'll share my 'divorce story'. We weren't married but we have children and the house is in joint names, despite me paying for all of it and her paying none. Last week I went to court and she got an Occupation Order made against me. I haven't committed any crime against my ex, but I realise the court does not want to be responsible in case I am 1 of the 0.0001% of men who kills their partner. This means I can't ever go to the family home I paid for again. The court ruling stated I can't see my children who I was primary carer for or legally contact them without going through the family courts. Which I suspect will make it difficult for me to have a relationship with them. The house is on the market, but my Ex will not allow me to buy her out even though I offered her more money than the prospective buyer who she accepted from. She withdrew child access and would not go to mediation, so the court is my only chance of seeing my kids. She either sold or destroyed £10,000s of my personal property, the judge didn't really see this as a reason to give me access back into the house. Looking back she is a sadist with no empathy. However while we had problems at the time we were together I was charmed by her and admired her. I thought I just needed to work harder at the relationship.

To compound things I have a severe penis injury, which often gives me 9.5 out of 10 on the pain scale. An injury caused by I don't know what. Although it is possibly my psoriasis I have on the rest of my body. I have to wear a woman's skirt in order to not further damage myself which is embarrassing but the most barable option. I'm worried it might be cancer though. It's so agonisingly painful.

I have been very down over all of this. But overall I have happiness from spending time reading about things I'm interested in, my relationship with my parents and sister, spending time on forums like Overclockers, reading books and listening to youtube. My Ex probably think she's 'won'. But she's lost me caring for the kids, I did majority of it. Cooking for her and the kids, I did all of it. I actually provided research for her job. I helped her in so many ways. Life is actually far easier without looking after my ex and kids. I don't think I'll have another relationship, but that doesn't bother me too much now. I'm focused on trying to rebuild my relationship with my children through the courts.
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Damn, it's not like you can just go and find solace in loose women as your penis has also taken a battering. Brutal :(.
 
Cant understand women who keep kids away from their fathers unless it is to protect them from known issues.

When i got divorced, the wife and i put our daughter first. No going to court etc. her wellbeing was very important.

Me and ex are good friends and, i have seen my daughter almost every single day since we got divorced approx 8 years ago.

I feel for those parents who cannot see their children. Its so cruel and especially for the kids.
 
Participant said:
Damn, it's not like you can just go and find solace in loose women as your penis has also taken a battering. Brutal :(.
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Haha, I don't think I was having any luck with that type of thing before that health problem. But my point is despite everything I can find solace with some of the small things in life

I remember a Simpson's episode where Homer was worried Mr Burn's threatened to ruin his life. And Mage said something like 'When food and beer are your main happiness no one man can take those things away from you' - and I'm paraphrasing from memory before someone points out I'm wrong
 
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That is horrible, and I am sorry you've been put through that.

It is clear that it is going to take me a long while to recover, just trying to savior the good days over the bad at the moment.
 
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