Funniest line from anything, ever?

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Mmmm! Goddamn, Jimmie! This is some serious gourmet ****! Usually, me and Vince would be happy with some freeze-dried Taster's Choice, but he springs this serious GOURMET **** on us! What flavor is this?
Jimmie Dimmick: Knock it off, Julie.
Jules Winnfield: [pause] What?
Jimmie Dimmick: I don't need you to tell me how ******* good my coffee is, okay? I'm the one who buys it. I know how good it is. When Bonnie goes shopping she buys ****. Me, I buy the gourmet expensive stuff because when I drink it I wanjt to taste it. But you know what's on my mind right now? It AIN'T the coffee in my kitchen, it's the dead ****** in my garage.
Jules Winnfield: Oh, Jimmie, don't even worry about that...
Jimmie Dimmick: No, let me ask you a question. When you came pulling in here, did you see a sign out in front of my house that said "Dead ****** Storage?"
Jules Winnfield: Jimmie, you know I ain't seen no...
Jimmie Dimmick: Did you see a sign out in front of my house that said "Dead ****** Storage?"
Jules Winnfield: [pause] No. I didn't.
Jimmie Dimmick: You know WHY you didn't see that sign?
Jules Winnfield: Why?
Jimmie Dimmick: 'Cause it ain't there, 'cause storing dead ******* ain't my ******* business, that's why!
 
Rules broken as I have 3 to offer:

A one legged Dudley Moore (Mr Spigot) hopping about & applying to Peter Cooke for a casting role as Tarzan & failing:
PC: I've got nothing against your leg Mr Spigot, the problem is, neither have you…

Graham Chapman meeting wife in restaurant(Monty Python):
GC: Sorry I'm late darling
Wife: No problem, I'm 2 days late myself…

Homer to Lisa on the subject of vegetarians;
Homer: If God had meant us to be vegetarian , he wouldn't of made pigs so tasty…

:)
 
Smiley Man said:
another airplane one:

"roger roger, we have clearence clarence, whats our vector victor"

:D
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Airplane is great, its full of carp word jokes playing on what they sound like.

From Airplane 2...

Ex-Colleague: He took us in real low, but he couldn't handle it
Lawyer: Buddy couldn't handle it, he was one of your crew?
X-C: Right, buddy was the bombadier, but it was Striker who couldn't handle it, and he went to pieces
L: Andy went to pieces?
X-C: No! Andy was the navigator, he was alright, but he went to pieces, it was awful, how he came unglued
L: Howie came unglued!
X-C: Oh no, Howie was a rock, the best tailgunner in the outfit, buddy came unglued, and he bailed out
L: Andy bailed out?
X-C: NO! Andy hung tough, buddy bailed out, how he survived it was a miracle
L: Then Howie survived
X-C: No, I'm a afraid not, we lost howie the next day
L: Over mucho grande?
X-C: No, I don't think I'll ever get over mucho grande

Judge: At the request of the court, Mr Striker has undergone a psychiatric examination. The court calls Dr Franklin Stone
Lawyer: Doctor, can you give the court your impression of Mr Striker
Doctor: I'm sorry I don't do impressions, my training is in psychiatry
 
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Billy Connelly comes up with a few clssic one liners, granted he is a comedian anyway :D

There are two seasons in Scotland - Winter and July

Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit

In Scotland, there is no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

To a member of the audience who was heckling - 'Don't tell me how to do my job, do I go to your job and tell you how to sweep up

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the
William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

My parents used to take me to Lewis' department store in Glasgow. They
were skinflints, they used to take me to the pet department and tell
me it was the zoo.
 
It comes down to a choice between The League Against Salivating Monsters or my own personal preference, which is the Commitee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society. Erm, 1 drawback with that, the abriviation is clitoris.

:D
 
Team America:

"Now team, Gary can be trusted. He proved it to me yesterday by sucking my ****"

And another Family Guy:

"Mr Griffin, that is not a growth, its your penis!"
"Oh. And the... uh...."
"Testicles."
"Oh."
 
Team America again:

Gary: "wow, now i've seen everything."
Spotswood: "have you seen a man eat his own head?"
Gary: "..no.."
Spotswood: "well then you haven't seen everything."



Ricky Gervais:

"Sharks can smell a single drop of human fluid in one billionth of a particle.

Sharks would have found Anne Frank like that."


Ricky Gervais:

"i could save the world...if i cared.."

:D
 
The Boondock Saints... can't remember the charactors name's though....

*Italian Dude is drunk, slams his hands down on kitchen table which sets off a gun and splatters a cat all over the wall*

--slightly later on--

Italian Dude's druggy g/f: "You killed me cat?"
Italian Dude: "Yeah I killed your ******* cat, I thought I would bring closure to the relationship!"

That or the barmen who gets his phrases mixed up and suffers from torrets (sp.?) ...

"Why don't you make like a tree and get the **** out of here!"
"Well you know what they say, people in glass houses sink battleships"
 
Full Metal Jacket
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Holy Jesus! What is that? What the **** is that? WHAT IS THAT, PRIVATE PYLE?
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, a jelly doughnut, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: A jelly doughnut?
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, yes, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: How did it get here?
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, I took it from the mess hall, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Is chow allowed in the barracks, Private Pyle?
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, no, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Are you allowed to eat jelly doughnuts, Private Pyle?
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, no, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: And why not, Private Pyle?
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, because I'm too heavy, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Because you are a disgusting fat body, Private Pyle!
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, yes, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Then why did you try to sneak a jelly doughnut in your foot locker, Private Pyle?
Private Gomer Pyle: Sir, because I was hungry, sir!
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Because you were hungry...
[turns and addresses rest of platoon]
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Private Pyle has dishonored himself and dishonored his platoon. I have tried to help Private Pyle. I have failed. I have failed because YOU have not given Private Pyle the proper motivation! So, from now on, whenever Private Pyle ***** up, I will not punish him! I will punish all of YOU! And the way I see it, ladies, you owe me for ONE JELLY DOUGHNUT! NOW, GET DOWN ON YOUR FACES!
[rest of recruits get in front-leaning-rest position, Hartman turns to Pyle]
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Open your mouth!
[shoves jelly doughnut into PYLE's mouth]
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: shoves the jelly doughnut into PYLE's mouth.
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Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Who said that? Who the **** said that? Who's the slimy little communist ****, twinkle-toed ********** down here who just signed his own death warrant? Nobody, huh? The fairy ******* godmother said it. Out-*******-standing. I will PT you all until you ******* die. I'll PT you until your ******** are sucking buttermilk.
[grabs private Cowboy]
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Was it you, you scroungy little ****, huh?
Private Cowboy: Sir No Sir.
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: You little piece of **** you look like a ******* worm, I bet it was you.
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http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093058/quotes :D
 
The Sopranos :cool:
Tony Soprano: You're in danger. Get out of here.
Dr. Melfi: That's not fair.
Tony Soprano: Fair, what are you talking about fair? They don't give a **** about fair.
Dr. Melfi: What am I supposed to do?
Tony Soprano: Leave town. Today. Right now. As a matter of fact I'm gonna get guys here to stay with you until you get on a plane.
Dr. Melfi: I can't just do that, lam it! I have a life. I have patients!
Tony Soprano: You tell them august came early this year.
Dr. Melfi: It doesn't work that way. I have patients who are suicidal.
Tony Soprano: Well they're not gonna feel any better about their life if you get clipped.
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Oh god i forgot Monty Python:

From The Holy Grail

"She turned me into a newt!!"

"I got better!"

Life of Brian

"He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy!!"
 
Kelly's heroes...

[Oddball sees that the bridge he wants to cross is intact and is pleased with himself]
Oddball: "Still up!"
[a plane flies over the bridge and bombs it... direct hit]
Oddball: "No it ain't"

Also ...

Oddball: "To a New Yorker like you, a hero is some sort of weird sandwich, not some nut that takes on three tigers." (sitting in his Sherman)


From Air America...

[Their plane is in trouble]
Babo: "We're VSF!"
Billy Covington: "What!"
Babo: "Very Severely ******!"

Billy Covington: "Gene, you cant sell the plane! It's government property!"
Gene Ryack: "The U.S. Government doesn't exist in Laos and neither does this plane! "
Billy Covington: "Good point!"


Billy Covington: [Gene is loading a machine gun] Excuse me, is that an Uzi?
Gene Ryack: (glances at Babo & Billy) You know, that would make a great TV commercial? 'Excuse me, is that an Uzi?' 'Why, yes it is. Hey, self-defense is no laughing matter! That why when I want number one I pack an Uzi...accept no substitutes.'
 
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atpbx said:
"Hey Ron, i'm on a great big furry Tractor".
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LOL, quality, Anchor Man [spoilers]




".....thats a deep burn......"

" I DONT KNOW WHAT WERE YELLING ABOUT"
"...LOUD NOISES"

"...hey Brick, where'd you get a hand grenade? ....i dont know" [close combat ensues while Brick runs around with hand grenade shouting] "AAAAAA"

"It's so hot.......... milk was a bad choice"
 
Grand theft auto vice city:
(after stealing police uniforms for disguise)
other guy: perfect fit!
you: i find the trousers a bit tight around the crotch.
other guy: yeah, yeah. me too, me too.

futurama: bender (robot) and fry are looking at the professors x-ray torch and bender moves it over fry's crotch.
fry: Ow! My Sperm!
bender again moves torch over fry's crotch.
fry: Oh. It didnt hurt that time.
 
Theres a statement just had me in tears watching the Man City v Man Utd derby. Utd have got a free kick and Andy Gray is discussing what they might do with it. The commentator said 'I'd hit it against Richard Dunne if I were them'.
Classic - you have to know whats been going on.
 
Killerkebab said:
Bonus to who guesses which show this is from:

"Say, the vampire has those fangs, have they even shown him doing someone and then feeding on him?"
"Wait, you're asking, if they've ever done a sesame street, in which the count... kills someone, and then sucks his blood for sustenance?"
"Yeah."
"No, no, they've never done that."
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Dont know if anyone replied but family guy i believe
 
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