Family dispute incoming

[Mr Badger]

Mentioning capital gains tax may not be the most helpful but it's one way to approach it

If HMRC find it wasn't sold at around market value there could be a fine involved.

That'd be spiteful though.

Just live with it, why are you bothered? I don't care about what help my sibling got from my parents, good for them, that's their business.

E: Maybe you mum has been 'lying'' for worrying about you losing your mind over it.

She's probably planning on giving you the house she's living in now.

Besides, it's her house, she can do what she wants with it.

I expect she didn't say anything because she knew how the conversation would go, I expect she's dreading the conversation as much as you are chief.

Indeed. Why is he so sure the conversation will go badly and why didn't his mother think she could be upfront with him?

These sort of family disputes make me sad. Does your sister need more help than you? Maybe you're in line for more, who knows?

Another key question. Why would his mother do this in the first place? Maybe there are good reasons why the sister needs or deserves some help. Isn't the mother allowed to do what she wants with her own property?

By all means have the conversation, but taking a calm and reasonable approach and actually listening to what your mother has to say before considering your response seems essential. If you go in all entitled and fired up then you may well live to regret it.

 

[potatolord]

Mentioning capital gains tax may not be the most helpful but it's one way to approach it

If HMRC find it wasn't sold at around market value there could be a fine involved.

That'd be spiteful though.

Just live with it, why are you bothered? I don't care about what help my sibling got from my parents, good for them, that's their business.

E: Maybe you mum has been 'lying'' for worrying about you losing your mind over it.

Ta for the suggestion, but I am not grassing on anyone!

 

[paradigm]

Different yet related circumstances (inheritance related argument), but I ended up losing all contact with my brother and his family over inheritance issues, and given that he is now my only living direct relative, I regret fuelling the fire rather than de-escalating.

Granted the whole thing was caused by his greed, self importance and laziness, but not backing down has cut him (his wife, three kids) out of my family’s lives, which isn’t going to be great in the future, so I wish I’d done more to help the situation come to a peaceful closure.

 

[adidan]

Ta for the suggestion, but I am not grassing on anyone!

I like to cover all options in a GD thread to start with, see how the land lies

 

[Slam62]

She's probably planning on giving you the house she's living in now.

Besides, it's her house, she can do what she wants with it.

I expect she didn't say anything because she knew how the conversation would go, I expect she's dreading the conversation as much as you are chief.

Her house could well go in care home fees, it’s not the ops fault , the issue has been created by the two of them with no regard for him.
I would rather they died knowing what I thought than thinking they had got one over on me.
When my parents died, both wills divided everything exactly down the middle but my sister did everything she could to bypass this. My sister was basically a narcissist and I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her. I know what my parents expected and they new that I was happy with whatever they wanted.
My wife’s family is just bizarre, she is one of three and the oldest gets total favouritism over the other two, her parents are bigoted idiots. I think they are just jealous tbh.

The eldest has in reality made a complete mess of her life but the parents still dote on her.

 

[Stu999]

What do you want out of this OP? What are you expecting the response / corrective action to be?

 

[ivrytwr3]

Just go to your mum, say you found out what she did, that you understand her decision, that your sorry that she felt she had to lie.

Job done.

I like this.

I don't think it's fair and can lead to resentment, especially as it has all been done behind your back. We treat our kids equally and that will be the same with the inheritance. I'd be asking why, especially if they are better off than you - or maybe having no mortgage is why they are better off!

But i would get your facts right first and not go in guns blazing. "Mum, is it right you have gifted the house to sister? Your house, your right to do so, but can i ask why?"

 

[Kenai]

I'm dreading the conversation- absolutely dreading it. It feels like it could go so badly that it might be a relationship ender with my mum, but I cannot avoid talking about it.

Does anyone have any useful advice on how I could approach that conversation?

What do you want the outcome of that conversation to be?

To be given a house too? To have a row about being lied to so you can blow off some steam?

Think about what you actually want as an end result and that will guide you as to how to approach things.

 

[Mr Badger]

What do you want out of this OP? What are you expecting the response / corrective action to be?

Something involving a letterbox...

 

[Slam62]

Unless there was a very sound reason behind the move, your relationship with both will never be the same again.

 

[Pants]

Why does she need to provide a reason, let alone a sound one? Nothing to do with him.

 

[GreatAuk]

I think parents shouldn't play favourites with their children and inheritance. Default split should be even unless people agree that more should go to one person to help them out.

This tbh.

Unless there's a very good reason then I think it would be quite legitimate to feel slighted if parents treat their children differently, especially if they do it in an underhand way and lie about it.

Clearly it is the parent's choice at the end of the day what they do with any gifts / inheritance etc, but that doesn't mean you're obliged to feel good about it.

OP As others have pointed out worth keeping in mind your mum may have plans that would even things out, or may have her own reasons for giving your sister the house that she's just decided not to share for whatever reason. I think it sucks that she's lied though. I would try to discuss it openly with her I think, but try as hard as possible not to be judgemental in tone while discussing it to try and make it easier for her to tell the truth and explain things. Then once she's had a chance to tell her side of the story have a good think before saying anything you might regret later.

 

[Minusorange]

Especially if you are a lord.

Lord Karen

 

[potatolord]

Indeed. Why is he so sure the conversation will go badly and why didn't his mother think she could be upfront with him?



Another key question. Why would his mother do this in the first place? Maybe there are good reasons why the sister needs or deserves some help. Isn't the mother allowed to do what she wants with her own property?

By all means have the conversation, but taking a calm and reasonable approach and actually listening to what your mother has to say before considering your response seems essential. If you go in all entitled and fired up then you may well live to regret it.

In short, because she's lied to me and people who lie often get very defensive. I have no way of knowing why she couldn't be honest with me as she's lied to me about it. That's one if the things I want to know.

Yes, she can do what she wants with her property. However, she could have at least told me her plans.

I intend to be reasonable, but I'm shocked my mum has been lying to me for years. That was why I posted-

Given the conversation with my auntie earlier this week, mum must have told her. I am the only one who didn't know. It hurts to know that.

 

[dlockers]

It hurts to know that.

u ok hun? dm me x

 

[[FnG]magnolia]

I'm beginning to see why she didn't tell you tbh.

 

[ivrytwr3]

Why does she need to provide a reason, let alone a sound one? Nothing to do with him.

In an ideal world, yes i agree. But, as a parent, i could not gift a £300k house to one and not the other. I would like to think if i was in this position i would have a grown up chat with both kids ie we are helping your sister now, but when we cark it, you will have our house as your inheritance.

I wouldn't want my kids to think there is favoritism, or do anything to cause resentment or put a wedge between the kids. We're talking a significant amount, not a couple of £100 to help them out.

 

[413x]

Her house could well go in care home fees, it’s not the ops fault , the issue has been created by the two of them with no regard for him.
I would rather they died knowing what I thought than thinking they had got one over on me.
When my parents died, both wills divided everything exactly down the middle but my sister did everything she could to bypass this. My sister was basically a narcissist and I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her. I know what my parents expected and they new that I was happy with whatever they wanted.
My wife’s family is just bizarre, she is one of three and the oldest gets total favouritism over the other two, her parents are bigoted idiots. I think they are just jealous tbh.

The eldest has in reality made a complete mess of her life but the parents still dote on her.

What caused all my families was unequal split too. Boggles the mind really. I get unequal splits. If there's past bad history. But if everything is amicable and fairly equal growing up.. Boggles the mind.

Crazy what money can do to family.

 

[EvilRob]

What's your financial situation compared to your sister's? How close are you respectively to your mum?

 

[Pants]

In an ideal world, yes i agree. But, as a parent, i could not gift a £300k house to one and not the other. I would like to think if i was in this position i would have a grown up chat with both kids ie we are helping your sister now, but when we cark it, you will have our house as your inheritance.

I wouldn't want to say there is favoritism, cause resentment or put a wedge between the kids. We're talking a significant amount, not a couple of £100 to help them out.

As a son with 3 siblings, I would not expect my parents to explain their decisions to me.

As a parent I would be careful to avoid resentment or favouritism.

But, we don't know it's "and not the other" as they could be leaving their house to him for all he/we know...