Family dispute incoming

[BUDFORCE]

I was in the car with my dad, think I was driving, don't really remember, was about 4 years ago or so.

My Dad doesn't talk that much really but asked me if I minded if me gave my younger brother a about £40k for a deposit for a house.

I said I don't really care.

Conversation done in 20 seconds.

Even from when I was a young kid, my parents were poor when I was young, my baby photos my clothes all have holes in because they were all hand me downs.

My folks worked hard all their life, and yes while I have accepted some small amounts of money at times when offered over the years, I've never wanted a penny from them.

It's their money, they can do what they want with it.

Money doesn't make you happy, having a good relationship with your parents does.

 

[Kenai]

I genuinely want to know why she couldn't involve me when she made such a big decision.

Why is the expectation that she has to involve you in making a decision about what to do with her own assets? Why is she not free to make her own decisions for her own reasons?

 

[Dangerous Dave]

If the land registry is showing a value that implies a sale, my friend was gifted a house by his parents and it doesn’t show any price/value just a change of ownership.

 

[potatolord]

You say in your OP "gave it to her" but also "ridiculously low valuation", which implies a sale.

What if the answer is "your sister asked to buy the house and as family, we didn't feel like we should charge her the full going rate"?

Would that sort of answer be 'acceptable' to you?

All I know is the land registry valuation. I don't know if my mum sold it to her or gave it. There is no record of a sale on zoopla, but guess it could have been private. It's a fair point which I hadn't thought of in my rage. Definitely a good question to ask, so thanks.

I'd accept that, even if it had been grossly undervalued.

 

[potatolord]

I’d go ******* mental. It’s totally bang out of order. If you don’t confront her about this then it will eat away at you for years.

My mums already done her will. 50/50 straight down the line between me and my bro. She’d never do anything different. I’d be exactly the same.

My mum has told me her will is 50/50, which is pretty annoying given this...

 

[Voltar]

Does your sibling have a closer relationship? Maybe lives closer and takes advantage of your mum being nearby?

 

[EvilRob]

My mum has told me her will is 50/50, which is pretty annoying given this...

What's the value of her remaining estate likely to be?

 

[potatolord]

Short version of OP:

"Money, $$$, $300k, rent free, none for me.

Oh by the way worried that my mum has been lying to me."

In conversation we lead with what concerns us most.

Yeah, right.

 

[Stumble Bum]

Why is the expectation that she has to involve you in making a decision about what to do with her own assets? Why is she not free to make her own decisions for her own reasons?

Because they're siblings And surely they should be treated the same. What good parent would do otherwise and give one £300k without saying so whilst giving the other nothing. How in anyone's world would that not be something the OP should be informed about?

OP does need to get more info first of course as perhaps his mum is ringfencing circa £300k from inheritance, but if she has not done or does not intend to then it's completely normal for OP to be upset/annoyed/angry etc.

If I was the OP and didn't get some damn good answers I think I'd be cutting my relationship with the mum. You shouldn't play favourites with your children.

Edit: just seen OP say will is 50/50, in which case a full on rage is perfectly expected tbh.

 

[potatolord]

Does your sibling have a closer relationship? Maybe lives closer and takes advantage of your mum being nearby?

Clearly she does!

I'm the one who does my mum's shopping, her gardening (to be fair, my sister lives two hours away). My sister has visited her five times in the last two years, I see her at least once a week but I'm only half hour away. I'm the one who stayed with her for two weeks when she had an operation.

Maybe I need to treat her mean to keep her keen?

 

[Tuppy_Glossop]

Just lol if you don't want to be free to do what you want with your own stuff.

n00bs

 

[Kenai]

Because they're siblings And surely they should be treated the same. What good parent would do otherwise and give one £300k without saying so whilst giving the other nothing. How in anyone's world would that not be something the OP should be informed about?

"because they're siblings" isn't a reason imo.

They're all grown up adults, they're not obligated to involve each other in all their major decisions just because they're related.

 

[potatolord]

What's the value of her remaining estate likely to be?

I don't know, but assume care costs will take care of that. £400k for her house? No idea how much cash she has in the bank- I've never asked.

 

[[FnG]magnolia]

Yeah, right.

"Well, I've just found out my mum gave my sister a free house, which is worth £300k at least. It was a holiday home my folks bought 20 odd years back.

My sister had been living there, rent-free, since about 2009. I've had a few conversations with my mum since then where she has told me (lied!) that she still owned it.

My auntie dropped some very heavy hints earlier this week that my sister now owned it. I checked land registry today and have found out my mum gave it to her in 2021, at a ridiculously low valuation.

I'm both angry and sad that my mum has lied to my face, on multiple occasions.

I'm fuming about the money, but sickened that my mum has been lying to me, for years. I don't feel like i can ever trust her again after this.

I'm dreading the conversation- absolutely dreading it. It feels like it could go so badly that it might be a relationship ender with my mum, but I cannot avoid talking about it.

Does anyone have any useful advice on how I could approach that conversation?"


Took a while to get there.

e: I broke the formatting somehow, sorry.

 

[potatolord]

I was in the car with my dad, think I was driving, don't really remember, was about 4 years ago or so.

My Dad doesn't talk that much really but asked me if I minded if me gave my younger brother a about £40k for a deposit for a house.

I said I don't really care.

Conversation done in 20 seconds.

Even from when I was a young kid, my parents were poor when I was young, my baby photos my clothes all have holes in because they were all hand me downs.

My folks worked hard all their life, and yes while I have accepted some small amounts of money at times when offered over the years, I've never wanted a penny from them.

It's their money, they can do what they want with it.

Money doesn't make you happy, having a good relationship with your parents does.

Your dad told you.

That's the difference here.

 

[alchal]

Depends.

If you are getting nothing and she's getting 300k I'd be looking for a new mum that's for sure.

Also you will always find the siblings that kick up a fuss and ask ask ask for anything and everything always get everything.

It's how my family works/worked.

 

[EvilRob]

Clearly she does!

I'm the one who does my mum's shopping, her gardening (to be fair, my sister lives two hours away). My sister has visited her five times in the last two years, I see her at least once a week but I'm only half hour away. I'm the one who stayed with her for two weeks when she had an operation.

Maybe I need to treat her mean to keep her keen?

This changes how this was coming off to me. It does seem pretty unfair with this context. If your mum is fully with it perhaps she has good reason to believe your sister needs it more but felt too worried to talk to you about it - your reaction here probably supports that. If she isn't fully with it then I'd be worried about coercion going on.

 

[SuperElectric]

Short version of OP:

"Money, $$$, $300k, rent free, none for me.

Oh by the way worried that my mum has been lying to me."

In conversation we lead with what concerns us most.

Bars

It's fascinating to me to see other people's perspective on inheritance. I couldn't imagine resenting my parents over something like this

A parents legacy isn't, imo, their estate value. They can burn it all, if that's what they want.

EDIT: You already have a home that you expect to pay off before retirement age? And you want more? Sounds a little greedy to me, just saying.

 

[Stumble Bum]

"because they're siblings" isn't a reason imo.

They're all grown up adults, they're not obligated to involve each other in all their major decisions just because they're related.

And people aren't obliged to maintain a relationship with their mother. You're deluded if you think this is normal behaviour from a parent. It's completely immoral to treat one child vastly different to the other without very good cause. Especially to hide the fact as well.

 

[gingergundog]

Short version of OP:

"Money, $$$, $300k, rent free, none for me.

Oh by the way worried that my mum has been lying to me."

In conversation we lead with what concerns us most.

Its not just about the money though, its the dishonesty. I cant imagine most people will just say 'yeah whatever I'm sure there is a good reason for not involving me in this discussion'.